Dating: The Persistent Ex
Before Lena Dunham scored two Golden Globes for her HBO Show Girls, I had an opportunity to watch a sneak peek of season 2. My good friends at Yelp Atlanta invited me to the private screening/party at King Plow Arts Center. After a minor glitch that brought out some of Atlanta’s hottest firemen (I counted at least 4 that qualified for some kind of hot fireman calendar) the fun and sexy Yelp Atlanta Elite crew settled in to watch the first two episodes of GIRLS.
I was thrilled to see Stone Mountain’s own Donald Glover guest starring this season. He added an…interesting dynamic to the show. His character was faced with a common problem single men go through all the time: dating someone who has a persistent ex boyfriend.
Have you ever started seeing someone new but quickly learned there was a third person still lingering around in the most unwanted threesome scenario? Yeah, that’s not fun..or sexy. The persistent ex is there for a reason, though. Either they can’t let go, your date can’t let go..or all both..the trifecta.
What do you do when the ex is still around your new relationship? Would you handle things differently if it was your ex that was the persistent one?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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113 comments Add your comment
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
1:01 pm
Robert – That’s okay if both of you & your exes are single and not seeing anyone seriously. Otherwise, no matter what “special skills” they might have, you have to let that go or put a ring on it. Grow up.
Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)
January 14th, 2013
1:04 pm
Otherwise, no matter what “special skills” they might have, you have to let that go or put a ring on it. Grow up.
Woomp..whoot and whoop there it is!!
Yes there were actually three different songs like that…any of you guys remember that?
SlimNu - More of me, less of you
January 14th, 2013
1:06 pm
Bluz – Did she give you a reason as to why she was not coming?
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
1:09 pm
Bluz – She’s not your man, she’s a friend of a friend. If the 2 of you are not that close, then why should her not coming bother you, even if it is close to her house? What obligation did she have to you? Sometimes you just don’t feel like doing something, heck, I’ve felt like “not participating” when it’s literally right next door! I can’t tell you how you should feel, but yeah it does sound petty and really, given the non-seriousness of your friendship, should be a non-issue. Why do you need to even address her on the state of your friendship? Every aquaintance is not going to be joined at the hip. There are some folks you just kind of deal with at arms length. Call and say hi every now and then and ease on.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:11 pm
Slim – she was having a self pity party and “just didn’t feel like going out”. Also, she was waiting to hear from her guy friend and would have gone if he had gotten back to her. I don’t know…one thing I’m holding on to is that she recently drove from Atlanta to Hiram to take a friend some pills (this friend had been estranged until a couple of months ago) and she couldn’t even come 3 blocks to do something that was important to me. I don’t know…there are several things…
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:12 pm
kimmie – No…she and I have been close friend’s ever since our mutual friend died. I’m helped clean the house out…I helped her place all the animals into homes…I helped her get into her own place. I have been like a sister to her. It wasn’t just an acquantance…
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
1:12 pm
Bluz – Did you have to pay for her to come in advance and she knew that and didn’t bother to show and you were not able to get your money back?
SlimNu - More of me, less of you
January 14th, 2013
1:15 pm
Bluz – Well, you would know better than we would but if you’re saying she was having a self-pity party, maybe she’s down and depressed right now. I’ve been like that for a few weeks now and last Saturday, it took everything I had to just get out of the bed. So I can understand that if she’s going through something. The only thing that really got me up was my damn hunger pains. I was starving and eventually by 2:00 find some get-up to go get my ass something to eat.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:18 pm
There was no cover Friday night…I offered to buy her a soda if she came (she doesn’t drink and is very poor).
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:21 pm
Slim – I do get that…it’s just that she ALWAYS is having a self pity party. She does nothing to better her position. Plus…seeing me would have helped her to feel better. When she’s having meltdowns over the phone, I get her laughing. I’ve sacrificed several times to be there for her…to listen to her talk for hours on the phone when I’m tired…it just hurt that she couldn’t sacrifice for me for something very important to me…
MsAtl
January 14th, 2013
1:25 pm
Bluz- Maybe it is time to put some space between you. It is not your responsibility to pull her out of her slump all of the time. As a friend, it is certainly okay to do that sometimes, but don’t make it your life’s work.
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
1:25 pm
Bluz – It’s kind of like when certain family/friends ask to borrow money. You know they are not going to pay you back, so in your head you need to consider it a gift. When you do for some folks, you have to do it out of the goodness of your heart and not expect anything in return. BUT, hate to keep score so if they can’t even muster a thank-you, let alone reciprocate when something is important to you, you keep that in mind.
