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Dating: He’s making her wait!

Just when I think I have heard it all before, I get a surprisingly candid email from a guy who has a dilemma about delaying sex. He asked his new girlfriend to commit to abstinence as he has. He explained his reasons (spiritual mostly) and expected her to be understanding. She was not understanding.

I was struck my his sincerity in trying to preserve the relationship because he has grown to care for her a lot. If she is unwilling to take the celibacy journey with him, does that mean she is not The One?

I believe that relationships are about compromise. I just don’t know if celibacy is something that can or should be compromised. I don’t think cooking is a deal breaker, but sex/abstinence is definitely an issue that can make or break people up.

The young man wants to know if he should give her a “pass” to get her needs met by someone else – and by pass, he means “don’t ask, don’t tell” me. Would that be a recipe for disaster or a viable option for you, personally?

Dating could be a lot simpler if the celibate people could find and date one another! It is helpful to disclose your celibacy early on. When would you mention that, though? It’s not like you can casually say, “Hey, buy me a cookie? Speaking of cookies, my cookies stay in the jar”. Then again, you can’t spring that on someone after they are practically ripping your clothes off at the end of the date, either.

What is the best way to gauge whether you are on the same page when it comes to sex or no sex?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

344 comments Add your comment

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
5:33 am

Diva, you KNOW I’m backing this brother…lolololol :) :) I up this early for reason. I shole wasn’t waiting on the new topic. lol Just peeking in, since I’m up. Think I’ll catch a couple more ZZZZZs before I officially rise and shine.

BBL on topic!

Lee

February 21st, 2013
7:22 am

Valid request, sex is only one part of a relationship or life –if those are his beliefs and not hers –she needs to go. Now i hope his request is not for years, unless he is a teenager, asking an adult to wait until marriage is a stretch –a girl could pop!

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

February 21st, 2013
8:28 am

He can ask, and she may even agree to it for a time… But he might want to get ready for the day when he finds out that “Jody” has been putting in work at Miss Ladies house…….

Exiled

February 21st, 2013
8:52 am

What is the best way to gauge whether you are on the same page when it comes to sex or no sex

………..when she gently moves ur hand away as u try to roll the nice,pink flowery panties off her bountiful bootey….thats when u look at her str8 in the eye and say,”whats wrong?”, trying to feel her out..

Always go for the jagular because no way u gon know unless u try….

As for Mr Spiritual, its his fault because he got hisself into a minefield and its kinda hard now..and if he persists in denying her what she wants,he may as well remain in his ignorant bliss because shes gon get hers,Trust on that….u cannot tell a “run_thru” to now desisist ALL combat…her cat will start meow, meow, meow if it aint getting milk! :lol:

I think the chic should just dump dude..they are not equally yoked…

He can re-group and look for a girl in the church or some chriastian mingle circles…something along the same spiritual lines as himself.

Mama said “date who u know”…

True All the time.

Hey MIA

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:04 am

good morning y’all.

C – lololol is right though we are probably laughing for different reasons. I’m laughing because I’m happy to read it’s not just me. lol. I’ve run across/dated two celibate men and that mess just wasn’t going to work for me. I’ve had droughts and dry spells but I’ve just never ever just out and out elected to be celibate. uhn uhn. not the kid. to each his own and all but if you my man you need to be breaking me off.

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
9:06 am

“If she is unwilling to take the celibacy journey with him, does that mean she is not The One? – YES!

“…should give her a “pass” to get her needs met by someone else – and by pass, he means “don’t ask, don’t tell” me. Would that be a recipe for disaster or a viable option for you, personally? – Why do people do this? If you want to give her a pass, then pass on the relationship. Emotionally how can she grow in your heart when you think she’s frolicking with someone else. Why on Earth would you even want your feelings to grow. You guys aren’t on the same page, a page that is part of the foundation of a healthy relationship.

