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Relationships: That’s not love?

If you have ever been in love before – you know the feeling of euphoria and butterflies in your stomach. It’s as terrifying and exhilarating as jumping out of an airplane must feel like. There really is no other feeling quite like that! Sadly, once you have had that intense emotion, you pretty much judge all relationships by that standard.

Do you think it is a good thing, though? What happens when we spend so much time chasing that same feeling that we had once before? Is it fair to compare to that time you fell so hard?

If you don’t feel that same kind of emotion and passion for someone, does that mean you are really not in love?

A lot of people are lucky enough to have had that feeling once. So how do you know when it’s not love just because you feel differently?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

162 comments Add your comment

lee

December 11th, 2012
7:15 am

I do not judge all relationship on my first love. Love changes as you get older–it will not be the same. Heres a question: Do you love me enough to change my diapers when i can no longer go to the restroom on my own? <– thats real life.. lol

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

December 11th, 2012
9:15 am

Love, the way you describe it Diva is in the same terms that most people use when they use crack.

“The first time is mind blowing, and you spend the rest of your days chasing that high. Until it gets to the point where you’re just using because you have to, you need it to feel….right.”

I got that way thinking about love (and sex). It wasn’t til I realized my error that started to see things differently.

The difference between sex and that first crack high is that you can get that feeling with each relationship. And people chase it, and get bored with/dependent on it, just the same as with the drug.

Where I hit bottom was trying to tie the emotional need for sex into what should have remained a pure friendship. I was blind, “that isht was calling me man.” But I’m glad I hit bottom, and had my moment of clarity. It allowed me to recognize my errors. Trying to make “like” ‘love’, and havng “love” without ‘like’.

Getting to the point where you truly understand that you have issues (the main one being yourself) is a hard thing to do in life.

But, I’m here to tell ya (ha) that wheeeeen you get past yourself (ha) luuoovvee (ha) has been right there (ha) the whole time (ha). And if it’s oooonleee (ha) the love of yourself (ha) that you find(a), you’ve found that (ha). And luuuooovee (ha) with another person (ha) is not truly far behind.

[puts on robe, drops the mic, and exits stage left]

[heard in the distance] Luuuuooooveeee(ha)

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
9:23 am

Just dang….first day back at work, sipping coffee and eating breakfast, was gonna have my first laugh of the day annnnd….nothing??

Where are all the miscreants?? Where’s lolalee and Mr. Unknown? Where’s Dude, Row 125, Jeff, LeeH1, HST, Enigma, I Used To Be Here Before, Foxy, Dyslexic Bunny…and so many many more??? Where y’all at???

Rev it up folks….c’mon!!!!! :) :)

We have dinner scheduled this evening with all of our execs. Folks are drilling in already and looking all spiffy :) Everyone is on their best behavior. Guess I should be too. Off to work I go.

On topic (before I go): I think at some point we all may have held someone to the standard of a past love. But, I think as you grow and evolve and come into “what love is”, I think you start learning (well I know for me), that it’s nothing more than being “hung up”, rather than feeling like that (past love) was the thing that broke the mold. Most times (again, for me), it was more so not willing to jump back out there. I’ve said it before, I got my dusting for a small window of time from the kid’s dad cause I didn’t want to go through the starting over process again. At the time, I thought he was the best lover, the most endowed, the most skilled. Well, when I fully let go and found someone that possessed all the mental and spiritual attributes as well as being able to satisfy sexually, I found myself having an “I could have had a V8″ moment…..lololol

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
9:26 am

Dan – Trying to make “like” ‘love’, and havng “love” without ‘like’.

Nice Dan…I like this

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
9:36 am

Morning.

I know nothing about love (lol). What I do know is I don’t compare present relationships with past relationships. As you get older, the definition and feeling of love alters. What we looked for in our mid 20’s, isn’t the same thing we look for as we get older. That feeling of deep euphoria/fabulous sex is still sought after, however, along with that we look at the bigger picture of stability, support and possibly picturing “will this person be sitting with me on the porch in our rocking chairs?” :wink:

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
9:37 am

I have a feeling this topic is going to wear out quickly. I’ve had that euphoria feeling with being in love only a couple of times. There are times in the past that I thought I was in love. There are really only a couple of times that I know I was in love…even thought it ended badly. I was in love for a while. I don’t think you can recreate the euphoria you felt when you first felt love, but once you fall again, I don’t think you remember how you felt before because you’re feeling it now. Make sense?

czBrat ♀

December 11th, 2012
9:38 am

personally, i’m addicted to the newness. i luv the giddiness of ‘getting to know you’. not so crazy about coping with each others’ quirks, tho. that’s just me … i own it!

by no means does this translate to “love!”, but there’s much to be said for that euphoric feeling everyone goes thru early on. right now, i’m walking that fine line between comfort/security and complacency.

morning, all!

