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How can cooking be a deal breaker?

One of our MIA blog readers wants to know why her lack of cooking skills got her dumped. No, really. This is the reason she was given! Apparently, cooking was important to a man she had been seeing. He is a strong believer in traditional gender roles and had a real problem that she was unwilling to provide him with home cooked meals when he asked.

I call shenanigans, though. I don’t really believe this was the deal breaker. I suspect there is something else going on here – but maybe I am off-base. It is 2013 and many of the men who are single today grew up in homes where their mothers worked outside the home. Is this going to change the outlook of the average “modern guy”, though?

If women will still be expected to have top-notch cooking skills, will men build and fix things? I’m asking because I once argued with my ex-boyfriend who loved to talk about my sporadic cooking efforts. When I asked if he could change my oil or install brake pads, he referred me to his mechanic friend. I’m just saying, a bit hypocritical don’t you think?

So I want to know, readers. It’s 2013. How can cooking be a deal breaker?

Have you ever been dumped because you didn’t have domestic skills?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

245 comments Add your comment

Lee

February 20th, 2013
7:23 am

I believe there are no more traditional roles. First off everyone has to work, some women don’t get home until late, If you were waiting on me to cook a meal some nights you would not eat until 10pm. More men are being Mr. Mom due to their wife having the better career, there is no one set way–many couples are doing what best fits their lives and has nothing to do with gender.
Time for him to grow-up, or man-up.
Its half way till the weekend. Yippiee

my2cents

February 20th, 2013
8:07 am

Everyone has their own Deal Breakers, maybe his was actually cooking. I (a guy) enjoy cooking and that would not be a deal breaker for me or , I think, most of my friends. I was married for many years to a lady that did not cook and a home cooked meal every once in a while would have been nice though.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

February 20th, 2013
8:18 am

Hellzz yeah a lack of cooking capacity is a deal breaker.

There are many reasons, but chief among them is the financial. I know what my budget loos like on the 2 days a week we eat out. I couldn’t imagine if we had to do that everyday…..

Man please.

I share in the household duties as needed, including cooking. But I couldn’t imagine staying with a chick that couldn’t – or wouldn’t – cook something, *sometime*. And good food is a given in this equation. Ramen noodles, even with shredded chicken, is not a fracking meal.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
8:42 am

f women will still be expected to have top-notch cooking skills, will men build and fix things? I’m asking because I once argued with my ex-boyfriend who loved to talk about my sporadic cooking efforts. When I asked if he could change my oil or install brake pads, he referred me to his mechanic friend. I’m just saying, a bit hypocritical don’t you think? YES

It is 2013 and many of the men who are single today grew up in homes where their mothers worked outside the home. why is this a problem now, most AA women have always worked outside the home and provided home cook meals for their families also, just like the men worked and took care of the things around the house also.

Hello all!!

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

February 20th, 2013
8:45 am

When I decide to settle down, I think it will be with a woman that wants to be a fulltime home maker… I love modern women but think it would be nice for me and my expected family if both parents did not have to work, so yeah, being willing and able to cook would be a plus and being on the flip side of that would present a problem…… ( Plus it would be great if she liked girls :) :) as well )

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:03 am

good morning. speaking of traditional roles (not to change topic so soon but just had this discussion yesterday). anyway, on the radio yesterday they had a call in where stay at home wives/mothers phoned in to say that responsibilities of hubs and wife were unequal. these chicks were complaining about (imo) the most idiotic things. my only thought is “YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK and you have a pretty good lifestyle. nice house, nice car, private schooled children, good vacations and you are complaining because dude didn’t empty the dishwasher”. STFU for real. some friends and I ran with it in discussion last night talking about how we would handle being stay at homes. for one, dude would never complain about being hungry and he’d likely get broke off on his way out the door and on his way back in. those chicks were tripping. LOL.

abc

February 20th, 2013
9:08 am

If a woman can’t cook, how did she feed herself while single? Cookbooks are cheap, and learning to cook, even teaching oneself, isn’t very hard. I taught myself with an old Betty Crocker from the 40’s, so I tend to make everything from scratch. I think that anyone who claims they can’t cook, male or female, is pretty lazy, and/or doesn’t care much about their diet. That said, I don’t know if it’d be a deal breaker for me, if she was otherwise all that, I could probably let it slide.

