Should you unlearn some behavior?
I had a long talk with a guy friend about his constant dishonesty with women. He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted. I was surprised to hear that he learned this from his own father. He has always believed that lying to women was basically part of being a real man.
He says things like “need to know basis” or “I tell her what I want her to know” all the time. Then is genuinely shocked when his flings or relationships don’t last. This made me think about the many attitudes, and ideas we have about love and relationships are learned from what we have seen or heard from other people. It can be a dangerous trend, though – especially when our behavior is shaped by them.
Do you ever wonder if there are some dating habits you need to unlearn? What about some of your attitudes or behaviors about the opposite sex? Are they informed by your own experiences or from others?
Do you remember that little kid Kenny from The Cosby Show that had jacked up ideas about gender roles from his big brother? I told my friend he was Kenny. Kenny was a kid, what’s his excuse?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
316 comments Add your comment
kimmie
December 17th, 2012
11:22 am
disco – That’s how I’ve always spinned it really. Most folks are scared of what the other person’s reaction is going to be to the truth. For example – “if I tell her I don’t want a serious girlfriend, she won’t sleep with me”, “if I tell my wife I slept with my coworker on that business trip, she will leave me”, etc.
They don’t want to face the possible consequences of their actions. Got nothing to do with “oh she can’t handle it if I tell her the truth” . No, you want to be able to sleep with who you want when you want and not commit to one person and still be able to sleep with her. You want to be able to get it off your chest that you slept with your coworker and your wife say “oh that’s okay honey, I’m sure you were just a little tipsy and didn’t know what you were doing” In my book, if you scared to do the time, don’t do the crime.
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
11:23 am
Celiesa ~ I remember telling a guy years ago that his wife was fool if she didn’t think he was out messing around on her. He said she “had no idea.” I politely informed not to take those words to heart. She may know more than you think she knows. Told him to always remember a “thin line between love and hurt.” They are now divorced for many reasons, along with infidelity!!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:26 am
Leggs – Or those wives that beat cheating husbands at their own game. You know, those women that look the other way while getting in where they fit in. Honestly, I can’t speak to many folks and that behavior but I know one or two that felt like, oh okay you wanna go there, bet I can do it better. And him, NONE THE WISER. So, while he’s out hOing and getting over on his hOes and wife, she’s getting under and getting in. It ain’t right, but hey what can you say?
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
11:27 am
Thats funny and real talk… But the truth is, I never run across the true Hoes in public……….
@ Courtside…
u wldnt recognize them coz they dont have banners that read:’Real H0′……………..on their foreheads!
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
11:27 am
Celisea ~ reminds me of Johnny Taylor’s “Who’s Making Love to Your Old Lady, while you’re out making love….”
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:29 am
Leggs – Okaaaay….that’s why he made the song. Cause it’s true and no doubt he was on the “getting in” end of things while her man/hubby was out making love….lololol
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:29 am
MMeello – What’s a real hOe from a fake hOe?
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:30 am
MMeello – You still coming Thursday?
Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)
December 17th, 2012
11:33 am
Kimmie, Thats the rub… I know that sometimes women lie to me….In fact on most occasions I can see the lie as its coming out of her mouth. The key is that because i know and understand what I am dealing with, I am not moved by the lie. When we are at dinner and she gets a text and looks up and say “My sister”.. I know from the way she faintly smiled, that it was not her sister. While I understand that this “dance may or may not be nessasary, it is a part of the dating world for a single guy that has no interest in being married, or having kids, or finding a person to grow old with…. I have made a personal choice to live a more “carefree” life…… So working the edges is ok for me….sometimes that might involve shooting the isht to someone that is not aware of whats happening…kinda like the baby dear that wonders to close to the edge of the pond…..right before the giant croc Jumps out and BAM!!!!!
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
11:35 am
Leggs/Celisea – If everyone plays their position, no one is getting mistreated. Theoretically, you are disrespecting your wife by being unfaithful, but in actuality she’s happy because she is oblivious. The mistress is being treated fairly, so she’s cool. It’s a great situation, until the inevitable happens and you get caught.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
11:37 am
What’s a real hOe from a fake hOe?
fake H0e is wify,when u urge her to put on the spanax and high boots on and urg her put it on u …upstairs….
Real H0e wants to knowigly enjoy where another woman has already staked a spot and may do it for a quid for quo but not necessarily always….she may just want it for the Fu c k of it….
Cel..what time Thursday….Im a house dad these days and that means school droppings and pickings are on me as well as Bbaskball practice…..I forgot that when I made the commitment…
i do have lunchtime business in Alpharatta Thursday but will need to dash home soon after..
