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Having doubts?

Sometimes a new year bring can bring a new perspective about your relationship status. The time and effort that you have invested in someone helps you to figure out if you are compatible. What happens when you feel that isn’t happening, though? What do you do if you are having doubts about the person you are dating?

Should you bring it up to see if the other person is feeling the same way? Do you wait it out and hope that your doubts are unfounded?

I believe there are times that we overlook our doubts because we get all distracted. Typical things like attention, sex, and money can cause one to disregard doubts. Have you ever ignored your doubts and ended up regretting it later?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

148 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
6:55 am

hello All

Life is about making decision and going with the outcome whether good or bad! Life happens for me with very few regrets but relationships aren’t part those! You should be able to talk about anything in your relationship. You should never over look, but rather make up your mind if these are things you can deal with and act accordingly!

Exiled!

January 3rd, 2013
8:24 am

….because we all get distracted. Typical things like attention(??),sex and money.

I would want clarity on the attention part but well well hello……

Glad to hear that from a womans……Wise Diva at that!

Ima come back and comment but it so happen that I was sleeping and thinking of a ‘person’ and marriage and the term ’sexual narcotic’ crossed my mind…..

I be back!

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 3rd, 2013
8:46 am

Morning,

Yes I have regretted ignoring that nagging sinking feeling that screams at you, “What the heyal are you still doing here?!!!” However, I guess those things happened for a reason and I’m still living so there you have it. Work in progress and hopefully not a work in REgress ;-)

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
8:49 am

Morning!

Haven’t had much doubt since my divorce so I’m good! However, if I’m continuously walking around with a dreadful feeling because my relationship seems to be one-side, a conversation (or a few conversations) will take place. If it’s still one-sided with him not contributing much nor caring, then it’s time to take care of me sans him.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
8:55 am

hey y’all. I hate to be my stereotypical self so early in the morning but my doubts aren’t the general run of the mill doubts. I doubt myself when I calmly discuss something negative with someone and get the same janky result. I wonder if I should have just blanked from the gate. then when a new situation arises I’m torn between diplomacy and just straight acting out. it’s unfortunate but often times angry black woman yields results where sensible black woman just buys time.

Lee

January 3rd, 2013
9:17 am

Morin–looking forward to Friday.
Disco 855 am–its the same for all woman, sorry to say, why must we have to go there when talking in a soft manner should give the same results. shrugs.

Miss Moni

January 3rd, 2013
9:18 am

GOOD Morning MIA!!!

I agree with Single & Happy, “You should be able to talk about ANYTHING in your relationship.” Open and effective communication is one of the keys to a good relationship. If you find yourself hesitate about discussing your doubts or concerns with your significant other then maybe there are some other underlying issues present. Just something to think about. Personally, I have no problem addressing any doubts, I don’t bite my tongue often especially when it concerns something directly effecting me.

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 3rd, 2013
9:27 am

I’m a believer in communication but it can be very frustrating when the person you’re communicating with doesn’t understand the concept. I’ve done the sit down and talk thing with a guy before and he had no feedback whatsoever. His pov was those were all MY feelings & thoughts so how could he comment on how I felt? And for him to say anything in regards to what I said, would mean he was also owning those thoughts.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
9:32 am

re: “should be able to talk about everything”. I think that one sounds good in theory. of course people in relationships (romantic or otherwise) should be able to talk about any and everything. the problem, the way I see it, is that just about everyone is going to hold something back. maybe for selfish reasons, maybe to protect someone else’s feelings. maybe because they just have some things they plan to take to the grave. they might talk about certain topics in general but never broach them on a personal level.

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
9:37 am

SlimNu ~ that would probably drive me batty. Ok, your emotions and thoughts are indeed your own, BUT, if his actions contribute to your heartache, he needs to own some of why you’re feeling the way you are. Good grief, guys, if you don’t want to believe you in fact do dictate the emotions/actions of her heart then stop adding negative thoughts, stop ignoring the pain she’s in, and stop saying it’s all in her mind. If you’re withdrawing from her with no explanation, then you are too are at fault!

Miss Moni

January 3rd, 2013
9:43 am

Disco, I agree that people do choose to hold things back for a variety of reasons. In terms of a relationship, I would hope that if someone is doing something that hurts you or is offensive that you would let them know. Sometimes a person just doesn’t know that something they said or did rubbed you the wrong way unless you let them know.

