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Should you unlearn some behavior?

I had a long talk with a guy friend about his constant dishonesty with women. He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted. I was surprised to hear that he learned this from his own father. He has always believed that lying to women was basically part of being a real man.

He says things like “need to know basis” or “I tell her what I want her to know” all the time. Then is genuinely shocked when his flings or relationships don’t last. This made me think about the many attitudes, and ideas we have about love and relationships are learned from what we have seen or heard from other people. It can be a dangerous trend, though – especially when our behavior is shaped by them.

Do you ever wonder if there are some dating habits you need to unlearn? What about some of your attitudes or behaviors about the opposite sex? Are they informed by your own experiences or from others?

Do you remember that little kid Kenny from The Cosby Show that had jacked up ideas about gender roles from his big brother? I told my friend he was Kenny. Kenny was a kid, what’s his excuse?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

316 comments Add your comment

lee

December 17th, 2012
6:51 am

For some reason many guys believe that lying is the way to go, i don’t know why, don’t know where it started, but it did and has happened for a long time… I know plenty of guys that lie to their g/fs and in your 40’s and 50’s its a shame, i don’t get it. (i do know woman lie also, just not to the extend men do) I do think that after a certain age if you are still out there lying to everyone, you need help.

Do i need to unlearn something…. No …I don’t think so… I can be cold hearted but that is after all the lying and dumb stuff happens (im cold hearted cause im kicking you to the curb) :)

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
7:12 am

Morning all.

Damn Diva, where you meet all these people with all these issues? (LOL)

Unlearn some bad habits, umm it’s not me, it’s you!! (LOL)

Lie, why???

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
7:22 am

Pray for your children and little ones EVERY DAY! It was the devil that intended evil, but in turn sent 20 little children on to Heaven. A far far better place. No more tears, no more pain. Earth can’t even compare. :)

BBL on topic

disco

December 17th, 2012
8:56 am

good morning.

lee – my first thought at reading your post is that women are generally better liars. men aren’t very creative when it comes to lying. they keep telling the same ones over and over. the trick is for them to find the woman that will accept the lies they tell.

S/H – re unlearning bad habits. I won’t even say “it’s you, not me”. there’s some stuff that I know without a doubt is me but I embrace me (bad habits and all) so that’s that. lol.

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
9:22 am

Yes Disco, embrace thy inner self (lmao)

Women better liars, yea, we just don’t want the drama (LOL) These days it doesn’t matter what you say if it’s not what the other person wants to hear, then you’re lying!!

disco

December 17th, 2012
9:38 am

today’s blog goal. 25 posts. lol.

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
9:39 am

good luck with that one :-D

MsAtl

December 17th, 2012
9:44 am

Morning All!
I agth Lee- after a certain age, stop the lying, get some help, do whatever you need to do, but grow up! I don’t think there are any dating behaviors I need to unlearn, but who knows. I try to deal with folks fairly and honestly, I don’t want games or drama.

MsAtl

December 17th, 2012
9:44 am

agth= agree with. Don’t know what happened there…

Mike P

December 17th, 2012
10:02 am

Its been my experience that women, for the most part, can’t handle the truth from men; it has been absolutely necessary to be less than honest with them; FOR SHAME!!!

disco

December 17th, 2012
10:05 am

mike p – absolutely necessary? lol. women can’t handle the truth? hmmm. for argument sake I’ll say it’s not that certain women can’t handle the truth it’s more that certain women simply don’t want to hear the truth. they could handle it just fine if they chose to.

MsAtl

December 17th, 2012
10:06 am

Mike- That is a cop out if ever I’ve heard one. Tell the truth and if the person cannot handle it, that is on them. You cannot seriously think it is okay to go around lying to an entire gender and use the excuse that they can’t handle the truth. Your actions are a reflection on you, not the person you are doing it to. The shame is in using an excuse for bad behavior…

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
10:08 am

it’s on now (LOL)

Leggs

December 17th, 2012
10:09 am

I don’t feel I have bad dating habits I need to unlearn. Perhaps I can trust a little more, but that’s earned, not given right out the gate. Certain things have been dictated to me by the opposite sex, and going forward it’s proven to be true. However, because of that, I keep myself “real” and if you don’t want to get to know me, you definitely won’t go far.

