Having doubts?
Sometimes a new year bring can bring a new perspective about your relationship status. The time and effort that you have invested in someone helps you to figure out if you are compatible. What happens when you feel that isn’t happening, though? What do you do if you are having doubts about the person you are dating?
Should you bring it up to see if the other person is feeling the same way? Do you wait it out and hope that your doubts are unfounded?
I believe there are times that we overlook our doubts because we get all distracted. Typical things like attention, sex, and money can cause one to disregard doubts. Have you ever ignored your doubts and ended up regretting it later?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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148 comments Add your comment
disco
January 3rd, 2013
11:37 am
kimmie – I can see that mentality/perspective being a mind game. especially when guys use it since they are banking on women being emotional beings. for me though, it’s not game. I was just raised to be responsible for my own feelings so I expect other people to be responsible for theirs. a chick accused me of hurting her feelings about a year or so ago with something I said to her. my response was a cut and dry grow the eff up. respect the truth. what I said was either the truth or a lie. deal with it and quit whining about your daggone feelings. that irks me right up there with tears. no coincidence the two often go hand in hand. lol.
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
11:53 am
Disco – I can’t stand whiners either. I am teaching my girly-girl daughter to not be whiny and play that helpless female role. That’s why alot of women have trouble getting respect in the workplace and then they put all women in that category, like some men do with women in relationships. Thinking we are all overly emotional.
Having said that, a slip of the lip can sink a ship. I don’t believe in being crude, tactless and just saying the first thing that comes to mind, even if it is the truth. Once it’s out there, it can’t be taken back. I would almost rather a person outwardly shows that I’ve hurt them with something I’ve said. When they don’t say anthing or you see the hurt in the eyes of someone you love or you find out later how much it affected them, it’s not worth it to me.
SlimNu - More of me, less of you
January 3rd, 2013
12:00 pm
Are we equating having discussions about issues/concerns in a relationship, with being “over-emotional, damsel in distress whiners”??
disco
January 3rd, 2013
12:01 pm
kimmie – well the chick I hurt wasn’t a loved one. she was nothing to me. a mouthpiece who could dish it but couldn’t take it. to heck with her and her punk azz feelings. lol.
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
12:05 pm
disco – Oh, one of those! Carry on, then! LOL!!
Slim – The dudes equated the two, you know they always go there!
disco
January 3rd, 2013
12:11 pm
kimmie – yep. carry on I would. I don’t mind calling somebody out. too many folks walking around unchecked. that’s what’s wrong with the world today. okay. I’m being silly.
disco
January 3rd, 2013
12:21 pm
kimmie – I just had a whole flashback in my mind re that situation. grown woman not just with hurt feelings but a grown woman with hurt feelings running around telling folks I hurt her feelings. really? please grow up. someone had the nerve to ask me to apologize to her. I’m like gtfoh. I wish I would. she ended up coming to me crying, snotting and apologizing to me.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
12:25 pm
Gotcha, Single!
kimmie ~ wish more would be old school. I know I am….you can’t pursue a man that doesn’t appear to be pursuing you. Yet women do it all day, everyday! Sorry to bring this up as an example, but take Kenya Moore (RHOA), that’s one thirsty woman who is having a conversation with herself although her supposedly boyfriend is sitting beside her. She keeps saying “we discussed this, or that” when in actuality she’s discussing what she wants and he’s looking at her like she’s a distressed signal.
Celisea....renewed and rejuvenated
January 3rd, 2013
12:29 pm
I’m not hanging on or around any one I have doubts about. If I have doubts, I’m talking…period, point blank. I’m not asking “can we talk”, we’re gonna talk. Once I lay whatever my issues are on the table, either we address or we walk away. I though, am not going to play games. I’m not bringing up anything petty, so if I have an issue it’s legit. And if you have issues, doubts or concerns about me and my role or places where you feel there’s slack on my part, I’ll give the same amount of attention and respect in hearing you out. All this other talk on trying to validate whether it’s a real issues or not, blah blah blah, I’m not hearing that. If there’s a cause or concern, then (in my world) it’s real and vice versa for you. So, we talk. Get it out there, address and hopefully move on.