SlimNu, I’ve been there and have heard the exact same line. I agree that your feelings are your feelings and in my case I just wanted them to be aware. If he had something to contribute fine, if not then at least he knew where I was coming from. Some men have a very difficult time discussing how they feel and that bothers me. I need a man that is able to communicate how he feels, especially when it comes to me.

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
9:52 am

And, Miss Moni, the sad part is when you bring to their attention something they may have done that you felt was wrong, they look at you like you have 3 heads and 5 eyes!

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 3rd, 2013
9:52 am

stop ignoring the pain she’s in, and stop saying it’s all in her mind. If you’re withdrawing from her with no explanation, then you are too are at fault!

Leggs – Worth repeating!

Sometimes a person just doesn’t know that something they said or did rubbed you the wrong way unless you let them know

MM – EXACTLY! I mean, I may not be able to control every little feeling that you have. BUT, if you come to me and I care about how you feel or how I affect you, then I will do what I can, within reason, to correct those things…especially if it’s something that isn’t going to hurt me to do.

DuShawn

January 3rd, 2013
10:05 am

…..”I’m a believer in communication”……..” should be able to talk about everything”……..” I need a man that is able to communicate how he feels…….” Notice the theme? What is it with women and their innate need to discuss every dayum thing? From my experience, any conversation that begins with your woman saying “We need to talk” is not going to end well.

Miss Moni

January 3rd, 2013
10:16 am

Leggs you hit the nail on the head!!!

DuShawn- Many men like to discuss things as well, for example SPORTS and ANYTHING related to sports! So how come these same men get quiet when it comes to talking to their woman? It’s a choice and overall we have to choose to communicate and if we’re not good at it, again we have to choose to do better. It’s not that difficult.

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 3rd, 2013
10:20 am

DuS – Well what’s up with men IGNORNING issues or things going on? Just because you don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean it goes away.

Lee

January 3rd, 2013
10:33 am

Doubts we all have them about many different things. Regret we all have it, but i don’t regret the people in my life or those who are no longer in it , because of them i am stronger and i hope i became wiser for it. I try not to say “what if” those are dangerous words –they hold you back.
Another long day.. ugh hurry up friday.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
10:34 am

what’s up D? I understand that a few overly chatty chicks have ruined things for all of us. the ones who – like you say – want to discuss every dayum thing. lol. personally, I’m not for all the idle chit chat anyway. yep. this coming from a bonafide mouthpiece. still, as much as I talk I hate to listen to other folks talk about nothing, especially men. so, if you just talking to make sounds you might as well hush. I’ve always liked the “strong silent type” anyway. can’t stand a yapping azz man. and please don’t get him to yapping about his feelings and whatnot. ugh.

abc

January 3rd, 2013
10:36 am

Men typically resist discussions that are about issues with no resolution. Men want to fix it and move on, not talk and talk and talk, share feelings, blah blah. Chicks are like that, not men. If you feel the need to endlessly discuss, and the man doesn’t want to talk about that anymore, then yeah, probably time to pay attention to any doubts you may have.

Bluzgirl

January 3rd, 2013
10:36 am

Good morning all!!!

Leggs – I’m right there with you. I’ve had two exes who would do mean things and not own up to it and say “I can’t control how you feel.” I would yell back that they are the ones who did something to make me feel that way. That was the most frustrating thing. Yes…you can control how you make me feel by doing the right things. When you do me wrong, you can bet that I’m gonna be hurt/mad/upset…

abc

January 3rd, 2013
10:39 am

The other person is responsible for their actions, not your reactions. How you react is your own business and has nothing to do with them. They are not liable.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
10:41 am

Disco, when I say talk about any and everything I mean things that have to do with our relationship, nothing more. If you’re holding back to protect someones feelings, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship, because most people get made what they were holding back to protect ends up getting said to hurt!

DuShawn

January 3rd, 2013
10:43 am

Moni…..Believe me, I get it. Women enjoy discussing their feelings, the direction of their relationships and a host of other annoying topics. So as a man, if you want to keep your woman happy, you have to become skilled in pretending that you are interested. Most men are of the mindset that if my undivided attention and enthusiastic participation in a discussion on the subject of her choosing, is the price I have to pay for some solitude, the remote, a sandwich and some sex, I’m willing to make that sacrifice. In other words, open lines of communication are a necessary, albeit often uncomfortable, part of a successful union. Just like a janitor cleaning toilets……its part of the job.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
10:45 am

ABC if you’re discussing and not fixing, what’s the point?

