Butt pads have to come off, eventually
In his new book, It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be), my buddy Paul Carrick Brunson actually titled a chapter “Butt Pads Have to Come Off” and yes I giggled like a 3rd grader.
We have all been guilty of “playing up our strengths” and “putting our best foot forward” when we first meet someone. Unfortunately, some people take it too far. I always make a point to have brunch with a new guy I am dating. I secretly call it my Diva-light Brunch (shut up, it’s cute).
I purposely dress down, wear no makeup, and show up barely looking presentable. I do this because as much as I love to go all glam and girly, I want the guy I marry to know the real me. The me that gets cranky in the mornings (most?). The real me that hates being ignored but does not jockey for attention. The real me who hates wearing uncomfortable shoes for countless hours. That is the me he is obligated to love too, right?
I have heard that men sometimes wonder who is really underneath all the hair extensions, makeup, butt pads, push up bras, and Pollyanna personality. The woman they see in the early stages of dating is who they like, but who will they love? The sooner a woman shows her vulnerable, stripped down, unsavory flaws, the better they seem to feel about going to the next level with her.
Even though it is scary and slightly terrifying to let your guard down, eventually you have to take the butt pads off people! What kind of butt pads do you have to take off so people see the real you?
How long does it take before you are supremely comfortable with the person you are dating?
How do you know when the butt pads are off – and things get REAL?
P.S. For the record? I do not own, nor have I ever worn butt pads. Just sayin’
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
121 comments Add your comment
Bluzgirl
December 18th, 2012
11:33 am
Leggs – Usually when I go out, I’ll pick out a little bit of a dressier top, but will almost always wear jeans! Although, after my birthday party, where I was decked out in some more feminine gear, I got so many compliments that it’s making me re-think some things in my closet! LOL
Lee
December 18th, 2012
11:35 am
Happy Birthday Celisea
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
11:38 am
Yep, I agree. The walk, the talk, the mannerisms, the way she handles herself. Are you delicate or manly…that kind of stuff. A ton of make-up and fake stuff don’t really qualify…of course IMO.
I see the women in our building and everyone differs. Different looks, styles, height, weight…but mostly all beautiful…at least to me. There’s a chick I’ve seen a couple of times in passing. She’s about six feet, wears “stripper” heels, very fair skin, nicely built (that’s what my daddy would say), and a good bit of hair (that’s wild IMO most of the time). The security dudes are gawking at her but she don’t really “strike” me as pretty. She comes off more so superficial. She’s always “dolled” up. Now, there was a chick in the cafe yesterday morning. Average weight, a bit of height. Not fat at all but I could see the “need to lose a couple of pounds” through her fitted shirt. Not fat though. Her hair length was slighty below the nape of her neck but very healthy, brown complexion, a bit more than average face. Well, what got me to look at her was a white dude in like that was REAAALLY looking at her. She wasn’t “checking” for him until he got her attention. He was REEEEAAALLLY looking. He couldn’t place his order good…for looking…lol They kept cutting eyes once she noticed him. Sooo, as I was leaving, I said to her I was gonna tell you that dude was checking you out, but no need. I see you checking him out. She burst out laughing and seemed like she wanted to wait for him. She walked out with me and was still blushing. The cashier noticed too. She told me this morning, “I asked the white dude what was the problem yesterday.” Of course I’d forgotten and said huh? Anyway, she reminded me and said he said he was nervous to approach.
But point in this long overstated story is I think the second chick would win hands down over the glammed up doll that takes her stroll across the lobby.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
11:39 am
Hey Lee! Thanks a bunch!
Leggs
December 18th, 2012
11:40 am
Bluz ~ I’m frazzled over here. I read your post wrong. Gotcha!
Sassy Me...Ain't no future in your frontin' ;-)
December 18th, 2012
11:41 am
guys on the blog and guys in real life often claim to love the natural look and chicks with less makeup but it seems like those glammed up chicks aren’t suffering from any shortage of attention.
Worth repeating…b/c alot of the times the “au naturale” woman gets looked over for the made up Barbie.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
11:44 am
b/c alot of the times the “au naturale” woman gets looked over for the made up Barbie.
Sooo, true, so so true.
kimmie
December 18th, 2012
11:46 am
Morning Gang!!
We had our Christmas brunch, Secret Santa reveal and White Elephant this morning. Fun was had by all. I got a nice portable Pirex set from my Secret Santa. She knows I like to cook!
it seems like guys on the blog and guys in real life often claim to love the natural look and chicks with less makeup but it seems like those glammed up chicks aren’t suffering from any shortage of attention. just a little something I noticed.
