Worry about picking the wrong one?
There are those who believe that single people are afraid of committing to anyone. What is closer to the truth, though, is many people are afraid of picking the wrong person. This is a real fear because we hear all the horror stories, see the divorce rates, and start to to doubt if it is worth it.
It’s really interesting because some people don’t trust their instincts when it comes to finding the right one. Let’s face it, we have a long line of “what was I thinking” exes to point to our bad choices! The question then becomes, how do you handle the fear of picking the wrong person?
Do you ever worry that you could end up with someone who is not a good match? Do you wonder if the person you pick will change?
What is the best advice someone has given you about picking the right mate? Share the wisdom!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
241 comments Add your comment
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
11:25 am
disco – I did the same thing, but I used the rain as my excuse for not going in!!
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 12th, 2013
11:27 am
Disco, the reason I asked is because I have partner that dated a lady for 3 years, He shoped and picked out a ring…when he popped the question, she told him he needed to get her a “real” ring and ask again… He went out and spent another 5g’s on the new ring and she says yes… fast forward a couple of years and they are in counseling trying to save thier marriage…… I can’t even talk to him about it with wanting to smack him in the back of the head for asking a second time AND going to that bootleg azz church counceling!
Into the Light
February 12th, 2013
11:30 am
@Leggs: I wasn’t yelling at y’all…I was projecting.
Hey, Kimmie!
Bluzgirl
February 12th, 2013
11:32 am
Morning everyone. MORNING ITL!!! Good to see you on here.
I think I have a little fear about picking the wrong one because I don’t have the best track record! BUT…I guess that’s why they didn’t work out…they weren’t the right one. The right one will come along one day, but as of this moment, I’m not sweating it. Continuing to focus on me and whatever happens happens…
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
11:32 am
I have partner that dated a lady for 3 years, He shoped and picked out a ring…when he popped the question, she told him he needed to get her a “real” ring and ask again
@Court….i would have shaken him untill he hadTourette’s , for doing that, if he were my brother..
thats not a woman that knows what marriage is…her mindset is noit even there….
If he had bought her some expensive jewellery, im sure, and very maybe she wld have been happy still single and dating him andt okay with it.
Celisea
February 12th, 2013
11:32 am
I’m hungry
I think I’m eating lunch early today.
BBL….maybe
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
11:33 am
I think I have a little fear about picking the wrong one because I don’t have the best track record!
@with that i will go take my morning shower
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
11:34 am
Courtside – See I couldn’t even fix my mouth to say something like that! I guess I was just raised different. I would have gone along with whatever he picked out and maybe suggested an upgrade on our 10th anniversary or something, or when we were better able to afford another one if I just had to have another ring. But, he went along with it and accepted it, so he can’t complain later. That told him right there what he was getting. She knew he would go along with it.
MsAtl
February 12th, 2013
11:36 am
Morning All!
I am not afraid of committing, nor am I afraid of picking the “wrong one” because hopefully I would have figured that out and stepped prior to marriage.
Disco- I am an example of a woman with a ring that was all that when the marriage was not! You can’t judge a marriage or a relationship by the ring. And did you really say man-gagement ring? That is too much!
BTW- liking the grandmotherly advice.
Into the Light
February 12th, 2013
11:38 am
Hey, Bluz!
Co signing what Kimmie said.
disco
February 12th, 2013
11:38 am
kimmie – re court’s dude. I agree he played himself there. still, I’m not going to co-sign that wanting a nice ring screams gold digger. it doesn’t necessarily. for some women a ring is important. for others it’s not important. all I can say is fellows know which woman you are with. I, for one, want a nice ring but I also am able to purchase a nice ring for myself. I’m not looking to make a come up on a dude’s ring. it’s unfortunate but that’s how some folks look at it.
MsAtl
February 12th, 2013
11:38 am
Courtside- I am shaking my head at that one. I agree with Kimmie that she should have accepted what he offered.
Exiled- If ever a shaking was warranted, that was it.
