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Dating: What about your friends?

I don’t know if you were aware, but apparently the acceptable number of male friends a woman is allowed to have is 4.  After that,  you start to look a little to suspicious.  This is according to one man, of course.   A male reader wrote an email saying that his new love interest has at least 7 close guy friends.  This is 3 too many!

I don’t know how this particular number was deemed the safe number of opposite sex friendships allowed, but I think it is a little nonsensical.  I know everyone does not believe that men and women can be platonic friends.  However, just because a woman has close male friends does not necessarily mean it is cause for concern.

When a woman has male friends, do guys who pursue her consider it a red flag?  What if a man had a lot of women friends?  Why do some folks become so suspicious of this?

What do you think it means when a woman has few or no close women friends?  If a man has mostly women in his life who he considers his close friends, is it a good sign or a bad one?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

238 comments Add your comment

Ms J~

March 14th, 2013
7:03 am

Good Topic WD!

Single and Happy

March 14th, 2013
7:05 am

Hello all

Man some people really need to get a life!!

Lee

March 14th, 2013
7:09 am

I don’t see why that would be a problem unless she was on the phone with these guy friends when she was with him, then that would be rude and lead any male/female to question what kind of relationship they really had. A friend doesn’t mind if you don’t answer the phone and wait until later or whatever to call back.
No one likes playing second fiddle.
I dont think it means anything if a woman has lots of male friends- i was a tomboy when i was younger and 95% of my friends were male. I still have many guys that though the years we still keep in touch — their wives/g/f’s are more important and should be, so i don’t get mad if they don’t call back or whatever, we are just friends.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
8:00 am

GOOD Thursday Morning MIA!!!

What do you think it means when a woman has few or no close women friends? I think it means that she has been hurt by some women in her life and decided to completely cut them off as a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt again. Of course, there may be other reasons but this is the one I’m sticking with for now.

Interested to hear the guys responses on this topic! :-)

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

March 14th, 2013
8:31 am

Morning folks!!!

I have a few close male friends, but the three people that are the closest happen to be women…I have also made the choice to have women as my Dr, my banker, my accountant, and my legal rep……. In my case, in addition to trusting women more than I do men, I like their view point and the way that they make the room smell……

MsAtl

March 14th, 2013
8:34 am

Morning All!

I don’t think it means anything in and of itself, that a man or woman has close friends of the opposite sex. You have to look at their interactions and whether they put the opposite sex friends above their partner. I have had several women tell me that they prefer male friends because their female friends were too catty and they got more honesty and less jealousy from the male friends. I personally think they had the wrong female friends, but whatever. I don’t have an issue having friends of either sex; I know how to be friends and nothing more.

Button

March 14th, 2013
8:57 am

Good morning! The male reader sounds a tab bit insecure. To say a woman should only have 4 male friends is medieval. I have more male friends/associates than I do females. No real reason to it other than just who I click with the most which happens to be males. The ones who are married, their wives/gf know about me, I respect their SO. I think there would be a problem when your friend of the opposit sex takes precedent over your SO.

Big Al

March 14th, 2013
9:00 am

Does the 4 close friends include gays or just straight guys?

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 14th, 2013
9:09 am

Let’s see if I can say what I’m thinking and be brief…lol

It’s cool to have friends of the opposite sex. You can’t be naieve though. I think keeping top of mind, all the folks and situationships where we eventually they made the dreaded “what had happened was” speech….lol Your SO should be respectful that you have a life outside of them and you should be respectful of the life you’re building with your SO.

I for one, don’t have many women friends…don’t want them. I don’t feel like being politically correct and I don’t do going along just to get along. I have small circle of tried and true diehad women bffs. They know my ups and downs, my ins and outs, so forth and so on. And as much as I talk on here, the half ain’t never been told. This is where my bffs are situated :)

On the flip side of that I have more men friends. Different dynamics. Super super cool, down like fo flat tires, no judging, no crossing the line, can talk about anything, give it to me from a man’s perspective don’t lean in favor if I’m wrong, help steer if they think to the slighest I’m losing my way or losing myself :)

The difference in men bffs and women bffs? When my women friends have been burned in an area or situation, it’s a guarantee they’re advice is going to be skewed and jaded. lolol For this reason along, you need balance.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 14th, 2013
9:11 am

Excuse my typos…I was removing and adding..trying to keep it brief.

