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Are you different around friends?

My friend Brianna has dated someone for a couple of weeks and thought she had a “pretty good” sense of who he was. His personality, sense of humor, and his image was so attractive to her. It wasn’t long before she started getting those “butterfly” feelings about him.

This past weekend, she was introduced to his friends. Apparently, she was also introduced to a new side to her date. A side she had yet to see before now. The guy basically turned into a frat boy. Not in the good way, either. He was loud, obnoxious, a little misogynistic and nothing like the sweet dude she thought she was dating. She said even his voice sounded different!

When she pressed him later about his switch up in personality, he blamed it on the al al al chol (I’m sorry, I had to do it) and his boys. When they all get together, they kind of let it all hang out and let off steam.

I have seen men act differently around their friends, I’ve come to recognize this as some form of male bonding. I don’t know that it is necessarily a red flag. I can understand why Brianna was surprised, but should she be worried?

Do you change when you are around your close friends? Is there a side of your personality that only comes out around certain people?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

142 comments Add your comment

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
8:22 am

Hello all :-)

Here we go with this thinking you know someone after dating a “couple of weeks” REALLY!! It takes six months to a year to really no anything about anything. Everything is great until the newness wears off, then you figure out is it really for you.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

February 11th, 2013
8:42 am

A year?

Even then, you don’t ‘know’ a person.

I’ve always been a proponent of detailed questions (not a questionare) about a person’s life, significant events, and their responses. This gives you a base line understanding of someone.

But life, and who a person is, is defined in the moments.

For instance, I experienced a (few) major life events in the last couple of years. And my wife was there for most of them. She saw how I handled pressure and pain (and vice versa). If anything, it was those seminal moments that told each of us about the other; more than the 15+ years of our prior interactions.

As for dealing with your friends, you should have a different aspect to your personality around them; especially depending on the tenure of your friendship.

My guys from high school and I act about the same way we did then. That is to say we assume the same roles. It’s where people are comfortable and what the friendship is, in part, based on.

My guys from college are different. We’ve grown together over the years, sharing life, love, loss, marriage, and children. But we met at a different times in our lives. We, too, still revert to our old patterns of behaviors and roles within the group.

Point is, she should acknowledge that he has these aspects to his personality and look at them in context to her exeperience with the dude. Just as he would do the same regarding her interactions with her homegirls from a certain period.

Context matters.

Good morning (SFTLP)

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
8:54 am

Dan, if you pay attention to how a person handles life’s little problems, you can tell how they will handle “life changing problems” you don’t need to ask any questions, just pay attention to the little things. but I digress.

IMissAtlanta

February 11th, 2013
9:07 am

Yes, when around your friends, you tend to get more comfortable and even a lil crazy because you will not be judged. I act more comfortable and even joke a bit more then I would around my neighbours or something. Even my husband tends to act out a bit. He is a physician who is always calm and cool until he is around his Chicago southside bestfriends ..then I see a side that I have NEVER seen before. When we were dating, I saw him do a 180 when we were visiting chicago, and it didn’t turn me off rather made me like him even more

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

February 11th, 2013
9:10 am

I disagree

A ‘little problem’ is by definition not indicative of a person’s personality.

Anyone can, and does, overreact to ‘little/minor’ issues based on the entirety of their day, their mood in the moment, and other factors unrelated to who they are.

Watching someone go through a major event is more telling IMHO

Exiled

February 11th, 2013
9:11 am

@Dan 8:42 I agree 100 on that post….!!

Man u handled that really well….

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
9:12 am

I don’t see this as a red flag at all. There are many facets to a person’s personality. She’s seeing another side. Eventually, she’ll get to all four corners completing who he is. Men act differently around their buddies, just like we can act differently around our girls.

Likka changes most, brings out the otherwise dormant Mr. Hyde in many people. If he doesn’t hang with his buddies on the regular, letting loose every now and then is good for the soul.