SlimNu - More of me, less of you

January 3rd, 2013
10:48 am

abc – I didn’t think women discussed things for the sake of talking. At least as far as i’m concerned, me bringing up anything in a serious discussion is because I’m seeking to first let you know my issue, problem, or whatever…then i’m wanting to know your take on said items, then ultimately, seeking resolution or game plan to make it better to address it. If the things are tended to, then there is no need to bring it up again outside of saying, Hey babe, i’m sooo glad we were able to fix/address/edit/change xyz…i appreciate you taking heed to my needs/concerns.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
10:53 am

abc – I cosign your 10:39. my momma told me when I was a wee little thing that she didn’t give a dang about my feelings and that my feelings were my problem. i can hear her now “sounds like a personal problem to me”. needless to say to me hurt feelings are a joke. not saying a person’s feelings can’t be hurt. just saying they need to deal with it without whining like little beeyotches.

s/h – of course I (me, myself personally – lol) don’t hold back to protect feelings. just saying that some do, or at least that’s the excuse they use. me, I don’t give a hoot about your feelings. some people do. blame it on my momma.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
10:55 am

I could be wrong but I don’t think the men are tripping off of women discussing valid situations. I think the men are fussing about women who want to come home and talk about the chick at work they can’t stand or the bad service they got at the salon or whatever all else that the man really doesn’t care about but has to pretend to care about so as not to get denied nighttime favors. lol.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
10:56 am

disco, why did the image of cat woman come into my mind, I could just picture you in black leather with the whip standing over some man daring him to cry!!

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
10:58 am

Disco, I’m not going to pretend I care about that isht, if you come home and won’t to tell you about your horrible day everyday, you either need to find a new whatever or stfu!

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
10:59 am

want to tell I mean

Bluzgirl

January 3rd, 2013
11:06 am

abc – I disagree…when you do something wrong to hurt someone, you are responsible for their hurt feelings or their anger. Especially if you purposely did something that you knew would hurt her…

DuShawn

January 3rd, 2013
11:06 am

“….talk about the chick at work they can’t stand or the bad service they got at the salon” -disco- Actually, those frivolous types of discussions are the kind most men prefer. Those are easy to fake. The hard ones are the ones that start out “let’s talk about us”. That’s when the man thinks to himself “aww sh&*t, here we go with this again…dayum! Now imma actually have to listen, she bout to ask me how I feel…f&*ck!!”

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
11:10 am

“How you react is your own business and has nothing to do with them. They are not liable.” – Cool.

You break into my home, attempt to rape one of my guest, I shoot you in the head, but my reaction has nothing to do with what you did. Cool, you’re dead and it’s all your fault!

disco

January 3rd, 2013
11:12 am

dushawn – granted but that’s only because what she’s talking about isn’t what you are trying to hear at the time. I think it’s the same. men want to talk about what’s important (to them). it’s why women can sit and talk on the phone with friends for hours about nothing and men call each other and give the important details (who what where when, they don’t even cover why) and be done. I think a grown man will sit and take part in a serious discussion. the key is whether or not what old girl is trying to discuss is important to him.

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
11:12 am

Extreme example, but “reaction” and “liability” goes across the board. Doesn’t rest solely with relationships.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
11:13 am

Leggs, why they got to attempt to rape someone, if you break into my home you’ve already done too much. And it is all your fault!!

kimmie

January 3rd, 2013
11:15 am

Morning Blog Peeps!!

In the past, when I had doubts about the relationship I was in, I absolutely hated it. I am not much of a talker about feelings and such, unlike “most” women, as you guys say. I have a tendency to be a worrier and keep things in, so my mind would be killing me with my doubts. They would force me to go ahead and take action.

Women enjoy discussing their feelings, the direction of their relationships

This has NEVER been me! I am sort of like a guy when it comes to talking about such. Big issues, sure, but even those I like to have a plan of action or solution right away. Otherwise, I don’t need to constantly talk about stuff with my man. Either I’m feeling you or I’m not, either we’re moving forward with things or we’re not. No need to beat it to death. Me & hubs didn’t even do the pre-marital counseling. He’s a psych major and thinking about going and getting his Ph D in it, but even he isn’t that “let’s discuss things all the time” type!

