Are you different around friends?
My friend Brianna has dated someone for a couple of weeks and thought she had a “pretty good” sense of who he was. His personality, sense of humor, and his image was so attractive to her. It wasn’t long before she started getting those “butterfly” feelings about him.
This past weekend, she was introduced to his friends. Apparently, she was also introduced to a new side to her date. A side she had yet to see before now. The guy basically turned into a frat boy. Not in the good way, either. He was loud, obnoxious, a little misogynistic and nothing like the sweet dude she thought she was dating. She said even his voice sounded different!
When she pressed him later about his switch up in personality, he blamed it on the al al al chol (I’m sorry, I had to do it) and his boys. When they all get together, they kind of let it all hang out and let off steam.
I have seen men act differently around their friends, I’ve come to recognize this as some form of male bonding. I don’t know that it is necessarily a red flag. I can understand why Brianna was surprised, but should she be worried?
Do you change when you are around your close friends? Is there a side of your personality that only comes out around certain people?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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142 comments Add your comment
SlimNu - More of me
February 11th, 2013
3:31 pm
disco – PLEASE save us from the molasses….I’m in favor of topic change
disco
February 11th, 2013
3:35 pm
slim – well I’m not claiming it’s exciting but…
a friend and I have been discussing this today and are apparently on two different sides of the fence. a guy gave her the old standby excuse that black men (in particular he and his friends) don’t want to date black women because of our attitudes. (just for the sake of argument we’ll take it for face value and won’t go into all the other angles here). my friend is of a mind that we black women really should start checking our attitudes and maybe our attitudes are the reason why so many of us are single. I told her not to let dude bamboozle her. i say attitude isn’t even what it’s really about. I say these particular guys don’t want to deal with their own issues (whatever they are) and saying we have an attitude is an easy cop out (not denying that we have attitudes but let’s face it, who doesn’t?). in short, I say the bad attitude argument only applies to the guys who can’t get away with what they are trying to get away with because attitude always checks them. what says you good people? after much back and forth, my friend and I decided to agree to disagree.
Leggs
February 11th, 2013
3:41 pm
Blog thank you, Jake.
DuShawn
February 11th, 2013
3:41 pm
If it were up to me, I would date only white women. When I mentioned that to my wife, she caught an attitude
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
3:41 pm
Since we’ve distinguished today that you can be multi-faceted and not really fake. How bout a little afternoon follies of what constitute “fake” or true fakes, I should say
You are fake if…….
1. You operate in life under an alias. Blog monikers get a pass,
unless of course in the virtual world you have several
2. You can hold a conversation while retracting your fangs.
3. Participate or engage in activities where your SO would birth a cow
if they knew
4. Yousa undercover ho, with a “great guy” tshirt
5. “Attempt” to fish out the same pond
6. If you believe you’re smart enough to “attempt” to fish out of the
same pond and not know, folks talk
7. “Attempt” to fish out of the same pond and you’re off the market
8. If your first name is “durty”, and this is no reflection on our
resident “Dirty Bird.”
9. If really, you don’t think women amount to much, but come off as
their biggest fan!!
10. See #2….
Just having a little afternoon fun, since it’s dragging in here and of course from a woman’s perspective…lolololol
disco
February 11th, 2013
3:46 pm
really and truly I don’t care who dates who. I’m just amazed that my girl let a dude get in her head like that. she’s really at a point of adjusting/adapting who she is to fit the model of what she thinks these guys want. that’s never good.
disco
February 11th, 2013
3:48 pm
celisea – in real life my alias/club name is tracy Johnson. I’ve been “tracy Johnson” since junior high. been tracy Johnson so long that I turn around in a crowd when someone says tracy. lol.
Leggs
February 11th, 2013
3:49 pm
To say we have an attitude is another way of saying we will “check” them and not accept anything and everything they say. Most people don’t get mad just for the heck of it.
