Dating: He’s making her wait!
Just when I think I have heard it all before, I get a surprisingly candid email from a guy who has a dilemma about delaying sex. He asked his new girlfriend to commit to abstinence as he has. He explained his reasons (spiritual mostly) and expected her to be understanding. She was not understanding.
I was struck my his sincerity in trying to preserve the relationship because he has grown to care for her a lot. If she is unwilling to take the celibacy journey with him, does that mean she is not The One?
I believe that relationships are about compromise. I just don’t know if celibacy is something that can or should be compromised. I don’t think cooking is a deal breaker, but sex/abstinence is definitely an issue that can make or break people up.
The young man wants to know if he should give her a “pass” to get her needs met by someone else – and by pass, he means “don’t ask, don’t tell” me. Would that be a recipe for disaster or a viable option for you, personally?
Dating could be a lot simpler if the celibate people could find and date one another! It is helpful to disclose your celibacy early on. When would you mention that, though? It’s not like you can casually say, “Hey, buy me a cookie? Speaking of cookies, my cookies stay in the jar”. Then again, you can’t spring that on someone after they are practically ripping your clothes off at the end of the date, either.
What is the best way to gauge whether you are on the same page when it comes to sex or no sex?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog
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344 comments Add your comment
disco
February 21st, 2013
10:38 am
leggs – I had planned to go to a Halloween party last year. had my jumpsuit, stiletto boots, scarf, fur coat, jewelry, all that and messed around and had a little mishap the day of the party and couldn’t go.
s/h – she just wasn’t suggesting things. sometimes she has great suggestions. other times she’s all “let me know what you want to do”. that’s not what I was fishing for hence why I said I ain’t feeling her right now. I get tired of making decisions. I could go for a mystery trip right about now. okay. maybe not mystery trip but I’m just not trying to figure something out right now.
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
10:39 am
Blackfoote is doing good..hard at work. Hanging with his buddies acting a fool (lololol).
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
10:41 am
That’s great. Tell him we miss him! Someone mentioned party under the stairs. Thought maybe he forgot he was granted a reprieve
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
10:43 am
Bluz ~ try Mucinex or Alka Seltzer Cold Tablets (Orange Zest).
Button
February 21st, 2013
10:44 am
Good day! this is an easy one, if she can’t control desires then she should move on.
Button
February 21st, 2013
10:45 am
Letter 33 – I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve found the man I want to marry and start a family with. He feels the same way. We still live apart for one reason: my cat. My boyfriend is extremely allergic to cats and needs a fur-free home. I’ve had my 8-year-old cat his whole life. I love him, and this breaks my heart, but I am considering finding him a new home. The problem is my guilt, as well as the reaction of my animal-loving friends. They’re all completely incredulous that I would give up my pet. They say, “But he’s like your child!” and “You made a commitment to this animal.” To complicate the situation, I spend most of my time at my boyfriend’s place, so my poor kitty has been developing some behavioral problems because he’s frequently alone. I feel horrible. What should I do?
disco
February 21st, 2013
10:49 am
button – that letter just brought on the return of ex’s “eyeroll day”. really? chick that attached to her cat? she’s part of the reason why single women get labeled “cat ladies”. lol. and don’t get me started on folks acting like their pets are their children. I get that you love your pet and all but a dog is a dog, a cat is a cat, a bird is a freaking bird. a child is a child. okay I’m going to stop before my eyes get stuck like this.
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 21st, 2013
10:50 am
Hmmmmmm……. Get married and start a family or keep the cat…Decisions decisions…….
There use to be a guy here a few years ago the always said the ladies would end up living with a bunch of cats……
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
10:51 am
But he’s like your child!” and “You made a commitment to this animal.”
Bluzgirl
February 21st, 2013
10:52 am
Button – If he really loves her, he will go to an allergy doctor and see if there are any meds he can take to reduce his allergy to animals. I know I’m probably gonna get slammed here, but I love animals way too much and the man for me will also love animals. I’m allergic to my cats, but I take zyrtec every day for it because I love them too much…
Button
February 21st, 2013
10:52 am
Disco – lol, I know right. all bets that she kept the cat and ditched the boyfriend.
Bluzgirl
February 21st, 2013
10:53 am
Only animal people can understand this woman’s dilemma…
disco
February 21st, 2013
10:55 am
button – I guess I should appreciate that at least her cat is at home alone. there are a few outside cats in my neighborhood that I wouldn’t mind seeing as roadkill one day.
bluz – you won’t get slammed. we know you love animals. even you have to admit though that some animal people go too far. shoot, as far as I’m concerned, some animal people border on crazy.
Button
February 21st, 2013
10:56 am
Courtside – for some it’s a tough decision. I had a neighbor who dumped her boyfriend because the dog didn’t like him. Everytime the bf visited the dog went on a bark frenzy, so she ended things with him to make her dog happy.
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 21st, 2013
10:56 am
Whats her name again??? I want to check and see is she is scheduled to be on a future episode of Hoarders……
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 21st, 2013
10:59 am
Button, is your neighbor the lady we see letting the dog lick her in the mouth???