I say all that, but yes it is frustrating dealing with someone that expects you to read their mind or tries to play games with yours. Slim, per your 9:27, that’s a game dudes like to play. And don’t do the pouting thing with me either. Either tell me what’s going on or leave. It’s just that simple with me. I don’t even deal with pouting children, much less a grown A man!

DuShawn

January 3rd, 2013
11:15 am

disco- 11:12..agreed. Girl you know you can say the right things. Sometimes I think you trying to pull a real ninja out of cyberspace.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
11:16 am

I don’t have a problem if you want to talk about something with our relationship, but I also believe in the time to start fixing it is right then. If we have to discuss it more than 3 times, Houston we have a problem!!

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
11:17 am

” the key is whether or not what old girl is trying to discuss is important to him.” – along with whether what she’s saying is so preposterous to him that he enjoys holding moot court simply in an attempt to prove her wrong. He’s no longer interested in the topic at hand.

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
11:18 am

Single ~ just wanted to throw fuel on an already existing fire. To say someone’s reaction is there’s alone is so untrue!

Leggs

January 3rd, 2013
11:20 am

Single, I get it’s my fault, it was done by my hand. Yet, my reaction is a direct correlation to your action. Without your hand in my reaction, nothing would have occurred. The end result is done by my hand, but your hand was there stirring the pot.

Exiled!

January 3rd, 2013
11:21 am

Women are just emotionally vane if not emotionally flamboyant.

If u want to make them ‘happy’,talk adnauseaum about how u luv her the house u want to build for her,the jewelry u plan to buy her,all the diamonds she deserves and how u are going to be making her breakfast in bed till death do us part. When u take her somewhere and u arrive maybe her friends are there watching as u two get outta the car,u go around to open her door,she’s looking fly and all the other females there are gasping ‘he luvs her,my…wish it was me!’

That is what makes a woman perpetually,constantly..Always Happy

When u Focus on her and talk about u and HER ALWAYS!

…….. YAWN!
(boiled egg fart)

kimmie

January 3rd, 2013
11:22 am

Disco – Some stuff I just bounce off of my girlfriends and not my man. It’s not even that I think he won’t be interested, he just won’t “get it” like my girlfriends will, especially if it’s concerning another woman. Now stuff like folks I can’t stand at work or bad service – well both me & hubs exchange stuff like that. It’s just general talk and usually it’s either something funny or unique. Nothing my hubs would be rolling his eyes and saying “here it comes again” when I start to tell him.

Robert

January 3rd, 2013
11:24 am

My woman brought up this subject “we need to talk” over the holiday’s. I shut-uped and listen to her carefully and answer all her questions truthfully. For example;

Question – Where were you last night? Answer – Sleep.
Question – What time did you go to sleep? Answer – Early.
Question – When will I see you? Answer – Tomorrow night.
Question – Where is this relationship going? Answer – Someday marriage.
Question – Are you in love with me? Answer – Yes, I am. A lucky man.
Question – Are we getting married soon? Answer – Yes, I dream about you.
Question – Can we go to the jewelry store? Answer-Yes,buy diamond ring.

My woman only wants – A Very Happy Ending for 2013.

Single and Happy

January 3rd, 2013
11:26 am

Leggs, I meant it’s the dead guys fault, had you not broke into my house, I wouldn’t have blown your brains out!

Relationships are different.

kimmie

January 3rd, 2013
11:29 am

Leggs – I don’t even get into that “I’m not responsible for another person’s feelings” thought process with folks. Life is just not cut and dry like that and they know it. Usually when a person comes across like that, it’s a mind game and I refuse to play.

disco

January 3rd, 2013
11:32 am

leggs – re that 11:10. yep. they are dead and it’s all their fault.

D – hush. I just got my PhD in man-ology. lol.

hey kimmie!!!

kimmie

January 3rd, 2013
11:34 am

When will I see you?

The thought that a woman would lower herself to ask a man this question grates at my nerves. No pride or self-esteem at all. Heck, if anything he should be asking me that and all those questions!

I just don’t believe in chasing or running down a man. Call me old school, I don’t care.

kimmie

January 3rd, 2013
11:35 am