Leggs
February 11th, 2013
3:51 pm
You’re right, disco, that is never good. She’s going to adjust and modify for what she “THINKS” her new man might want. Flag on play, never mind, let him play her! Silly rabbit….
kimmie
February 11th, 2013
3:51 pm
disco – I agree with you on that. Every man I’ve heard complain like that, and not just black men about black women, but other men complaining about “American” women, etc, are usually the dudes that met women who would not let them get over on them.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
3:52 pm
disco – If you say “club alias”, you get a pass for that. Not giving out your real name in that kind of scene is just smart….of course IMO. Me though? I’m just a little too
Well, at least no more I don’t.
squaredvanilla to do clubsSlimNu - More of me
February 11th, 2013
3:57 pm
Back in the day I used Tiffany as my ‘club name’ lol What’s so funny is later on down the road a I met a friend of mine name Tiffany and My name was her club name. Go figure right!
disco – Unless this dude is messing with folks with a serious anger management problem, he’s looking for a sheep or something that can be led easily.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
3:57 pm
In re-reading Diva’s post and my top ten, now that I think about it, dude blamed it on the alcohol. I would say that’s leaning towards fake….possibly. If he would have said, oh baby I’m just letting my hair down and introducing you to a side you haven’t experienced, that might have been different. But to resort to blaming it on the al al al cohol, makes me go hmmmmmm
disco
February 11th, 2013
3:58 pm
leggs – that’s the argument I was making when I was asking her not to get sucked in by dude’s lame argument. she got sucked in (guess dude had mad talk game). it’s all good but like I said, changing you to be (or try to be) what someone else wants is not a good look.
kimmie – thanks for sharing my viewpoint. I can’t believe how long we went back and forth on that with her not budging. again, we finally agreed to disagree.
C – I haven’t been to a club in forever ever but any time a situation arises where I don’t want to use my real name out pops “tracy”. lol.
abc
February 11th, 2013
3:58 pm
What is the difference between a person being a true fake versus just having different sides to their personality?
If you have a dramatically different speech pattern around some than others (i.e., dialect, accent, use of slang and profanity) then you’re posing. Be yourself. If you won’t say or do something in front of some, there’s a reason for that; maybe you should follow your model behavior all the time — unless you think the opposite, in which case, why be kissin azz on the favored few?
I suppose one could enumerate a list of things like that — but basically, be yourself, all the time. Bring everything you have to the table. Don’t hold back, don’t front like you’re something you’re really not. Else, you’re a fake. In my opinion, your mileage may vary, all that.
Chattanooga is fun if you’re into a small town vibe, which I am. Incline railway definitely not what it once was; Rock City, Ruby Falls, yeah they’re still there. Watching a Lookouts game is a good thing. Aquarium, IMAX, a couple good restaurants, B&B’s — that’s it! You can cover Chattanooga pretty well in just a couple of days.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:00 pm
It’s been so long since I been in a club, but I remember saying whatever came to mind. I didn’t have a name I stuck with, per se. I just didn’t give out my name. It was funny too, when they called you’re like, you’re looking for who??? Guess I should have been smart and stuck with an assigned alias. lolololol
Leggs
February 11th, 2013
4:03 pm
disco ~ many are looking for that woman they can easily get into their mind. Like SlimNu said, they;’re looking for sheep they can lead. Nothing has changed.
AND, please let it be known I’m not equating an inquiring woman with a boisterous woman, shaking her head from side with her hands on her hips. We all don’t do that. Heck, I for one can’t even do a neck roll.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:03 pm
If you have a dramatically different speech pattern around some than others (i.e., dialect, accent, use of slang and profanity) then you’re posing. Be yourself. If you won’t say or do something in front of some, there’s a reason for that; maybe you should follow your model behavior all the time — unless you think the opposite, in which case, why be kissin azz on the favored few
I think this goes back to folks (well, at least me), saying for reason they’re certain way with certain folks. Doesn’t make you a fake just because someone gets the fully monty and someone doesn’t. For reasons, one gets the full monty and others don’t.