If you want to abstain for spiritual reasons, how can you condone her having her “needs” met by another man. She’s not the one for you and you’re not the one for her….K.I.M.

abc

February 21st, 2013
9:12 am

There are really only 2 things that break up relationships: money and sex. A possible 3rd thing is lack of communication about those same things.

If she is unwilling to take the celibacy journey with him, does that mean she is not The One? Yes, that means she’s not the one. Likewise for her, he’s not the one.

The “don’t ask don’t tell” scenario is, likewise, certain disaster. Who would accommodate that?

The best way to deal with it all is to make your wishes known. Just talk, be real.

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:13 am

leggs – I almost (but not quite) detect that double standard in this situation. I don’t know that it’s necessarily proclaimed celibacy but I’ve seen and heard of countless cases where the chick stayed back in the cut remaining chaste while the object of her affections planted seeds all around town. she typically looked the other way and eventually married him. again, the situations aren’t quite the same but I guess I could see a female being more willing to permit outside action than a man. it just doesn’t even sound right coming out of a man’s mouth. you know how possessive those jokers can be.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:26 am

Listen at all and all the chatter….lololol Let that man get his spiritual on!!! I see NOTHING wrong with that. If she can’t wait, as a chick would tell a dude, K.I.M., but there’s certainly nothing wrong with him taking that spiritual walk. And trrrrrrrust me on this, if Miss Hot Pants can’t hold off, there’s a plethora of women dying, wanting, waiting, seeking A GOOD MAN!! He will find another…no doubt!

:mrgreen:

BBL…need java

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:27 am

And guarantee, finding another will be willing to do whateva it takes, cause apparently good men are rare and a commodity these days :mrgreen:

Now, I’m sort of cutting up but for real at the same time….lololol

Exiled

February 21st, 2013
9:28 am

no double standard unless chic is chained to remain with dude….if hes sowing and u dont like that…walk.

@Disco

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:29 am

C – not to be contrary but just cause he ain’t boning doesn’t mean he’s a good man. lol.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:31 am

Diva – Tell him Celisea said, don’t get her a pass. He’s better than that. Like I said, there’s a woman just waiting to get wedded by him. Matter of fact, that might give them an incentive to do the dang thing…lol My old coworker, the one I saw coming out a his building a couple of weeks ago, was the only brother “saved” up in this camp amongst a gang of heathens (they were some cool brothers though). He met his girl at church and cause they were not only “in love”, they said but feeling some kind of way, they were married in six months of dating. Now, two babies a home and a ton of money later (cause I know what he does career wise), they’re seemingly (I use that lightly cause I’on know the inside) happy.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:33 am

disco – You’re entitled :) It’s not the “not boning” that I’m referring to him seeing the good in him, it’s the spiritual walk. What all that is for him, frankly I don’t know, but what I do know, an attempt at such a feat is commendable in it’s own right.

Exiled

February 21st, 2013
9:34 am

or I forgot to ask,”what city?’

If its in Atlanta, it maybe dude dont know hisself yet…that may be the problem. :lol:

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:34 am

don’t “give” her a pass not “get”…..he’s better than that.

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:35 am

since I don’t mind picking this thing apart diva did say “spiritual mostly”. anyone got any ideas what the rest of his decision could be based upon? you know we can have some fun with this. lol.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:36 am

Let me go get coffee and hush up, with all my passionate hood ramblings….lolol

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
9:37 am

disco ~ I must admit I thought he may be telling her he’s celibate but depositing seeds around town. You’re right, it’s definitely a possibility. And, if it’s not, still, find someone who’s evenly yoked as he is. Plain and simple. I don’t get why people make the relationship more complicated than it needs to be. Adding unhealthy ingredients that can only lead down the path toward heartache. Why even tarnish the canvas before the picture even starts to form. People are stupid, point blank!

George P Burdell

February 21st, 2013
9:37 am

This is a serious topic? It’s over. Move on. Next topic.

