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Dating: Have a bad reputation?

I was hanging out solo at RuSan’s eating sushi when a group of gentleman sat at the next booth. I noticed one of the guys as a former coworker, Eric. We spent a few minutes catching up… and semi-flirting.

I couldn’t resist. Eric is extra, extra fine but he is also a well-known “playa” who has acquired quite a bad reputation as a heart breaker. Eric asked me to introduce him to one of my single friends. He could tell by the look of horror on my face that I was apprehensive. Why would I knowingly set up my girls for failure and disappointment?

Eric claimed that he is older and handles his dating relationships with more maturity. That’s great to hear, but what about all the grimy, no good, shady things he did in Atlanta alone!?

Trust me – Atlanta is not that big – people talk, ladies talk – and eventually your reputation precedes you. Not in the good way. If you have committed past romantic crimes, you have to understand when folks won’t take you seriously. Is that fair? Maybe not.

Have you ever had to do damage control for your bad reputation? Do you think it is good to call people up and apologize? Is there anything you can do to redeem yourself?

What would you do if you found out that the person you are dating has a really dreadful dating reputation? Would you treat them differently? Proceed with caution? Dump them to avoid being the next victim? What if they told you they had changed? Would you believe them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

289 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
6:56 am

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
7:01 am

The past is the past, I would treat them like I would treat anyone else in any relationship, BELIEVE 1/2 OF WHAT I SEE, AND KNOWN OF WHAT I HEAR for the first 6 months, to a year. That’s when the REPRESENTATIVE leaves and the real person shows up.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
7:38 am

Heeeey what happened to my post?

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
7:41 am

Never mind….it’s too long to repost…lol

I was saying basically that if you’re a playa, no not dealing with that…..especially if I “heard” about you. Now, if I never catch or get wind of your “reformed” ways, then I dunno, you may have shot…lol Me though? I just believe playa don’t reform. I believe it is what it is and most playas ain’t looking to reform. Too, REAL playas don’t hide, run or change…IMO That’s those cats that can market what they’re selling and get a buyer every single time.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
7:42 am

My boo ain’t a playa :mrgreen: He’s one of those rare “good cats!”

Alright, I’m out of here. :)

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
7:44 am

One more…now if you were slick, lying, scheming and hiding, nuh uh. Not gonna tango with that. You ain’t a playa (cause again they’re who they are). Yep folks can change but IJS. I believe when people show you who they are….RUN!!!

Have yaselves a good one!

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 9th, 2013
8:09 am

This thing must be broke…

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 9th, 2013
8:11 am

No i’ve never had to do damage control based on what the streets said about my dating history. If you want to call loving hard and wearing my heart on my sleeve for those that are close to me, then that’s about it.

If I found out someone had a bad rep, I would continue to be cautious as I try to be in any other normal dating situation.

halo46

January 9th, 2013
8:20 am

I agree with Slim. I would be cautious, like all my dating situations. IMO, even a ‘playa’ can change if he finds the woman that he feels completes him. In may take a little longer than most, but bad boys can get whipped also if the right woman comes along.

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
8:30 am

The blog is eating long post this morning!

the thing to remember about what people say about others is, if you believe everything about others, then every thing they say about you must be true also! Because if they will lie about you the will lie about other also.

halo46

January 9th, 2013
8:36 am

Single, good point!

Button

January 9th, 2013
9:04 am

yeah what Single said

Button

January 9th, 2013
9:52 am

the blog is hungry

MsAtl

January 9th, 2013
9:55 am

Ate 3 comments. Nevermind. God morning.

hazel

January 9th, 2013
10:08 am

I would be reluctant for sure and would even consider breaking up. When you get to a certain age, ( men or women) you just don’t have time to take a chance. Especially when you are looking for something serious.

hazel

January 9th, 2013
10:10 am

I am reading some comments and “He/She may change” is being repeated a lot. But again, does one have time for that? Do you have time for that? He may NOT change too.. so unless you have other things that weight out this factor, I say you stop while you are ahead.

abc

January 9th, 2013
10:11 am

Ate my comment, too.

abc

January 9th, 2013
10:12 am

Hm. Apparently the blog doesn’t want opinions on the topic, just chit-chat. Well then, nice day if it don’t rain.