Interesting that men feel they have to lie to women as an indicator to being a “real man!” That’s an oxymoron.

Leggs

December 17th, 2012
10:09 am

Good morning!

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:13 am

He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted

Just wow, dude came out of the gate foul. IJS! Buddy needs to get out of the dating pool….period….until he grows up, he’s tainting it. lol A liar, unwarranted (I can’t think of a time where lying is “warranted”)?? How are you an admitted liar but surprised when your relationships endeavors never last?? I can even dig the “need to know basis”, to a certain extent, but only if things are new and it’s not appropriate or long enough time to open all the way up. Even so, “need to know” is running on a clock….for me. If though, “need to know” is all about games and being strategic and lying? Deal breaker.

Like I said on here a week or so ago, tell the truth (whatever that may be….good, bad or indifferent) and let the person digest it, accept it or not. You just never know. Sometimes folks lie because of situations or how they think situations will be perceived. No excuse though. Situations may or may not be deal breakers, but lying is.

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:16 am

And how do you know folks are lying? Ummm, you don’t. If it doesn’t feel right in my gut….IT’S A LIE….lololol Oh, and the act of lying or deceiving (not just out of the mouth), all falls under the “lying” category. IJS

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:18 am

Withholding, holding tryouts (i.e. juggling/rotations), leaning on “dating” as a means for having many women, omitting….all lying

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

December 17th, 2012
10:20 am

LOl..Mike is right on point with this one…… Alot of women just are not prepared to handle the truth…. i.e…
Chick- ” Are you seeing someone else”
(in her mind she knows teh truth)

Dude- ” Nope…Just you”
(In his mind…Damn..I hope she changes the subject.)

Chick ” Ok…Just Checking”
( in her mind — Maybe those panties really are his sisters)

Dude ” We cooL?’
(In his mind…lol…can’t believe she fell for the my sisters panties line)

disco

December 17th, 2012
10:23 am

hey leggs, celisea. C – for me the concept of on a need to know basis is ongoing and forever. at no point shall I ever just automatically be 100% forthcoming. not saying I’m going to lie but saying if you don’t ask the specific question you might not get the information you seek. I may even flip the script and be like “why you wanna know/why you need to know”. sure it could be construed as a behavior I need to “unlearn” but I’m keeping it.

courtside – that’s not a woman that can’t handle the truth. that’s a woman that doesn’t want to hear the truth. big difference.

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
10:24 am

Courtside, here’s how it works for me

her are you seeing anybody,

Me – yep

her, why you cheating on me

me, cause you wasn’t giving me none

Her, I should have know not to ask yo smart ass nothing!!

end of conversation (LOL)

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
10:27 am

Disco, even if you ask specific questions, doesn’t mean you’re going to get an answer! Can’t stand Nancy Grace! I don’t have to answer anything I don’t want to, and not going to lie about either, just going to say I’m not going answer that.

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:27 am

disco – Need to know for me is required….at some point. If I felt a dude could not open up (as in telling me personal stuff) but could keep honest, I would be good with that. I just don’t have that kind of faith…in some men. But, by the same token, I can’t see a person that’s forthcoming and honest, not at some point opening up. IMO, it’s what folks do the closer they grow and the deeper they get. That’s what I mean by “clock.” I’m going to ask pertinent questions, I’m not gonna pressue. If though, you at some point open up, I’m going to take that as a sign of dishonesty.