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:37 am

C – I’m certainly not judging those that are on “true spiritual walks” but I certainly don’t deny that there is such a thing as what I refer to as “church game”. I don’t know anything about post dude just saying I’m not necessarily taking it at face value. after all, she did say “spiritual mostly”.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:44 am

disco – Okay…..lololol I still find it commendable if he’s trying. As the good book says, a man will fall seven times. It’s not the falling or the hittng the ground, cause it happens to us all, it’s the getting up that’s commended. I went there did I? :mrgreen: I said all that to say if he’s trying to abstain for the sake of spirituality, heck yeah he’ll have a slip up. Spiritual walk does NOT equate to perfection nor error free nor free from jonesing nor free of wicked thoughts (or deeds)….well all have them. Spiritual or not! It comes with being human. It’s the effort that gets him the kudos. So, yeah let’s dissect, for me, I see but him trying…nothing else :)

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
9:45 am

Alright….like I said, just convo mostly and funning….gone to get coffee for real this time

Single & Happy

February 21st, 2013
9:48 am

Hey all

I don’t get why people make the relationship more complicated than it needs to be. took the words right off my fingers!!

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:48 am

I’m going to play devil’s advocate this morning and talk about “spiritual mostly”. maybe he’s not a virgin and he’s got a really short member and is tired of being ridiculed and so he’s decided to abstain and try to trick a chick into marrying him before she finds out what he’s working with (or not working with). lol. OR maybe, to use a throwback term, he’s on the “down low” and just wants a chick to be his “beard”.

Exiled

February 21st, 2013
9:50 am

The only reason he could be hitting elsewhere around town but not tapping hers maybe because he finds her body(undressed) unattractive and downright foul but wont just tell her, ‘I aint feeling u like that.”….otherwise why go around town whilst evading what u already have but have not tappped….

Us men like New new…..this cat is supposedly fdresh and new to him, he aint messed with it yet..its the right opportunity to tap..especially when the chci is seething inside, literraly squirting on herself….

No way a dude wld just go out to sow elsehere just because…..

Disco..u right..the ptoblem is not dude….chci aint addressing the real issue and she proly knows it….u know how u chics play game…lying to ur selves..oh,hes spiritual, hes a church goes blah blah blah…

No baby..ur body looks horrible! :lol:

disco

February 21st, 2013
9:53 am

Ex – I was just about to go there (sort of). maybe he really does like this chick and he wants to come off as “holier than thou” and is fronting so he’ll seem like he’s a more faithful, responsible, disciplined type. meanwhile he’s hitting betty lou around the corner while leading old girl to believe she’s got a “virtuous” man. lol.

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:00 am

“he asks his NEW girlfriend….” Diva, did he mention how long they’ve been together?

Single ~ I’m sitting here wondering where’s the dilemma. He needs to take his walk with someone else. NEXT….

disco

February 21st, 2013
10:03 am

leggs – I’m still playing devil’s advocate. maybe dude is married and likes feeling wanted but doesn’t really have what it takes to cheat. that’s what he means by spiritual mostly. he’s not trying to break his vows.

okay. I’m done clowning. I, too, will wait patiently for the next topic of discussion.

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

February 21st, 2013
10:04 am

” It’s not the “not boning” that I’m referring to him seeing the good in him, it’s the spiritual walk.”

For the record…. Lots of folks takin’ that walk aint all that good….. Wolves in sheeps clothing I think they are called…….

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
10:04 am

I am eating hashbrowns, sipping coffee and literally burst out laughing at Mmeello’s 9:50 and disco’s “holier than thou” statement.

Hey disco, Imma keep humming in the background “we fall down, but we get up, we fall down, but we get up…..”, while y’all come up will all the “possibilities….lolololol

Single & Happy

February 21st, 2013
10:04 am

Me too leggs, me too (LOL) to me a lot of divas relationships topics deal with new one’s and I’m left thinking why not move on to the next one, what’s the problem??

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:09 am

disco ~ devil’s advocate – may not even be a dude that emailed her. Could be a woman wanting to see the reaction if she didn’t have sex with her new boyfriend.

Let’s talk about something else. He/she already know what they’re going to do.