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:01 am
Courtside – that show is so fake! who lives in that much FILTH!!! clothes piled to the ceiling?? trash in the toilet?? in the tub? dead animals rotting under the rug? and the hoarders have grown azz kids at that! why o’why aren’t these grown kids taking better care of their parent? it’s staged! I can’t I won’t believe it!
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
11:01 am
BBL….after the animal convo.
Bluzgirl
February 21st, 2013
11:02 am
disco – yes…some people do go a little too far. To be honest, though, I love my babies too much and couldn’t give them up for a man. My luck…if I did give them up, then the man would dump me a month later!
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:02 am
once I went out with a guy a few times before I realized he had a cat. after finding out he had a cat I didn’t want to see him anymore. for one, a cat simply is not a manly pet. for two, I personally cannot stand cats. as far as I am concerned they are the devil.
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:03 am
Courtside – I’ve never seen her dog lick her in her mouth but I’m sure he has, she holds the dog like a newborn baby, the dog even has a stroller! It’s kinda creepy. I love animals but I’m not mistaking it for a human.
kimmie
February 21st, 2013
11:03 am
What’s up Blog Crew??!!!
On topic – If he’s really dedicated to his beliefs, he needs to go find someone on the same page. But really, the first thing I thought about when reading this topic is the girlfriend involved. It’s refreshing to me to hear about a woman owning her sensual side and looking after her own needs for a change.
Too much, it’s the other way around. If he sprung this on her months into the relationship, that’s really not cool or fair to her either. And she’s not a bad person because she’d rather not wait. I can also attest to the possibility that just because a dude might be strong in his spirituality it does not mean he’s a great guy. Jerks can come in all packages, I know from experience.
Button – I can understand her feeling bad about giving up a beloved pet she’s gotten attached to. She should deal with those feelings. As for what her animal-loving friends will think – bump them. If they love animals so much, let one of them take the cat. Then she’ll know the cat has a good home and she can concentrate on building a life with her man.
Single & Happy
February 21st, 2013
11:04 am
That letter reminds me of a friend who had a cockatoo, she got mairied and had a child, when she told me my first question was so what you do with your bird, she asked me, why I asked that. I told her that I know how those birds can be, when they’re not getting all the attention. She was like yea, he had to go (LOL)
Bluz, there isn’t enough allergy medicine in the world for that and trust me I know!! Hmm you’re allergic to cats, and you’re always sick??
Single & Happy
February 21st, 2013
11:05 am
Button, I’ve been in someones house that was like that, had an actual path through the house!!
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:06 am
button – I worked with a chick once who said that her husband said they should try to get on that clean house show with niecy nash. one day she came to work and was trying to borrow lunch money from co-workers claiming she couldn’t find her purse that morning. one must have a nasty azz house for real if you can’t find your own purse. another time she mentioned that her kids had to use the master bath because the guest bath was used for storage. I don’t watch hoarders. I don’t doubt that it’s staged but I do know there are some nasty azz folks in this world.
kimmie
February 21st, 2013
11:07 am
Button – Actually, if she’s been dating dude and is over to his place most of the time, no doubt she’s transferred a cat hair or two. I bet he may have built up a bit of a resistance to the cat and they have not even realized it! He really should see an allergist and maybe his allergy might be more manageable now.
Bluzgirl
February 21st, 2013
11:09 am
S/H – I’m not always sick…I’ve gotten sick more this season than other years because other people have gotten sick more and I’ve been around it more!
kimmie
February 21st, 2013
11:09 am
disco – I can say with 99.9% certainty there is no need for Hoarders to stage anything, because I have personally seen real-life cases. It is definitely for real.
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
11:11 am
Kimmie – Jerks can come in all packages, I know from experience.
Me too girl, me too! Some even repackage themselves…lol I sooo feel you here.
Single & Happy
February 21st, 2013
11:12 am
Why are kids always getting jumped on with “take care of their parents” everyone’s household isn’t the same, sometimes parents won’t let you take care of them!
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:16 am
kimmie – I know that nasty is real. I just don’t believe reality tv is real. so I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers brought in a few extra bags of nasty just for the added drama.
I went to a girl’s house in Richmond Virginia once. there was literally a gang of roaches (and by gang I mean a circle that was a good foot in diameter) on her door. the outside door in the hallway that you gained entry into the apartment. I stood in the hall like WTF???
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:16 am
Courtside ~ decisions, decisions (roflmao).
I worked with a lady who was so distraught her cat died she took all her food out the freezer and put the cat in until she could bury it. Now, that’s dedication and love. I feel for her, but come on now, you want to spoon your cat the rest of your life or do you want to spoon your man…decisions, decisions.
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:17 am
Kimmie – I’m with you on this letter, maybe she should consider giving her pet cat to her friends that way she can still see the cat and not jeapordize her relationship which seems to be serious also she’s admitted that the cat is spending a lot of time alone while she’s with her bf.