I’m responsible for my feelings and you for yours. It’s enough trying to relate and maintain (speaking in general), I’m certainly not going to take on making sure I carry your feelings. Naw, you carry yours and I’ll carry mine. If you’re doing things that may hurt my feelings, I’ll speak up. If it’s not worth it for you to fix (and again vice versa), well I would be a dummy and a glutton to hang around for that. Again, we talk about and work to resolve. If we can’t, I’m not gonna keep saying to you, “you’re upsetting me” or “you’re hurting my feelings”…..ah, yeah you ought to with some petty adolescent BS like that…IJS I take my ball and go home
No shame in showing my back as I step through the door. The only shame is tolerating.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
12:32 pm
Post 100% on point, Celisea!
Celisea....renewed and rejuvenated
January 3rd, 2013
12:33 pm
Leggs – Thanks
Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)
January 3rd, 2013
12:37 pm
you can’t pursue a man that doesn’t appear to be pursuing you.
Sure can’t…and won’t either
abc
January 3rd, 2013
12:50 pm
Consider it like this, Bluz: my girl cheats, hits it with some other guy. She’s responsible for her own actions. She is not responsible for my reactions, though. If I have hurt feelings, those are mine, not hers; if I cut her loose on account of it, my call, not hers; if I harbor resentment it about it, that’s all on me, not on her. I have the choice on my own whether to not concern myself with the actions or inactions of someone; I will (or should) have learned that I’ve misplaced my trust, and move on the wiser.
Suppose she raided my bank account, sold my car, emptied out the house and moved in with the pastor. Same deal: she owns what she did, but I own how I feel, not her. Be responsible for yourself, not reliant upon others to foot the credit or the blame.
Celisea....renewed and rejuvenated
January 3rd, 2013
12:51 pm
I will say this and get on back to work….
Kenya is trashy…IMO. She’s that chick that’s made me feel more empathy for men than I’ve felt my lifetime…lololol. Laying heavily on “wanting to get married.” If that dude ain’t feeling mariage, he should be man enough to tell her, in plain english. She’s delusional and apparently most of the stuff she hears, is lost in translation. To boot, she’s bugging that dude to death about marriage but in front of him, disrespecfully shaking her tail and flirting with other folks’ husbands. Call me an alleybat cause Idda beat the breaks off of her, if it were me she asked (like she did another wife) if I could give two best friends to my man, who would it be???? Heck naw!! And for shaking her tail on the other chicks hub’s groin area? Three words….SIX FEET UNDER…IJS Somebody needs to tell her, “ummm, we don’t play like that.”
The hubs that didn’t “move out of the way” when she was shaking her tail and the hubs that grab her by the butt (literally) and tossed her in the pool would have some SERIOUS “splaining” to do.
I’on play with women that bring that kind of foolishness.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
12:59 pm
She’s delusional and apparently most of the stuff she hears, is lost in translation. – Bottom line!!! With her rubbing on the groin of that man simply illustrated that her and Walter are not dating. Two ways a woman in her right mind would blatantly disrespect their mate is (1) she no longer considers him her mate or (2) she sees him as a “wuss/punk” not fearing a beat down!!!
Celisea....renewed and rejuvenated
January 3rd, 2013
1:03 pm
And equally, I’on play with dudes that tolerate that kind of foolishess!!
Y’all have yourselves a good one
Bluzgirl
January 3rd, 2013
1:17 pm
abc – If I do something purposefully to hurt you, then I take responsibility for how I made you feel. Yes…you choose how you want to react or feel, but I made you feel that way. I cheated on you, so it is my fault that you are hurt…
abc
January 3rd, 2013
1:26 pm
Nope, not so much. My feelings are my problem. Now, you’d probably not get the time of day from me after that, but that’s on me, too. The only alternative is to give other people, likely ones that don’t give a flip about you really, control of your feelings, and control over you and your life. If someone wants to assign that to me, not my problem, it’s theirs, and vice-versa.