That should be “where we eventually heard the dreaded…..”

disco

March 14th, 2013
9:12 am

good morning. interesting topic in the sense that I’m sure there will be tons of varying opinions on this one. without even going into the whole “define friend” thing I’ll say that anyone who is worried about how many friends someone else has (male or female) needs to get some business. they must be the person that has no friends. lol.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 14th, 2013
9:15 am

I’m sort of old school, while I believe it’s not only healthy but good to have opposite sex friendships for both parties in a relationship, at the same time both parties should just “pay attention.” I didn’t say stalk, or watch like a hawk. It’s just smart to NEVER close both your eyes to anything.

disco

March 14th, 2013
9:15 am

lee – re friends not calling back or making time. we discussed this recently with the whole cleave topic. I have some friends that I’ll give a pass because I know if they are up to something it’s legit. I have other friends that are just janky like that. the type chick who will break an engagement to hang out with a guy she met on the way to the engagement. lol. no lie. those friends I will dog and talk about and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ll call old girl and she’ll be like I’m chilling with my friend. I’m like which one? the one you met Monday or the one you met Tuesday? lol.

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

March 14th, 2013
9:24 am

LOLOL….I think disco is the only person I ever hear say “janky”… I like that word :)

disco

March 14th, 2013
9:25 am

ms moni – re women who don’t have close female friends. I don’t necessarily think it’s about having been hurt. I think it’s more likely she just doesn’t have the personality or patience to deal with many women. let’s face it. women can get on your daggone nerves. I think that’s why most women have a circle of friends that go way back. folks who are already “broken in”. you reach an age where you just don’t want to be bothered with trying to break in new friends. lol.

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
9:27 am

“I like their view point and the way that they make the room smell……” – Thank you!

My best friend is a woman and my second in command is a man. That magic #4 trips me out. No one should have the right to tell another how many friends they can have.

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
9:34 am

Courtside ~ I have one friend from Tennessee that uses the word “janky” and I laugh each time. I too have never heard that word and then here comes disco.

Single and Happy

March 14th, 2013
9:35 am

Disco, why you talking about me (LOL) I don’t have any friends that I hang around with on the regular, but I don’t care how many friends my S/O has or what sex they are, as long as they don’t interfere with us, and we don’t have to make plans around them.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
9:37 am

-disco I understand what you’re saying, but typically that personality or lack of patience has been formed due to an event or experience that happened. Think about it, in order to first have a circle that goes way back that means at some point the woman did have the personality and patience to have female friends. Some people are just friendly regardless of their age or life experiences. Others that tend to be more guarded are that way for a reason. . .

disco

March 14th, 2013
9:38 am

leggs / court – I love janky. I use it all the time. I like the way it sounds and it can mean so many different things.

single – I’m cool with a person being the solitary type but I will say it’s a red flag when someone doesn’t have any friends. lol. can you say “serial killer”. lol.

Roberta

March 14th, 2013
9:38 am

I think it does come down to insecurity. Folks who are insecure may have a problem with their significant other’s friends, while those who are not insecure won’t.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
9:41 am

At the end of the day, do what works best for you! If you’re OK with not having any friends then so be it. Likewise if you’re OK with having 25 people over your house every weekend then party on! Just be sure to evaluate your stance on this when getting into a relationship. It could be a problem if your S/O does not share your same view on socializing with your friends. Some people balance each other out, others just get irritated and annoyed by having “friends” around all of the time.

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
9:44 am

MsMoni/disco ~ I agree with both you, mostly with disco’s stance simply because some women just can’t stand the cattiness of other women. And, if you’re a strong B….., no one wants to be her friend either.

