How can cooking be a deal breaker?
One of our MIA blog readers wants to know why her lack of cooking skills got her dumped. No, really. This is the reason she was given! Apparently, cooking was important to a man she had been seeing. He is a strong believer in traditional gender roles and had a real problem that she was unwilling to provide him with home cooked meals when he asked.
I call shenanigans, though. I don’t really believe this was the deal breaker. I suspect there is something else going on here – but maybe I am off-base. It is 2013 and many of the men who are single today grew up in homes where their mothers worked outside the home. Is this going to change the outlook of the average “modern guy”, though?
If women will still be expected to have top-notch cooking skills, will men build and fix things? I’m asking because I once argued with my ex-boyfriend who loved to talk about my sporadic cooking efforts. When I asked if he could change my oil or install brake pads, he referred me to his mechanic friend. I’m just saying, a bit hypocritical don’t you think?
So I want to know, readers. It’s 2013. How can cooking be a deal breaker?
Have you ever been dumped because you didn’t have domestic skills?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
245 comments Add your comment
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:28 am
naturals
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 20th, 2013
10:31 am
Disco, I think I might have said something about this before…. I have a friend whose wife worked for the same company as he… Well about 5 years ago, he got laid off and since then, she took a promotion to work for a competitor and he has been a stay at home dad… The guys in our circle call him “Alice or Hazel” cause bebby does everything except wear one of those outfits and those ugly shoes!!! We tease him but this works for them… He takes care of the home completely and she makes sure there is money coming in to support the family…. I think if the social stigma is removed, this is a solid option for making a family work…..
MsAtl
February 20th, 2013
10:31 am
Disco & Celisea- I guess it was hard work for me because I wasn’t the traditional stay at home wife/mom. Add OCD with being taught by a southern mom. When I told other women what I did all day, they looked at me like, what? You really starch his uniforms; you really do (fill in the blank)? Man, I even had those two military creases along the top and creases going down, lol. I worked longer hours than he did. Food was made from scratch, cookies made from scratch with the little gingerbread men dressed and everything.
One of my military friends from @ 25 years ago called me and asked for my carrot cake recipe. I told her I didn’t remember it because I use a box mix now. She dropped her phone. She couldn’t believe it because she used to call me Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker.
Hmph! Now I will grab a box of cake mix in a heartbeat and those gingerbread men don’t need no clothes; give them 3 buttons and call it a day!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:31 am
When my sister married, she got a real shock. She was a no cooking, messy house keeping woman…lol Her husband got that straightened reaaaaal quick. She was a stay at home mom. After about 3 years of marriage, she was doing the dang thing. She was another one that could “burn” in the kitchen. Her house was so clean, you could almost eat off the floor. Her husband told her, ummm we ain’t having this. Kids had to have a bath and clean clothes (every day, but especially the summer months). None of that laying around all day in pjs. Clothes washed and neatly folded in drawers. Beds made, etc etc etc. Don’t get me wrong, it was like that at home. She did it cause mama and daddy required it but she didn’t want to. Don’t know what she thought was gonna be different marrying out of the house….lolololol
She’s a pro now. Divorced, but a pro none the less
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:34 am
MsAtl – Yousa good one…lol I don’t know if I could have done it THAT way. Starching his uniforms? Ummm, can you say drycleaners??? LOL I’m kidding but I feel you. That’s that little extra the normal stay at home moms don’t encounter. Yeah, that would make it a little more stressful and harder than normal.
I would not do a stay at home dad…period. IJS
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:35 am
MsAtl, I’m borderline OCD…I think….lol I have issues
disco
February 20th, 2013
10:41 am
C – re singing while eating. I don’t know any singers but I know several folks who hum when the food is good to them. and my mom’s twin brother shakes his foot. it’s so funny.
courtside – apparently there’s been an upswing in stay at home dads. I only know one personally. (don’t get me wrong I know a lot of no good jokers who stay home but I don’t put them in the same category). for me, a stay at home man is not an option. perhaps if/when I’m older and he’s legitimately retired but beside that I don’t see it happening.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
10:41 am
Celisea ~ I can only imagine your daughter trying to eat those black-eyed peas, especially after you tasted them (lol). Reminds me of how Mama made us sit at the table and eat everything on our plates no matter how cold and nasty it was. I refused one day, I just couldn’t eat it. Sat there like a petulant child until Mama finally walked in the room with a newspaper and swatted me in the head! I ate through the tears then brought it all back up!
disco
February 20th, 2013
10:43 am
we might need to hush on the cooking tip. I’ve been wanting some smothered pork chops for a minute. now y’all got me thinking about greens and black eyed peas too. y’all need to save these convos for Friday afternoon so a sister can go into the weekend motivated.