Button

February 20th, 2013
9:08 am

Good day! I can see how not being savvy in the kitchen being a deal breaker. I understand that’s the readers concern. Not being creative or knowing how to put together a nice homecooked meal can be a huge turn-off. Too much salt/the wrong seasoning or not putting enough effort to prepare a meal means that your heart was not in it. Thowing something together and saying here eat this is not good in my book. Most men are traditional no matter how we like to slice it. Men love home cooked meals! it oozes “my baby loves me” in their mind. I love to cook for my man rather than eating out. He get to indulge in the labor from my own hands eating on a meal that not only tastes good but healthy also.

The burden shouldn’t be only on the women either. There should be a give and take when it comes to cooking. Also if she’s not good at cooking then there’s nothing wrong with showing her like maybe taking up a cooking class together or sharing/trying out new receipes together.

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:09 am

dan – it’s funny how many variations on how to serve up ramen noodles one can come up with. I’ve actually never heard of or had it with shredded chicken. lol.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
9:09 am

Disco, here’s one of the corny sayings that actually makes some since “watch what you wish for cause you just might get it” (LOL) Cause “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” LMAO
It’s like everything else in most people’s lives, once the newness wears off and reality steps in, problems arise!

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
9:14 am

I don’t really have comments on whether or not NOT cooking would be a deal breaker. Me personally, cooking is not routine when it’s just me and the kid because I did it all of over baby and adolescent years. I did it because I thought it was nourishing to provide a good home, warm nutritious meals included. Part of rearing her though, was teaching her at some point to pick up cooking (cleaning, washing, working), as a means for taking care of herself….not to relieve me of my parental duties. I said all that to say, I don’t do much cooking when it’s just us but for my dude, yeah I cook :mrgreen: It’s my pleasure :) I cook because I feel a good man “deserves” a home cooked meal. IMO, it’s a part of what makes home considered home….again, just my opinion and how I roll :) On the flip side of that, don’t expect to just lay-up, eat, belch, passgas, get some and that’s all.

A well balanced home, (again, IMO) would be the things both roles bring, upkeep, do, participate, etc etc etc. I don’t blurt out tic for tac duties, but I expect if we’re getting all “gendered” up in my spot and yours, it’s going to be with doing things both roles traditionally perform. I just know from experience that while some men may not take issue with some women cooking (and no biggie to me either), my guess is that all man can likely appreciate a home cooked meals.

Button

February 20th, 2013
9:15 am

disco, I was a housewife and I tell you it’s not as easy breezy as you may think. It’s a full time job! Keeping a house together, actually being the ceo, financial planner, facilities, chef, chauffer, fashion designer, interior designer etc…all while doing damage control can take it’s toll so taking out the garbage should be the least the guy can do! lol

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
9:18 am

I was raised though being taught that not cooking was just pure D lazy…lol I didn’t say it, my mom and pops did…lol

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:18 am

s/h – funny. that came up in last night’s conversation too. I said I was going to watch what I wished for because it always seems like someone else gets it. all my friends walking around with my wishes. bump that. as for the stay at homes, all I’m really saying though is that those chicks act like raising a kid is the hardest thing in the world (and those are just the ones with kids. some of them didn’t even have kids and were still whining). as a parent I’ll admit it’s trying at times but it’s really not that hard. then you take into consideration that they don’t have to worry about money/bills/where the next meal is coming from and the stress of working outside the home all day and then coming home to give their kids what they have left. naw. those chicks need to hush. period.

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
9:19 am

My daddy would be irked when I’d come in, go downstairs to my room, shut the door and lay across the bed…..while my sisters was upstairs in the kitchen cooking. He would say (insert mama’s name), you need to make that girl get up and help…lol Ahhhhh yeah, my daddy was “traditional” man, a good man but VERY traditional.

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
9:20 am

my sister was upstairs (not sisters….)

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

February 20th, 2013
9:21 am

@disco – I tried ‘em all in college; which is why once I got a ‘good job’ I flat out refused to eat them.ever.again.

To the gender roles, I think button hit it on the head.

I had this discussion with a few friends, and one Big Unc. What we came up with is, no matter what compact the man and his wife have in that house, two things are immutable:

- if somethings broke, he’s expected to ‘fix it.’ Car, window, child (see also, the scene in John Q); and,

- if the the house is dirty, it’s the woman’s fault, never the man’s.

A woman could be President one day….let the WH be dirty…or their personal home….nobody you know will blame the husband.

