Should you unlearn some behavior?
I had a long talk with a guy friend about his constant dishonesty with women. He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted. I was surprised to hear that he learned this from his own father. He has always believed that lying to women was basically part of being a real man.
He says things like “need to know basis” or “I tell her what I want her to know” all the time. Then is genuinely shocked when his flings or relationships don’t last. This made me think about the many attitudes, and ideas we have about love and relationships are learned from what we have seen or heard from other people. It can be a dangerous trend, though – especially when our behavior is shaped by them.
Do you ever wonder if there are some dating habits you need to unlearn? What about some of your attitudes or behaviors about the opposite sex? Are they informed by your own experiences or from others?
Do you remember that little kid Kenny from The Cosby Show that had jacked up ideas about gender roles from his big brother? I told my friend he was Kenny. Kenny was a kid, what’s his excuse?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
316 comments Add your comment
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
2:44 pm
they are going to mess around and make him disappear. lol.
Okay Disco!!!LOL!!!
disco
December 17th, 2012
2:45 pm
dushawn – I think the word that hung your statement up is tolerate. I, too, am one of those that believes that most men stray a little bit or dabble here and there. I also think a lot of wives might turn a blind eye. I know many have told me that as long as their man is discreet and not embarrassing them they’ll go with the flow. still, even with all that I have to say a woman doesn’t have to tolerate a daggone thing. she may choose to but she doesn’t have to. and since I’m from the wish a ninja would tribe you can cool believe I ain’t tolerating a dang thing.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
2:47 pm
Celisea – Good, I’m glad cause I need some Scandal friends to discuss the show with!!LOL!! One of my hub’s friends girlfriend is a big fan. She said she & her friends were going to have a Scandal party for the winter finale.
It’s coming back on January 10, so yall be ready!!
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
2:48 pm
Dushawn..that song wont play well with chics with no man,no marriage and none to lose….thats a wife’s song..not a single chic…
disco
December 17th, 2012
2:48 pm
kimmie – what did cyrus call him? i can’t recall but he meant it when he said it. lol.
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
2:49 pm
she may choose to but she doesn’t have to. -Disco- I totally agree. “choose to tolerate” is much better stated.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
2:52 pm
Dushawn/Disco – Just miss me with the “I lie cause I want to protect her feelings” excuse. No, you’re protecting your own behind, got nothing to do with protecting her!!
As for folks tolerating cheating, well everyone has their own tolerance level on things. Don’t play me for a fool. You don’t know what’s going on in people’s houses & relationships. There are folks out there tolerating a whole lot worse than cheating. This stuff these dudes come on here beyotching about is nothing.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
2:53 pm
Disco – Yeah, Cyrus really got himself something!LOL!!
Into the Light
December 17th, 2012
2:53 pm
Afternoon, all!
Just popping in to say “hi”….
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
2:55 pm
can one persons actions, or in-actions cause another to cheat?
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
2:57 pm
“choose to tolerate” is much better stated
I keep remembering Elliot Spitzer’s wife, dutifully standing beside him as he read the apology statement about him and the paid beyotch.
That one is waaaay off,even if u were to consider the Monica and many others……
Many of these single chics dont know how it feels when the rubber actually hits the iron and she been with a man 25,35 40 years etc….
when u have skin in the game…u going to take a pause..not just blah blah blah….
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
2:58 pm
can one persons actions, or in-actions cause another to cheat?
Single – They can give them an excuse to cheat. A way to try to “justify” their actions.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
2:58 pm
Kimmie – I’m hanging there. I was a bit turned around on this past episode but it help to see the one week before last….the recaps
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:03 pm
Kimmie why can’t the excuse be the truth? You’re in a relationship, one thinks everything is great, the other has a problem, the one that think things are great refuse to even consider the problems? you love them and you don’t want to leave, but things happen when you’re not looking for it.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:04 pm
Exiled – A lot of single chick that have been with a guy for some time take a pause too. They feel they’ve got some “skin in the game” as well, and don’t want to get out there and start over trying to find and get to know someone else. So some weigh their options and “tolerate” if they feel if they just hang in there for that ring. There are men that don’t feel they have much going for themselves or many options that do the same, believe it or not.
It takes strength and high self esteem to not “tolerate” and take your ball and go home.
