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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Dating: The Persistent Ex

Before Lena Dunham scored two Golden Globes for her HBO Show Girls, I had an opportunity to watch a sneak peek of season 2. My good friends at Yelp Atlanta invited me to the private screening/party at King Plow Arts Center. After a minor glitch that brought out some of Atlanta’s hottest firemen (I counted at least 4 that qualified for some kind of hot fireman calendar) the fun and sexy Yelp Atlanta Elite crew settled in to watch the first two episodes of GIRLS.

I was thrilled to see Stone Mountain’s own Donald Glover guest starring this season. He added an…interesting dynamic to the show. His character was faced with a common problem single men go through all the time: dating someone who has a persistent ex boyfriend.

Have you ever started seeing someone new but quickly learned there was a third person still lingering around in the most unwanted threesome scenario? Yeah, that’s not fun..or sexy. The persistent ex is there for a reason, though. Either they can’t let go, your date can’t let go..or all both..the trifecta.

What do you do when the ex is still around your new relationship? Would you handle things differently if it was your ex that was the persistent one?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

113 comments Add your comment

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 14th, 2013
9:11 am

Wow, no one has anything to say huh? Rain gotcha tongues?

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
9:13 am

Gooooooooooooood morning! Am I the only one here?

On topic: I’ve had two exes that sort of “hung around.” One being the kid’s dad and the other Mr. Kyrptonite.

The kid’s dad was just a plain ole nightmare….lol I’ve told the many many stories of our adventures so no need to deep dive this one. I will say though, when I started dating the stockbroker, that was the one time he showed his behind. We were having a weiner roast for my kid, the stockbroker had been invited as well as all the kids on the block and lookie lookie, who shows up….UNANNOUNCED??!! The kid’s dad. Yep, it wasn’t me it was my sister that HAD THE TALK with him (cause it was at her house). Even now, my kid told me he called her :shock: as recent as last month, saying crap like “I should have stayed with your mama….blah blah blah…called her phone. Now, you KNOW I wanted to call and blast him and to tell him don’t burden her with his BS, but being that I’ve grown over the years, I told her for all you don’t want to hear, give him the dial tone. I decided to coach her rather than blast his trifling behind. Dude is married :shock:
Anyhoo, it took him til my kid was about seven or so to beat him off my ankles….lol Was that mean??

The next was Mr. Kryptonite, of which I’ve mentioned as well so again, no deep dive stuff this morning…lol He though was one I didn’t want to let go and he hung on over a period of about two years. Not everyday but calls here and there, showing up unexpectedly…so forth and so on. I soooooooo wanted to go back, but once we agree to the expectations going in and you (or me for that matter) default and we enter into that area called dealbreaking, I’m not going back. Like I said before, I doubted myself a looooong time after that one, but I pushed forward and finally moved on. Took me a minute to get over him and shake that whole thing.

Off topic: Why do I have three emails from the cute IT guy that worked for my group a few years back??? I saw him right when I was getting on the road to Savannah for Thanksgiving. I knew it was coming cause I know him. I initally didn’t see him as he pulled up beside me. I was sort of preoccupied and the champ said “someone in that trying is trying to get your attention.” Well, when I looked up and looked through the rearview mirror (cause I had pulled off), who did I see? Him, the cute fine IT guy. He was out of his truck and looking. I threw my hand out the window to wave….but, knowing him I KNEW it was coming. Too he just left me a message on LinkedIN. Wonder what he wants….hmmmmm

Anyhoo, I need coffee, so I’m out of here (possibly for now). Y’all have yaselves a good one!

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
9:17 am

Oh, I’m getting contacts today!!! Yaaaah. I’ve had them before but was such a chicken I could never get them in. They sat on the dresser about 3 years and I finally tossed them out. Sooo, Imma try it again. Wish me luck :mrgreen:

disco

January 14th, 2013
9:25 am

good morning slim/celisea. C – thanks for sharing stories on what may or may not be a slow blog day. I wish you the best on the contacts. I know a person should never say never but there’s a real good chance that I’ll be four-eyes for life. I can’t even imagine putting contacts in my eyes. and to think I’m a little bit vain but I guess I’m not that vain.

re exes hanging around. I’m good friends with several exes. well 3. all go back 15-20 years. spoke to one over the weekend and one on the phone this morning on my drive in. definitely nothing up but we’re just cool like that.

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
9:32 am

Hey disco – I guess you can call me vain then…lololol Shoot, I was thinking about getting some jazzy sunglasses as well…lol Might hold off on that though. My glasses are “troublesome” at this point. I have to have them on nearly all the time now.