Likewise, a dude that’s starving because he got with looks over functional skills, that will always be on him: “you knew she couldn’t boil water when you met her, that’s on you.”

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
9:22 am

Well disco Hmmmm, what do you do to make your wishes come true?

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:25 am

button – I’ve heard that from friends who were stay at home. I get it (and respect their stance even if I do crack on it) but since I’ve seen so many others (myself included) work outside the home and do the exact same “stay at home” duties on top of that you have to understand where I’m coming from on my perspective with that one. in my opinion, it simply can’t be that hard.

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:29 am

s/h – so literal. so literal. lol. it can just be little simple things like shopping. I’ll say “I wish I could find a pair of such and such boots”. I’ll look all day, no boot. then I’ll get a call from a girlfriend talking about “girl I just found a pair of such and such boots”. that’s all I’m saying. nothing big time or dramatic.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
9:34 am

Disco, can’t help it, just the way I am, take everything at face value :-D

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
9:37 am

Lawd, Aunt Flow and her heachaches she brings…..ugggggh

MsAtl

February 20th, 2013
9:39 am

Morning All!

I’ve seen it from both sides of the fence. I was a stay at home mom when I was a young military wife. I got up at 5:30 in the morning to “send” my ex off to PT and starched his uniform and cooked breakfast while he was at PT. After he left for work, I got the kids up and began our day. By the time he got home, dinner was cooked and the house was spotless. He basically did nothing but go to work, no kids, cleaning, etc. At 19, I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
Disco- that ish was hard work.

As a student, then a working mom, I still took care of the home. Granted, it wasn’t as spotless as when I stayed home but it wasn’t filthy either. I learned, though, that even though both of us worked, he was still unwilling to cook and clean. When I asked him to cook dinner, he would call for pizza.
Dan- you are right! I have yet to hear someone say “that man is a pig”, if the house is dirty.

I don’t know that cooking should be a deal-breaker. I guess it would depend on whether she flat out refused to cook at all and refused to learn. However, he can cook also and like Button said, there are always cooking classes to make it fun.

I have always cooked because that is the way I was raised. I was glad that I was able to give my kids a home cooked meal at least 5 days a week. Now that my kids are gone, I cook 1 or 2 days a week, but I cook for 4 days at a time.

Button

February 20th, 2013
9:45 am

disoc – it is hard, and now that I work full time a child at home there are things that does get put on the back burner b/c I’m too tired to get it done. Like for instance, I need to rearrange all the closets in my condo, change my window treatments for the season, it never get done and before I know it, a year has passed and the closets still haven’t been rearranged yet, the window treatments are all out of season. And let’s not talk about all the other stuff that is looked over because I just can’t get to it like I used to when I was a stay at home mom.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
9:45 am

MsATL Dan, even being single, when someone comes to my house, and it’s not spotless, , it’s either I need to get me a good woman, or a maid service, not I’m a slob!! :-D

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:45 am

s/h – I know and by now I should expect nothing less of you.

ms atl – I don’t deny that it’s (hard) work. I’m just saying at least you get to stay home to do it as opposed to the chick who has to go to work AND still do it.

as for cooking being a deal breaker. I can let a guy have that one but as has been previously stated he better be bringing something. celisea hit a lick when she said he can’t just be posted up eating, farting and expecting to screw. lol.

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:47 am

s/h – don’t worry. if I came to your spot and it was janky I wouldn’t suggest a woman or a maid service. I’d straight call you out on being nasty. I might even question your home training. yep. I’d go there. “didn’t your momma teach you anything?”.

Button

February 20th, 2013
9:49 am

^5 MsATl. my house was spotless too! not saying it’s not now but not like back then. I loved being a housewife, nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your family.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
9:50 am

Disco “I know and by now I should expect nothing less of you.” LOL

disco

February 20th, 2013
9:56 am

I guess nasty is another one of those double standards. a nasty woman or a woman that keeps a nasty house is just bad and wrong. a nasty man or man with a nasty house is not as bad. he simply needs a “good woman” to take care of him. go figure. lol. bump that. the way I see it, if a man has a dirty house he’s got a dirty dee why see kay.