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:28 am

I meant…if at some point you DON’T open up, I’ll take it as dishonesty

Mike P

December 17th, 2012
10:31 am

A man can’t get anywhere with a women these days unless he lies to her. Apparently, It’s now our job to make you women “feel” special, different even, especially in the beginning;
the truth is you ain’t no different than my last. If I didn’t lie to you to “make you feel special” whatever that means, you wouldn’t be my next. IJS

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:32 am

I see Courtside Seats apparently swims on the shallow end of the pool…lololol

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:35 am

MikeP – I feel like you spit all over my screen with your 10:31. Hold on while I get my screen cleaner….I KID I KID :)

disco

December 17th, 2012
10:35 am

S/H – agreed but at least if you ask me a specific question you have a greater chance of getting an answer than you do of me just feeling chatty, running off at the mouth and spilling the beans.

kimmie

December 17th, 2012
10:39 am

Morning All!

On topic – There are many folks that have unfortunate ideas about the opposite sex they learned from their parents and/or the environment they came from. Those kinds of things are hard to shake unless the person is able to recognize that these things are not “normal” and commit to not making the same mistakes. They may need counseling to rid themselves of these issues. Like if a guy grew up seeing his dad beat his mom or talk to her nasty, he might think that’s the way it’s suppose to be. And this guy’s sister, who grew up in the same house with him, sees her mom getting beat and thinks that’s what she should expect from a man. It can be a vicious cycle.

In my dating past, I came across many men dealing with bad habits or ideas they “inherited”. To the outside world, these people may appear to have it together. Some I let go and others admonished me about “why would you let such a GOOD man go?” They had no idea. That’s why I can’t judge others and what they choose to deal or not deal with.

These are also reasons why I don’t advocate staying together for the children. It’s unhealthy for children to grow up seeing some of the things their parents do to each other. Things that will be far harder for them to deal with years down the line than a divorce. I know alot of folks that would disagree with me, but I feel how I feel.

Hey Mike P, long time no read ya, hope all is well. You feel how you feel, but I wonder how that attitude towards women is working out for you and how successful your relationships are because of it?

A lot of men(and yes some women) lie not because they feel the person can’t handle it, but because they themselves can’t handle the possible reaction of the other person. They want to control how that other person is going to take the truth. They don’t want to be accountable for something they themselves did. That other person can handle the truth just fine – may not be the way YOU want them to handle it, but they can handle it!

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:42 am

Well, anything can be a crutch if you want to make excuses. Just like there are kids that watch their parents be drunks or drug addicts, abusers and decide no way I’m growing doing this same thing, and go another direction, so can dudes that use the excuse of I did it cause my mama/daddy did it or because it was done to me. Excuses, I tell ya. There are sooo many success stories where people made changes because they wouldn’t accept the subpar standard of living they were raised in.

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

December 17th, 2012
10:43 am

Celisea…Not at all… But the truth is sometimes a guy just wants to be in the company of a woman with being deeply involved….Sometimes that will require that he stretch teh truth or even outright lie…When women get to a point where they can let go of the fluff and just ” roll with it” the need to lie or hold back or mis-represent or whatever will go away…..But until teh ladies get to that point….

Dude – ” Of course I am looking for a long term realtionship” In fact I want to one day find a woman just like you!”
( In his mind Yup….Thin, 34/26/34 Great job and a mortgage with just a hint in freak in her voice…)

Chick- ” I want to build towards marriage”
( In her mind ” I hope he calls me after I put this Supa dupa PSK (porn star kitty) on him)

Single & Happy

December 17th, 2012
10:46 am

man it is so nice to be older and wiser, cause I can’t remember being young and stupid :-D

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:49 am

Courtside Seats – I’m gonna agree with most of your 1st paragraph…not all most. Yep, I too think women wanna just roll with it as well, without getting all deep….at first. After a while though (as with anything in life), you want more. It ain’t cool “just kicking it” or “rolling with it” after a year or so….IJS No one is asking any man to be an open book day one, but something is wrong or not adding up if you just wanna kick it…and that’s all….after months Either you’re rolling with more than one or you ain’t really feeling ole girl to the point of taking things to the next level. At that point, BE HONEST. Don’t say it’s here. As a man, you already know she’s gonna want more and not just “roll with it” eternally.