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
11:39 am
Leggs/Celisea – If everyone plays their position, no one is getting mistreated. Theoretically, you are disrespecting your wife by being unfaithful, but in actuality she’s happy because she is oblivious. The mistress is being treated fairly, so she’s cool. It’s a great situation, until the inevitable happens and you get caught
Man you got to love that logic (LOL)
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:40 am
Just wow at Courtside’s 11:33. I ached a little for you (maybe I shouldn’t)
and I ached a bit for your wife, Dushawn in your 11:35. If you like, she’s in oblivion and your hOes are cool with it, I say roll on. Just know though, I wouldn’t want to be the wifey in this equations. Your hOes are better positioned. At least they’re getting the truth from you. Wifey? Nothing but lies and deception.
Okay, I’m out of here for a while….
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
11:41 am
Oblivious in this instance is a negative, so to use happy along with it makes it sting even more.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:42 am
MMeello – 7pm, Pappadeaux on Windy Hill
Leggs – You still coming?
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
11:43 am
been doing bball moves with my 7 year old….me being a sporty guy..i can see the progress..dude is gon be a bball star is he keeps on it and motivated….
Of all the sports we have tried,golf,tennis,baseball…he has taken to bball a lot and has moves to show for it..soccer next but…..im having to readjsut my portfolio coz he may retire me in 9 years when he signs a junior soccer contract or in 12 years..to the big leagues bbball.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:45 am
I have a feeling all of you men are gonna bail….as usual, lol Right now, I’m looking forward to Lady, Leggs and myself (and I wish Sassy).
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
11:45 am
Celisea ~ thanks, but I won’t be able to make it. ENJOY!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:46 am
Oppp, Lady and me (and Blackfoote…so he says). Lady if you’re reading, it’s just you, me and Blackfoote…lolololol
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
11:46 am
If I can maneuver day’s schedule, I will try to make it.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
11:46 am
Cel..7 pm is not possible for me….reqal tough…
but enjoy..its ur birfday?
Is ur guy gone be there? ..Damn i misssed that. lol
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
11:48 am
.”…….I ached a bit for your wife,” -Celisea- My comments are hypothetical. I don’t cheat. If you knew my wife, you wouldn’t ache for her you would envy her. By the way, I’m way beyond the level of having hoes and mistresses…….I prefer sister wives.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
11:50 am
Cel..i think u scared all the men who were pondering on hovering on u..when u indicated u have a new guy. now….
I am not part of the outside blog chatter but I do know back then when All single blog women were part of the chatter…..
I cant disclose more for fear of viloating Men_Law code 9 ,Article 5, amended, page 236!!
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:50 am
Dushawn – I would NEVER envy any woman. My life is good! The way you reminisce is enough for me not to. Oh, the sister wives thingy, yeah, um okay….lol Do ya thing.
DuShawn
December 17th, 2012
11:57 am
-Celisea- “if I saw the wifey in public. Nuh uh, none of that stay in your place and be nice.” This type of thinking is why you will never be a good hoe…..:)
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:58 am
MMeelo – My guy coming…heck no! lololol Too soon
Mmeelo – I scared all the dudes away cause I’m booed? Trust me, in my blog experience, I have yet (well, not now, I’m not talking to folks offline) to see a dude that really wanted something. It’s mostly been smoke screens and IMO/experience, how far they could go. Not interested.
One dude (who shall remain nameless) emailed me one night late = Didn’t want nothing
I posted going to Orlando = Dude (who shall remain nameless), asked me if he could meet up with me there
Ummm, NOT!! Didn’t want nothing
Another dude (who shall remain nameless) = No comment…lol
Another dude (who shall remain nameless) = No comment…lol
Another dude (who shall remain nameless) = No comment…lol
IJS…I felt half the time it was the same person and the other half, folks trying to see how far they could go with shenanigans.
I could be wrong though….lololol
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
11:58 am
Dushawn – This type of thinking is why you will never be a good hoe…..:)
I’ll take that as a compliment
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:00 pm
Mmeello – You bailed…why am I not surprised. It’s okay though…lol
Leggs
December 17th, 2012
12:02 pm
-Celisea- “if I saw the wifey in public. Nuh uh, none of that stay in your place and be nice.” This type of thinking is why you will never be a good hoe…..:)
Dushawn ~ you want Celisea to act like the lyrics in SWonder’s song “Part-time Lovers”
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
Call up, ring once, hang up the phone
To let me know you made it home
Don’t want nothing to be wrong with part-time lover
If she isn’t with me I’ll blink the lights
To let you know tonight’s the night
For me and you my part-time lover
We are undercover passion on the run
Chasing love up against the sun
We are strangers by day, lovers by night
Knowing it’s so wrong, but feeling so right
If I’m with friends and we should meet
Just pass me by, don’t even speak
Know the word’s “discreet” with part-time lovers
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:06 pm
I wld have wanted to meet Cel..honestly..i made the commitment without even thinking….my bad…
Now Cel,as to ur experiences with blog folks….see..why i have been pillloried when i said folks dont take internet meets that seriously….when folks meet a chic online..theyre thinking bootey…
not that i know these men nor have i discussed with them nor know them but thats just my take……
I dont know, i want to see a women thats worth their salt(in beauty,character,career etc) thats gon say,”i met my dude on abc website”…..u know the old joke of afrcan men and their white chics who seem off…….yea!