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 12th, 2013
11:40 am
We had this long debate in our circle abiout this…. several of the WAG’s said it was ok for her to hold out or ask for what she thought she deserved; the dudes all thought it was bullisht!!!
disco
February 12th, 2013
11:42 am
courtside – it was BS the way it went down. if he was into his woman, if they’d been together for awhile, he would have or should have known who he was dealing with. he should have known if she was the type to be happy with whatever or if she was the type that wanted what she wanted how she wanted it when she wanted it. dude got caught slipping.
Into the Light
February 12th, 2013
11:46 am
Seems to me like they BOTH had their priorities out of whack.
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
11:48 am
still, I’m not going to co-sign that wanting a nice ring screams gold digger. it doesn’t necessarily.
Disco – I agree. I’m talking the general attitude from the chick in Courtside’s post, and really gold-digger isn’t necessarily the first that comes to my mind. Stank and materialistic is more like it. It’s a lot that the ring symbolizes, to me. If dude was a millionaire and came at me with a cloudy little chip, I might wonder – is he just being cheap and thinks I’m not worthy of better, is he having financial problems and this is the best he can do, does he just not have good taste or doesn’t have any idea what to get me, is it an heirloom? Or does he just not put alot of value on such and would rather invest his money and soon to be ours, in other ways? Alot to consider, but I wouldn’t be so stank about it!
Into the Light
February 12th, 2013
11:48 am
(ITL dreaming of being on a sandy beach with a cool drink and a hot man….)
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
11:50 am
disco ~ if you ever shop at Aldi, they have a Honey Nut chex mix that is delicious.
Good one, ITL!
Courtside ~ I agree, but why didn’t he buy the bigger ring in the first place? Was he trying to test her to see if he could get away with the smaller ring? Well, she tested him and won a foolish man. She clearly showed him the “look” of marriage was more important than the “commitment” of marriage.
Bluzgirl
February 12th, 2013
11:52 am
If I were the girl in the situation with Court’s friend, I believe I would accept the proposal and ask if we could go shopping for a ring that better suited me later. When I was engaged, my fiance had picked out a pretty ring, but it was yellow gold and I do not like yellow gold. I accepted it anyways because it was pretty. Deep down, I thought he knew be better and noticed that I only wear white gold and silver…He really should have known to get me a white ring…Still…that didn’t change the fact that at the time, I wanted to marry him!
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
11:52 am
kimmie ~ EXACTLY. Go along with the ring and perhaps get an upgrade for one of their anniversaries. Now, they’re in counseling because she’s too controlling and sucking the life out of him (lol).
Bluzgirl
February 12th, 2013
11:53 am
Also, as I’ve gotten older, I’m not so concerned with a big ring. I’d be happy with a nice sterling silver band from James Avery jewelry. I love his jewelry and it’s my style. I don’t care a whole lot about diamonds anymore. It’s not about the ring or the wedding for me…it’s about the marriage. I decided a long time ago that I want to elope when it’s my time to get married. I have already planned one wedding that I bailed on…I don’t want to plan another…
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:01 pm
Bluz – I wanted white gold and my hubs confirmed that with me awhile before we got engaged. He had observed that I liked white gold and wanted to confirm it! My style is more modern versus traditional, and he observed that too about me, so when he picked out my ring it was JUST RIGHT!!
That really does tell you alot about the guy and how observant or not he is to you. I had a guy give me a watch with a brown leather band. I was a little disappointed inside because I hate brown and thought he should have observed that after 2 years. The watch was not me AT ALL, the whole style of it.
Into the Light
February 12th, 2013
12:03 pm
Okay, kids….lunch break is over. I’ll try to check back tomorrow.
Good chatting with you. Love and misses…..xoxo
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:03 pm
Now, they’re in counseling because she’s too controlling and sucking the life out of him (lol).
Leggs – If that’s the case, he sat up and allowed it, no backbone-having dude!LOL!