Disco – Well you don’t want to call them out, but I will. I pay men absolutely no attention when it comes to that natural mess, never have. I noticed that a long time ago.
Well I absolutely don’t need any butt pads! I got enough to pass out some! But that’s in the literal sense. I have never worn a weave or fake nails or eyelashes. I do wear makeup, but it is light and gives me a nice polished look. I like to look nice and “bring it” even if it’s just jeans and a t-shirt. I like looking cute and stylish. It’s nothing over the top or hard to maintain, so I’ve never really had any “butt pads” to take off, so to speak. No way would I roll out without fixing myself up. My husband remarked about some females at the firm he works at. He said while they were dressed professionally they just looked unkept, with wild hair and not a stitch of makeup, not even some gloss and they didn’t have the best complexions. He said just a little effort would make the difference. I didn’t know he noticed details like that, but men do.
I don’t knock anyone that wears “enhancements”. Whatever one wants to do to make themself feel good, I am for. There is someone for everyone. If that’s not the type of woman you go for, don’t choose that woman. It’s not that hard to tell if they are “natural” or have some help.
disco
December 18th, 2012
11:48 am
dang C. just cause we ain’t girly, why we gotta be manly. lol. I know what you mean though.
speaking of white guys checking sisters out. this came up in conversation recently with a friend who is checking for a white guy but wondering whether or not to approach him or see what happens if he’s left to his own devices. apparently they do a fair amount of flirting. one friend in the group said that white men are likely more intimidated by black women than we know. I hadn’t given that angle much thought but I did have to agree that the general, stereotyped, media version of the everyday black woman isn’t always good. any thoughts on that?
Exiled
December 18th, 2012
11:59 am
said that white men are likely more intimidated by black women than we know
see..this is a recipe to fail from get go and a self fulfilling prophecy……
if anybody wants a white dude,go swim in their natural habitat Ms black lady……that might do it…
I just hear the black woman media hoopla but i never hear anything on media to put negativity on black women….they are always looking fly to me,if u ask my opinion…..and folks on media are always complimentary and falling over themselves when a nicely put black woman is in their midst…i dont know
Actually, i think the racial divide nowadays is more class divide than race,especially in urban areas…in rural areas..yes,i think racial divides abound….
Go fo it Disco!
kimmie
December 18th, 2012
12:00 pm
disco – I have had a few check me out, but I think those that are attracted to other races seem to go for it. They don’t seem to buy into that stereotype and all. Those that love us love us! I had a few classes in grad school where not only was I the only woman, I was the only black. I got and felt much respect and camraderie.
disco
December 18th, 2012
12:04 pm
hush ex. lol. I just thought that spin was interesting on so many levels. for one, generally when I hear a woman say a dude is intimidated by her I generally think to myself that’s the last thing she’s got to worry about. lol. still, I know plenty of brothers that insist some of us are too mean, too difficult, too unapproachable. for a minute I was sucked in thinking shoot if the men who know us (in the sense that they were raised around us) are wary of moving in what must others think.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:06 pm
disco – I think there might be a hint of truth to the intimidation factor because of how we’re perceived. But, in the same vein, I think because “interacting” is not as tabooed or hushed as it was years ago, the wall has come down some, white men are feeling more and more comfortable in approaching.
I spend my of my time here with white dudes….mostly. It’s funny how one can approach me, laid back always comfy while the other is more hesitant….only because of his perception of how I am…cause he knows I’on play that….lol Well the other dude knows as well but still there’s a huge difference in their approach. We’ve disagreed and not a little bit (not argued but digging heels I would say) and it’s still a better interaction there. The third dude is in another state. I’ve spent only a small amount of time but found him to be way more comfortable than my lily white dude here. The only time the comfy dude pulls back is when I let him know I don’t like something. He’ll become sort of standoffish for like a hot sec. What I do like though, is that he’ll always make the first move in resolving any hint of “friction” that sometimes creeps up when we ain’t agreeing.
Still and I’m sorry to say, there’s that every long handle spoon that I sometimes have to use when dealing with the white men versus the black. No matter how much commonality there appears to be, there’s still that invisible line in the sand that I don’t have with black men here.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:11 pm
ever long handled spoon…is how that should have read
kimmie
December 18th, 2012
12:11 pm
I know plenty of brothers that insist some of us are too mean, too difficult, too unapproachable.
Disco – I find the dudes that say that, I would not be interested in anyway. The together brothers I like and deal with, don’t have any issues with us.
disco
December 18th, 2012
12:12 pm
C – are you talking your dealings with white men in general or dating? in general, I’ve always got along pretty well with my white male acquaintances. I think it’s primarily because I knew I wasn’t interested in dating them so I wasn’t sizing them up that way. I was really, truly accepting them just as they were. hate to admit that but with single guys that I would consider dating I find myself sizing them up. determining if they met certain criteria.