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
10:17 am

Morning!

A friend has been seeking me out, but I know too much about him. His disrespect for other people’s time, his inability to follow up on just about anything, and how over the years he’s been a man-ho has me not even considering him as a possible mate. No can do. He has shown me his HIV card claiming he’s free of disease, but for me, he’s nasty because he has tapped into just about everyone in Atlanta. I say this because we used to talk all the time about this conquests over the years. Who he used, what he gained, the slashing of tires, rocks thrown at his house, cars keyed, etc. You name it, he went through it. Well, he’s not going to go through me.

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
10:21 am

hazel ~ I agree.

abc

January 9th, 2013
10:22 am

People deserve their rep, by and large. They should live the consequences of actions and inactions.

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
10:25 am

Exactly, abc.

abc

January 9th, 2013
10:26 am

If they want to change their bad rep, they can do so over time through their actions and inactions, I figure.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
10:28 am

Diva, I hope you don’t mind but I ahem, “borrowed” a few sayings from your good friends over at VSB, that I thought fit perfectly well in supporting thoughts surrounding today’s post. I just found it to be on point today…

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You have to take folks as they are and be proud of them for making changes in the positive direction. Or roll out.

and

Real change is personal, not just to keep a woman

and

Anyway, once you realize that what somebody has always done is likely to be what they will always do short of some life-altering realizations, you learn that the ball is in your own court…………………………… He is who he is, either shut up about it or vote with your feet and leave him.

and

Granted, as grown ups we all learn that compromise is the name of the game and some of us take longer to get to that point than others do – and I’m mostly talking about men – but compromise is an outcome, I do think that you have to take folks as they are if you chose to enter into cahoots with them. Of course, that’s not for the large scale problems like infidelity or pathological lying, but if you stay with folks at that point, then while it isn’t your fault if they cheat, it is your fault for staying with them knowing that they might.
Chuuch.

yeah, I copied “chuuch” as well….cause it was so dang on point!!

Just wanted to share another’s perspective on the same topic…sort of

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
10:35 am

My one last post for today….

I was really really good friends with a dude that was pretty much no holds barred…THE ENTIRE FRIENDSHIP. I was cool though with him cause we were really good friends and I didn’t pass judgement on his behavior, but we had it like that. He could tell me about myself and I could tell him…with no offense. Disagreements yes, falling out and becoming offended, never.

Thing is though, when he started “digging” me, that was a no can do. The stuff he told me was etched in my brain. Had he not told me so much, I might have been able to do the dang thing. But knowing what I knew and knowing too much is what prevented me. I told him, man please all the stuff you’ve told me? Heck naw! He tried to convince me otherwise but nuh uh, no way can you “unhear” or “unsee” what you’ve heard or been privy to.

hazel

January 9th, 2013
10:37 am

leggs – isn’t it funny how guys think that its ok to be that way and even have the nerves to turn around and try the moves on you? I have seen guys do this. Good for you to give him the hand.
It pays off in the end to be picky and not compromise with certain things. Period

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
10:52 am

Celisea ~ your first paragraph is exactly what I was saying. When you know, you know. Why sign up for something you already know how the ending will turn out!

hazel ~ like you said earlier, the older you get, why compromise for the betterment of someone else. The betterment should be self.

In the beginning of the Aids epidemic, I had a beautiful girlfriend who had her isht together, mentally, physically and I thought emotionally. You never know what a person’s life is really like while you’re looking in. She was smart, very smart, but she was lonely. She met this man who rocked her world (her words). She talked about him non-stop. They fell in love. Within a year, she became sick. She found out he had Aids, but never told her. When the doctor told her she too had the disease, naturally her world fell about. She died within 2 years, leaving a young daughter behind. She believed this man because she loved him, and he helped erase her loneliness. He denied many things she asked him and decided to take his word until she herself became sick. There was no turning back. What I learned from that time is just because you’re lonely, that is no reason to ignore things your gut is telling you. She spoke many times on something wasn’t right, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She enjoyed herself when they were together. Your gut rarely lies….

He died shortly after her!

abc

January 9th, 2013
10:55 am

At the same time, women themselves create a frictionless market that allows, if not encourages, some men to be that way. If they’d be less forthcoming, if they held onto the goods and didn’t all but throw themselves at a man — making it REALLY easy for a guy to hit it, ergo ‘frictionless market’ — then they’d be more highly valued, and much less likely to get used by a player.

