Should you unlearn some behavior?
I had a long talk with a guy friend about his constant dishonesty with women. He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted. I was surprised to hear that he learned this from his own father. He has always believed that lying to women was basically part of being a real man.
He says things like “need to know basis” or “I tell her what I want her to know” all the time. Then is genuinely shocked when his flings or relationships don’t last. This made me think about the many attitudes, and ideas we have about love and relationships are learned from what we have seen or heard from other people. It can be a dangerous trend, though – especially when our behavior is shaped by them.
Do you ever wonder if there are some dating habits you need to unlearn? What about some of your attitudes or behaviors about the opposite sex? Are they informed by your own experiences or from others?
Do you remember that little kid Kenny from The Cosby Show that had jacked up ideas about gender roles from his big brother? I told my friend he was Kenny. Kenny was a kid, what’s his excuse?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
316 comments Add your comment
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:41 pm
It isn’t just the cheater who’s at fault, it’s the one who cheats with them, too.
cheater + one who cheats with him = 2 cheaters
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:41 pm
Leggs – And if you don’t want to hear wifey, then pay the dang bills. And if you don’t want to hear about the kids (little badA’s) then, be the disciplinarian. But, don’t use that as a crutch to go do what you wanted to do. Folks do what they want. You don’t want to cheat? Then you won’t. You’ll deal with the everyday married life issues with your spouse. If all you need is a reason, well she can’t win for losing cause you’re gonna do it or fiiiind (said like Florida Evans) a reason anyway.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:42 pm
Ex only one is at fault, that’s the one that said I Do!!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:44 pm
if u are not married to dude…leave if u dont want to be compromised..if u stay,u comprnised for ever…
I agree with this pretty much. But I will say, I think marriage (not relationships and dating) is the only one thing where you need to think long and hard. And if the message of forgiveness of a cheater can resonate so much so that this is your first and last chance. Cause as copied above, you almost can’t forgive folks that cheat, they’ll only do it again cause they see it as a sign of weakness or they got over or they got away with it. You almost (again marriage the exception…somewhat), need to shut the door to let a ninja know, I’m sooo not the one to deal with foolishness and BS.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:45 pm
But yeah, as far as relationships, I agree with MMeello…dude cheat (or lie or play games), close the door….for good. That way he’ll know to he couldn’t pull it with you.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:46 pm
People often mistake kindness (i.e. forgiveness) as weakness.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:46 pm
Single – First, you’re only hearing one side. But either way, this is what being married is all about, facing things you might not have to deal with if you were single. If the 2 of you want it to work, you will do what it takes. Is he talking about stepping out? Is this preventing them from “getting it in”?
I actually have a good friend that was like your buddy’s wife. The situation was that she had had a miscarriage and it took years and 2 failed IVF attempts to produce that one miracle baby. She herself was also a victim of abuse as a child, so she was paranoid about leaving her young daughter in anyone else’s care. Then to make matter worse, when she started to trust more and accept babysitting help, there was an incident with one of the babysitters. They eventually worked thru it and now that the child is a little older, they are back having their date nights.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:46 pm
Siingle, how about if she knows hes married….those are the worst hoes…..worse than the ones who dont know
Dani
December 17th, 2012
3:47 pm
single- The one who got cheated on.
disco- Yeah he tried me and had me all messed up in the head. Talking about lets do couples counseling BS think about the kids. They were 5 and 1 at the time. I asked him did you think about me and kids while you were inside her. Lets just say we didn’ t have many sessions.
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
3:51 pm
You tuck tail and run to your hOe, all cause you don’t wanna face or you don’t wanna deal with it.
Commendable indeed….still if the shoe were on the other foot and she stepped out…all hell would break loose..
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:52 pm
Cel..but i understand a single chic’s dilemna too..she’s is sweating dude, he seems polished,nice job and career..home,whip..most chics want dudes like that….then she finds out he is cheating…..but she considers herself Main chic…..
what to do….decisions decisions………
I know…
chic gives him a looong looong rope…
it becomes his pattern.