Sassy Me...Ain't no future in your frontin' ;-)
December 18th, 2012
12:13 pm
I find the dudes that say that, I would not be interested in anyway.
Ain’t that the truth…
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:15 pm
disco – A bit of both. I think the outlook and perception is pretty much the same whether working or relating.
kimmie
December 18th, 2012
12:16 pm
Celisea – In the workplace, especially where I work now, I find them to be ultra respectful of me. Almost on eggshells not wanting to offend sometimes.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:17 pm
I get along with them well. I do. But, I still sense the hint of hesitency because of the perception. Like I said, the white dude that called the dude in another state to tell him we work great together, ended the conversation with, “just make sure you respect celisea” I think the “perception” of how we are is what causes the line in the sand. Whether it’s working together or “going together”
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:19 pm
Kimmie – Your 12:16 is what I’m talking about. I think that transcend over into them not really approaching black women. I mean we’ve come a long way, as I see plenty black female/white male relationships as I’m out, but the stigma is still there that we aren’t soft and easy going. IMO
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:21 pm
disco – To your 12:12, even though it a work situation, it’s what causes the good looking white dude to feel okay getting flirty. Cause he’s comfy in approaching and not scared to say something he thinks might offend and don’t go running when I push back. He comes back the next morning. A little hesitant sometimes, apologetic sometimes and sometimes he’s still bucking and wanna talk it through. Sometimes I have to ask “can I speak”….lol
Lady~smirk!
December 18th, 2012
12:21 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY C~ Enjoy honey & wish you many more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:22 pm
Heeeey Lady(bug), how goes it? Thanks Hon!!!
disco
December 18th, 2012
12:24 pm
dag. I lost a post. not much to it. just clowning ex for implying that I was my friend. lol. also saying that my friend says she’s going to bite the bullet. we’ll see. this is a first for her so another component of the conversation was does she really like him or is she willing to settle for him. yeah. we went there.
Exiled!
December 18th, 2012
12:25 pm
Disco…if some brothers think black women(some) are too mean then they need to circle around those who aren’t.
Too, too many women around really!
Exiled!
December 18th, 2012
12:38 pm
Disco…I think white dudes wld be fresh territory and less competition actually for most black chics…if u ‘hunt’ in the right places.
The issue of race relations being this or that is only because white and black and Indians and mexicans don’t interface as much not because we don’t like each other. That leads to and causes people to act based on stereotypes.
I have observed that in the workplace,folks will test u and judge u based on your input and knowledge and not color.
Now,I ain’t gon know what’s said on the dinner table in homes,but I had to correct my 7 year old when he was 6 when he said,’daddy,white folk hate black folks!’. I presumed the island teacher had been overzealous in her Martin Luther king Jnr lesson delhcery,so I told him,’some white folks, not all white folks and some black folks hate white folks too,they are All bad people if they do’
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
12:41 pm
One of these days, I’m going to post my thoughts and keep to 3 or 4 lines
Exiled
December 18th, 2012
12:49 pm
settle for him…..
@Disco….she really wants dark meat as priority 1, ha?
Leggs
December 18th, 2012
1:09 pm
“…one friend in the group said that white men are likely more intimidated by black women than we know. I hadn’t given that angle much thought….”
I’m surprised at you disco. Personally, I always thought some white men might be afraid to approach a black woman, not only because we’re labeled with having “attitude” problems, but that interracial mingling is still frowned upon. Many white men look full of lust in their eyes, beckoning you down to the river to fill you up with sweet nothings.
disco ~ yes ma’am, I’m reading Cane River (lol).
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
December 18th, 2012
1:13 pm
Leggs yes I enjoyed the game and was surprised at how they played. Played their asses off.
Cely they wont let me come above ground until I get my new hires trained.
Thanks Sassy Me and Ex for the birfday jab, ya’ll are great people.
Sassy Me...Ain't no future in your frontin' ;-)
December 18th, 2012
1:20 pm
You’re more than welcome Blackfoote
Do something naughty…
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
1:22 pm
Blackfoote – With power comes great responsibility. You know what I’m saying. All head huncho and stuff.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
1:27 pm
Alright, I’m out of here to run an errand and finish working from home
I might log in later
Leggs
December 18th, 2012
1:31 pm
Sounds like BF is ready to turn in his badge!
BTW, thanks for the bday drink.
i'm swiss
December 18th, 2012
1:40 pm
Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood afternoon, blog!