Leggs

February 20th, 2013
9:57 am

I can see this being a deal breaker for some men. For a woman not to be able to know to cook means an added expense to the budget and one’s waistline. If she’s willing to learn how to cook, perhaps a man may factor this into having a long term relationship. I realize many women don’t cook these days, but it always still surprises me. No offense to those who have eating out constantly in their budget. I couldn’t do it. There’s nothing like the aroma coming from the kitchen, family sitting down together (or just the two of them) to a home cooked meal. And, I don’t mean ordering something from a fancy restaurant and heating it up in your own oven then serving as though you cooked it. There’s no lingering aroma like home cooking.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
10:02 am

So would any of you guys have a problem men not being handy? For instance just the other day a co-worker came into our shop and asked for help changing a light bulb in his car. Of course he got laughed out of there.

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
10:04 am

I remember cooking black eyed peas the only time I’ve ever cooked them….years ago….lol My girlfriends clowned me relentlessly on that one. I didn’t soak nor use cooking meat. I just put those bad boys on and boiled. The conversation came about because I was saying how long my kid sat at the table over a cold plate. So they asked (we were all sitting around talking), “how did you cook them?” :shock: They were all feeling soooo sorry for my kid after hearing all I didn’t do, in cooking them….lololol From that day on, I started calling them WHILE IN THE GROCERY STORE, asking “okay, what do I need to buy/do if I want to make (whatever dish).

See what happens when you lay across the bed and don’t help your sister in the kitchen…lololol

MsAtl

February 20th, 2013
10:04 am

Disco- Back then I stayed home for several reasons; childcare was too expensive, I was a high school grad with little job skills; and not too many folks wanted to hire military spouses because they would be leaving. After about my second year, I opened a home daycare until my kids were 3 and 4, then I went to work at a daycare and took them with me. I have not been the type that had the luxury of being a “kept” stay at home pampered wife. At one point I was the only one working because my ex refused to take any job that was “beneath him.”
After working every day for years, I cannot imagine being a stay at home anymore; it would get boring. I wouldn’t mind, however, having a 3-day work week. I could totally do that!

Button- let me know when you get around to doing those closets, I have one for you.

BLOW ME.....yes I'M BACK

February 20th, 2013
10:04 am

Hello Good Morning all.

Yes me the original. I AM BACK!

Cooking should not be a deal breaker. I am sure it will cause a conflict within the relationship. But they have cooking classes, shows…GRANDMA’S….Mom’s to fix this. This can be learned. Its the willingness or rather lack of willingness to learn could be the dealbreaker.

Leggs

February 20th, 2013
10:06 am

I’ve never had Ramen Noodles a day in my life until I made this salad that called for them over the Christmas holidays. Delicious.

I worked, went to school, had my own apartment and taught myself how to cook solely because (1) I didn’t have $$ to waste on eating out all the time, (2) fast food never appealed to me, (3) I like what I like and only I could fix it the way I liked it at the time, and (4) it’s something I set out to master. There’s joy, a freeing of yourself while cooking, a stress reliever. I embraced it all. If you don’t look at cooking as a chore, you’ll probably excel doing it.

disco

February 20th, 2013
10:08 am

leggs – and that made me think of martin in you so crazy talking about coming home and the house don’t smell like nothing. lol. he’s a nut.

s/h – yeah. that dude needed to be laughed at. a light bulb? really. now don’t get me wrong. I’ve called for assistance in changing bulbs but only because they were too freaking high for me to get to.

MsAtl

February 20th, 2013
10:09 am

Single- Maybe his mom taught him how to cook instead of work on cars, lol.
Btw- I have changed light bulbs in my cars, I even took the family car to the shop once, changed the brakes, spun the rotors, etc. I haven’t changed the oil though. My thing is, if a Honey-Do list stays for too long, it becomes a Honey I Did It Myself list. No one has time to be helpless.

Celisea- sorry, I laughed at you for those black-eyed peas. Don’t worry though, my kids wouldn’t eat them with seasoning and meat.

disco

February 20th, 2013
10:09 am

celisea – that’s funny. I have a friend who is child number 10 of 11. needless to say she was simply “in the way” growing up and didn’t learn how to cook. she made greens for the first time and I told her what to do. she figured my way took too long and she improvised and took short cuts. naturally her greens weren’t done right and one of her sisters said they tasted like hot grass. yep. hot grass. and, my girl, MY GIRL, threw me under the bus talking about I told her to cook them that way. this is the same friend whose first thanksgiving turkey wasn’t finished (this might even be the same meal) and her mother wrapped it up to take it home to finish cooking it. I told her she had to come clean and let her sisters know that she messed up, not me. hot grass. we still laugh about that to this day.