See..us men hunt all the damn time….we may not killl but it dont mean we dont see prey!
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:52 pm
Kimmie..if u are not married to dude…leave if u dont want to be compromised..if u stay,u comprnised for ever…
Exiled – I agree. That’s the way I ran my life. It sets a precident when you do marry as well. I let all dudes know I was not the one if that’s the way they rolled.
But I was never that hard pressed. I waited a long time, so I was willing to wait even longer for what I wanted.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:52 pm
Kimmie, I don’t know if he’s stepped out or not, but the child is 6 now, I know I’m only hearing one side that’s why I specific questions, to see if it’s over exaggerated expectations. Marriage is not about forgetting you are married while staying married. I told him it sounds like one of those case where you thought you were on the same page because on the surface you wanted the same thing, but you both had different expectations of what those things included. No you can’t act like you’re single, but 6 years, I told him he’s a good one, cause I couldn’t, wouldn’t.
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
3:53 pm
Kimmie/Celisea…..honesty is not always the best policy. Some things are best left unsaid. My statement about women choosing to tolerate infidelity is absolutely accurate. Speak to a woman that has been married over twenty years and ask her if she truly believes her man has been totally faithful. Most, if they answered honestly, would say no. I have a question for you: If you were married to a wonderful man for several years, you all have a beautiful family, monetary accomplishments, mutual investments, etc. He is a God fearing man, great father and loving husband. He has always treated you like a queen. You both love each other dearly. He has never given you the slightest inkling that he has been unfaithful. Life is perfect. Then one day he tells you he had an affair five years ago. Would you respect his honesty or wish he never told you? Additionally, would you divorce him or “choose to tolerate” his unfaithfulness?
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:53 pm
Commendable indeed….still if the shoe were on the other foot and she stepped out…all hell would break loose..
Exactly…ain’t that how it goes though? SMH And in this vein, dudes shouldn’t cheat cause they’re are the ones not cut out for dealing with it.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:54 pm
Ex, he or she owes that person nothing, no respect or anything else, They didn’t promise to be true to anyone! morally they may be wrong, but they didn’t promise anyone anything.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:57 pm
Dani so you weren’t even open to trying to fix the problem before or after?
abc
December 17th, 2012
3:57 pm
If he had an affair 5 years ago, he is not God fearing, a good father, nor a loving husband.
Game over.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:57 pm
Exiled – That’s why I want my daughter to have OPTIONS, like I did. A dude had to have more than material things to turn my head, cause I was used to nice things and did well on my own. Nice house, decent job, educated, the whole nine I already had. You gotta bring me strength of character, not just look good on paper. It was easier for me to walk away.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
4:00 pm
Du, somethings are meant to take to the grave
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
4:01 pm
Additionally, would you divorce him or “choose to tolerate” his unfaithfulness?
Fck. that and let me ask you the same question. What if you had the perfect wife who gave you all of the things you mentioned in your 3:53. What would yoU do?
If your princess told you that five years ago when you were out of town on that business trip, that one of your best friends had her in the buck? It only happened that one time and you and dude have hung out countLESS times since then…
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:01 pm
I have a question for you: If you were married to a wonderful man for several years, you all have a beautiful family, monetary accomplishments, mutual investments, etc. He is a God fearing man, great father and loving husband. He has always treated you like a queen. You both love each other dearly. He has never given you the slightest inkling that he has been unfaithful. Life is perfect. Then one day he tells you he had an affair five years ago. Would you respect his honesty or wish he never told you? Additionally, would you divorce him or “choose to tolerate” his unfaithfulness?
First I’ll begin with if he was a God fearing man, we wouldn’t be discussing…IJS God fearing is for real and not, I go to church and take care of the kids and then whatever else. God fearing is just that.