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
9:43 am

personally, i’m addicted to the newness. i luv the giddiness of ‘getting to know you’. not so crazy about coping with each others’ quirks, tho. that’s just me … i own it!

Me too, me too….looooove the feeling of things being new!

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
9:45 am

That is one of the best parts, czB. The part that makes you jump through hoops to get to each other, to ride down that highway doing things you have no business doing…oops, I digress!

Exiled!

December 11th, 2012
9:57 am

@CZ……personally, i’m addicted to the newness. i luv the giddiness of ‘getting to know you’. not so crazy about coping with each others’ quirks, tho by no means does this translate to “love!”,

A man ………personally, i’m addicted to the newness of newbootey by no means does this translate to “love!”,

@.Leggs….@ 20, What we looked for in our mid 20’s, =That feeling of deep euphoria/fabulous sex = LOVE

@Leggs @ 65 sitting with me on the porch in our rocking chairs,having fab sex thru holding hands = the bigger picture of stability(social sec and his pension), support = LOVE… :lol:

So what is Love??

SlimNu: Life always happens

December 11th, 2012
10:04 am

Good morning gang

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

December 11th, 2012
10:10 am

Helluva question, Ex, helluva question

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
10:16 am

Love is one of the hardest things known to man to define!

czBrat ♀

December 11th, 2012
10:17 am

me-lo, you’re on it! now i need to hear your breakdown of 40s.

Single and Happy Terrific Tuesday!

December 11th, 2012
10:22 am

Love and euphoria, man that was so long ago, don’t remember what it felt like.

Sitting on the porch, naw, I’ll see you when I get back. (LOL)

czBrat ♀

December 11th, 2012
10:29 am

hey, slim lady!

@ leggs, The part that makes you jump through hoops to get to each other,
as opposed to —-> “what the hell are you doing here AGAIN?” lmao

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
10:29 am

I don’t think there is any one way to define love. I think you just know it when you feel it…

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
10:43 am

Love is a combination of words, but moreso one’s actions.

I’ll never forget when someone said they weren’t necessarily thinking of marriage, but they knew they loved their woman. Knowing he never wanted to live another day w/o her in his life prompted him to ask for her hand in marriage. They’re still happily married and expecting their first bambina!!!

disco

December 11th, 2012
10:45 am

bluz – know it when you feel it sounds good but lawd knows some folks mistake a bunch of other feelings/actions for love. of course, what do I know, it could be love to them. lol. “he pulled me out of the club by my hair because he loves me” or she cut all my tires and poured bleach on all my clothes because she loves me”. to each his own.

oops. good morning. don’t think I’ve posted yet.

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
10:53 am

IMO, I don’t think love can be boxed in by definition. I don’t think it’s limited to the touchy feely type stuff we associate with love. I just think you know when you know and you know it, because of being tried and found to be true. If it’s a relationship that’s been nothing but all good, I don’t think you have a truly captured love…..yet Possibly mayhaps, but just what I think. IMO, you need to excercise both sides of the “love” coin to really know.

IMO, I don’t think you’ll REALLY know until you go a lifetime with someone. I think relationships that are young or at the midway mark are well on their way but, I think when you reach the years of sitting in rocking chairs, then you can then speak to what love is and how it sustained the test of time. Or a widow/widower that can speak to how they endured as a couple of until death brought about the ending of said marriage.

For me, I’ve had the mindset that I knew love, until I was disappointed or could see clearly that we weren’t on the same page or that his definition versus my defintion…or I should say expectations vastly differed. Clearly, it wasn’t love…lol I believe everybody is familiar with the feel good, the giddies (yes I like giddiness), the butterflies but I think that’s just the juice. That’s not solid and can be as equally fleeting as turning solid…if that make sense. Feeling good and doing great together is alllll good, but do you REAAALY know?? Is it possible to love for a moment or does love last a life time? Is it love if what you feel is definitely not what the other person feels? Can it exist if it’s mixmatched or not evenly measured? Or, is love even? Do you have that thing that forces you to look the other way when you were tempted? Not for you but for your SO? Or on the flip side of someone that clearly don’t understand love, does it make you forgive because of the other person’s indiscretions? In your forgiving an unfaithful spouse/SO, does love teach you how to teach the other person what giving 100% means? Or, is love ever present where you’re able to forgive? If you don’t was it not love? When you want to walk, does love keep you there working it out? Does love make you go that extra mile or retreat for the sake of compromise and peace? Does it have to nurtured and cultivated or does it “just work” on it’s own?