I think we’ve all had/have some friends that are not as good to us as we are to them. Girl, I had one to flake out about coming to my wedding! You’re a kind, thoughtful person, but accept that everyone else might not be so. That’s why if you can count 1 person as a really true friend, you are lucky. Your friend had her mind clouded dealing with her dude too, so when a guy is involved, I don’t even count on certain girlfriends to come thru. Just the way it is. You know what you’re dealing with with her, so govern yourself accordingly. Some folks are just selfish and think only of themselves. She may be that way.
Now if this were a man, all bets would be off. A certain amount of dependability and loyalty is expected.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:27 pm
I think a lot of resentment towards her has been building for a while…like, she takes advantage of my friendship. I don’t want to hurt her feelings because it’s just hard for me to do that. I know that she cares about me and maybe she doesn’t realize how self centered she actually is.
I guess I should let you in on some history with us…we were very close several years ago (about 5-6 or so). She lost her job and was about to get evicted from her apt. Me, as well as this other friend she drove to Hiram for, helped her to keep her apartment for a few more months by loaning her money. We thought she’d get another job in no time. She didn’t. Well…the last $100 she borrowed from me, she promised to send me a money order for $50 and would have the other $50 in a couple of weeks. I never heard from her again. We became friends again because of Donald’s illness and then his death. We were more of acquantances while he was still alive and turned into more sister-like when he passed. She wrote me a long letter apologizing for how she disappeared on me back then. I forgave her. I never expect to get that money back. She and the Hiram friend also had a huge fight and did not speak until a few months ago. Hiram loaned her more money than I did, but not sure of the amount. Well…my “friend” has mentioned trying to pay Hiram back with money from sales of items on eBay, but has never once mentioned trying to pay me back any of the money.
So…you can see that there is a past there and it is complicated…
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
1:28 pm
I gotta run to lunch…be back soon and look forward to all of your input. Thanks for helping me with this today…
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
1:29 pm
Slim – To your 1:15, girl I have been there too. You don’t want to do anything, much less get out and be around people and try to be pleasant. Depression is a serious thing.
Bluz – If she’s going thru a depression, don’t confront her. Just give her her space.
Willie Dynamite
January 14th, 2013
1:56 pm
Afternoon all,
Topic- real easy to deal with former cause of a few personality quirks I have. I am selfish but my ego is very healthy. I may borrow you for amounted but I’m not into competing with an ex for your attention, next. I may really really like you like that but I am not bout to look foolish running behind you. Real easy to me work it out or K.I.M. Drama free.
Friends- same deal, 1-2 that I consider real friends. Everyone else there actions or inactions do not warrant a response good/bad on my part. Simple as that to me. Then again I’m basic like that so what do I know.
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
2:00 pm
Everyone else there actions or inactions do not warrant a response good/bad on my part. Simple as that to me. Then again I’m basic like that so what do I know.
Willie – You know what I know, cause that’s me too.
SlimNu - More of me, less of you
January 14th, 2013
2:17 pm
Bluz – No need in having growing resentment for someone you feel isn’t reciprocating the friendship…sounds like another episode of what i’m calling this year (The Year of Transition). Back off of her and nurture your real friendships. If you’re saying she ALWAYS has pity parties, then it’s up to her to start learning skills with dealing with life. You are not her therapist…or her knight and shining armor so just let it go.
DuShawn
January 14th, 2013
2:22 pm
I have never had a lingering Ex nor have I been one (I don’t think). Rarely have I been in a committed relationship, so I only have a few Ex’s. I have never had a woman to break up with me. I have always been the one to initiate the end. There was one exception, she was ready to leave and I already had the boxes waiting for her to pack. That was a mutual departure. Typically, even after we split, Imma still try to hit from time to time, if you allow it. Generally speaking, I believe women have more of an issue with past relationships resurfacing than men. If you leave a woman, she won’t run behind you trying to get you back. You hurt her, she’s done. On the other hand, when a woman leaves, the dude always thinks he could change her mind. Only when he sees her getting involved with someone new does it finally sink in.