But, further on to your scenario, if after years of seemingly blissful marriage, only to learn my husband has cheated, honestly I’d have to really go into my prayer closet. I’m dead serious. If you said you cheated five years ago, and have not since, that’s not “tolerating” cheating. If we work it out and I decide to stay, that’s keeping with my vows of for better or for worse and forgiving. Now, if you said I’ve had a hOe on the side for the last five years or currently, then I’m out. No if ands or buts. My main reason for not forgiving is what I stated earlier, dudes are likely to get it twisted and mistake for weakness or tolerating. There is the act of forgiveness that solely stands alone as such. It’s not tolerating or being stupid, hidden behind forgiveness. Too, it would be on the condition (if I stayed), that it happened and won’t happen again. But from that point, the greater disservice would be towards you because I would no longer respect you as the man I thought you were nor would I no longer have faith in you.
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
4:02 pm
abc…c’mon man…really.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:02 pm
Sassy – That 4:01…lololololol
I don’t think I could have said or painted it better.
Into the Light
December 17th, 2012
4:02 pm
You gotta bring me strength of character, not just look good on paper
Worth repeating.
And DuShawn, it is never okay to hurt someone just for the sake of clearing your conscience. IMO….
Dani
December 17th, 2012
4:02 pm
Single- Before the cheating yes after no you already showed me I wasn’t worth much of nothing to you. I said I would try but I was already planning my exit strategy. Pay off a few bills change work hours so I can drop and pick up kids…etc
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
4:03 pm
Sassy, stranger maybe, best friend, and we’ve hung out countless times since, you better hope they have better gun laws than they have now IJS
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:03 pm
Now, if we weren’t married and everything was all chummy and good, up until learning you cheated, it’s a wrap…no if ands or buts
Dani
December 17th, 2012
4:04 pm
abc -Amen
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:04 pm
Dushawn – What say you to Sassy’s scenario? Can YOU deal with it?
Into the Light
December 17th, 2012
4:05 pm
But from that point, the greater disservice would be towards you because I would no longer respect you as the man I thought you were nor would I no longer have faith in you.
I’ll agree with that, and add “nor can I stand the thought of you touching me.” I’ve been cheated on before, and tried to forgive and move on, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that he was intimate with someone else and his kisses/touches felt so dirty to me.
disco
December 17th, 2012
4:06 pm
dushawn – re your scenario, I’ve also heard women say that they will not give one little floozy the power to disrupt their homes and happiness.
kimmie – recently I was talking to a friend who commented that she’s surprised I’m single because I seemingly have it all “degree, good job, nice house, car”. (said friend has none of the above). I laughed and told her that with qualities like that it’s all I can do to beat off the low lifes who are looking for a place to live and want to drop me off at work while they keep my car. lol.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
4:06 pm
Dushawn – I don’t know what I would do, honestly, as a married woman. I do agree with ABC’s 3:57 though. Don’t sound very “God fearing” to me. But I do understand that none of us is perfect.
But if I were single and dude cheated – all bets are off.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
4:07 pm
Dani, but what if he tried to have the discussion with you several times before the cheating happened, and you weren’t hearing him.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
4:09 pm
If it were me in Dushawn’s example and Queen cheated five years ago…its over.
But if its me who cheated..she has to stay..i got more options….anyway…..ask most woemn on this,not me…. Most men are as selfish as i am…
a 75 year old financially secure man can get a youngie woman quick…a similar 75 year old woman cant operate same way……the woman’s mind is different….