MsAtl
February 20th, 2013
10:43 am
Celisea- They got gigged if their uniform wasn’t up to snuff. You could just about cut your butt cheek on one of them creases, lol. I’ve learned to relax; still borderline, but not nearly as bad. I got called crazy when I was asked to take a friend’s child to the hospital after he broke his wrist and I made him wash his hands. I explained to his mom that since his wrist was broken, the doctor would be looking at his hands and they were filthy from playing outside. She still teases me about that and the boy is grown with kids of his own.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:43 am
disco – The first line of your 10:41 and I knew where you was going with that….lol I have a friend who is almost 40 and rocks or pats her feet while eating….lololol
A stay at home man will be when we both retire and stay home. Me on the grind while he wears an apron, watch soaps (can’t say kids cause I ain’t having no more of those) and work out, etc etc etc ain’t happening. IJS
abc
February 20th, 2013
10:47 am
Stay-at-home husbands can work just fine, but what happens is his wife loses respect for him as a man, and will gravitate toward men for whom she has more respect, i.e. those in the workplaces she is in.
Messy house, don’t want to do or don’t have time for housework? Hire a maid. Hard to afford? Cut back on work hours. Or, maybe send a message off to Hoarders to come make a video. Can’t cook? Here’s some Stouffers, sorry ’bout that. Keeping children clean and fed though, that’s another matter altogether. If the mom can’t or won’t keep up the standards, then the dad doesn’t really have a choice but to pull up the slack, no?
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:49 am
Leggs – That was just an awful sight…lol But kind of like your story and how we had to do as well. Eat all your food on your plate, don’t drink your koolaid before finishing your meal. No desert if you didn’t eat, got spanked (cause you didn’t eat) or sat there too long. Oh, or got caught throwing it away….lololol That was the funny one. Of eight kids, somebody ALWAYS took the risk and scrapped their food in the garbage. Just not smart or quick enough though. Either they got caught while doing it or got caught cause they didn’t push it too far down in the trash can. Sort of scrapped on top and just left it there. That was mostly one of my brother pulling that dumb move. lol
MsAtl – You sound like me, a person might be dying, going into cardiac arrest but noooooo way can we let them put a dusty/dirty mask on them. Umm, can we wipe this down first?
lololol I sooo feel you there. On the crisp clothing. Somebody would have been fried cause I shole would have been making my way to the cleaners on that.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:51 am
cause they didn’t push it far enough down in the garbage can…is what I meant.
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 20th, 2013
10:51 am
Ok… Celisea / Disco,
“Me on the grind while he wears an apron, watch soaps”
Would that sound sexist if it were coming from a man???
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:54 am
Courtside – I thought you like the sound of me “wearing an apron”, no? I’m just kidding. No, I don’t think it would sound sexist coming from a man, not at all.
disco
February 20th, 2013
10:54 am
leggs – re the childhood drama while eating. I can’t personally relate. lol. I was like mikey. that’s why now I have zero tolerance for picky eaters. when my niece visited for thanksgiving I know she wanted to hire a hitman to take me out. that child was straight unaccustomed to eating. she was willing to snack and eat junk but when it came to food she didn’t like anything. guess what? auntie disco doesn’t care if you like it or not. that’s one week that I was straight cooking up a storm. the poor child told me I was messing with her digestive system. lol.
disco
February 20th, 2013
10:55 am
courtside – double standards. they are what they are.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
10:56 am
“…those gingerbread men don’t need no clothes; give them 3 buttons and call it a day!” – I am hollering, sore throat and all.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:56 am
And in this case, I take no issues…it works for the woman to feel this way
Just as with sex and the girl with the girlfriend that you mentioned. You can do that and it’s almost normal. We can’t, witout the taboo. Double standards…it is what it is 
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:57 am
those gingerbread men don’t need no clothes; give them 3 buttons and call it a day!”