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

February 20th, 2013
10:11 am

So some of you ladies are saying that if a guy was out on the J O B 9 or 10 hrs a day, selling those widgets or making those deals or digging those holes to make sure plenty of cash came into thehouse, there would still be times when you would ask that he make dinner or fold the clothes???? Really?????

disco

February 20th, 2013
10:15 am

courtside – the chicks on yesterday’s radio call in show would. me? uhn uhn. I’m good. he’s good. we’re good. I’m not putting down those who feel being a stay at home was challenging I’m just saying I’d handle it like a champ. the friend I discussed it with last night brought up a mutual friend of ours who got married a few years back. his wife doesn’t work. they have one child. he comes home from work and old girl hasn’t done anything. he has to cook, clean, do laundry, chauffer the kid, all that. now I don’t know what kind of mojo his wife is working with but all I can say is dang.

Single & Happy

February 20th, 2013
10:17 am

MsATL, He’s a college grad, so I know he can read, the instructions are in the manual!! It trips me out when girl friends of mine will call me with a question about something simple, or who should the call to look at something and they have husbands!! when I ask why they didn’t ask him the answer is he doesn’t know about things like that 8-O

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
10:19 am

MsAtl/disco – I felt sooo bad after they clowned me…lol My kid knew whatever was put on her plate to eat it (me somewhere tryna teach being thankful). Well, danggit I guess it would need to be at least cooked right, in order to at least consume it, let alone enjoy it…lol And the look on her face was “I don’t see you eating them.” I tasted and was like “ugggh.” I know, that wasn’t right. From that day on, I forced something down that I required of her to eat. Better than that, I started learning how to cook stuff before sitting before her.

disco – The collard greens story is just plain pityful…lol I can say, I knew without asking on that one, to wash them bad boys thoroughly (so you ain’t eating a worm or bug). I’m talking the collard bunched from the ground and tossed on the veggie truck. Not this new aged “already cut up and prewashed” type stuff. Even though, I go that route now. But back to your friend, everybody knows if you don’t work on collards and do them right, yeah you’re only eating cooked grass…lololol I know you talk about how well of a cook you are, so I don’t think folks will buy you setting her up to fail like that!

disco

February 20th, 2013
10:21 am

btw – for those who insist I know not what I speak of re stay at homes. most of it’s just fantasy trash talking. if anything, I don’t know that I’d ever be comfortable enough with anyone not to make my own money. all that what’s mine is yours stuff is a nice little romantic notion but a sister like me has to have her own. still, having the option to stay home is a nice little lick. I could be like Rochelle on everybody hates chris whenever she quits a job. I don’t need this mess. my man has two jobs. lol.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

February 20th, 2013
10:22 am

I can’t recall who said it, but a man with a stay at home wife/girl “only laying around farting, eating and expecting sex” is the dumbest isht ever. And what else does he have to “bring to the table” but , I don’t know…working to pay the bills…for the vacations…Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, emergencies…et al.

That was a dumb statement.

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
10:22 am

I’m kind of with those that say stay at home can’t be that difficult. Not taking away from it, but I agree…there are folks that are not afforded that luxury and have to go to work and come home and do in a few hours what a stay at home mom have all day to do.

Leggs

February 20th, 2013
10:24 am

“hot grass” is funny as hell.

disco

February 20th, 2013
10:27 am

dan – I think you combined a couple of different posts but you still right. I know the guy with the stay at home wife who does nothing. he loves her and he’s happy. to each his own. lol.

leggs – yeah hot grass was funny even if she did blame it on me.

Celisea

February 20th, 2013
10:27 am

I’m just amazed at how some folks are natural when it comes to cooking. My mama could throw down like no tomorrow. I have an aunt that passed a few years ago that would just make you sing while eating. And mama and ‘nem didn’t use cookbooks and stuff. They just did it and knew when pinching, dabbing, shaking adding, stirring, browning was just right. Yuuuuuuuummmmmmm

Leggs

February 20th, 2013
10:28 am

Courtside ~ no, I wouldn’t. That man would come home to a clean house, a hot meal, and a massage every night. I don’t expect my man to fold the laundry. I just don’t. I wouldn’t ask him to fix dinner, but would ask if he would like to join me in the kitchen and help prepare the meal. Lots of fun cooking together….