Dayum….I actually lost her.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
2:23 pm
Slim – I’m with you on this being The Year of Transition. I do need to just let her go…It’s just hard for me to hurt someone’s feelings, but I need to realize that she has hurt my feelings also…Doesn’t seem like I’ve had this much problem in the past with doing away with one sided friendships. I guess it’s just different with her because of the connection to Donald. If he were still alive, we wouldn’t have gotten so “close”…
SlimNu - More of me, less of you
January 14th, 2013
2:36 pm
Bluz – Well seems like you two served the purpose of leaning on each other during a time of loss. Apparently, that season is over and now time to move into your next season. You say you don;’t want to hurt her feelings but how can you being there for her all this time come out to being hurtful? She has to learn what it means to give and recieve. Some folks in this world are givers,some are takers and some are able to put some balance in there. I too am a giver and with me being down the last few weeks or so, it had me really feeling depleted. Many of those I was giving to, I didn’t feel that they stepped in for me as I would them when i needed it most. I really can’t describe it but something snapped inside of me. And Slim has to take care of Slim in order to continue being the person I am. However, if I find things get out of balance, i’m taking steps back. Sometimes tough love is a part of loving yourself more. It isn’t easy but it is what it it needs to be, for you
disco
January 14th, 2013
2:38 pm
robert – re VIB at 12:54. a guy friend of mine who lives on the east coast was talking about a trip he was taking to the west coast. he’s a single parent father and was really looking forward to it. the trip came and went, he talked about it, talked about it and then last week let it slip that he went out there to see an ex and she paid for the trip. I was like ???? I don’t care that he went to see an ex. I was tripping that she paid for it. chicks like that mess it up for all of us women that ain’t going out like that. lol.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
2:42 pm
Thank you Slim. I am very much a giver and a people pleaser. I’ve got to get “man up” and just deal with the situation. Let her know that I’m over her (in a nice way, of course). Maybe just some time away and me calling her out will wake her up. BUT…it’s not my problem if she doesn’t wake up…
Robert
January 14th, 2013
2:43 pm
@Disco – Some women will go the extra mile to experience the passion and desire they crave. Money is a tool to use to get what you want, not keep in a bank. Enjoy life and live each day one at a time.
disco
January 14th, 2013
2:45 pm
bluz – you are just too danged sensitive.
kimmie – I lent/gave a friend a significant amount of money back last summer. in 20 years of friendship it’s the first time a money exchange ever came up outside of regular I get this drink, you get that one type stuff. anyway I spoke with her over the weekend and she made the first mention of my loan/gift since I gave it to her. I figured if I was to ever hear back it would be at tax time. lol. anyway, she insists she hasn’t forgotten me and will get my money to me soon. I’m still not banking on it but if I get it will treat it like found money.
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
2:47 pm
disco – I know I’m too danged sensitive sometimes!
Like my brother said last night…”why is it easy to set boundaries with me and say whatever you want to me, but you can’t do that with her, someone who is unhealthy for you to be involved with.”
disco
January 14th, 2013
2:49 pm
robert – I’ll go the extra mile for some passion but I’m not paying for it. bump that. now, I might invest in a new outfit, new ling-er-ee or something but buying a brother a plane ticket (I don’t care if it’s southwest $69 each way). I ain’t going out like that. dude wanna get to me he needs to find a way to get to me.
Robert
January 14th, 2013
2:53 pm
@Kimmie – In order for any relationship to continue the woman must agree to participate. She has to instigate the terms of engagement. Men will do what a woman allows them to do. Some women prefer a Man who will challange them mentally and satisfy them sexual regardless of pre-marital status (ring or no ring). Everybody wants what they want and need to sustain their lifestyles. I love strong, independent, financially secure women as my sex partners. We have a great time and get along very well. I look forward to my escapades with my VIBs.
DuShawn
January 14th, 2013
2:53 pm
“I was tripping that she paid for it. chicks like that mess it up for all of us women” – @ Disco- ain’t nothin wrong with a woman buying the things that she enjoys. Furthermore, it does not deminish a dude’s manhood to accept those gifts. As long as no one is getting taken advantage of, an even swap is no swindle. It ain’t trickin if you got it.
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
2:55 pm
disco – At least she was decent enough about it to bring it up. Thing is, you should keep your “credit” up with loved ones just as you would a business. You never know when you might need to turn to them for help again. With some, even though I know I won’t get my money back, I won’t have to “loan” to them again either!LOL!
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
2:59 pm
Robert – I was responding to your post in the context of the topic and my opinion still stands. Just as long as everyone is enjoying themselves with respect to others and it’s all good to me! Keeping someone around for their “skills” and whatever else they might offer is fine until someone else is unwillingly added to the mix. But hey, do you!
disco
January 14th, 2013
3:01 pm
D – yep. uhn huh. I agree. thing is I know way too many women that are doing way too much for men. i don’t know if that condition is contagious or not but I have to put it out in the universe that I’m not trying to go out like that. I’ve been hardpressed for the D before but I haven’t gotten low enough to sponsor it.
kimmie – yeah, I was proud of her for bringing it up. I had already written it off in my mind though I don’t deny that I was anxious to see if she brought it up at tax time. yeah. my girl is one of those tax time types. broke all year but balling at tax time.