Hmmmmmm

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
10:55 am

Let’s not get into “he hit me because he loves me.” Those who equate pain with a man showing them love are obviously warped in their thinking. Let’s stick with the warm glow of love that is positive.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
10:56 am

positive, uplifting and sincere. The two of you can move mountains type of love (and do)!

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
10:58 am

disco – very true! I guess to them, that is love. I have a friend who seems to always find herself in abusive relationships, but apparently, that’s what she knows of love. It’s a shame because she is worth so much more. I think that my views on love have adjusted based on who I’ve loved in the past. I look forward to the day when I do find a true mutual love…

disco

December 11th, 2012
11:01 am

leggs – fine but that violent love is the same as that giddy love to some. it’s how they measure it. then you have the practical, non-romantic types like myself. I’m like “did I feed you today? yes? then why you all up in my face talking that love foolishness? go sit down somewhere”

Robert

December 11th, 2012
11:02 am

“So how do you know when it’s not love just because you feel differently?”

I can only speak for myself. When I was a young man (20-25) I thought all women “loved” me and I could “love” them back one day. I was too young to understand the difference of being “loved” by someone else and being “In Love”. There is a big difference.

For example when a Man is “loved” by a woman she is expressing her passion and desire for you. When a man is “In Love” with a woman he will constantly have that woman on his mind and she can do no wrong. He can not eat or sleep without thinking about her. He wants to be in her presense all the time. Y

You may feel differently. As a Man you are experiencing these feelings for the first time in your life.

As I matured as a Man (30-35) I wanted more out of my relationships. I gained experience and recognized the difference between being “loved” and “In love”.

I have met many women who I “loved” very much. I am still searching and waiting to find that woman who I am “In Love” with. I know she is out there waiting for me to find her. Where is she? The Best Is Yet To Come…..

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
11:05 am

I was listening to Bonnie Raitt’s song, I Can’t Make You Love Me, and thought, dang sure wouldn’t want to be in her position. I’ve heard it time and time again over the years, but I was in deep thought and thought, that’s some serious stuff right there. Going at it one more time, knowing dude ain’t feeling you? All cause you love him??

Does love causes you to be blind??

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

December 11th, 2012
11:10 am

Is it love if what you feel is definitely not what the other person feels? Yeap.

Can it exist if it’s mixmatched or not evenly measured? Yeap.

Or, is love even? Nope.

The minute you start weighing “who loves who more” is the minute the relationship suffers.

Forgive me for forgetting his name, but there was a brother on here that stated “I love my wife, and she loves me, but we love our marriage more” (paraprashing) but I’ll be daggummed if that didn’t crystalize a way to think about marriage, love, and relationships.

I don’t think “love” should be measured as a tit-for-tat, I think that on the whole you shouldn’t concern yourself with what your SO is doing compared to what you’re doing. You’ll know when the reciprocity is lacking (and hopefully so will they). As long as you’re both willing to commit to that relationship above the individual(s), the relationship should endure beyond those mior annoyances.

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
11:13 am

I think love can cause you to be blind, dumb, and deaf! I look back at the last relationship and can DEFINITELY say I was all of those. It really does stink when you really love someone and they don’t love you back. I’m over those relationships!!!

disco

December 11th, 2012
11:15 am

boy, somebody gone get a playlist going in a minute. I swear I was just hearing “it feels good loving somebody when somebody loves you back”. lol. earlier I was hearing Vivian green’s what is love.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:16 am

“…that violent love is the same as that giddy love to some.” – I know. My brain doesn’t allow me to conceptualize how that works, but I do recognize many live and welcome that kind of love. I say welcome because they stay and even invite the pain.

BTW, Dan, you left off the “n” in known…

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:17 am

Add to that list Isley’s “Make me Say it Again.” That’s love and hot love making!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

December 11th, 2012
11:21 am

@Leggs

Thanks, I’ve known that since Cel pointed it out to me, but some imperfections are necessary. It makes the strive for perfection that much more perceptible.

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
11:22 am

disco – I’m so glad you posted that lyric!!! I’ve been wondering who that song was by for many years. I used to get on stage with Mudcat and sing it and could never figure out who it was by or what it was called. This is about 12 years ago or so…

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
11:26 am

Thanks, I’ve known that since Cel pointed it out to me

Huh?? Me? Today?