kimmie
February 11th, 2013
4:05 pm
Cel – Thinking back, I used to give out a fake name too in the clubs. It’s been so long, I’ve forgotten about that!LOL!!! I was not too smart with it either.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:06 pm
And when I got older, I learned to give out my real name but my sister’s number…lololololol Instead of my number and a fake name. And really, in clubs, often it didn’t get that far. It was mostly convo, a drink and a dance.
disco
February 11th, 2013
4:06 pm
abc – I don’t think the speech patterns necessarily constitute fake. I say this because how I talk at work, how I talk to my street level friends, how I talk to my “don’t know nothing bout the streets” friends, how I talk to my grandparents. all of them get different vernaculars and tones but all of it is pure me.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:09 pm
Kimmie – I look back at those times and even though me and my girls thought we were balling, I wouldn’t give anything to go back to that time. But, it was fun while we were living it.
Mayne oh mayne, I would just drop anything, any name. Not like Shambooka or Triketa. More simple names like Sharon or Pam. Hahahahaha, I’m laughing as I type this
kimmie
February 11th, 2013
4:11 pm
There is a way to “network” without brown-nosing and being phony about it. I’m generally myself at work, very even-tempered and pleasant, but I don’t open up to people at work, only to friends and family.
disco – I remember my first serious boyfriend tried to pull that mind game on me. I was young and green and foolish, but not that foolish. Either he accept me for the person I was or find someone else. He found someone else, which was just fine.
disco
February 11th, 2013
4:15 pm
C – I only gave out fake numbers when I was being dirty. this was way back in the day. no cells yet. If I had a “romantic rival” chick or some chick I just didn’t like I’d give out her number. lol. one time I was dealing with a dude who neglected to tell me about his other woman. when I found out about her I’d give guys her name and her man’s number. lol. yeah. I was wrong. whatever.
kimmie – this is why I’m a bit weirded out by the exchange. granted this particular friend isn’t one of my “wild” friends. in fact, she’s relatively mild mannered, soft spoken. the last thing I’d associate with her is a bad attitude. not saying she doesn’t have her moods like everyone else. this is why I’m thinking dude is spitting mad game on her.
kimmie
February 11th, 2013
4:15 pm
I wouldn’t give anything to go back to that time. But, it was fun while we were living it.
Cel – Amen, I had my fun but I tell my neices and such it’s their day with all that. Don’t want to go back!
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:15 pm
And really, I don’t come to work to make or be friends. I keep it tip top while I’m here. I don’t need to get “laid back.” Shoot, they’ll just look at me like I done lost my mind up in here. I can’t even write in emails like I blog
While reminiscing…..
My pastor is young and she and I was sitting together watching something on t.v. and an Absolut commercial came on. She turned and asked if ever had it. Of course I laughed and told her about the card parties the kid’s dad and I would attend. He was NOT a good player so me and Kevin the Kappa (y’all remember him, I got smacked over him), and I use to pair up and talk MUCH trash. Needed to be fueled for playing…lol Of course none of the other women in my circle played because they couldn’t take the trash talking…lol And naturally the kid’s dad would be irked by the end of the game.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:17 pm
disco – I’d give guys her name and her man’s number. lol. yeah. I was wrong. whatever.
I just laughed out loud on this one. While I wouldn’t do it now, I can’t even say anything about it cause that’s some mess I would have done back in the day. I was a handful back then….whew buddy
disco
February 11th, 2013
4:19 pm
C – what? not drinking, playing spades and talking trash. that’s what I was made for. shoot, even sober, I can talk some trash playing cards or not playing cards. lol. funny. growing up I had one grandmother who forbid us from playing with cards, dice, anything. and another grandmother who had regular card parties at her house. go figure.