Button

January 14th, 2013
9:39 am

Good rainy Monday morning! I don’t do the keep intouch with the esp when I’m involved. They are an ex for a reason, why keep them around and why even let your current know he/she’s still around? It causes problems going forward. I know I wouldn’t take a man serious if he’s still keeping intouch with an ex. Why even bother? It’s so unhealthy.

If my ex was the persistant one then I’d do as I’ve done in the past and not entertain his ploy. I’d let him know that I’m involved and unless it’s something I need to know it’s best to not contact me going foward. He’s had his chance.

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 14th, 2013
9:41 am

Morning Lovelies,

I see this is going to be a molasses of a day. WIGGETY WACK

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 14th, 2013
10:11 am

Off topic: I did go see that spoof movie, Haunted House, over the weekend. I went into it with very low expectations but i actually got in a few good laughs. I was pleasantly surprised. Oh and yesterday I went to play bingo for the very first time. Nope, I didn’t win anything but i’ve been bitten by the bug. I really enjoyed being amongst the other elderly folks vying for some of that $$$$ and I learned a few tricks of the trade from a veteran couple that plays all the time.

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
10:11 am

Morning all

So that’s the reason for all the firemen, making it hard for me to get home :-)

Yea I’ve been the persistent ex, AND!! But the odd thing we only become the persistent ex when we’re not needed any more!

I don’t have a problem with my ex being the persistent one because I don’t jump from relationship to relationship, I’m sure one is over before moving on to the next one.

Bluzgirl

January 14th, 2013
10:19 am

Good morning! Still trying to wake up on this dreary morning…

Anyway…I’ve only remained friends with one ex (the one who is now deceased). It was only an issue when I was in a relationship with Psycho in Seattle. The Ex didn’t care about my friendship with him…we had been broken up for about 3 years or so. I did have an issue with Ex still communicating with his ex because they broke up only a few months before he and I got together. Also, she and I literally hated each other. She’s the one I got into a fist fight with several years ago. In fact, she played a big factor in me finally breaking up with him. He couldn’t just let her go and snuck behind my back to plan to see her when she was supposed to be in town. Funny thing is that she never made it to GA. Sometimes I think if that had never happened, we may still be together (or have lasted longer). I look back and thank God that it did happen!!!

disco

January 14th, 2013
10:20 am

slim – please don’t get hooked on bingo. it can become an addiction. lol. I have some family members that are at bingo a good 3-4 nights a week. they drive to neighboring towns, they go to all night bingos, they pack lunches/snacks to take to bingo. they are serious about their bingo. I told one of my cousins that her kids are neglected because of bingo. almost every time I call they are like “she went to bingo”.

hey s/h

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
10:21 am

Here’s one for y’all. It’s going to sound outlandish, but every bit of it is true……

My sister that passed was about the only one that would give the kid’s dad the time of day after he and I parted ways. She was constantly saying to him (cause I reached a point of just not talking to him at), “if you do right by the kid, she’ll be willing to spend time or do the family thing…blah blah blah.” Okay so she passed. He didn’t have anyone to go to at that point. A couple of years after she passed he called my brother’s house….yep, called my brothers house. Not sure how he got the number, but told my SIL to ask me to call him cause his mom was dying…NO KIDDING!!!! Had my SIL all choked up and saying “call him, he sounded really upset.” Sooo, I bite the bullet and call this joker. Dude is trying to sound all contrite and broken. He’s telling me his mom is dying blah blah blah, asked me to take the kid to see her. Soooo, I go see her and I tell you, she’s about as wacky as he is. She’s got a trash container spitting every few minutes, laying on the couch. So I ask her (trying to be delicate) in a round about way about her “illness.” She says (and again, I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP), that she’s got AIDS!!! WHAT THE HECK??? So, I’m feeling all bad and stuff for her. I asked her what was the doctor telling her and this woman says she ain’t been to the doctor…..yet!!! A few years prior to meeting the kid’s dad, I found out (later) that she’d tried to commit suicide twice. As a result of that she was on a ton of head meds. Well, as a result of that, she picked up weight. All of these are small framed people mind you. Her mom about 98 pounds and her identical twin (yeah, there’s two of them…lol), about a size four, her daughter about a size 6, the kid’s dad, tall and slim….my kid a size zero. So, because they started weaning her off some of the meds, she started returning to her normal size before ingesting so much medicine for so many years. AND BECAUSE OF THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS DYING. Because of the drastic drop in weight. I was looking at her like she’d grown two heads and said, ummm you might want to see a doctor or something and GET TESTED to be sure. Anyhoo, that might have been the last time I saw her. I resolved at that point that I was too done with all of those loonies. IJS. The stunts he’s pulled over the years. If walls and streets and halls and buildings could talk. SHE’S STILL LIVING TODAY

Another time, he tried to pull that “calling around the family” trick with my brother. Needless to say, my brother put a rest to that. By the time he told him about himself and all that he could do as a man, for his kid, like the rest of the world, he didn’t try that no more.