So, victim of others, are you? Hm.
Bluzgirl
January 3rd, 2013
1:29 pm
I guess we’ll just agree to disagree…I don’t get how you cannot be held responsible for making someone feel like isht…
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
1:39 pm
Bluz, I suppose it goes along with the argument of “free will.” You don’t have to act a fool if you don’t want to, no matter how much isht is thrown in your face!” I’m with you, agree to disagree.
abc
January 3rd, 2013
1:41 pm
Whether they feel good or bad is their own choice. I don’t have a guilt complex, I don’t try to impose one on others, I don’t let anyone impose that upon me, and I take responsibility for the way I feel — I choose to feel fine. I am ALWAYS fine. If the waters get choppy, my boat is still smooth sailing. Granted, I had to learn to be that way when I was young.
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
1:42 pm
I think Kenya is ‘acting’ and if so,she is acting good..same as the supposed boyfriend.
But I I agree with Leggs on the point about her acting or not.
Such women are just pityful!
@Celisea..I agree too on ur observation
The problem tho for most women is that men bottle up or keep their emotions in check so much so that a woman that ‘likes’ to hear validation is left in limbo…no wonder the ‘let’s talk’ talk.
A man can be doing Everything right but as long as he does not verbalize his emotions often,even the mundane,’ I luv u’,most women develop angst.
And that angst,from a female standpoint maybe valid.
Coz a man can be doing All the necessary ‘obligations’ for his girl but may not marriage. He won’t mouth nothing.
And if u are continuing to give him that ’sexual narcotic’, some men are content with that.
And he continues footing the ‘obligations’
But emotionally she is kept in abeyance.
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
1:43 pm
may not want marriage
disco
January 3rd, 2013
2:22 pm
abc – even though folks have already agreed to disagree I’m on your side with that one.
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
2:30 pm
Leggs – Did you hear any of the Bert Show this morning? Jeff was talking about his frustration with “dating” if that’s what he calls it. He said since he went thru the divorce last year and is training for the marathon, he does not want to pursue a relationship or really date anyone regularly. But of course, he does want sex from time to time. He said he invites women to “hang out” and tells them up front he is not looking to date right now. He says they seem to not hear him and get disappointed when he does not call or ask them out again even though they both seem to have a good time. All the women he described seem like nice women, but of course they are not giving up the sex either. Bert said many men are just like him – say they are not looking to date until they meet that “One’ that causes them to change their mind. They then make the time for that woman and all women think they will be the one to change his mind. He just couldn’t see it. The whole time I’m thinking, why go thru all that? Just find someone you can be FWB with and leave it at that!!!
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
2:33 pm
If the Waters get Choppy,my boat is still smooth sailing.
Good one abc!
Ima steal that line…damn it’s good!
Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)
January 3rd, 2013
2:33 pm
why go thru all that? Just find someone you can be FWB with and leave it at that!!!
True…that way there would be less hurt feelings. Even then it has the potential to go awry b/c someone may catch feelings but at least find someone you’re on the same page with.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
2:36 pm
kimmie ~ I heard all of that and couldn’t understand why Jeff was confused. You don’t want a steady girl, but you want sex. Get a FWB type of woman or pay for sex. One or the other. Because a woman is not going to sleep with you “knowing” you’re not interested in having a relationship. That’s why we now have a label = FWB!
DuShawn
January 3rd, 2013
2:37 pm
Ms. new booty has been in my colleague’s office all day training. He was pushed into the role and keeps looking at me like, “why don’t you show her something for awhile, I need a break”. I’m tempted to tell her to cum in my office and get on my lap……top. (as I was typing this, baby walked in and struck up a conversation, I had to minimize my screen before she saw this sh&*t…lol)
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
2:38 pm
I am ALWAYS fine. If the waters get choppy, my boat is still smooth sailing. The only way your boat is sailing smoothly is if you’re navigating a different body of water! But wait we are in Atlanta where it can rain on one side of the street. Guess that’s the same as being in a one-sided relationship!