Robert
January 14th, 2013
3:10 pm
@kimmie – “I cut off cold turkey.”
That sounds like you are trying to quit smoking cigarettes. If I was your Man I would make you an “addict” to my passion and desire. Let me take a business trip for about 2 weeks and watch you try to go “cold turkey”. You will be happy I came back to feed your addiction to love.
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
3:16 pm
Robert – LOL!!!
Cold turkey often the best way to go to give up an addiction! And in my experience, it’s really the guy that’s going cold turkey by not being able to contact me anymore, not the other way around. I just don’t play that backtracking mess. You are not coming around and ruining my good thing, blocking my blessings, naw bruh.
Now if you are my hubs, well that’s one addiction I don’t want to get over!
DuShawn
January 14th, 2013
3:16 pm
-Disco- your perception of being a diznic sponsor is warped. You look at it as degrading or a woman must be “hardpressed” to spend bread to get some. You should embrace the role of “Sugar Momma”.
It should be viewed as a position of empowerment. Your strength and bread have turned that man into your persoanl Ho. Send him a ticket or text him the room number, and he will be there ready to serve on command. Money is power. “Try it out!”
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
3:19 pm
I know way too many women that are doing way too much for men.
disco – Sadly, I know too many like this as well. And they wonder why things are not working out for them.
abc
January 14th, 2013
3:21 pm
2nd try. The blog filter is a pain. Nah, not worth re-typing.
disco
January 14th, 2013
3:23 pm
dushawn – I had to read that all the way through to get the joke. man you funny. sugar momma. ha ha. you could take that on the road. lol. btw, I can’t imagine there is a man in the world who’s self esteem is so low as to allow me to be the sugar momma. shoot, I’m too demanding in general. I’d hate to see what kind of monster I’d turn into if I was paying a brother.
Single & Happy
January 14th, 2013
3:24 pm
Kimmie, disco, would it be okay if the man is doing way too much for a woman?
DreamsMaterialize
January 14th, 2013
3:25 pm
I know way too many women that are doing way too much for men.
disco This is a matter of opinion. Those women may feel they’re doing as much as they should be doing. Some might feel they aren’t doing enough. On the other hand, you might be exactly right about those women. lol Hey, what you can you say though.
Single & Happy
January 14th, 2013
3:25 pm
Disco, would you like to place a bet on that?? If you seek you shall find!!
abc
January 14th, 2013
3:26 pm
and then the blog crashes in my browser. What a load! Harumph!
DuShawn
January 14th, 2013
3:28 pm
On another note, Are you all hip to this chick Cadillac Kimberely. This girl is blood raw. I have become a fan.
disco
January 14th, 2013
3:29 pm
dreams – to the women I don’t know. I don’t say anything. to the ones I know up close and personal I tell them exactly what I think. that they are some stupid tricks. yep. sure will. one chick giving a dude the money she’d been saving all summer to take her daughter back to school shopping. that’s just stupid. now school is starting and your baby ain’t got no school clothes and you ain’t got no money and the man you gave the money to has already moved on. that ain’t right. a chick walking around with black eyes and busted lips but buying the guy who bruised her up flat screen tvs and game consoles and keeping him geared up fresh to death because buying him things makes him happy and making him happy makes her happy. she might be happy but she’s a stupid trick. I could go on.
Exile
January 14th, 2013
3:33 pm
Disco..u have subdued apetite for D anyway, so no women should take your statement as standard womens practice….re:D sponsoring.
Most women in luv or with a good relationship with a man(not even in luv like that) find no problem with D sponsoring..even better if they are superior financially….
What do you think of Oprah and Steadman’s relationship? They comouflage that relationship well..its Oprah….but on our level,thats comparable to a D sponsorship..no doubt.
Embrace ur power Disco…
What else uall talking about?
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
3:33 pm
Kimmie, disco, would it be okay if the man is doing way too much for a woman?
Single – No it would not be okay. Men can & do get played as well. But it’s not the natural order of things for a woman to chase a man. Yeah I know that might be old school & a “strong, independant woman” should probably not be thinking that way, but that’s how I see things playing out more often than not.
Exile
January 14th, 2013
3:36 pm
I dont want to hear any woman say Steadman is in luv..
Like Disco says,’bump that!” lol
Bluzgirl
January 14th, 2013
3:44 pm
Good news…Bluzgirl is getting laid tonight! Woot Woot!!!
Exile
January 14th, 2013
3:46 pm
Bluz….u got a new boyfriend or its just a random puddy snatcher?
kimmie
January 14th, 2013
3:48 pm
Bluz – Is it Magnum?