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
10:27 am

Hey disco,

yea bingo can be addictive, My mother is addicted, to it. One thing I can say I will never do again. Not into gambling my hard earned money away.

Bluzgirl

January 14th, 2013
10:28 am

Slim – I so want to see that movie because I’m a big fan of Paranormal Activity…glad to hear you got some good laughs!

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
10:30 am

Oh…one more (I said I wasn’t gonna do it didn’t I)….

He would call my desk EVERY MONDAY! At least twice an hour and leave a message. This would go on allllll day. I would just ig him and delete his messages. I could see the number on the display. He’d say on the message “Celisea, this is so and so, call me.” Over and over and over again…EVERY MONDAY!! By Tuesday, he would start to trail off. He’d still be calling and leaving message, but by this time he would sound exhausted. And around late morning or early afternoon Tuesday, it would stop.

Come Monday, it would start all over again. That went on for a couple of years.

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
10:32 am

Now…..I’m done :)

DreamsMaterialize

January 14th, 2013
10:35 am

Morning Everyone.

If your ex keeps popping up, then I won’t be interested. I prefer you tie up your loose ends before we make a run at something. Same goes for me. If I have an ex popping up, then I’ll handle that before I try to get serious with someone.

kimmie

January 14th, 2013
10:41 am

Morning All!!

On topic – I dated ONE guy that was not over his ex and that horrible experience was enough for me, and that was early in my dating career! Since then, if I got even a whiff of some chick still hanging around, I got ghost. If a dude does not want his ex around, he would put her in check, point blank period. Most don’t seem to have a problem letting you know when they are not interested, so if she’s still “hanging around” it’s because he likes it, especially if they don’t have a kid in common. As for me and exes, that’s why I have never been a fan of keeping in touch with any of them. I am still friends with one ex and that’s only because we were actually friends before dating. We’ve always been respectful of each other’s relationships since and he lives in Texas now and been married for years. We may say hi via work email once a year or so, but that’s really it. Any of my other exes that tried to call before I married and moved got the voicemail & I never returned their calls. They knew if they tried to roll up on me unannounced at my home they may get the cops called on them. Only one dared call my cell and again, no response from me. I cut off cold turkey. Might sound hard to some, but it’s how I keep peace in my life so don’t judge. If dude was all that to me or me to him, we’d still be together.

GO FALCONS!!! YAY!!!

Robert

January 14th, 2013
10:45 am

“What do you do when the ex is still around your new relationship?”

As a Man I would simply put her to the “test”. I would invite him over for a friendly “gentleman” chat and ask him his intentions. I would embrace my woman and give her a big hug and kiss in his presence. I would ignore him. If he is a real man he will put his tail between his leggs and leave us alone. After all 3 is a crowd and I do not share my goodies with anyone.

Lady~it is what it is!

January 14th, 2013
10:48 am

good one Robert lol

disco

January 14th, 2013
10:48 am

kimmie – I often have to explain to folks that my 3 ex situation is kind of different two. 2 of the 3 were friends of the family long before I dated them and have remained friends of the family long since I stopped dating them. the third, we just never fell all the way off. still, all 3 are in different states and certainly no threat to anyone. re me dealing with guys with exes. that hasn’t been nearly as much of a problem as having to deal with men who are “dating their daughters”. I can’t stand dating a man with a daddy’s girl. uggh.

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
10:49 am

rotflmao @ Robert

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
10:52 am

I’m friends with one of my ex, we’ve even went on vacation together, I think friends with ex doesn’t always = persistent ex.

Disco I’m the same way about women dating their children also.

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
10:56 am

Here’s my thing. I’m not going to re-raise somebody’s son. You want to make an idiot out of yourself by hanging on and around all the dang time that’s you. You can lurk, hide, whatevs. Just don’t pop out or jump out of the bushes when I’m with my boo. Seriously. You’re hiding in the bushes? Stay in the bushes. That’s you and your stupidity and turns to being your issues. I’m not gonna take a bat and run you off. You’re a grown man!!! Imma call the po po though if you cross property lines and press charges and be done with it. You wanna self inflict by calling me all dang day and watching me and the new boo, that’s your stupidity….NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND MINE…lol When I say I’m done, I’m done. What you do after then is on you. As long as you don’t cross property lines and as long as you don’t touch me.