IMissAtlanta

February 11th, 2013
9:17 am

@ Dan – I agree with you. People act towards “life changing problems” according to “other factors unrelated to who they are”. I grew up sheltered so I tend to freak out easily then my husband. He was born and raised in an environment that made him tough which in result helps him NOT “freak out” easily.

disco

February 11th, 2013
9:27 am

good morning y’all. yeah we all have our different personalities. I break mine down as follows: at work disco and outside of work disco. outside of work disco can be broken down in two ways: around folks I know and like and around folks I don’t give a damn about. lol. and last but not least, I have my “elder” personality. I may get fly with some folks that are older but when I’m around my straight up respected batch of elders (grandparents, friends of grandparents etc) they get the best of disco.

as far as relationships go, dudes generally get the real me as the only time my true self is watered down much is at work and I have yet to have a boyfriend escort me to work. lol. I don’t shock guys so much as I shock different groups of girlfriends. I’ve found that my “book club” girlfriends get wide eyed if mixed in with my “round the way” girlfriends.

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
9:37 am

Hey disco,

People who feel they have to impress, put their best foot forward will change depending on who they are around. What most like about me is that I’m the same person from day 1 until day 1000000000001, either you like or you don’t, but it’s not going to change depending on the situation!

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
9:44 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, INFAMOUS DK!! – Hope day is fabulous on this wet, drizzling Monday.

SlimNu - Out from under a rock

February 11th, 2013
9:45 am

Morning folks,

I don’t think there is much to be worried about with this scenario because folks are 4 dimensional…never just black and white. I don’t act the way I would if I were hanging out with my real friends, than I would at a work function. Does that mean i’m fake or not being my true self? Nope, it’s just a matter of ‘time & place”.

SlimNu - More of me

February 11th, 2013
9:47 am

Happy BD DK!

disco

February 11th, 2013
9:50 am

single – many years ago – like 20 – one of my cousin’s boyfriends said that I was one of those folks you either like or you don’t. absolutely no gray area with me. I couldn’t even be mad when he said it because there’s some truth to it. a lot of folks think I talk to much, I’m too abrasive, I’m not sympathetic or empathetic enough. all I can say is oh well and go popeye on them. “I am what I am”.

slim – mentioning fake made me think of my “respect the truth” mantra. over the weekend groupon had some necklaces and one of them said truth (hope, love, faith were the others but I wanted truth). I slept on it. by the time I decided I wanted it the deal was up. oh well.

MsAtl

February 11th, 2013
9:50 am

Morning All!
Disco- I agree; I am more relaxed around certain groups and more formal around others. However, I am always me, straight up. I do believe that it is difficult to really get to know someone after a couple of weeks, because chances are you have only met their representative.
I think she will need to get to know him better. Also, define “a little misogynistic.” Was it an off-color joke or was it all out disrespect toward women? If it was the latter, then I would raise an eyebrow and be ’bout to be out.

disco

February 11th, 2013
10:03 am

I think my representative is out of work. lol. my representative is only present during job interviews (and related work type stuff). I’m the chick that tells guys straight up on the first date or whenever “yep. I’m crazy and I come from a long line of crazy. my momma is crazy, my aunties are crazy, my grandmomma is crazy. what?”. I’m not saying I am above playing games. I recognize game and I have a little bit of game but I never even understood the point of sending in a rep. I’m too selfish for the rep to be getting the play. lol.

Exiled

February 11th, 2013
10:03 am

Ima just give uall my Grammy run down coz I got so much today:

Johnny Depp..what was that rag

Jaenelle Monae..who was that Atlanta SWATS resident beside her
Whizz Khaliff..he bought that out fit at my flea market on Candler rd Decatur

J-Lo..great body and beauty,terrible puddy
Chris Brown..he just needs to do BET only for now
Mrs Brown can sing thoEmber Rose..me thinks she is a hollywood gol’ digger
Flo Rider brought his stripper, that was cheaper option than a real girlfriend
Adelle is fat
Kelly Clarkson is chubby but can sang
Love.. loved loved Katie Perry’s teotos
Is Bruno Mars formerly a man,turned woman, a woman turned man..im confused?
Beyonce looked Class..no hanging cleavage,go ahead Mrs..so did Kelly Rowland

I liked the Grammy music overall

Ll closed it well i think..great show overall

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
10:04 am

Disco, do you answer okay to a lot of statements about you? When people give me their unsolicited opinion of me, I just say “Okay!” and give that I don’t care (give a f**k) look :-D We seem to almost have the same personality :-D

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
10:08 am

MsATL on the misogynistic, you know that’s one of those things that most women will over look until it’s what they deem to late IE: in a long term relationship, or married. Just the LITTLE thing they let slide because it was put in the form of a joke.