that stigma,at least for me will stay unless i see better…..
disco
December 17th, 2012
12:09 pm
kimmie – I get it. It’s just that when they were saying old girl couldn’t handle my mind went straight to all the old girls who don’t want the truth. they want to keep on living the lie of their relationship being all good.
ex – maybe he meant he never runs into his hoes, not hoes in general. lol.
courtside – re the dinner text. I was out to dinner recently and a couple was seating nearby. they were all lovey dovey, handholding and leaning in and whatnot. eventually the chick got up to go to the restroom. dude watched her cross the room, watched her turn the corner and then grabbed his phone and read/sent a message and cold smooth put his phone away. I was sitting at my table grinning and shaking my head. it could have been nothing but the way he was watching the doorway leading to the restrooms said it was something.
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:11 pm
Mmeello – Online or not, I’m always thinking “bootey”, but I’ll give a worthy (don’t misunderstand that word) dude, the benefit of the doubt. At least so I can show him, I’m worth more than a romp or roll in the hay. But yeah, I’m not taking offline stuff serious. Shoot, I’m not taking too much in person stuff serious….lolololol
Don’t know the joke about African men and white chicks but I’m negative when it comes to online stuff. That includes, skping and webcams….nah, I’ll take a pass
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:11 pm
Anybody seen pics of Beyonce’s baby?
I was listening to a station on Seriuus radio and they say Beyonce’s camp aint happpy:
Blue Ivy looks exactly like her Dad……
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:12 pm
MMeello – My sister says the baby now favors Jay-Z….and she said that was a negative…lol
Let me get to work
Lady~smirk!
December 17th, 2012
12:13 pm
popping in! Waving @ C! What’s the topic about?!?
disco
December 17th, 2012
12:14 pm
re all these good hoes, just last week I was mentioning an acquaintance who wanted to send a hotel receipt to wifey. turns out she has been keeping a file on old boy the whole time. shoot, I almost wonder if wifey hired her. lol. she’s got receipts, pictures, copies of documents that she shouldn’t have (his credit cards etc). she’s ready to blow up the spot. guess she’s not a good hoe either.
ex – that’s funny. I haven’t seen pics of blue since she was born.
kimmie/leggs – y’all ready to discuss scandal?
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:14 pm
Heeeey there Lady! What’s crackalackin? How was your weekend? Nothing much it seems going on in here. Just throwing comments back and forth…lol
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:15 pm
Cel..the joke is unless the black man got money,and hes just jow blow like me,no way u gon snag a decent white chic..u snag one white chic,shes off…
now a chic that gets a guy online,theyre both off…
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:15 pm
disco – We must have worn the topic out too much for you….lol
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:16 pm
Mmeello – Ummm, okay then. Imma pass on making any comments on that one.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:17 pm
Queen and i were cracking at that Blue Ivy stuff….
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
12:18 pm
Essence Atkins was born in New York City, New York. In September 2009, Atkins married collegiate football free safety Jaime Mendez, whom she met through the online dating service Match.com
Ex is she worth her weight in salt?
Mike P
December 17th, 2012
12:18 pm
See, you all are proving my point, I told you all what has been my experience with dealing with women but, instead of listening to what I was saying and accepting it. you all went on and made presumptions about me, my desires, and my character, trying to explain away what you all think is going on with me, you all were putting your own snide comments in to my mix – Rejected
I firmly stand by my originally statement: Women cannot handle the man who is NOT “less-than” honest with her.
and for the record;
the more honest I was with her, the less-successful I became.
the more I fibbed here and there, the more successful I became… FACT!!
disco
December 17th, 2012
12:19 pm
C – naw. not really. I just remember last week kimmie wanted to talk scandal and I don’t think leggs or I had seen it yet. I can talk cheating ninjas (and trifling chicks) all day. I got stories out the wazoo on that one.
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:20 pm
@Disco…now u think she got too much money not to sell them on People?
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:24 pm
Ex is she worth her weight in salt?
@Sinlge..I dont know, i wish i knew her (story) to be able to say…shes pretty….her voice is off..funny tho…
i know her from the sitcom
disco
December 17th, 2012
12:24 pm
ex – beyonce’s baby was gonna bring in some bucks whether she looked like bey, jay or Quasimodo. folks want to see what folks want to see.
Single & Happy
December 17th, 2012
12:26 pm
Ex, so you know all the others (story) since you say they’re just looking for booty?
Celisea
December 17th, 2012
12:26 pm
MikeP – You just sprayed my screen again….lololol
Oh, ummm okay!!
Exiled
December 17th, 2012
12:29 pm
so you know all the others (story) since you say they’re just looking for booty?
@Single…maybe to put U at ease..what im saying aint fact………
a stigma or perception aint rooted,necessarily in fact….
Does that help?