LOL @ disco, that’s nasty!
that’s like me wondering why people won’t replace the broken blinds at the window. Surely you see the same raggy blinds at the window I see so why not replace the darn thing??
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:17 am
Celisea ~ I wonder if she opened a 529 Plan for the cat since it’s “LIKE” her child. Good grief.
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:19 am
leggs – see? dead cat in freezer. that’s not love. that’s crazy.
kimmie
February 21st, 2013
11:22 am
disco – They might cause I don’t put it past them, but really, if you have seen what I’ve seen, one just this past Christmas holidays, you would know what I’m talking about.
Oprah started the whole thing when she had some hoarders on her show. I had Hoarders on when it first came on, and my hubs walked in and said that was nothing. He told me about a close family friend of his and I didn’t believe it – until I saw it with my own eyes!
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:22 am
Single because that’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I see the grown kids walking the camera thur their parents house and I wonder why did they even let it get to that point.
MsAtl
February 21st, 2013
11:22 am
Morning All!
Ex- Nah, I think Bulz is right on this one; it’s is correct as the short form of it is.
If he wants to abstain, that is his decision, but, why begin a relationship giving someone a pass to step out? If they are not compatible, they need to go their separate ways.
Celisea- You sound like you are jonesing, lol. I am 12 weeks out.
I’ve never seen Hoarders, but I can tell you that I had a client who “collected” cats. She had 27 when I represented her in an eviction proceeding. She told the court that her house couldn’t possible smell because she “MOPPED HER CARPET EVERY DAY!” Okay folks, who the heck mops a carpet? Not to mention, My eyes burned out of my head upon entering her apartment! I ended up entering into a deal where I found volunteers to adopt all but 2 of the cats and to replace her carpets and take the mountain of newspapers from her home. I heard that she got evicted a year later because she found more cats & had more than a dozen. Shame because she was in her eighties.
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:22 am
Button, I’ve been in someones house that was like that, had an actual path through the house!!
Single ~ I’ve been in someone’s bathroom like that. That bathroom haunts me to this day. I had to go so badly, but seemed to be stopped up upon opening the bathroom door. I quickly changed my mind and left. Stopped at first fast food place I saw.
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:23 am
Dead cat in the freezer, reminds me of the episode on the Office. lol
MsAtl
February 21st, 2013
11:23 am
“possibly.”
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
11:24 am
Leggs – I’m not getting it…honestly…lol Shoot, there are folks that leave their inheritance to their pets
I know we’re in a time where folks feel “different” towards animals and long removed from the days of a fence, a doghouse and leftover bones for the dog’s dinner, and not allowed in the house, but I don’t get treating animals like humans. There is human, then there are animals.
IMO, it’s not intended for humans and animals to “mix” so to speak. But hey, I’m still back in the 70s, with “dog stay outside” mentality. I definitely though wouldn’t struggle with “what to do, what to do” between human versus animal. That cat would get dropped with the quickness…lolol
OAN: Lou Meyers passed yesterday
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:25 am
kimmie – I’ve been in some nasty houses. I’m related to some folks who keep nasty houses. one cousin we’ve nicknamed their baby “sticky”. now you can make your own assumptions about that one. lol.
Celisea
February 21st, 2013
11:26 am
MsAtl Celisea- You sound like you are jonesing, lol. I am 12 weeks out.
Really? Oh, okay.
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:26 am
I know there are hoarders out there but the show seems staged to me. I’ve seem the hoarder cars a few times, stacked with newspapers and other questionable things to the roof with just enough space on the drivers side. just sad.
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:27 am
That’s an excellent point, kimmie. He may have built up a little resistance. Excellent point.
Button, finally someone has said it. I don’t understand the raggedly blinds either. Replace them.
disco ~ I agree, it’s crazy to us, but love to her!
Button
February 21st, 2013
11:27 am
Letter 55: I have been living with my boyfriend for six months and recently found out he was accessing my email account to read more than five years’ worth of my emails—from before we were a couple. I never gave him my password or permission to access my account, but thanks to the search feature, he was able to target words such as date, and schex. When I first questioned him about it, he denied reading them and confessed only when I showed him the computer’s history. Previously, whenever he wanted to talk about my past relationships, I would say I didn’t want to discuss it because none of it mattered and we’re both healthy and together now. Now, anytime we fight, which has been more frequently lately, he brings up things he read in my emails, implying that I was promiscuous and not who he thought I was. Yes, I had partners before him, but likely fewer than he had, since he’s older. Before all this happened, he was generally a kind, sweet boyfriend. Now, I feel extremely violated. Do you think we’ll move past the anger and distrust we both feel?
disco
February 21st, 2013
11:29 am
leggs – nope. it’s crazy period. that heffa knows you ain’t supposed to put no cat in the freezer.
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:30 am
Celisea ~ I too do not understand leaving an inheritance to an animal, especially millions.
I heard about Lou Meyers. He was funny. I liked his voice.
Leggs
February 21st, 2013
11:32 am
“…read more than five years’ worth of my emails—” – First off, is this normal???
Hell no they will not move past the anger and mistrust because he’s acting like a little beyotch!!