Jake-SPJTWB

January 14th, 2013
10:59 am

Rise UP!!!!!

Nothing wrong with a friendly ex-talked to one of mine yesterday. Nothing underhanded, just some hello’s. Never felt threatened by an ex either, but I am sure I would know if someome was trule “lingering”.

kimmie

January 14th, 2013
11:02 am

disco – Yeah, you have talked about your ex/friends before. Stuff sometimes just depends on a few factors – the maturity of all involved, and how you handle it. As long as your “friends” are respectful and non-intrusive of any new relationship you start there should not be any issues. Problem is, a lot of folks are not that mature. Most folks are messy and still trying to dibble and dabble.

Daddy’s girls & mama’s boys = no Kimmie

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 14th, 2013
11:14 am

disco – I’m not quite that bad yet as far as catching the bug but i’d be lying if I said I haven’t not had thoughts of granduer in being a big winner. :lol:

Bluz – They were much needed laughs so I say check out a matinee or something

MsAtl

January 14th, 2013
11:19 am

Morning All!

Celisea- Your 10:21 had me laughing. Thanks for the pick-me-up.
Robert- Good post.

The only “ex” issues I have had with my ex is him being a persistent pain. As I have told you all before, he lost his license for having an affair with a patient. Despite that HE had the affair, he still blames me for several things. Namely, he blames me for finally getting fed up with his crap and leaving him and for not taking him back. He blames me for him losing his license because I “should have kept [my] mouth shut for money” even though I am not the one who turned him in, but had to answer questions honestly when the investigator came calling. He blames me for his new wife losing custody of her kids because the court said he should not be around them. As a result of his never-ending anger, every time we have to communicate concerning our son, it ends in several half-crazy rants accusing me of everything under the sun, which is why we only communicate via email.
The worse though, was when he found out I was dating and went nasty and ballistic, even hiring a private investigator, despite having a two-month old baby with said patient. I had to block text messages from him due to receiving messages calling me everything but a child of God. I suspect that if he finds a therapist that gives it to him straight and he looks at his role in our divorce and the demise of his career, my “ex” troubles will be over.

disco

January 14th, 2013
11:20 am

kimmie – on snapped yesterday there was a chick who arranged to have her father killed. she was the typical spoiled chick whose daddy did way too much for her. guess all he did still wasn’t enough. while watching it I wanted to call a few fellas I know and tell them to watch but I resisted the urge.

Robert

January 14th, 2013
11:24 am

“What do you do when the ex is still around your new relationship?”

If my ex-wife was still around trying to “poison” my new relationship I would lock my doors and windows, clean my gun(s), find my bullets and call the police after I shoot her in the mouth for talking sh!t about how I lied and cheated on her and how no good I am. Some people deserve to be treated badly.

MsAtl

January 14th, 2013
11:26 am

Robert- That’s when words like “premeditated” get thrown around the courtroom, lol. Wow! But, I feel you.

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
11:27 am

MsATL, that’s not persistent, that’s psycho!!

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
11:27 am

MsATL – Thanks! Honey, all you can control are your own actions. Folks and the stunts they pull just have me baffled. I don’t believe in entertaning foolishness but I won’t diminish my quality of life cause some dude is stuck like chuck :shock: Nope, life goes on and Imma keep right on living :mrgreen:

MsAtl – When they go ballistic, it just means you apparently did something right before they went wrong, and by giving them the boot. Folks never miss the well until the water runs dry.

No, that mess ain’t cute but if you wanna be the dummie, knock yaself out!

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
11:28 am

Cleaning guns? Just wow….it ain’t that deep…of course IMO. Like I said, long as you keep that foolishness in your lane. No need for killing folks as like as they act crazy from across the street…lolol

Single & Happy

January 14th, 2013
11:29 am

Wow, shoot her in the mouth (SMH)

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
11:35 am

as “long” not as like

Lady~it is what it is!

January 14th, 2013
11:46 am

C hot mess~ lol #familiar

Celisea

January 14th, 2013
11:52 am

Lady – Girrrrrl, ain’t that the truth!!

Lady~it is what it is!