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
9:45 am

Dang, why you had to use stance. I thought I was being smart (I kid, I kid). Just being my usual silly self.

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

March 14th, 2013
9:45 am

I’mma see if I can get MissMoni to be my blog BFF….That way i can have someone to lean on when disco calls me janky…..

disco

March 14th, 2013
9:45 am

ms moni – maybe. me personally, my circle goes back to childhood with the exception of one friend I met in my 20s. I know I hadn’t been shafted yet in junior high. lol. by the way, being friendly and accepting applications for new friends are two different things. I just don’t think many people that are older are checking for new friends. they are comfortable with the ones they have.

ms moni – good point in your last post. I’ve got friends but I don’t run an “open house”. all that drop in and visit stuff isn’t my style. I couldn’t date (well I could date but probably not marry) the person who had a houseful of people all the time. that would so not work for me.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
9:48 am

I was always taught that if you want a friend, show yourself friendly. Of course, you live and learn that not everyone has your best interest at heart, but don’t become so bitter and stand-offish that you are just unapproachable and rude.

Single and Happy

March 14th, 2013
9:49 am

Disco, I have a better term, “got a life” don’t need others to fulfill it (LOL)

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
9:53 am

-disco Now I definitely agree with not marrying someone who had a houseful fo people all of the time. I have 1 friend from middle school and 2 from high school that I’m still tight with. My circle didn’t really become a circle until undergrad. I agree on not checking for new friends, but I did make a couple when I moved to a new city. I just think in terms of people grow and change and you never know when you’re going to make a new friend. :-)

kimmie

March 14th, 2013
9:57 am

Morning All!!

I have 4 tried and true, already broken-in female friends. I don’t know what I would do without them or what we would do without each other. They are the perfect friends for me because they are not catty or gossipy or jealous. We all have our own lives, always have. I value them like they are blood sisters.

I have 2 great male friends that have survived the test of time. They are not gay and too have their own lives. They are like play brothers and we have never intruded in each other’s lives or relationships.

I have had other male friends in the past and yes at one point had more male than female. The gay ones were great, but just lasted for a few seasons. We didn’t fall out or anything, just kind of fell off and lost touch. The straight ones girlfriends/wives could not deal with it, so those fell off as well. No harm done and I was fine with that. Just part of life.

What worries me more is when a man has no men friends, not even one. These are usually the clingy, possesive types I’ve observed. No I would not want a dude that has not grown up and has to hang out like a frat boy every night, but a loner that wanted to stay up under me all the time and didn’t like me to have friends as well – totally unacceptable.

Button

March 14th, 2013
9:57 am

Friends are an intregal part of our lives. What if your SO has never introduced you to his/her friends?

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 14th, 2013
9:58 am

MissMoni, I like your 9:48. I was taught the same aaaand that saying is in the book of Proverbs. And at the same time, I have come to see and experience and sift out those folks that “act” friendly. Those are the BIGGEST posers, the welcome wagon girl, Little Miss Sunshine, loved by all….mmm hmmm…I see you…lolol

Folks can be VERY deceitful and really, it’s not all the time a person is Queen B!tch, sometimes they just ain’t got it for folks that fake the funk. What I have found is that “like” personalities works better for me.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
9:59 am

-kimmie Excellent points!!!

disco

March 14th, 2013
10:02 am

ms moni / kimmie – I have “local friends” that I’ve been cool with for years but I also know that if I move away these friendships will fall off. my “real friends” all live in different states than I do but those are the ones for life. I tell people that if my real friends died and there was no one to take and raise their children I would do it. I can’t say that for my “local friends”. I’d just have to hug their kids at the funeral and wish them the best.

re gay male friends. I’ve never really had one. currently I have one but his sister is one of my childhood friends and so he was like my brother since back before he even came to terms with being gay. he’s my ace though.

Bluzgirl

March 14th, 2013
10:03 am

Morning MIA!

My take is that it depends on what type of friends they are and if they respect the relationship. The Ex had a really close female friend who he was once in love with and she disrespected me. I had a real issue with her. A previous ex had a female best friend who I became close with. I was jealous at first until I realized she wasn’t a threat. That ex and I remained very close friends until he passed last year (Saturday is the one year anniversary). I guess I’ll just stick with “it depends.”