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
2:41 pm
just find someone u can FWB with….
there is no ’spice’ there for a man,a divorced one at that.
In other news,Queen just broke to me that she got a new job promo in same company.
I think ima have to fortify my back coz the sex tonite and next few weeks is jes gon be off da meter…
I think I need some of those label enhancer pills,’hard rock’,'All niter’, ‘Pummel It’ etc
Any suggestions fellas ?
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
2:42 pm
And if u are continuing to give him that ’sexual narcotic’, some men are content with that.
And he continues footing the ‘obligations’
Exiled – Your post above describes the type of women and men we come back and discuss on the blog when we run across them. Women that wait around forever, years on end, hoping such dudes will suddenly one day have an epiphany and see what a great woman they have and come on bended knee with that ring. We dog him, but he’s only done what he’s allowed to do. Some may even throw her under the bus and say if he’s giving her everything but marriage why should she let such a “good man” go? Bottom line, I don’t care how much he keeps things “bottled up” inside, at some point he needs to put his grown man drawers on and be straight with that woman on what he wants or doesn’t want. It won’t require a long, drawn out convo, just yay or nay. Give her a chance to decide what she wants to do and DON’T get financially entangled with each other.
It’s real simple, but folks try to make it hard!!
abc
January 3rd, 2013
2:43 pm
Depends on the size of your boat, just sayin
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
2:45 pm
Cute, abc.
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
2:46 pm
Exiled – Yeah, he can go ahead and pay the price for “spice” or he can pursue the path of least resistance. Problem is, he wants his cake and eat it too.
DuShawn
January 3rd, 2013
2:48 pm
“….you’re navigating a different body of water!”I kind of agree with Leggs. It’s easy to dismiss another’s discontent if you care nothing about them, but if it makes you happy to see them happy, you will figure out a way calm those choppy waters so you both could sail smoothly.
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
2:55 pm
Du & Leggs – I agree. If you don’t care, you’re each navigating a different body of water.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
2:57 pm
You got it, DuShawn. All this spin on words reeks of selfishness. If you care, both will find a way to sail smoothly. If not, date yourself, love yourself and stand at the stern of your boat all by your dayum self (lol).
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
2:59 pm
Kimmie…even for Jeff,who I think is in his 40s,the spice will wear off after a couple of weeks..
Spice is really for younger adults.
The old cats will do with a FWB and I’m sure Jeff is going to go that route,assuming he does not want to remarry.
If mine don’t work out that’s the route I will go..maybe even keep her in-house.
There are so many women out there who pine to call a man,’my man’,living in same house,or hus regular steady, even when not married legally.
For a single, old cat,regular pudy and no encumbrance,walk in and out when the man wants,is All that one asks for!
Exiled!
January 3rd, 2013
3:01 pm
Just regular steady
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
3:03 pm
For a single, old cat,regular pudy and no encumbrance,walk in and out when the man wants,is All that one asks for! – I would tend to agree, but don’t forget to look at the woman that allows that to occur! That old cat got him some old puddy, really old!
kimmie
January 3rd, 2013
3:12 pm
just find someone u can FWB with….
there is no ’spice’ there for a man,a divorced one at that. – Exiled this is what you said first.
…even for Jeff,who I think is in his 40s,the spice will wear off after a couple of weeks..
Spice is really for younger adults. – And this is what you said next!!!
You are confusing me, Exiled!! But either way, some men never outgrow the spice! That’s why some have a hard time maintaing a monogamous relationship. Always looking for something new to provide the spice instead of making the spice with the one he’s already got. I just couldn’t understand his confusion. If any of these women he’s meeting and going out with have even an ounce of self-esteem, unless they too are looking for a FWB situation, their reaction to him should be a given.
abc
January 3rd, 2013
3:21 pm
Situations like these will almost always involve someone ending the relationship, in my opinion, either deliberately and intentionally, or due to exhibiting behavior that indicates strongly that they really don’t care about the other’s feelings — or, their own wishes supercede such concern.