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 12th, 2013
12:04 pm
Leggs, He spent like 6k on the $4500 on teh first ring….Nice rring…or so all of the fellas thought. He showed it to us when he broke the news that he was ready to take the plunge. Since I can’t call all of the diamond specs and all, I can’t say what size but I would call it at least a carat…round cut… classy but not over the top…. Ended up going over 10 grand total on this thing that’s almost clownish. He does really well (Medical Equipment sales) so it was never about the cash for him….
Robert
February 12th, 2013
12:05 pm
@Leggs, Celisea, kimmie, disco – “What is the best advice someone has given you about picking the right mate? Share the wisdom!”
Robert’s Rules on Dating – Top 10
1. Let the Man find you. A Man that finds a wife finds a good thing.
2. Never compromise your convictions (spirituality, etc.).
3. Never settle for less (under-achieve).
4. Always demand respect. You are priceless.
5. Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
6. Stop attracting Men who are not striving to be the best (losers).
7. Stop attracting Men who do not have goals (content).
8. Stop attracting Men who are not financially secure.
9. Stop attracting Men who do not have their own car.
10 Stop attracting Men who do not have their own home/house.
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:07 pm
No doubt, kimmie! He walked right int a mess from the start when he went back to get another ring and propose all over. I could never demand such a thing.
I have a very dear friend who received a teeny, tiny engagement ring. Me and our other friend looked at each other with wonderment in our eyes…we wondered where the diamond was. We didn’t say anything because it wasn’t our place. She was happy and that was all that mattered. She got a bigger diamond many years later. They’ve now been married 22 years!!!
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:11 pm
Leggs, I have 2 friends that happened to. They too are still married and got bigger rings and more down the line.
With what all I know now, if a friend came to me engaged, I just want to know what the dude is all about and are they happy. In my 2 friends case, I remember thinking they were so lucky because they found such nice men.
disco
February 12th, 2013
12:12 pm
kimmie – I threw out gold digger to beat the guys to the punch.
leggs – I frequent aldi. was just in there on Saturday.
leggs – I don’t necessarily agree with going along with the ring. at best I’d get with bluz, accept it and maybe continue to shop around. why (settle for) accept something you are not happy with? the soul food episode when damon broke out his grandma’s ugly ring always comes to mind during ring conversations.
bluz – I’m with you. I’ll go cheapo on the wedding because weddings aren’t my thing. I do want my ring though. lol.
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:12 pm
Ummm, Robert, why you singled us out. We know what we’re doing and what we want! Never settling for less.
Courtside ~ she’s simply ungrateful. BUT, he knew that before he popped the question. He saw the blueprint of his marriage with color coated glasses. Now look at him.
Celisea
February 12th, 2013
12:13 pm
Robert, I made the Top 10….again!!! lololol
1. Check – I’m booed
2. My faith is first and foremost, ahead of everything and everybody.
I’on play ’bout that….noooo Cause when it’s all over with, Imma
need an eternal home. So, no. No compromise here.
3. I have NEVER settled! Okay once, the kid’s dad. I wouldn’t call it
settling though, cause I was sort of “green” back then. The moment
and not a moment later, my eyes opened, I was out of there.
4. I don’t do folks (i.e. kids, homies, boos, coworkers) that don’t
respect.
5. Okay, I might tetter (to some) on this one. I’m cool treating folks
the way I want to be treated, if it’s BS, I’m going nonpolitically
on them. Some may say I’m hateful or quick on the draw. They asked
for it though.
6. I don’t.
7. I don’t.
8. I don’t….definitely not on this one
9. Chile please…lol
10. Seriously???
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 12th, 2013
12:14 pm
LIke $4500 to 6K on teh first ring….
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:15 pm
Courtside Seats!!! …your woman should take what u give her..granted u can glean her taste, ask her discreetly or way in advance about her preferenaces etc on some of these things….
A woman with her head star8 and a man who cares for her felings will find balance in the middle,even when they dont have the budget to spalurge…
But to refuse a ring and order the man to ask when they buy the approrpate ring is a sign u are marrying a chicken head..he sign have seen the clue…and dropped her pronto.
Now he is in but he has no leverage nor clout in the marriage..to put it simply he is disrespected.