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
10:03 am

kimmie ~ I have 4 friends that I consider more my sisters than my own sister. Two I came to Georgia with and the other 2 I’ve known for over 25 years. I know for a fact we would give the shirt off our back to the other if need be. As a matter of fact going to Legal Seafoods with one just to pat each other on the back for how far we’ve come in life.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
10:04 am

-Celisea Like I said before, you live and learn and become more selective of your friends. I’ve found that like traits work better for me. It’s good to have common denominators but we don’t need to be exactly the same. I like different and I also like balance, definitely don’t do “posers” and the “1 uper’s”.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 14th, 2013
10:05 am

MissMoni – Igg zackly :)

Alright, I’m out for a while..duty calls

disco

March 14th, 2013
10:10 am

no one mentioned the obvious – women need men friends to do the heavy lifting. lol.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
10:14 am

Great point disco, LOL! :-D

kimmie

March 14th, 2013
10:16 am

MissMoni – Thanks. I’m just in a very comfortable state in my life when it comes to people. I accept everyone for what they are and what they bring or don’t bring to my life. I’m not trying to make someone “fit” that doesn’t. My mom taught me early how to recognize true friends from “acquaintances”.

We use the term “friend” kinda loosely, but really alot of folks fall into the acquaintance category. I had folks I didn’t mind hanging out with sometimes, but if I needed someone to come pick me up when my car died, I knew I could not call them. And that’s okay.

MsAtl

March 14th, 2013
10:16 am

Disco- Right you are!

Bluzgirl

March 14th, 2013
10:18 am

disco – That’s very true! I have a couple of guy friends who are handymen and I call on them to help me out with stuff!

My closest, best friend is a gay man. You wouldn’t know at all when you meet him. We clicked immediately when he moved into my apartment building years ago and have been super close ever since. As much as I miss seeing him all the time, it’s nice that he lives in Charleston so I have a reason to go there!!! :-)

I have some friends from school that we talk maybe once or twice a year. Not close friends, but still would consider them friends and would do anything for them. Recently, I found out via Facebook that one of them was having a baby shower. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She even lives in Atlanta. I guess it showed me that we weren’t as good of friends as I thought we were…

disco

March 14th, 2013
10:18 am

moni – spring is coming. I want to clear up some space. I have a recliner that I want to take upstairs. been pondering for days which poor, unfortunate friend will be recruited for the task. I know it won’t be a female friend. lol.

Leggs

March 14th, 2013
10:21 am

I’m with you, kimmie. Most people are mere acquaintances than anything.

kimmie

March 14th, 2013
10:21 am

disco – You and I are so alike with the “local” versus “true friends”!! Though I am grateful 2 of my 4 main girls have moved to the ATL recently.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
10:24 am

-kimmie Exactly, it’s important to know & understand the role that people have in your life. I posted the following earlier this morning on FB: Stop holding on to people & things (that you shouldn’t have gotten attached to in the first place) just because they are comfortable & familiar. Don’t be afraid to move forward.

Sometimes people get so stuck in routine and comfort that they are paralyzed from allowing someone new to become a part of their lives.

MissMoni

March 14th, 2013
10:25 am

-disco I totally understand. I too have recruited a male friend a time or two to move heavy items, LOL! You know what they say, men like to feel needed.

kimmie

March 14th, 2013
10:25 am

Bluz – The 4 main buddies I mentioned? Those are the only ones I would be a little hurt by if they had some major event they didn’t tell me about or invite me to. Ditto for a “few” family members and of course my kids. Everyone else, I seriously would not be hurt or really care if they didn’t invite me to something.

disco

March 14th, 2013
10:28 am

I also need new patio furniture this year. I’m going to have to recruit a male friend with a truck. lol.

moni – of all my “real” friends there is only one that I probably wouldn’t befriend if we met today. I won’t cut her loose though.