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:20 pm
I only gave out fake numbers, if I absolutely knew it was gonna go no further than the space between us while standing and talking…lol I gave out my sister’s number to possibles and potentials…lololol My sister was cool as ever about it too. She would just say “Celisea is not in” and call me and tell me they called. Then I’d call back, blocking my real number….ha ha ha ha ha
Celisea
February 11th, 2013
4:21 pm
disco – Now you KNOW I could play and talk trash sober, but if it was a party where there was a lot of folks and I needed to have my game on, I would get likka’d up a bit. Wooosaaaah, needed to be at my best and on top of my game…lololol
kimmie
February 11th, 2013
4:22 pm
disco – Oh I know he’s playing games then. I told you, with that 1st boyfriend, I was green. He used to try to see how far he could go with me, and me feeling out the whole relationship thing for the first time, I normally didn’t speak up for myself much. As time went on though, I found my voice, and even though I was still my mild-mannered self, no neck-rolling or cussing, I spoke up. That knocked him for a loop and he had the nerve to tell me I had an “attitude problem”! I was completely puzzled by that because that would be the last way anyone that knows me would describe me! I knew them I was being played!LOL! No more, though!!
Leggs
February 11th, 2013
4:24 pm
Nite!
abc
February 11th, 2013
4:26 pm
Purposely tailoring behavior is not acting?
Bluzgirl
February 11th, 2013
4:36 pm
I have my fake name while being approached by people I don’t want to deal with…it’s Katie. When I was younger, I would give out the number to my local Pizza Hut to guys!!! There once was a rejection line phone number you could give out (may still exist) and I gave it a couple of times. Quite funny!
disco
February 11th, 2013
4:38 pm
kimmie – it’s not his game that surprises me. it’s the fact that a 40 something year old woman is falling for it hook, line and sinker. smdh.
bluz – what? you weren’t telling the 867-5309 or 777-9311. lol?
DuShawn
February 11th, 2013
4:42 pm
@abc “If you have a dramatically different speech pattern around some than others (i.e., dialect, accent, use of slang and profanity) then you’re posing……. I partially agree with that, I have always valued the ability to speak articulately without sacrificing one’s ethnic tone. I do however; adjust my choice of words contingent upon the listeners. If the fellas are in mixed company, out of respect for the ladies, we wouldn’t talk as we would amongst ourselves. Additionally, regarding slangs and colloquialisms, the use of these terms are inappropriate in a professional setting. I don’t believe refraining from doing so makes you fake. It’s a time and a place for everything.
Bluzgirl
February 11th, 2013
4:42 pm
disco – Couldn’t make it too obvious! LOL
DuShawn
February 11th, 2013
4:49 pm
Chicks aren’t the only ones to give out fake names and numbers…I used to tell them my name was Pierre…….. “Sak Pase, Nap boule”, My number was 305-696-0800. That was the number to the Humane Society.
disco
February 11th, 2013
4:51 pm
dushawn – I’m real careful about mixing my groups of friends. some folks just ain’t going to work together. I had a party once where I mixed straight hood with upwardly mobile (and a little bit snooty). we wound up with one group in the kitchen talking about BJs and the other group in the living room talking about diet/nutrition/exercise. I did my hostess duty and went back and forth but the kitchen people were getting it. a lot of times i try not to mix them because my poor little “UM” friends often have that deer in the headlight look when I get the groups together. lol.
DuShawn
February 11th, 2013
4:55 pm
disco – I only have one group of friends. They are all hood at heart. You can’t tell the ones with GED’s from the ones with PHD’s. When we’re together no one cares what you got.
disco
February 11th, 2013
5:04 pm
dushawn –I always feel like I’m “passing” in those UM circles. that stuff just isn’t my true comfort zone. I was having breakfast with this guy over the weekend. we hadn’t seen each other in a while and he asked how things were going. I mentioned that I personally knew 3 people who’ve been killed since xmas and one who they tried to kill but is still holding on. dude looked at me like “who are your people, who do you know, should I be worried”. it was funny.
Dirty Bird (Rise-up)
February 11th, 2013
9:11 pm
Note to self…Disco…likes to get down and dirty hood style.
Not to self…BluzGirl willl give you a fake phone number and name…