How can cooking be a deal breaker?
One of our MIA blog readers wants to know why her lack of cooking skills got her dumped. No, really. This is the reason she was given! Apparently, cooking was important to a man she had been seeing. He is a strong believer in traditional gender roles and had a real problem that she was unwilling to provide him with home cooked meals when he asked.
I call shenanigans, though. I don’t really believe this was the deal breaker. I suspect there is something else going on here – but maybe I am off-base. It is 2013 and many of the men who are single today grew up in homes where their mothers worked outside the home. Is this going to change the outlook of the average “modern guy”, though?
If women will still be expected to have top-notch cooking skills, will men build and fix things? I’m asking because I once argued with my ex-boyfriend who loved to talk about my sporadic cooking efforts. When I asked if he could change my oil or install brake pads, he referred me to his mechanic friend. I’m just saying, a bit hypocritical don’t you think?
So I want to know, readers. It’s 2013. How can cooking be a deal breaker?
Have you ever been dumped because you didn’t have domestic skills?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
245 comments Add your comment
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:01 pm
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:02 pm
that adults cleaning up behind themselves was a given
Dan – Unfortunately it’s not a given, and those are the so-called adults I was speaking of.
So if you got dirty drawls and you my wife
The “MY WIFE” part is key, that was the point I was making. If we are just dating and not even shacking, those are “seperate household” duties. When we are truly a team is when the teamwork came in, for me. I was never one of those “play wife” types. Maybe that’s why it took awhile for me to marry, so be it!LOL!!
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:05 pm
leggs – your friend ain’t doing something right. creamed corn and fried corn are two very different things and when you get some good fried corn you’ll recognize the difference.
leggs – I’ve heard of that route for soaking beans but it just “feels right” to do it the way I watched grandma do it. as a kid I almost thought it was magic the way the peas swelled up. lol.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:06 pm
Leggs – I’ve tried it, but it never works for me for some reason! If I don’t soak those bad boys overnight, I can forget it!
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:11 pm
No, she’s doing it right, was even featured in AJC for her fried corn. I’m talking about the visual issues I have with food. Nothing like cream corn, but that’s what I see when I see the corn in the frying pan in all that butter and bacon fat or whatever it is she uses. Perhaps your right, she may be making it wrong, but she was definitely praised forever about her fried corn.
kimmie ~ not sure why it wouldn’t work. Use the 2-min soak, drain then pour your pot likka you’ve been creating with your smoked turkey necks for quite some time and continue cooking seasoning to your tastes.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:12 pm
I used to do the overnight soak, but 2-min soak yield the same results and I’ve been making a pot of slamming peas for years!
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:15 pm
Leggs – naw. I’ll take it back. I trust your friend is doing it right and you are looking at fried thinking creamed and it’s all in your head. lol.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:16 pm
Yeah, it’s all in my head, just like I can’t get with okra just because I see snot and fried doesn’t help cuz I’m thinking fried snot…sorry!
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:16 pm
Leggs – Some simple things just don’t work out for me in the kitchen, like you know I told you all about my issues making rice. Sitr-fry, unless it’s the frozen kind, don’t seem to work out too well for me either!LOL!!
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:19 pm
leggs – do you get on your daughter’s nerves yet or is she still too young? lol. I ask because I didn’t realize as a child that my mom was a picky eater. after I got grown I realized it. it didn’t irk the heck out of me until she came for an extended visit. that lady is just plain worrisome when it comes to food.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:20 pm
I LOVE okra. My kid use to ask for boiled okra, AS A SNACK…lol Little weird baby
She would say (about 3-ish), “may I have a snack?” So I’d open the fridge and freezer and ask “whatcha want”, she would point to the okra….EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! That was always so cute and funny to me. I would boiled enough for about half a bowl. She’d sit at the table and eat it like she was eating a sweet snack or something. She would always amaze folks with her eating habits as a baby/kid. She would eat collards until you made her stop. Oh, and if I (or my sister) was cooking collards, she never wanted meat. Just collards. She NEVER ate ff (i.e. happy meals, hamburgers, etc). The most she ate out was chicken or chicken fingers. I don’t think she had a burger until she was nearly a preteen. Even now, she won’t really eat burgers (sometimes but hardly) and hotdogs? She HATES them.