The only way a marriage like that wld last, with that kinda of woman is if he continues to financially feeed her ego.
He is ur friend but i think his mind is whack.
I have a brorther in exactly that kinda of set up actually…..money is the glue that holds his marriage.
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:16 pm
plurge
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:17 pm
disco – It’s just a graceful, classy way to do things. Her being materialistic or having a stank attitude may not even be the reason why they are having trouble in the marriage now, we don’t know. Only the 2 of them know. I’m with Leggs too concerning him, why didn’t he “bring it” to begin with? Why did she have to point it out to him? It could have been issues all along with him always taking the tired, cheap way out. It’s not all on her, cause we just don’t know.
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:18 pm
he shld have seen the clue
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:20 pm
you mean splurge (lol).
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:21 pm
Exiled – It’s a lot of clueless dudes out there, you would be surprised. Alot of them like such women, those that kick them around. They wouldn’t know what to do with a classier, more mild-mannered woman. Just don’t come playing the victim later when the mess don’t work out or you get weary of being kicked around! You saw it up front and liked it and put a ring on it!LOL!!
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:22 pm
splurge lol
disco
February 12th, 2013
12:22 pm
robert – I was going to see how I fit into your top 10 but then I realized your top 10 doesn’t make that much sense. we really only have so much control over who/what we attract. some folks attract people who are like them. some folks attract people who are nothing like them. most folks probably attract a combination of both. perhaps you should have said “don’t date” as opposed to “don’t attract”. that’s my argument.
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:23 pm
@Kimmie..i know..
a lot of men see BET videos with nice bodied women and think “MARRIAGE”…
Marriage is about the mindset…..
disco
February 12th, 2013
12:24 pm
on the topic (sort of) of janky marriages, I can’t stand when folks have a big wedding and then they are homeless after the ceremony. how you going to have a big wedding and then go move in with one of y’all’s momma afterward? just plain wrong.
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:25 pm
To break it down a little further, Robert, your points 6-10 are not controlled by us. It would have been better said, stop being attracted to….who we attract has nothing to do with who we get “involved” with.
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
February 12th, 2013
12:25 pm
Yeah he went in with his nose wide open… All in love and thinking they were gonna be the next Cliff and Clair Huxtable. Problem is, while I think she loves him, I also think they give too much a damn what things look like from the outside. I mean they look the part on teh surface, but when you look a little closer the cracks are big as all of outside…. And they New Birth counseling just sets them up for more jokes and greater failure…
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:26 pm
10 Stop attracting Men who do not have their own home/house.
Disagree..unless u have one urself.
Whats wrong with building a future TOGETHER?!!
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:26 pm
disco ~ I now see your post…thank you. You got it!!!
kimmie
February 12th, 2013
12:30 pm
disco – That’s called misplaced priorities. See, my mom told me up front wasn’t gonna be no huge wedding putting errbody in debt and we sure were not welcome to move back in!LOL!!
Exiled
February 12th, 2013
12:33 pm
And they New Birth counseling just sets them up for more jokes and greater failure…
…i rest my case!
Leggs
February 12th, 2013
12:35 pm
disco ~ I’ve never understood big, outlandish weddings. I understand it’s what the wife-to-be wants, but I can’t reconcile spending that type of money on a ceremony entertaining other folk when I could better use that money toward our future. I watch Four Weddings sometimes and I’m amazed at the amount of money they spend. To each their own, is all I can say.
Bluzgirl
February 12th, 2013
1:04 pm
Since it’s slowed down in here. I just need to share that I’m having a rough day and would appreciate some good vibes sent my way. Today would have been my friend’s birthday and it’s the first birthday of his since he passed. I’m taking it a little rougher than I thought it would. I’ll be glad when the one year anniversary of his passing will come and go next month so there are no many “firsts.” I’ve been thinking about how I was too self involved last year and forgot to call him on his birthday. I was going through the terrible break up and I’ve had regrets for not taking 2 minutes to call him and wish him a happy birthday. Anyway…needed to get that off my chest.
Carry on…