I thought that was cute, too
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
10:58 am
I feel awful today. I feel an “I’m leaving early” coming on….maybe
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
11:07 am
I definitely understand starching the uniforms. I’ve been told I’m iron like a professional machine. I’ve always ironed everything I wore. Bros, sis and Mama even paid me to iron. I treated wrinkles like Mommie Dearest treated those wire hangers. I still do (lol).
disco ~ I was so dang picky growing up. Nothing really stayed on my stomach. Frozen food was the pits. To this day, I still have never had a pot pie. I fed my child stuff I didn’t eat because I didn’t want her to be as picky as I am. She’s a freaking garbage disposal right about now, which is something of a good thing. I remember a co-worker telling me I must not have been poor enough if I threw food out as a kid. I may be poor and I may be hungry, but I ain’t eating anything and everything. I’ve gone to bed hungry. You know “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” kind of thing.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:08 am
Hey Gang!!
Thowing something together and saying here eat this is not good in my book. – Button, I cracked up when I read this!!
On topic – Well, first I have a problem with the dude in Wise’s example. Where does he get off demanding home-cooked meals and he’s just a boyfriend, hadn’t put “ring on it” the first? I mean seriously, those are husbandly requests.
Now yall know from reading me I’m a foodie and love to cook. I come from a long line of not only good cooks, but excellent homemakers, whether they worked or stayed at home, results were the same. My mom raised me & my brothers to be self-sufficient, so we knew how to cook whether a spouse was in the picture or not. Kids were also a whole nother matter all together. Not know how or not willing to prepare basic meals and you have children – my mom believed this to be a travesty and I agree. No growing up on Happy Meals for us.
Having said all that, since I loved to cook, dudes I dated got the benefit of it – until they made “demands” my empty ring finger didn’t allow. A request for something special, absolutely. Getting too comfortable and not willing to give me a break from the kitchen once in awhile by taking me out, no food for you.
I will say, since cooking was a non-factor for me, I can’t say it had dudes lined up for me. I don’t see it being that much of a deal-breaker these days like it may have been in the past. Chicks that can’t boil water and keep a nasty house seem to have no problem getting men to marry them. Don’t complain later then, when she didn’t change into Suzy Homemaker after you get tired of living like that.
Oh and just cause she’s a stay-at-home doesn’t mean she’s your personal slave. That doesn’t give you license to not pick up behind yourself or not contribute something to keeping the home clean.
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:13 am
leggs – re ironing. that was my son. in elementary/junior high he wore uniforms and so he took the opportunity to get fly as heck outside of school. I swear I literally watched that boy iron his shoe laces one day. lol. no lie. he stay fresh and pressed. I used to be like “throw something on so we can run to the grocery store” and he’d come out the room like we were headed to the club. lol.
hey kimmie – I am a huge fan of folks cleaning up after themselves. even little kids. if you are old enough to take a toy off the shelf you are old enough to put it back. I’m always tickled when folks say they can’t keep their houses neat because of the kids. whatever. teach the kids to put stuff where it belongs. problem solved.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:13 am
Now, I’m definitely not the best cook in the world but waaaay better than most believe (that’s cause folks now I’ve retired pretty much from cooking…unless ahem “called for”), but one thing I’ve NEVER been a fan of is frozen foods. I’ll do frozen (over canned) if not fresh, when doing meals like soup but just frozen dinners and stuff? Ummm, not! I will do the Californiz personal pizza, push comes to shove and then only one kind, but that’s about it.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:18 am
disco – Girl, you sound like my mama, she could not stand that “kids” excuse! We had 6 kids living in our house at one point, and you could still eat off the floor! People would come over and tell my mom they couldn’t believe kids actually lived there. Oh we better NOT leave ish every where and not pick up behind ourselves! That mess is not cute. I think folks that use that are really nasty and now they have the kids to put it off on!
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:19 am
C – I’m not big on processed frozen foods but there are some that I can get with and convenient is convenient. lol. I can cope with frozen vegetables and usually have some on hand. I rarely buy canned vegetables. I like digiorno’s frozen pizza. I like jimmy dean’s frozen breakfast sandwiches and will do eggo waffles. in short, in a pinch, for breakfast time I’m a lot more lenient on frozen products. someone earlier mentioned stouffer’s. I would never buy a stouffer’s lasagna or something. never had the banquet chicken or tv dinners or anything like that. I do eat the frozen pot pies.