MsAtl
February 20th, 2013
12:20 pm
Leggs- I’m with you on the okra thing. The only time I use or eat okra is in my seafood gumbo (which I am eating right now).
Kimmie- Have you tried Uncle Ben’s rice? I don’t think anyone can mess that up.
I eat mostly fresh and frozen veggies. I buy canned tomatoes though, for chili and other things. I will NOT buy canned corn or anythign like that.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:20 pm
Disco – I remember you talking about your mom complaining when she came to visit!LOL!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:22 pm
Mostly when eating out, my kid is going to have chicken and pasta. Not fries or anything like that unless we’re at a chicken wings place.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:22 pm
MsAtl – Yeah, I can handle Uncle Bens or Minute okay. Just can’t do the real raw kind in the bag very well.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:24 pm
disco ~ Hush! Like I said earlier, I fix a lot of things that I wouldn’t eat, but she does. She knows my food issues, and I painstakingly worked toward her not having them. That girl will try anything twice. Not me. I’ve gotten better over the past few years. It took many years before she realize she had a different veggie than what I had. My issues is mostly with vegetables and wet food (i.e., pot pie).
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
12:25 pm
@Disco
The ‘team’ wins and the ‘team’ loses. One player can pad their stat sheets as much as they want, but that makes them a bad teammate; doesn’t change the outcome of the game.
I once had a QB that scored on a 40 yard TD while I led the way, he crossed the goal line and couldn’t be bothered to give me any dap.
Next two series he got sacked as I yawned.
Not the coaches, nor the other linemen said a mumbling word about it. After the second series, he figured out that the game wasn’t about him, and came over (from that point on) to dap everyone lineman – including the benchriders – after every TD pass or run.
MsAtl
February 20th, 2013
12:26 pm
Kimmie- not the minute kind, I’m talking about the bag of Uncle Ben’s raw that you cook for like 20 minutes.
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:26 pm
kimmie – boy oh boy did I complain. the only restaurant that she went to that she didn’t complain about was sticky fingers. every other place had some type issue. she complained at baskin robbins because she wanted a “regular sundae” and apparently regular isn’t on the menu. she even tripped off of the things I bought or had on hand. “when did you start eating this? when did you start eating that?” when I got out of your house and realized I was missing out. lol. my momma is off.
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
12:26 pm
@Kimmie
I did that for many a girlfriend too. But, I’m (slowly) learning that no everyone thinks like me. They should, but I’m starting to accept that fact (begrudgingly).
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:26 pm
Cel – Other than the okra, your daughter’s eating habits sound like my little miss. Her “okra” is oatmeal. That child could eat it 3 times a day! We have to go buy the big boxes from Costco and we stay out of milk. She doesn’t do fries much at all. She hates hot dogs, except for corn dogs and even then, she mostly eats the crust part.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:27 pm
Like you, disco, when Mama visits I now realize where I get my issues from. She’s definitely a pain. My child hates to walk into a Blimpie shop with me. She now sits in the car. I think that’s funny (and sad…lolol).
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:28 pm
dan – not sure where you were going. only saying I don’t feed into that team player stuff unless the whole team is pulling their weight. I’ve even used that relay analogy on job interviews so they know where I’m coming from out the gate. don’t act like you don’t know the lazy so and so at work who just does the bare minimum but gets by on the effort of the team. bump that.
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:29 pm
leggs – do tell. what happens at blimpie?
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
12:33 pm
Dan –
I understand.
And to be specific, I am kind of particular about laundry. I don’t want anyone else doing mine but me. I want things washed and dried and folded a certain way, using certai products. I am also funny about any man seeing or washing my dirty personals, that’s just the old-school me!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:35 pm
disco – Where can I find this sticky fingers??? I would LOVE
dotry thatKimmie – Don’t you just LOVE when they start out with pretty decent eating habits? Like I said, being a teenager, she’s come into “junk food-dom”, but overall she still practices not so bad eating habits, in spite of me not slaving too much over a stove these days. She’ll cook something for her, still it’s not gonna be too much in the way of junk food. Fries is probably the most as it relates to junk. Oh and like your kid, she LOOOOOVES milk. She LOVES fruit as well. Not all fruit but for the ones she like, I can hardly keep.