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
10:15 am

Hmmmm, I don’t think the dude in today’s post was faking, per se. I think she just saw another side or part of him.

I’m myself all the time, but with that, I handle some folks with a long handle spoon because (most times), it’s something I’ve encountered with them that made me think they couldn’t be trusted with the 100% me or just couldn’t be trusted at all….as in shady. There are folks that get the good morning, goodbye and goodnight and not even the long handled spoon because I got enough glimsp into their character or behavior to know they don’t need (or ain’t getting) more than that. Then there are those that get to see me 100% full fledged…lol They can take me and can roll with me and my many facets, wide open, no filters. But because I don’t feel the need to be an open book, does not mean I’m fake or hiding or not being myself. I’m watching folks as much as they’re watching me and if I don’t get the feeling that you’re being one hundeered (hundred), then naw, you won’t get up close and personal.

I remember once having lunch with one of my (dude) besties and he let the “p” word slip. It was funny to me cause it jumped out of his mouth before he could run catch it…lololol Normally, he’s always the gentlemen, no foul language, no bad boy behavior, just soooo sweet sweet sweet (mmmm hmmm), etc etc etc. Anyhoo, I had a onesided grin, cause I already knew him, his boys and how they roll. Funny today’s topic, cause I said “this must be how you talk with your boys.” He just laughed and said “my bad.” He never wanted me to see the debaucherous side…lol

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
10:17 am

Oh, and it don’t take forever to learn how folks are. You can peek into that within the first couple of months….of course IMO You won’t know them thoroughly but you’ll have some idea.

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
10:18 am

Maybe that was my squareness that looked up when I heard the word…lololol

SlimNu - More of me

February 11th, 2013
10:26 am

disco – You can’t handle the trooof lol

Robert

February 11th, 2013
10:31 am

Today, when you meet someone people use different standards. For example I had a women tell me who I just met that she would “google” me to find out if I had a history (married, ex-convict, etc.). Facebook is another source people will use to find out information on a potential mate (family, friends, pictures, etc.).

We live in a society that places a premium on electronic communications and information is available from a lot of sources. Once upon a time you would measure your dating success based on the amount of time spent/invested in getting to know the person. Know all kinds of information is available at the click of a mouse.

disco

February 11th, 2013
10:36 am

C – with me, I’m a mouthpiece. you can tell when I don’t like, don’t trust or am uncomfortable with someone because I don’t talk around them. if asked direct questions I’m really short with my replies. I simply do not eff with folks I don’t want to eff with. my friends and family peep it quick and try to remove me from the “offending” person or they try to instigate and start something with the offending person. lol. at work I’m the same on that front. I can be talking with someone or a group of people if that one somebody I don’t mess with joins the group, I’m out. just like that.

case in point. coworker I don’t mess with just asked if I had a good weekend. in my mind I’m like trick my weekend ain’t none of your daggone concern. mind your business. what I said was “sure”. and it was a real flat sure. she knows I don’t eff with her.

s/h – my son is quick to tell folks that his momma is “funny-acting”

disco

February 11th, 2013
10:38 am

slim – whether I can handle the truth or not is not the issue. I just need for folks (self included) to respect it.

SlimNu - More of me

February 11th, 2013
10:39 am

disco – Was just jokingly referring to a quote in the movie, “A Few Good Men”….. reeeeeelllllax But yeah, got your point. :???:

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
10:42 am

Dang disco, you sound just like me, except the instigating, when someone tries to instigate something they catch my wrath, don’t play childish games.

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
10:44 am

Slim, I got your joke, but is it really the truth, or just someones opinion (usually unsolicited)

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
10:49 am

disco – I guess I might say we’re similiar except I’m a mouthpiece when I need to be. I’m not just yapping to be yapping or yapping to be a showoff. Most of the, all days, at work I’m quiet. I keep to myself and work. Where we differ is, if it’s someone I don’t care for, I don’t need to tell you that in order for you to know. I call that wasting breath and words. When I have no dealings with you, you’ll know. Now, if a tongue thrashing is garnered, they’re gonna get it…lol After they get it and get it good once, I’m done.