Button
February 20th, 2013
11:19 am
I know a lot of women who take pride in being a housewife! Some housewifes will barf at getting up every morning to go to work slaving on someone else’s job/company.
Button
February 20th, 2013
11:20 am
I know a lot of women who take pride in being a housewife! Some housewives will barf at getting up every morning to go to work slaving on someone else’s job/company.
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
11:20 am
@Kimmie
A man couldn’t get a woman to say “yes to the dress/ring” without exhibiting ‘husbandly behaviors’, but the female doesn’t have to audition? Comeonnow…
As for the ‘personal slave’ comment, that was that step and you know it.
Even without my biological around, I saw and heard anough about gender roles to know that the woman takes care of/responsible for the house and those in it, and the man is responsible for making sure the house ,lights, cars, and everything else works.
In an ideal world, they share the responsibilities for those in the house, just in different ways.
Like Chris Rock said, “child can’t read, that’s mama’s fault; child can’t read becuase there’s no lights in the house, that’s daddy’s fault.”
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:24 am
disco – That’s what I mean when going with frozen over canned. That would be vegetables and all recommended from the great cooks in my circle. The key (from them) was that frozen veggies wasn’t half bad and can be seasoned to “just right.” Nothing but California Pizza, no frozen dinners. Not saying I haven’t had, but nuh uh, no can do. Mostly though, frozen veggies, if anything. My kid use to eat the TGIF’s wings in the frozen food section, but I chaulk that up to “junk food” that she likes.
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:24 am
kimmie – how about the folks who are always cleaning their house but it’s never clean. lol. I have a few friends who just have janky housekeeping habits. it is what it is.
I think most of us, in some form or another, are in favor of or support traditional gender roles. thing is, I don’t think any of us embrace all roles 100%. we all have our own exceptions. which roles we can work with and which roles we can’t.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
11:27 am
Like Chris Rock said, “child can’t read, that’s mama’s fault; child can’t read becuase there’s no lights in the house, that’s daddy’s fault.”
Never heard that, but I LIKE!!!
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:29 am
Cel – I’m not a frozen meals person either really. I don’t have a problem with frozen vegetables like broccoli & spinach or corn or some of those stir-frys you add meat to for a quick meal. The only canned I can do are tomatoes for adding to different dishes. Err now and then a frozen pot pie or single serving of lasagna, but those whole “tv dinners” like they used to call them back in the day – nope.
There are just so many convenience foods that make “semi-homemade” meals easy to prepare. Bagged salad, minute rice, seasoning mixes, cut-up chicken parts you just season and throw in the oven, baked potatoes or sweet potatoes are easy, the list goes on. There is no excuse you can’t pull something at least edible together that’s healthier and cheaper than going out all the time.
It’s
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
11:37 am
To abc’s point,
The main change in the gender roles has arisen due to the mentality of a generation of lazy chicks and sorry dudes.
I never seen a dude growing up that stayed in the house all day (playing video games, online, whatever). Even in the ‘Temp, you didn’t have a job, you still left that apartment.
Likewise, I seen too many women come home from work – and by work I mean a job that required physical labor – and fix dinner for her family (seen this with my own eyes).
Nowadays cats will stay at home all day, some putting in work around the house, some not. But if he’s unemployed, the days of ‘hitting the pavement’ and doing something are long gone.
Likewise, the days of a female believing it’s her role to care for her family in the traditional way is gone too. It’s too many ouy chere burning pots fixing canned soup, or flat out learning to refuse to cook.
I tell my kids (the boy and the girl) that learning to be self sufficient is their responsibility, and we both teach them about gender roles.
I can’t control the world, but the people that come out my house won’t be denginerates.
@Leggs
He’s not the first to say something like that. My uncle once told me that “while you wife takes care of home, you go out in the world and provide for her and the house. When she stops, you stop; see how long it take her to git right.”
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
11:40 am
I agree, Dan, I agree!!!