The converse is also true: women don’t really put a very high value on mandingo when most chicks can just go pick up some random dude and bam boom. It’s too easy, too frictionless.

I think frictionless is bad. Consider if you’re a collector, been collecting whatever it is for years — the biggest part of the fun is in the discovery, the search, the find you came across. Now there’s eBay, and all you have to do is type in a search term. It takes the fun out of being a collector, because the joy isn’t in the having, it’s in the acquisition process. So it is with romance. For sure, don’t post yourself on eBay (read: online dating is for losers) — you’ll miss out on the opportunity of the really special find that you’ll come across in the course of doing something else.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
11:00 am

Leggs – Yup, exactly. I hear what folks say and can respect folks doing what’s best for them. It’s neither here nor there cause it’s your (not you) life. Some call it judging, but I live my life for me sans what anyone thinks about me or about it. If a dude shows me nothing but bad, bad habits, bad rep, ummm what can I do with that? You show me who you are, I’m getting out of dodge. Believe that. And if a “playa” or dude that runs around or a dude ratchet EVER expects the time of day from me, he’s gonna gonna have to do double the efforts for me to believe otherwise…lol IJS. Even then, I won’t likely believe it’s sincere…lol It’s a lose lose for a dude, if he shows me anything less than standup. I can be cool with you but that’s all it wille ever be.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
11:02 am

Leggs – I borrowed that from VSB…hope Diva don’t mind…lolololol

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
11:09 am

Celisea ~ was referring to your first paragraph @ 10:35

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
11:21 am

What is up with this thing today? it’s ate 4 of my post, I must not have anything to say

Lady~smirk!

January 9th, 2013
11:24 am

C loving your posts chica!!!!!!! Happy New Year MIA!!!!!

Into the Light

January 9th, 2013
11:25 am

Morning, all!

Where is everybody!?!??!!??

abc

January 9th, 2013
11:27 am

I think it may not accept a post that includes the word r-e-p-u-t-a-t-i-o-n

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
11:28 am

Lady – Hey there…thanks hon! I’m just using a bit of “free time” this morning. I’m resolved this year to not spend as much time here and more time working, rather than blogging then cramming or blogging then finishing up at home.

It’s a new day and a new year!!

Into the Light

January 9th, 2013
11:29 am

abc – I remember Swiss saying that it tags the “p-u-t-a” portion. Really, AJC???? I can say weinie but not rep-u-tation??????

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
11:34 am

So is there a difference between what you know as facts as opposed to rep?

Leggs when you and diva speak of your friends, these are things you know first hand, which is a semaphore flag! But when you’re going by someones rep, it’s just hearsay.

Here eat this

Lady~smirk!

January 9th, 2013
11:34 am

You I feel ya. I chime in and KIM gracefully. good past few days topics though. Hate I missed the “vulnerable” post Monday…….I could never get a second to chime in lol

Exiled

January 9th, 2013
11:36 am

Into the Light

January 9th, 2013
11:36 am

@Leggs: Are you feeling any better?

Into the Light

January 9th, 2013
11:37 am

Oh, and Stamps, congrats on the NC.

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
11:39 am

Lady – Good deal and meeee too :)

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
11:39 am

Single ~ you’re right.

Also, along with “p-u-t-a” part of a word, it will also eat a post with “c-u-l-o-s” in a word.

Lady~smirk!

January 9th, 2013
11:40 am

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
11:41 am

Thanks ITL, now it’s time to work on the next one :-D

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
11:41 am

Buy Diva was able to use the word r e p u t a t i o n in her subject. Guess the topic page has nothing to do with actual postings.

Single and Happy ROLL TIDE #1

January 9th, 2013
11:43 am

how about reput@tion :

Leggs

January 9th, 2013
11:45 am

ITL ~ today is the best I’ve felt since Friday. Still racking cough, but no fever and I’ve kept my soup down this morning. Even slept through the night…all good signs because night time is the worst time (is that a song??)

Celisea

January 9th, 2013
11:50 am

Many many prayers to the family that lost their four little ones. Four more angels got their wings today