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:37 pm
kimmie – all this laundry reminds me of a dream. yeah my friends are always quite entertained by my dreams. I’ve never done a man’s laundry. shoot, I stopped doing my son’s when he reached a certain age. anyway, I was dating a guy and I dreamed that he brought a heap (yep a heap) of laundry to my house for me to wash. girl, the laundry was tied up in a sheet and bundled up. lol. you know what I’m talking about with the sheet tied in a knot? he rolls up with this sheet filled with laundry and drops it off for me to wash and I went off. I got so angry in my sleep that I had to wake up. when I told him about the dream he laughed and said he knows to never ask me to do laundry. lol.
DuShawn
February 20th, 2013
12:38 pm
I want to preface my statements by saying I’m extremely domesticated and enjoy cooking. There was a time when I couldn’t care less if a chick could cook or not. Over the years however, I have come to realize the older a man gets the more important a woman’s homemaking abilities become. A female makes a house a home. If she can’t cook, she better dayum sure know how clean and f*&ck. If she can’t cook or clean……I don’t even want to f&*ck.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
12:39 pm
My sandwich has to be made the way I want it made. I don’t mean to be a pain, but I don’t like when they plop the mayo down…spread that bad boy across the bread, and I want it on both pieces of bread. I want my meat heated then placed on my bread, a dab of oil and vinegar and when the bad isn’t a big enough dab, I ask for more (lol). Just tiring things like that. I’m not a demanding type person, just don’t give me a sloppily made sandwich. Nothing major (lol).
I’m going to cafeteria now and get a sandwich, and I’ll let people go ahead of me until the one person who knows how to make a good sandwich can wait on me. Yes, I have waited. Now, I can go and stand in line and I’ll hold up a peace sign and she knows to make me the same sandwich. Other than seeing the peace sign, she knows I’m in line for something else. It works for us.
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
12:43 pm
@Disco
Where I was going is that everyone has a role; whether defined or not.
For instance (basketball), the person with the ability to score the most does. Same with rebounding, passing, defense, etc. Everyone does what it takes to ‘win.’
As a teammate, when someone started worrying about who was ‘pulling their weight’, that usually meant that person wasn’t doing their job. When you’re performing your (un)assigned tasks with alacrity, you don’t have time to watch what other folks is doing.
Therein lies the coach’s role; keep everyone focused and on task.
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:43 pm
C – google it. I know it’s a chain/franchise. my mom had ribs, greens, baked beans and something or other. I just remember that she enjoyed it all and didn’t complain about one single, solitary thing. lol.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:45 pm
Dern it, there are locations in Georgia but too far away….Savannah, Augusta and Macon. Oh well
disco
February 20th, 2013
12:46 pm
dan – ahhh. there you go again. alas I should have informed you that I kind of zone out on sports analogies (other than my relay one – lol). I’m simply not into sports and so I just don’t pay attention. I’m not sure if we have the same bottom line or not but my bottom line is that every person better be putting in some effort. and real effort. not half azz effort.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:53 pm
I’m soooooooooooo happy my headache hsa eased up some. I was bout to roll up out of here and roll right into bed
Exiled!
February 20th, 2013
12:55 pm
If she ain’t cooking,at All,I’m stopping over,eve day,at Rosemary’s after work,because Yes she can cook,then maybe after that filling,ima come home.
Let’s see then how this, being married to a ‘modern’ woman who won’t cook, will last,if at all.
It’s a dating breaker Absolutely!!
How u gonna feed the rugrats??? Mickydee??
Please!!!