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
11:28 am

Dan, to my recollection, I’ve never spoken to your moniker. Today is the first even noticing. I don’t “see” that kind of stuff. I’ve always said, as long as you can make out what the person is saying, doesn’t matter to me. I don’t point out that kind of stuff…lol

czBrat ♀

December 11th, 2012
11:30 am

love isn’t blind (not at my age at least), but i do believe it can be forever hopeful.

my sister’s relationship of regular physical & verbal attacks is a love i do not understand.
my relationship where i am doted on almost incessantly is a love she does not understand.
who’s right? who’s wrong? the answer may not be as simple as it seems.

Bluzgirl

December 11th, 2012
11:34 am

O/T – disco…I wanted to respond to your reply yesterday about my therapy session. I went home after the dentist and crashed for a couple of hours…the anxiety and the anti-anxiety meds I take just wore me out! Anyway…my therapist is not “dropping” me because of the insurance. We talked months ago about how my insurance would be running out at the end of the year. Without the insurance, I will pay him the full amount, so he wouldn’t release me based on the lack of my insurance for him. He would get more money from me. It was a mutual decision for me to call him when I need him. I assured him that I would not go to anyone else just to save the $20 extra it will cost me. I’ve gone to him for 2.5 years and he knows me. He has seen a huge improvement in me over the past 6 months especially. I’ll know if/when it’s time to go back…

Exiled!

December 11th, 2012
11:34 am

Leggs…Let’s stick with the warm glow of love that is positive.

Nope..luv cuts across definition

What is love?

Somebody answered a long time ago and said,’love is what u make of it!”

Very apt!

Because luv means different things to different people. U may not like that particular brand, but it is luv…

Rachel Maddow is in luv..so are All lesbians and homs
Bill Clinton and Hilary wil tell you ahtey are and have been all along..so what of that blow job and blue dress

My dad and many other polygamists with more than one will tell you he(they) luvs them and so will the wives

Many Swingers and practictioners of Open marriage,whop routinely see their one and only being slammed in their presence will tell u they luv thir boos.

Many str8,monogamous folks will tell u they are in luv…
Lary King will tell u he is in luv….

and many, seemingly monogamous folks will tell u the same thing about their version of luv when they are physically together but proly a lil diffrently when they are apart(as in the other being at the mall etc)….but still claim they luv the other partner still.

the one whose hair was pulled or punched but remains with the abusive one is entitled to claim being ‘in luv’ and may actually mean that.

That is Luv, complicated,defies definition,has no boundaries, is different to each,elusive,fleeting and feels good when you are in its vicinity.

You cannot Pin it down nor can you Universalize it.
..have to go

Hey MIA

Its an individual thing!

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:36 am

“I’ve known that since Cel pointed it out to me, but some imperfections are necessary. It makes the strive for perfection that much more perceptible.” = things that make you go HMMMMMMMMMMM, since you say you’re ….still….Superior! Alrighty then!

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:37 am

Celisea ~ saying his moniker is missing a letter.

Celisea

December 11th, 2012
11:40 am

Leggs – I caught it. I was saying though had you not posted it, I would have never noticed, point being I don’t think it was me that pointed out initially, the missing N cause I don’t watch that closely. I’ve just never paid it that much attention.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:40 am

Ex ~ I agree, love is what you make it. But my point was in not talking about the painful, brutal, physical beat downs that showcases one’s love. I was hoping we wouldn’t go into aspects of that type of love and hopefully stick to the positive, warm glow of love.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:41 am

Or whatever other encouraging words you care to use, Ex.

disco

December 11th, 2012
11:42 am

what? love got ex making sense? it must really and truly be a powerful thing. lol.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:43 am

disco

December 11th, 2012
11:45 am

I’m still stuck on song lyrics. who sang “love is a house”?

kimmie

December 11th, 2012
11:46 am

Morning All!!

All I keep singing in my head is that New Edition song I love “If It Isn’t Love”

Cause if it isn’t love
Why do I feel this way?
Why does he stay on
My mind?

While the euphoric love of my youth, my first love, was wonderful, I was happy when I grew up some about love. Trying to chase that feeling down for the next person is exhausting and it’s not fair. You are spinning your wheels. When I realized that a real, more mature love felt differently, it was a comfort. I didn’t have that out-of-control, super vulnerable feeling I had that caused me to crash and burn, like I did that first time.

I’m glad I experienced it, but I am even more glad I found the love I have now.

Lee

December 11th, 2012
11:46 am

Tina Turner “Whats love got to do with it” says it all……. Find me someone to stand by myside and have my back when the world turns ugly …

DuShawn

December 11th, 2012
11:49 am

who sang “love is a house…..The Force MD’s.

Leggs

December 11th, 2012
11:50 am

Love is a House, sung by Force M.D’s