As for your 2 and 3 paragraphs, ummm, okie dokie and okay…lol I’m not 36-24-36. Great job is relative and mortgage, well yeah that should be happening for most grown folks. Can’t speak to putting the porn star kitty on folks either. Just give me a great session/evening…whatever that means.

Maybe you should change some of how you view things, eh? lol

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
10:51 am

Hey Courtside – Maybe you’re in the wrong areana….i.e. dating. Maybe you should be with the FWBs folks. Seems like that would be a better fit for you. A woman is not wrong for wanting more. FWB folks are probably more suited for your lifestyle/wants (from what you just posted).

kimmie

December 17th, 2012
10:57 am

There are sooo many success stories where people made changes because they wouldn’t accept the subpar standard of living they were raised in.

Celesea – I agree wholeheartedly. In fact, most folks I know didn’t grow up in fairyland and had to overcome something from their childhood. And yes, alot have a tendancy to use alot of those experiences as a crutch/excuse. But the human psyche can be strange. While something a person experiences might be bad, it is familiar, what they know, and they can be bound to repeat it. Like I have a real hard time thinking someone would abuse their kid after they were abused, but it happens every day. Or some folks have the exact opposite reaction. My hubs is a preacher’s kid and grew up in a strict household. In contrast, he’s alot more laid back in his childrearing.

People just have a lot less patience and understanding when it comes to bad dating habits, and rightly so. I’m sorry your daddy hit your mom, but you’re not laying a hand on me!

And just like people pick up on the bad they were raised around, they also pick up on the good and repeat that as well.

Mike P

December 17th, 2012
10:58 am

The truth is, we can’t be really honest and tell you how we feel inside, or what we’re thinking.
The truth is, we can’t be really honest and tell you the real reason we asked you out.

DuShawn

December 17th, 2012
11:03 am

When I was dating, I was never much of a liar. However, I would tell a woman what she wanted to hear if it facilitated the dropping of the panties. If you’re not in a committed relationship, what is there to lie about? If you’re married or committed and cheating, you have to lie if you want to stay together. When you come home late and your girl ask where you were, you can’t say “I was at Kiesha’s house getting served.” You have to say, “I was with the fellas watching the game.” A female playa potnah of mine once told me “You lie to the one you love, but tell the truth to them hoes in the street”. That’s real talk.
Ideally, one should be honest and faithful, but if you’re living foul her logic applies. You may have to lie to wifey, but you must be truthful with all the other women. They must be aware of her and they have to respect her position. That way if your paths cross in public, your hoes would govern themselves accordingly.

Bluzgirl

December 17th, 2012
11:04 am

Morning all!

Honestly, I can’t really concentrate enough on anything this morning, so I can’t comment on the topic. LOL! I’ve been sick and thought I was better, but feeling bad again this morning. Also, I can’t seem to stay away from news sites and I really need to because it’s affecting me. I’m just sad about it all.

Anyway…I may pop in later if I feel like I can actually comprehend what everyone says! Need some light heartedness today!

disco

December 17th, 2012
11:06 am

kimmie – great spin. the liar can’t handle the person’s reaction to the truth.

mike p – the truth is not that you can’t so much as you won’t. let’s just call spades spades up in this camp today.

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
11:07 am

Kimmie – Yep, yep and yep!!

MikeP – Have you tried being honest?? No one is going to judge you for your thoughts…not a real woman. For me, it’s a given (maybe it shouldn’t be), that a dude is thinking the physical, initially. I think the onus is on the woman to show him she’s much more than that, and then on him to determine if he wants more than that. If not, don’t lie, move it along to someone that can accomodate exactly what you desire = FWB. But, don’t say a woman can’t handle the truth if she’s not accepting of the fact that you don’t want too much out of her other than hanging out sometimes. She’s not broken for not being able to do what you want. You just need to find someone that fits into what works for you. Trust me, there are plenty probably wanting the exact same thing out of the deal as you. You can’t though, want the creme dela creme, while bringing less than par mentality and behaviors.

kimmie

December 17th, 2012
11:10 am

Mike P/Courtside – It just doesn’t appear that attitude is working for you. If you could point to how thinking and acting the way you do is paying off in a positive way and why others should try it, okay. Why it’s fun to have you on here to make conversation, that’s all you seem to have to offer.