Hey MIA!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:05 pm
I don’t think “not cooking” should be a “dating” deal breaker, per se. I think it should be understood that if two people decide to take vows what’s expected. Grant it, most folks don’t change up habits like that. I just don’t think a woman is “obligated” nor a man for that matter, outside of taking vows. I think a man and woman should be displaying things that will make rather than break a marriage, but really without being married, no one is “really” obligated to do married “stuff” for the other. Again, it should be a given and signs that the necessary skills are present for making things work, but a person can’t “hold” a person to a standard per se without having a foundation underneath them. Just like if we ain’t married, I’m not washing nor tending to your clothes or your home. It should be evidend though, by how you see me do my home, those needed skills are present. But obligated to care (to an extent) for you sans marriage ain’t really fair…IMO…to either parties. It’s sort of like someone said, in playing house. Like I said, from interacting and spending time with me and mine, you can “see” first hand how I do it.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:06 pm
evident not evidend….my baaaad
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:08 pm
If I decide to cook (like I said earlier) and do nice things for you, it’s because I want to, not because of the treat of breaking a deal. We’re not married? We’re not obligated….so to speak. We can and should be faithful if we’re going to go in interacting and jiving and dating and getting all exclusive, but IMO marriage is the only thing binding where I’m in it, being obligated to do and perform it all….and him as well. You gotta take vows to be held and accountable to vows. Again and of course IMO annnnd IJS!! lololololol
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:09 pm
threat not treat….dern it
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
1:09 pm
If two people are taking vows, then not cooking definitely shouldn’t be a deal breaker at that point (lol). Don’t act brand new once we get married.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:13 pm
Exactly. Folks pretty much already know one anohter’s habits and what not before taking vows. The only folks that truly got surprised were biblical folks (and mostly they did the dang thing) and puritans….lol In today’s time? Folks already done explored the dang thing. So right, don’t get all testy when I didn’t cook before and won’t cook afterwards. Now, if you require homecook meals or the maintenance man, then that should be evident prior to the vows. Of course and again, ahead of marriage folks ain’t obligated. But “like” and jiving and grooving should be the connectivity where you’re displaying these type things for one another. Now if he or she is a lazy bum, what you saw (already) is what you married….lololol
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
1:16 pm
Disco/Dan/Others – For me, laundry is symbolic with homemaking. Growing up, the only folks I saw doing laundry for others were wives and mothers. Otherwise, you do your own.
It used to be a woman gave up her virginity upon getting married. Obviously times have changed on that front. I just never liked the idea of playing all the “roles” of a spouse without the title. Laundry was always one of them, and getting financially entangled was another.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
1:16 pm
disco ~ so I suppose you see my blimpie encounter as basically normal, RIGHT (lol).
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
1:17 pm
Celisea – Your 1:05, preach. That’s the point I’ve been trying to make the whole day!!LOL!!
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
1:19 pm
Exactly, kimmie. It’s symbolic, part of the role of housewife/homemaker.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
1:20 pm
I never had anyone ask me to their laundry. Their homework, yes, but never there laundry. They could look at me and instantly know “Homie don’t play that!”
Exiled!
February 20th, 2013
1:21 pm
Cel…the chic was dumped for her lack of cooking skills. She may have said,’I can’t cook’ or tried to cook at her place and it was evident from the hopeless meal that she can’t do it.
Dude is justified to use whatever methodology to assess her competence and or desire to even provide for the man.
In my book there is a distinct difference between being able to cook and wanting to cook,as a wife. Because some women,even though they can cook well,will say,’ I won’t cook!’ They are entitled to that view and stance.
Me personally,I wouldn’t date her, or continue to,let alone marry her!
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
1:22 pm
A female makes a house a home.
Dushawn – Some might have a problem with your statement, but I don’t. It’s a role I fully embrace.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
1:25 pm
Kimmie – We’re seeing eye to eye to day. I don’t play that. The only drawers, sheets, towels, washcloths, I’m washing are the ones I use and my mama’s because she’s incapacitated. Otherwise, my kid and my dude?? Wash your own!!!
MMeello – I agree there’s a difference in not cooking versus not knowing how to cook. I don’t really see anything wrong with your preference. Not to sound contradictory, but by the same token she’s not obligated to cook for you. If you’re not married, it’s not her job. Now, if she “liked” you, she would do it….IMO That’s why I said I don’t necessarily disagree with your stance. If I see signs that a dude ain’t doing the necessary things I think a dude should do, as a standard for me, I’m out of there…by choice, but also know it’s her perogative.
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
1:25 pm
@Cel
Who you show when you’re dating is only (a small part) of who you are after marriage.
If s/he ain’t doing something that you want them to do, or is doing something that you don’t like, you can’t wait til after the ‘I do’ to say something. You can, but you shouldn’t.
And, like other attributes, if a chick was on some ‘froo – froo’, not only did we not get married, we couldn’t date long.
@Kimmie – I hear you. I would just be a little more than peeved to come homa, find my wife’s clothes washed and dried and mine still sitting there. So in that vain, I wouldn’t do it to her. #untoothers