we men take advantage of that fact.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:10 pm
Reading Sassy’s post…I had a friend (that I mentioned here) who husband is a Que and a bonafide hOe. She’s had me looking up phone number and stuff for her. A chick here in the ATL (their in another state), that he visits and had been visiting. Pre baby, post baby. Well it comes up again and she is hurt. Just broke down to the point where I didn’t have words. Well, she got fed up and got her a friend on the side (can’t say I agree with that but she did). Nothing happens (she claims) but was heading that way. She said a few meetings, friends convo, drinks, etc. She said he sent her a message about panties and her husband some kind of way found out. Well, from there he went ballistic. I mean he was following her to church (mind you he never went with her), was checking out the deacons (cause she said she panicked when he was grilling in the wee hours of the morning wanting to know who this dude was), followed here to work and any other place she went. Said he told her that if he found anything solid (cause she declared nothing happened), that it was a wrap. Well, when she was telling me this, all scared (what you scared of if nothing happened, better yet, if he was the hOe first…IJS)? I would have been peacocking all of the place. Well, I wouldn’t have been there…he’s been a hOe for years…but IJS. I would have rubbed it all in his face…boooyahhh…
I know that ain’t right but dudes sometimes need a good dosage of I can show you better than I can tell you
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
4:10 pm
Cel…thatsd the answer 4.09
abc
December 17th, 2012
4:11 pm
DuShawn, I think you should consider what ‘God Fearing’ really means. On the one hand, misinterpretations slight and great from original Hebrew are certainly there; and certainly, if God were to appear right now right here in my office, I’d be terrified; but I think most people take it to generally mean having enough respect for God to at least acknowledge what sins one has committed, to repent for them, and that means to successfully resolve not to repeat them.
If a married person cheats and doesn’t recognize and repent the sin, God Fearing obviously doesn’t apply. Like I said before, all the cheaters really gain is to make each other an adulterer. Now, sins aren’t ranked; violent acts tend to be regarded as more grievous by humans, but the Bible never ranks them. Betrayal is considered more grievous that something like stealing by people, but I think to God, sin is sin is sin.
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
4:12 pm
Single,I underdstand what you’re saying but it always makes me wonder when I hear men talk about all of the isht women tolerate when it comes to cheating,i.e. the big house, the fabu neighborhood, great children etc.
But when it comes to what a MAN will tolerate when it comes to cheating all of these crooked a$$ double standards start flying out of the wood works…guys’ EGOS are as FRAGILE as 100 year old egg…and probably just as funky cause men make terrible bi.tch.es when they’re feelings are hurt. Yeah I said it…
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
4:13 pm
ex is that what it’s about you, that you can get someone else and she can’t? Wow. With these sorry men around here that don’t won’t to work, a financially secure woman can find her a young hottie too (LOL)
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
4:13 pm
should’ve been *their feelings*…
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
4:13 pm
Lord..now u gave abc license to preach!
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
4:14 pm
Sassy…I would prefer if she never told me. That’s why I could never understand people who check their SO’s email and phones looking for signs of problems. Why search for pain. Would I divorce her, probably not, but I don’t think that is something I could ever get over.
ABC- I guess my thinking was that God Fearing men also stumble and just because you cheated doesn’t mean you love your kids any less..so you can still be a good father.
abc
December 17th, 2012
4:15 pm
Amen, brother! I think we can probably agree that most all men are dogs, but recognizing that doesn’t mean it’s fine for us to howl at the moon.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
4:15 pm
Meello – Thanks for answering. That’s probably how the majority of men would respond.
Dani
December 17th, 2012
4:16 pm
Single- He wasn’t unhappy eating my home cooked meals, me packing his lunch for work, me waking up in the middle of the night every night with kids and still get up for work at 5 am, having sex 3-4 times a week. So maybe I missed the conversation about yeah I’m unhappy about to cheat on you BS.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
4:16 pm
Enter your comments here
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
4:17 pm
I think we can probably agree that most all men are dogs,
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
4:17 pm
Sassy, you know how we are, when a woman cheats all of a sudden she becomes used goods.
abc
December 17th, 2012
4:18 pm
In a way, DuShawn, I can see that. But to me, it’s the same as it is for children of illegal immigrants: a parent’s responsibility includes keeping their children from harmful situations, if they can. Now, an Hispanic kid is here because of their parents. It’s tough to put them back across the border when it’s like a foreign land to them, but that’s on their parents, not the government. Would a caring and loving father put his own children’s home and lifestyle at risk for some strange? ‘Course, in the excitement of the moment, thoughts like that don’t cross a cheater’s mind. But they should.