Well, what have we here? I figured there must be a reason my lone remaining ball was tingling. Looks like we’ve got some topics that I can relate to: girly girls and white dudes that dig black chicks.
On girly girls: It’s definitely more than skin deep (or makeup & clothes deep, if you like). Mrs. Swiss is the girliest girly girl I’ve ever met, but she rarely wears makeup (doesn’t need it, luckily for me), and when she does, it’s very light — usually just some eye liner and lipstick. She does love her cute dresses and heels when we go out, though. But she looks every bit as sexy and feminine in her workout gear, too. She does LOVE pink, however. And yes, disco, I said LOVE — not like, not even just plain ol’ “love” but LOVE. I can tell you right now little SwissMochaSwirl is either going to love pink herself or hate it, but there’s no way she will be ambivalent about it. Everything that child has waiting for her is pink: her room is pink, all her clothes are pink, every single little baby accessory is pink.
On white dudes digging black chicks: Um, yes. What was the question again?
Willie Dynamite
December 18th, 2012
1:40 pm
Afternoon all,
Happy Birthday Cel and Black.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Leggs and Sassy and anyone else I missed.
Topic- I’m not a fan of all made up. I am for whatever makes you comfortable. With that being said I’ve tended to vibe with women that are less made up. To me they seemed more down to earth. That is NOT an indictment of those who prefer getting dolled up.
halo46
December 18th, 2012
1:45 pm
Perhaps I misspoke the ‘girly girl’ comment. So I polled my friends. One friend (male) described me as feminine, but not girly. Another friend (male) described me as ‘all woman’. I wonder how he knows. lol My good gf described me as polished, well kept, educated, nails right, hair tight. She is just being a good friend. I hope I don’t overdo it, but I do like 4 inch heels (no matter where I go except to the gym, the pool and golfing), little makeup (but some makeup to cover flaws), keep my manicure and pedicure up. I like to play sports (for the exercise), but don’t watch too many sporting events unless I am live at the game. So the tomboy in mewent away at 12.
Re: dating white guys. Ive dated a few white guys. Like I’ve said before they must have swagger. A lot of times you don’t know for sure if they have the ‘it’ factor til you go out on a date with them. I sorta assume they must have some swagger to step to me. But, that’s not always true. I can date them, but doubt seriously I would marry one. Don’t want my black card revoked. jk But never say never.
Sassy Me...Ain't no future in your frontin' ;-)
December 18th, 2012
1:46 pm
Everything that child has waiting for her is pink: her room is pink, all her clothes are pink, every single little baby accessory is pink.
Awwwwww….won’t be long now!! YAAAAY!!!
You’re welcome Willie…
i'm swiss
December 18th, 2012
1:48 pm
Sassy — T-minus 6 days & counting (if we make it that long).
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
December 18th, 2012
1:58 pm
Leggs hope you enjoyed it the b’day drink, I gotta say those Legs you have makes a fellow want to turn into an ant and crawl all over them.
Thanks Willie D. same to you bruh you don’t have to say it I know you’ll be getting it on tonight.
Leggs
December 18th, 2012
2:00 pm
Single and Happy
December 18th, 2012
2:01 pm
White men intimidated by black women? Did something change in the last 40 years, Since slavery in the US, time it’s always been okay for a white man to have a black woman! The only thing that’s changed is that now they marry them.
kimmie
December 18th, 2012
2:02 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Celisea, Willie D & Blackfoote!!!
Hope you have a wonderful one!!
cba
December 18th, 2012
2:06 pm
HAPPY B/D to sista Celisea & brothas BF and WD
Celisea 5:00 is just around sunset and the fire in the fireplace is slightly glowing……enjoy!!
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
December 18th, 2012
2:11 pm
LOL…..@Leggs
Thank you Kimmie and cba, for expressing the love.
Celisea
December 18th, 2012
2:15 pm
Awwwwwww, thanks WillieD, Kimmie and cba!!!
I’m sitting at a redlight…lol
Exiled!
December 18th, 2012
2:20 pm
Hey bird WillieD,dang I missed that u were on too.
Dang BF….!!
That’s some coming out gung ho declaration for what u feeling there.
There it is …whatchu gon do bout it?(song)
Exiled!
December 18th, 2012
2:23 pm
Happy birf Willie D
disco
December 18th, 2012
2:26 pm
leggs – re your 1:09. nope. I never thought of the intimidation factor. primarily because I never fed into it with brothers. of course, I never factored white guys into the equation. in my mind, whatever faults we black women have, (whether they want to put up with them or not) black men should be capable of dealing with them. white men – shrugs. maybe for them an intimidation factor is in order. what do I know?
S/H – really? you had to go there? only you. lol.