January 14th, 2013
11:56 am

glad it is noon & its a Falcons Winning Monday! ;)

kimmie

January 14th, 2013
12:03 pm

I have realized over the years is that alot of folks are just MESSY. And sometimes, you really don’t know how messy until you break up. Like when some get divorced, I’ve heard many say they “didn’t know she/he was so vindictive” until they went thru a divorce. Which is why there are prenups. So my policy of not really dealing with exes is my form of dating “prenup” or “postdate”. You just never know how folks are going to act.

Sometimes, it has to do with the jealousy level of others. I have an ex whose reaction to jealousy I could not gauge, but I knew he had the potential to get ugly. So when I broke it off with him, I had to “ease away” and blame it on my mental state over dealing with family illnesses and death. Truth was, I met someone else. So the less contact we had after the breakup the better, less likely for him to run into me & my new man.

There was one guy that was in the group of friends I went to college with. He never dated any of us. In fact, I kind of thought he might bat for the other team. Anyway, after graduation, he met and married a lady that came off very jealous. I ran into the 2 of them out, and she shot daggers at me with her eyes when he introduced me as a friend from college. Some of my other friends in the group said she did the same when they ran into each other. I’m not trying to wreck anyone else’s relationship! I have not seen or contacted him at all since then. He was not even an “ex”!!

MsAtl

January 14th, 2013
12:09 pm

Kimmie- Then she has insecurity issues that she needs to work on. Just don’t turn your back on her…

kimmie

January 14th, 2013
12:12 pm

Just don’t turn your back on her…

MsAtl – Yep, that’s why I don’t deal with exes or any dudes that still have exes hanging around. I don’t know what the exes might do and I prefer to live drama-free. I won’t deal with other folks insecurities. Keep that ish over there with you, leave me out of it!!

Bluzgirl

January 14th, 2013
12:43 pm

O/T…why can it be so hard to cut off a friend when they aren’t a very good friend to you? I pity this person and don’t want to hurt her feelings, but the straw has broken the camel’s back. I have not responded to her texts or phone calls. It’s time that I tell her how I feel and I’m having a hard time wording it…

Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)

January 14th, 2013
12:44 pm

What do you do when the ex is still around your new relationship?

I would give the new guy the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to solve the matter. That being said, if he didn’t handle his business and the ex got out of pocket then that means 1. He might still have feelings for her and they’re still “kicking it” or 2. She might just be certified crazy…either way I’m out. If the third or fourth persons in our relationship aren’t children then I’m not dealing with it.

Would you handle things differently if it was your ex that was the persistent one?

Nope I wouldn’t…you’re my ex for a reason and once I move on then you need to move on,too. And I make sure that fact is known. I’m not about to bring some old isht(that has absolutely NO place) into my new relationship…

Bluzgirl

January 14th, 2013
12:47 pm

Also…I just hate conflict…

kimmie

January 14th, 2013
12:50 pm

And I make sure that fact is known

Sassy – Too many don’t make it clear, I think. I can take a “hint”, but some you have to clearly spell it out, not only thru words but actions. Don’t play fuzzy, no accepting phone calls or returning texts. Like I said earlier, I go cold turkey!

Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)

January 14th, 2013
12:53 pm

why can it be so hard to cut off a friend when they aren’t a very good friend to you?

It’s not hard Bluz…it’s just hard for certain people. Just tell her how you feel. You two are grown adults and it really shouldn’t be that hard to do. Maybe you should write out what you want to say and practice it or something.

Having a candid conversation without hurting feelings shouldn’t be too difficult….and if they’re not a good friend why do you care about their feelings?

Robert

January 14th, 2013
12:54 pm

On the other hand I have a few ex-girlfriends I would love to stay in touch with. All men want to keep in touch with women who have special skills in the bedroom and have their own finances and do not mind spending their money on exotic trips and vacations. I am a ready and available travel buddy. I call these women my VIBs (very important booty). I will always find time for my VIBs.

Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)

January 14th, 2013
12:56 pm

I just hate conflict…

Okay so write a letter and be done with it…

I go cold turkey!

Kimmie chile I go so cold turkey it’s damn near icey…when I’m done,I’m done and NO I don’t want to talk to you…about ANYthing.

Bluzgirl

January 14th, 2013
12:58 pm

I have written something out and will probably write it a few times. I guess it’s hard for me because she was the best friend of my ex who passed away. I’ve been there for her ever since he died in March. I’ve been noticing more and more how self centered she is. I’ve done so much for her and what really did it for me was that I was invited to sit in with a band Fri night and the place was 3 blocks from her home, and she just didn’t feel like coming. I know that sounds petty, but that was the straw on top of other things…