Case in point: some years back I was dating a girl who was convinced that we were going to be married. This is in spite of my protesting that all we ever did was fight and argue over stuff she started. Then she’d want to talk about it to convince me that I was the big problem and I should change all that, which I was not really all that willing to discuss after awhile. So, I told her, that’s that. She’s heartbroken and it’s all my fault she’s so unhappy. I start seeing other people, that makes it worse for her and blah blah blah.
No, it wasn’t my fault she felt so bad. She wanted to talk it all over some more and I wouldn’t, she feels awful and it’s my fault? I don’t think so. I should feel some remorse because it’s over? More like I felt relief. Her reactions were absolutely not my problem. Her waters were choppy because she churned them up herself. Or maybe it was the result of my wake. Whatever, still not my problem.
Now, if she had taken responsibility for her own feelings and stopped blaming me for them, her world could have been a nice, serene place, no matter what I did or didn’t do. Rather than selfishly insisting on getting her way on her terms or else she’ll throw a fit, making herself and everyone around her miserable (her standard behavior anyway), she could have seen everything for what it was (and wasn’t) and pressed on. Either way, not my problem.
Sassy Me...Feeling like New ;-)
January 3rd, 2013
3:22 pm
If any of these women he’s meeting and going out with have even an ounce of self-esteem, unless they too are looking for a FWB situation, their reaction to him should be a given.
It definitely should be a given…he probably knows that and said what he did as a form of bait…maybe he’s trying to cast a wide net and see what he catches. Hopefully it won’t be anything he’ll have to go to the doctor for.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
3:24 pm
her world could have been a nice, serene place, no matter what I did or didn’t do. – How is that even possible? Relationships have peaks and valleys, but it’s a “relationship” because it involves more than one person. If you’re with an A-hole how is it nice and serene. It’s only that way once you remove the A-hole, but not while you’re still looking at him.
abc
January 3rd, 2013
3:25 pm
Most guys know that they can just go get laid if that’s what they want. That’s easy. By contrast, finding a woman that you actually want to commit to is like 1 in a million, very hard to find.
Leggs
January 3rd, 2013
3:25 pm
or her….
abc
January 3rd, 2013
3:27 pm
If you let the a-hole determine how you feel about yourself, it’s your problem, not his. If you project feelings upon the a-hole that aren’t really there, thus resulting in your disappointment, it’s your problem, not his. If the a-hole lies, cheats and steals and you don’t see it, he’s responsible for his behavior, but you’re responsible for how you react. Are you sad, betrayed? You made yourself that way. Are you indignant, indifferent, disconnected, moving on? These are all choices you have to make for youself.
Bluzgirl
January 3rd, 2013
3:29 pm
abc – I see your point in that case. What I’m talking about is when you intentionally hurt someone. For example, right before ex and I broke up, he went behind my back and booked a gig with his ex girlfriend (who she and I mutually hate each other). He knew how I would react to that…I was very hurt and angry. He tried to say that he couldn’t help how I felt, but he was the one that did something he shouldn’t have done. That was actually the straw that broke the camel’s back. There were much worse things he did, but tried to blame me for my feelings when he was the one who intentionally did things to hurt me…
DuShawn
January 3rd, 2013
3:29 pm
“That old cat got him some old puddy, really old!”……..not necessarily, most of my older playa potnah’s will rather waste money than time. I can remember stopping by my dog’s house and he had this fine little chick vacuuming, dusting and folding clothes. Baby had on this tight little outfit, bending over cleaning sh&*t. I told him, I’m having a hard time not staring at her. He replied, “That’s what she here for bruh, look at her.” Point being, my man had put together a situation where his friend would come thru, clean up, break him off if needed, collect her little stipend and get the hell on. As time passed, I got to know her. She wasn’t a hoe or a maid nor did she have self esteem issues. She just dug my dude and knew that was the type of situation that benefited them both. That’s exactly what older cats are looking for. They have done the marriage thing, kids are grown and gone. They are not trying to have a relationship with anyone but themselves.