Like I said, giving a person my behind to kiss speaks much much louder than I can mouthed

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
10:52 am

Robert, how would goggling someone tell you about their personality? Beyond somethings that they may lie about.

disco

February 11th, 2013
10:54 am

C – I’m the quietest thing up in this office. I’m a mouthpiece with friends and family. again, I don’t really share words with folks I don’t like, don’t know, don’t trust. most of my family members are smokers. I’m allergic to smoke. I tend to lose my voice when I go home in the wintertime. talk about cruel and unusual punishment. me being at home with all my friends, family, play cousins and everybody and I can’t freaking talk. it’s terrible!!! lol.

s/h – that’s where respect the truth comes in. if I insult you and it’s true don’t get mad because it’s true. if it’s not true, why get mad? you know it ain’t true. now, I’ll let you call your own truth but either way, whatever the truth is, respect it. lol.

SlimNu - More of me

February 11th, 2013
10:55 am

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
11:02 am

Dang, every woman on this blog has a fiery, feisty side, except Bluz;. Well, she’s acquiring one. Not one meek person resides in Blogsville. Wonder how that came about (lol).

disco

February 11th, 2013
11:05 am

leggs – never fear. we have a few soft azz blog men so it balances out. lol.

slim – your mmmmk. made me think of monk. I don’t know who watches/watched monk but last night I saw the episodes where he finally caught trudy’s killer. oh yeah. scandal people, I watched scandal yesterday too.

Bluzgirl

February 11th, 2013
11:06 am

Morning all!

I agree with most of what has already been posted. There are many sides to one’s personality. It takes a while to see them all…

Leggs – LOL! I am developing my fiery, feisty side…It’s always been there, just getting a bit stronger!

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
11:08 am

Disco, my problem usually comes, because when I say okay, that’s not good enough, so they have to continue to tell me until I blow up, then I can’t handle the truth. It’s not that I can’t handle it, it’s that I don’t care what they think (LOL)

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
11:11 am

disco ~ straight up comedy.

Bluz ~ since I’ve seen you blast a few here, I know the fire is slowly intensifying.

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
11:11 am

I went to a birthday dinner at Copelands yesterday. While it was raining, I’m glad I went. The food was great, the company was great! I was nervous about going because I was up Sunday at 4:00 throwing up…ugh

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
11:13 am

So disco, what makes a man soft?

disco

February 11th, 2013
11:13 am

s/h – I ain’t said nothing about handling the truth. I said learn to respect it. there’s a very simple but powerful lesson in respecting the truth. lol – you not caring about what people thinks puts me in mind of me not caring about people’s feelings. I get irked as heck when grown folks go to whining about their feelings. they need to check that mess at the door.

SlimNu - More of me

February 11th, 2013
11:17 am

disco – I’ve heard of that show but never watched it…

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
11:18 am

So disco, what makes a man soft? – May I join in on the answer

1. One who looks for clothes to compliment his skin tone. I couldn’t resist….

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
11:18 am

Disco, is there a difference between respecting it, and handling it. either way it goes, it’s still their opinion. yea people do need to check their feelings. :-D

Leggs

February 11th, 2013
11:19 am

SlimNu ~ Monk is a good show. He’s quirky, eccentric and has lots of phobias. It’s quite entertaining watching him.

Single & Happy

February 11th, 2013
11:19 am

Leggs (rotflmao)

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
11:21 am

One more “off topic”….I bought a new bed this weekend!!! Sterns and Foster from Macys. I can’t WAIT for it to be delivered. I actually bought a bed and Beautyrest mattress set from American Signature Furniture first, and then decided to stop by Macy’s on my way home. So I returned the Beautyrest from American Signature Furniture (ain’t got my money back yet :evil: ), but went back to Macy’s and got the S & F. I’m just stoked right about now. Naturally the dude at ASF was NOT happy when he saw me walking back in to return the purchase. I didn’t return the (sleigh)bed but I’m tettering. I saw another one I wanted that’s just absolutely gorgeous. My electrician deferred me to a furniture copy he and his wife uses and they pretty much order the furniture. I saw a bed that I want. That dude really ain’t gonna be happy when/if I return the bed I got there.

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
11:23 am

I should have said I bought a mattress set from Macy’s, not bed :)

Celisea

February 11th, 2013
11:23 am

And it’s Stearns and Foster, not Sterns….okay I’m done and gone….

BBL, maybe

abc

February 11th, 2013
11:35 am

I’d say I’m the same pretty much around anyone. To be any different is to be acting, no? Posing? Let us not be the poseur. I actually think that people appreciate that about me — what you see is what you really get.