Also, if the women you came in contact treated you the same way and lied, then you’d come on complaining that you can’t meet a woman that’s honest.

The two of you can’t handle the honesty from women unless it’s what YOU want to hear, admit it!

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
11:12 am

A female playa potnah of mine once told me “You lie to the one you love, but tell the truth to them hoes in the street”. That’s real talk.

I’ll just say this and get on off….this right here is what makes a cheater delusional. While you may think absolutely nothing of your hOes and belittle all your jump offs, your wife is the one no one wants to be or envy. She’s the one you show absolutely no respect for. She’s the one you’re cheating on. It’s not the jump offs getting mistreated, they’re in it for what they’re in it for. However, your wife ain’t in it for the utter disrespect shown. Oh, I can just bet the hOes and jumpoffs are all laughing cause they know what’s up and you (not you) konw what’s up, she’s the only lump lump in the equation. IJS

Leggs

December 17th, 2012
11:13 am

How about this for the truth:

I know a guy who likes me, but I’m not feeling him. He’s trying to get into a relationship with a woman, but hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks. He told me about her a while ago. He was honest and told me he was “trying” to get to know her better because it seems that they are quite compatible. Well, he calls Saturday evening asking if I was going out later. Told him I might be. He’s going to a party, but not sure if he would be having a good time because it seems they sit around and talk w/music in the background. He’s 61 (lol). Anyway, he asked if he should leave the party early could he come by later. WHAT THE HELL! Do I look stupid! No doubt he was being honest, so I had to be honest in turn. Told him, I’m not the one to call up because your evening isn’t going as planned with your new girl. You know me better than to think you can go out with one woman, tell me about it, then ask if you can come over and spend time with me. NOPE! If you don’t like the party, take your a$$ home.

DuShawn

December 17th, 2012
11:14 am

This weekend was unbelievable. Sometimes I wish the things I exprience could be recored.

Courtside Seats!!! Caught on the Kiss Cam :)

December 17th, 2012
11:16 am

“That way if your paths cross in public, your hoes would govern themselves accordingly.”

Thats funny and real talk… But the truth is, I never run across the true Hoes in public…….

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
11:16 am

The two of you can’t handle the honesty from women unless it’s what YOU want to hear, admit it!

Exactly and here here!! lololololol

Leggs

December 17th, 2012
11:17 am

Celisea ~ I definitely agree with &rarr: your wife is the one no one wants to be or envy. She’s the one you show absolutely no respect for. She’s the one you’re cheating on. It’s not the jump offs getting mistreated, they’re in it for what they’re in it for. However, your wife ain’t in it for the utter disrespect shown

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
11:20 am

Leggs – That’s the one funny that I can NEVER understand. How cheaters REEEAAALLLY think they got it going on but their wife is getting mistreated far above anyone else in the equation. It’s funny how a dude thinks little of his hOes, but I can bet it’s a business and a lifestyle they’ve decided upon and cool with how it rolls. And if they did see the wifey in public they’re thinking dude ain’t worth two wooden nickels and his wife gotta either be slow or looking the other way. I find no pride in walking on the arm of of a philander or cheater as the wife. Nuh uh.

Leggs

December 17th, 2012
11:20 am

DuShawn ~ glad the two of you had a great time. I know your wife felt loved! Very nice weekend you had planned!!!!

Celisea

December 17th, 2012
11:21 am

But I will say this, it couldn’t be me…if I saw the wifey in public. Nuh uh, none of that stay in your place and be nice. I would be all out with it…lololololol