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:04 pm
Dushawn ~ must admit the lyrics are interesting.
disco ~ Cyrus’ SO is what we call a spineless, spiteful SOB!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:04 pm
Who is talking about tolerating cheating. Dudes that have lived their lives scandalous are pretty jaded when it comes to love and relationships because they’ve only seen and dabbled in the crooked and wrong paths. Just because it’s been a practice and a way of life for those you’ve encountered is by no means the standard of living for all. It’s not naive to believe there are some folks that can walk the walk, walk it upright and do the dang thing. I’m just so looking at the negative outlook on women and their worth as seen through that sort of vision. I for one don’t tolerate BS. Never have, never will. And if that means going without a man, so be it. However, I’m not skewed or jaded enough to believe folks can’t do right. Will the majority? Probably not. Will a good dude…and I’m talking a good dude? Yes, he can. It ain’t true that all folks cheat and it ain’t true that women are so nothing that all they can know to do is tolerate.
Now, having said that, I’ve not read through the lastest postings so I could be waaaay off. I just saw someone mention “tolerate” and got to typing….lololol
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:07 pm
It takes strength and high self esteem to not “tolerate” and take your ball and go home.
Worth repeating! Kudos to all women and men who aren’t getting suckered/played!!!!
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:07 pm
unless they have kids…Kimmie…and a mortgage together…hmmm,
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
3:07 pm
I believe if a woman is with a man a significant amount of time she will have to tolerate some infidelity. As long as there are only suspicions and no proof, most women can deal.
GTFOHWTBS…
disco
December 17th, 2012
3:10 pm
kimmie – I’m thinking pretty soon that will be “cyrus really had himself something”. dude keeps trying to play cyrus and cyrus is only going to be played with for so long. he loves him and all but he might just have to let him go.
come now blog ladies. for the sake of hilarity, can we tolerate the blog dudes and their insistence on tolerance just for one afternoon? lol.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:12 pm
Single – I’m sure there are alot that will buy that bs you are selling. I’m not one of them.LOL!!
What one might consider problem enough to go outside the relationship, others may just see as a bump in the road or something to just tolerate. I mean, where do you draw the line?
The truth and the excuse are the same thing. If you step out cause I’ve decided not to bathe anymore, it’s the truth that I’m not bathing and the reason why you step out!!
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:13 pm
If a woman hangs in for the ring but his behind is cheating…..she’s taken…..Low self esteem……
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
3:14 pm
can one persons actions, or in-actions cause another to cheat? …..Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own decisions. However, your significant others actions, or lack thereof, can increase the probability of infidelity. One is far less likely to stray if everything is good at home.
Example: A man just completes a long, hard day of work and calls his wife on his way home. She immediately begins a tirade about what bills are due, the things he doesn’t do, blah, blah negative blah. Then he makes another call, to his mistress. She sweetly say’s “baby how was your day. I know you’re tired, I cooked dinner for you and got some of your favorite beer in the fridge. Why don’t you stop by and eat.” Which house do you think he will go to first?
In that scenario the wife’s action facilitated her husband getting home late.
disco
December 17th, 2012
3:16 pm
dushawn – hush. wifey didn’t facilitate anything if old boy already had a mistress’ number on the ready. nice try.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:16 pm
I believe if a woman is with a man a significant amount of time she will have to tolerate some infidelity. As long as there are only suspicions and no proof, most women can deal.
GTFOHWTBS…
I just wanted to repost this….cause I think GTFOHWTBS sums up how I feel all in a nutshell
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
December 17th, 2012
3:16 pm
“GTFOHWTBS…”
Ok…had to write that down to figure it out………
Then I giggled out loud….
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:18 pm
Exiled – Not every couple that has kids & a mortgage together are married, you do realize that? And for some, it takes way less than that for them to pick up and leave and they are not even married to the person.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:19 pm
Courtside – GTFOHWTBS…the words for each letter just roooolllled off my tongue. Cause what buddy posted was some BS, wacked and somebody is on that stuff….
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:20 pm
Kimmie I’m not talking the serial cheater but the one time strayer, the ones that the problem can be fixed with a little communications and give and take.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:23 pm
One is far less likely to stray if everything is good at home
Soooooooo, what’s the issue. How come we’re hearing all the stories of side hOes and stuff. Things weren’t good??? IJS
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:24 pm
Dushawn – I know what you are trying to say, but it’s really already in him to cheat, cause like Disco said, he’s got the mistress on speed dial all ready, just looking for an excuse to ring her up!LOL!!
Plus, while it might get on his nerves to be hit with his shortcomings after a long day at work. Mistress is sitting pretty cause she don’t have to deal with his dirty drawers and unpaid bills. She didn’t get hit with all the creditor calls on the answering machine or the electricity out cause he didn’t pay the bill, or the snotty nosed kids. She’s sitting at home, chillin, sipping wine! I’d be in a good mood too!!LOL!!
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:25 pm
Sassy ~ I read that and said “BS,” but felt something else.