Bluzgirl

February 21st, 2013
10:09 am

I don’t really get the issue here. Obviously, they are not compatible. It’s great that he wants to be abstain, but he needs to find a woman who shares in his beliefs. If he gives her a “pass,” then it’s for sure over. I don’t understand why he would even be considering that.

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:10 am

I’ve been sick since Monday. My throat hurts so much. Drinking a delicious cup of tea, lemon and honey. YUMMY!

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

February 21st, 2013
10:12 am

I know a dude that told a chick he was engaged to that he was trying to get right with god before that got married and he wanted them to staop with the sexing….. Turns out he had gotten burned and was working on clearing it up before he passed it on. Imagine her surprise ( and his) when the Doctors office called to tell her she was on his partners list and needed to be tested……..

Exiled

February 21st, 2013
10:12 am

It’s great that he wants to be abstain

Bluz, I hate it when a white chic murders the english lingo….

its supposed to be: “its great that he wants to abstain….”

disco

February 21st, 2013
10:13 am

leggs – well I don’t have any relationship topics right now. did you watch disco on unsung last night? I was ready to get up and “shake my groove thang”. every time a song was sounding good to me they’d move on to the next one. it was a 2 hour show. I didn’t make it to the end. y’all know I can’t hang. lol.

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
10:20 am

Speaking of abstaining (lol)……

My beautician decided I’m going eight weeks as opposed to six, in between touch-ups. This is NOT fun. I know I’m sporting a fro of new growth. :(

Bluzgirl

February 21st, 2013
10:22 am

Wow – Ex calling out a typo?!?!?! Like you never make typos – RIGHT…Go back to your corner of the world…

Leggs – I’ve been sick since Monday also…took yesterday off and still don’t feel great today, but I’ll live.

Bluzgirl

February 21st, 2013
10:22 am

By the way Ex – It’s chick, not chic…

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:25 am

Ex ~ you are a straight clown (lol). That was funny.

disco ~ I was dancing most of the night. The memories. We partied at a club called Tribeca in Lower Manhattan. But, The Warehouse was THE place to be! House music, house music, loves me some House! My friends and I worked on Wall Street and we had the nerve to go dancing on our lunch hour at probably 3x a week at a place called 127. Man, we had a blast.

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:27 am

Bluz ~ I worked half day Monday and Tuesday to medicate myself. It helped but this hacking cough and sore throat is no joke.

disco

February 21st, 2013
10:28 am

leggs – lucky you. last night I was wishing someone would throw a disco party. I was even planning in my head what I could wear if I had such a party to go to. (my sleeveless jumpsuit that I planned to wear on Halloween as Cleopatra jones). lol. I might have to get hold of a CIAA schedule and see what’s going on.

Single & Happy

February 21st, 2013
10:29 am

Disco, did you get a response from your travel agent?

Leggs

February 21st, 2013
10:30 am

I went to a disco party while I was pregnant. I wore white bell bottoms, a black and white Apple Jack, and black blouse, big hoop earrings. I was the only freaking sober person at that party. Interesting watching drunk folk while you’re sober.

Bluzgirl

February 21st, 2013
10:30 am

Leggs – I haven’t taken anything other than vitamin C cause I’m not sure exactly what to take. It’s weird…my head feels all stuffy, but yet, there’s nothing in my sinuses and I can breathe. I feel totally exhausted, though. I just need to be better for tomorrow night cause I’m sitting in with a band and playing bass on a couple of songs. Can’t miss that! :-)

disco

February 21st, 2013
10:32 am

leggs – how come at one point while watching I pulled up itunes to see if they had a disco’s greatest hits or something. I was really feeling it.

s/h – yeah. I ain’t feeling her right now. lol.

Single & Happy

February 21st, 2013
10:35 am

why not disco, did she hit you with single penalty :-D

Celisea

February 21st, 2013
10:37 am

Anyone talked to Blackfoote? He’s gone missing since Christmas. Miss him and his nice posts :)