I look around at a lot of our aimless young men and skanky young ladies or lazy young ladies and worry. There sense of entitlement has given them no desire to seek and find what they are capable of on their own. AND, those who do seek are learning, but those who care not to seek and content with simply wasting away. It’s sad.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:41 am
A man couldn’t get a woman to say “yes to the dress/ring” without exhibiting ‘husbandly behaviors’, but the female doesn’t have to audition? Comeonnow…
Dan – I’m not taking it there at all. Yes, both gotta show they are “marriage material”. I think both can demonstrate that without making demands, that’s all. I love fixing dinner for loved ones, including whoever I was dating at the time. It was just natural, he didn’t have to ask. But if we don’t even live together, we don’t have the right to make demands, in my book. It should be enough that you know I CAN, just like it was enough for me to know a man is responsible and whatever he can’t do himself, he knows how to call and get it done, like car repairs. One perk I refused to do for a man before marriage was laundry. Until we marry and move in together, you do yours and I do mine. Real easy.
As for the ‘personal slave’ comment, that was that step and you know it.
Not a step at all. The point I was trying to make is that even though one of us might be a stay-at-home, it doesn’t mean you can’t pick up behind yourself or take out the garbage. That’s disrespect.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:45 am
Kimmie – Exactly. I take advantage of bagged salads and what not. I don’t though, follow recommendations that that stuff is good to go. I’m still “washing” and wiping stuff off….lololol I with you there on the canned tomatoes as well. I think that’s about the only thing I too pop out of a can (not even canned buiscuits anymore…lol). And that’s only when making soup or spaghetti. I even like to get corn from the frozen section and do bootleg fried corn…lol I did that a few weeks ago and it was DELISH!! I’m not shucking (sp) corn though. Nuh uh
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:46 am
Dan – Your 11:37 – I agree.
kimmie
February 20th, 2013
11:47 am
I even like to get corn from the frozen section and do bootleg fried corn…
Cel – I thought I was the only one doing this!!LOL!!!!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:49 am
Kimmie – My cousin turned me on to that. I was having a hankering for fried corn but was NOT about to buy ears and start shucking. Sooo, she told me about bootleg fried corn. It was good too!!
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:49 am
celisea – I was just in aldi last weekend with my eyeballs getting big at some corn on the cob. only reason I didn’t buy it was because I knew I wasn’t in a cooking frame of mind. girl, I will get my little bundt pan out and cut that corn off the cob and make it do what it do. what’s on my blog dinner list so far: collards, black eyed peas, fried corn. check, check, and check. lol.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:51 am
disco – PLEASE send a plate my way. Real fried corn? Heck yeah!
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
11:52 am
Y’all (notice I said y’all) need to do a blog cookoff
I would like to be the “taster.”
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
February 20th, 2013
11:55 am
@Kimmie
Calling the slave comment ‘that step” was me assuming, perhaps erroneously, that adults cleaning up behind themselves was a given.
As for things like laundry/household duties, again, I was raised in house where isht just got done. Who did what didn’t matter for the most part. There certain things that I didn’t let my mom do one I got a certain age (taking out trash, the lawn, etc.), but for the most part I was raised around adults on how to be an adult.
So if you got dirty drawls and you my wife, I have no problem washing them jawns with mine; I would hope she’d be the same way.
Gawd, what happened to teamwork? Did I miss the meeting?
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:56 am
C – I love some fresh corn. squash, zucchini, all that. I was the child that ate tomatoes like they were apples, just bit right into them. one of my “country” friends has a garden and she knows to send those veggies my way.
anyway, I’m mostly talking a good game. whether or not I actually get around to cooking depends on how I feel when the weekend actually rolls around. now if I could roll out right now, hit the store and go home it would be on and popping. well guess not since the peas didn’t have time to soak. lol.
Leggs
February 20th, 2013
11:58 am
I have a friend who seems to make a decent fried corn. I’ve never tasted it. Reminds me of cream corn, just not as mushy.
disco
February 20th, 2013
11:58 am
dan – re teamwork. you know there’s different kinds of teams right? lol. me, myself, personally I prefer to think of myself as being on a relay team. I run my leg, you run your leg, if everyone runs their leg we finish in good time. now I can’t be on a team where the benchwarmers are getting the same glory as the starters especially if I’m starting and dude at home is riding the bench. you gotta put in to get out.
Celisea
February 20th, 2013
12:01 pm
disco – You won’t believe I’m just getting around to liking squash. And I use “liking” lightly. I have a cousin that caters and hers is to die for. I doubt though, I would eat too many other folks. It’s still growing on me. She does a squash casserole, too. That bad boy is mmm mmm mmm.