You summed it up nicely…GTFOHWTBS!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:27 pm
I’m bout ready to call BS on most of Dushawn’s stories. Nothing personal my man, but really?? I mean the stories are great for entertainment and making the blog day go by much faster but some days you’re sounding like you’re done and things are in the past, some days you’re remiscing to the point of “dang, I wanna go back” and some days you’re talking and eating wine and cheese with a potential side hOes, wondering if you should introduce wifey….
Hmmmmm, frackle nackle….mayhaps
Okay, don’t mind me I’m just avoiding work….lololol
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
December 17th, 2012
3:27 pm
DuShawn has a point…… If there is someone outside that willing to make you good when the person that is inside either can’t or won’t…..well wifey did not make him go, but she sure as hell did nothing to stop him……….
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:27 pm
In that scenario the wife’s action facilitated her husband getting home late. – Naw, not at all. He operated on his own “free will.” He could have gone home and dealt with the issues of married life, the ups and the downs, or he could have gone to his “pretend” lifestyle and bask in misguided pleasure for a small spell.
He made his decision, not the wife.
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
3:28 pm
Single – All it takes is one time to destroy things. The problem must not have been as easy to fix as you say if it’s enough to make him/her step out. I see cheating as a symptom of a bigger problem.
I’d hate to think my relationship is on such thin ice. Or that either of us is that weak.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:29 pm
Dushawn, bro, maybe if he didn’t have the mistress, the wife wouldn’t be going on a tirade! bills wouldn’t be due, they would be paid, and he’d be taking care of home.
Kimmie, he’s paying the mistresses bills that’s why she got dinner ready (LOL)
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
December 17th, 2012
3:30 pm
had to write that down to figure it out………
Then I giggled out loud….
Courtside I see you
We do alot of giggling out loud on this blog.
Cause what buddy posted was some BS, wacked and somebody is on that stuff….
Okay Celi?!…on that cheap stuff at that..
You summed it up nicely…
Thanks Leggs…
abc
December 17th, 2012
3:31 pm
You can’t ‘unlearn’. You can learn such that previous beliefs are proven incorrect, and thus your behavior can change.
As far as what makes a person cheat: as long as there’s a person who will do it with a married person, there will be married people who will hit it. It isn’t just the cheater who’s at fault, it’s the one who cheats with them, too. There’s not even much consideration for each other among the cheaters. What they do, after all, is make each other into adulterers.
disco
December 17th, 2012
3:31 pm
Kimmie – not to mention if the mistress is really on her game she might be the reason why he ain’t paying his bills at home. lol.
single – we were on the same wavelength I see.
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:31 pm
“well wifey did not make him go, but she sure as hell did nothing to stop him……….”
How she going to stop something she knows nothing about???
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:31 pm
Cuz let’s pretend she knows nothing about her husband sleeping with another woman!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
3:34 pm
Sassy – on that cheap stuff at that..
Okay, I LOL’d on this…for real Like we use to ask on the blog a couple of years ago, where are they finding these people. It’s BS that you go out the back door cause the wife ain’t stroking you or having to deal with the ins and outs of marriage. You tuck tail and run to your hOe, all cause you don’t wanna face or you don’t wanna deal with it. Yeah, that’s reaaaal commendable. Great standup man/husband he is (that does that).
Dani
December 17th, 2012
3:34 pm
Disco- I am from I wish a ninja would tribe and so stated when we first met. I used be from I will f_up tribe but have since matured…lol
Single- I can speak from exerience on the one time cheater BS. You see to me it was not a motivation to communicate with him any further. What are we going to talk about how, when and where?
disco
December 17th, 2012
3:35 pm
dani – the tribes are very closely related. after all, just what is going to happen after the ninja does. lol.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:35 pm
Kimmie, a friend of mine made a statement, he wanted to be married, and have kids, but he didn’t know that having kids would make him loose his wife. His complaint, everything they do they have to include their child, and this is with their extended family letting them know they can have a baby sitter any time they want to. He says he’s tried to talk to her about it, and she’s not hearing it. That’s a very easy fix.
Big problems are just small problem that weren’t solved right away!!
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
3:37 pm
Exactly, Celisea. Makes you wonder why did he get married, because all that takes place in a marriage. Disagreements over bills, how the children are being raised, among other things. To abandon ship simply because you’re not in the mood to hear something that you clearly took on by asking for her hand in marriage and having children together, don’t run to the hills with life’s reality plucks you on the forehead demanding your attention. And, I say pluck because it’s a soft nudge and not a hit over the head with a damn bat demanding your attention.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
3:38 pm
Kimmie..if u are not married to dude…leave if u dont want to be compromised..if u stay,u comprnised for ever…
..
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
3:39 pm
Disco, you know we are one
Dani, were you the one time cheater or the one that got cheated on?
Kimmie, sometimes people need a wake up call.