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Substance over superficial?

My friend Panama participated in a relationship panel that listed “substance over superficial” as part of a man’s wish list. I won’t come out and call shenanigans on this title completely, because women are known to be superficial creatures too. However, I want to know how many men can truly say they value substance more than superficial things?

I have seen a lot of men who get blinded by the beauty and completely overlook glaring red flags. When they learn the woman’s character is horrendous, do they take their lesson and choose better the next time? If so, what age do you think men become more enlightened?

When we tout all the things that are meaningful traits that would contribute to a lasting, long relationship, are we putting all that above the physical? Obviously we want the both of best worlds: personality and looks, but what is more important?

How many people have you asked out or dated strictly on their looks? If you had prior knowledge someone that you were attracted to is a raging jerk, would that turn you off enough to keep it moving?

Basically, what I want to know is..how superficial are you? If you were to rate your superficial number based on 1 to 10 scale, with 10 being SHALLOW HAL.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

261 comments Add your comment

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
6:26 am

Superficial is not only measured by looks(physical). It is also measured by beliefs or wants(needs).
See;I won’t(don’t) cook.

Physicality just happens to be so there,glaring but…

But to be honest,every man appreciates a nice but and legs in a woman. If she has good wife(long term potential), the man hovers longer in order to explore further.

If she is shallow then the man goes for a shallower short term deal.

On the whole,u look for a happy balance.
Not too pretty(coz every man will want her and holla) and not too too serious(u don’t want a Margaret Thatcher All the damn time)

Good morning!!

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
6:57 am

My Shallow index is 6!

Good eye candy physicality then I want to peel the inside and peer thru after that.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
7:10 am

I kid and joke and cut-up sometmes (cause I always got a fan tailing me), but in all seriousness, for me substance wins hands down….EVERYTIME. I don’t need “Pretty Ricky”, eye-candy or some statuesque Adonis that ain’t worth his weight in gold. By the same token, I’ve always pretty much dated “handsome.” NEVER anything I aimed for or targeted. Matter of fact, I consider myself to be very average, still and even so, that’s just been the attraction. I have a “type”, but it’s nothing to do with looks but more so how a person acts, their drive and motivation towards getting a bang out of life. A person whose preferences and beliefs aligns with mine. IMO, it just makes better for meshing. I believe every individual should be their best person. From the inside out. I find absolutely nothing wrong with being attractive or being attracted to someone attractive. But the inside would have to match the outside.

Having said all of that, I don’t grant a pass to cute dudes if they violate. I’m not dealing with bullcrappery, disrespect, or being treated less than a lady…cause you’re cute. Nuh uh, not happening. I’ll happily take a pass and let someone else feel the honor of your cuteness….lol But that’s just how I’ve always been. I don’t see “looks” when it comes to that stuff.

Funny thing is while I’ve always dated someone whose beliefs and outlook on life pretty much aligns with mine, I always end up with someone whose is seemingly opposite of me when it comes to “personalities.” But it works…if that make sense. Quiet and mild manner, laid back and not one easily riled….and handsome :mrgreen: So, my point is you can do cute, handsome, not so cute, quiet, outspoken…whatever. As long as there’s substance (i.e. respect first and foremost, morals, etc)…I’m good with whomever.

Looks don’t EVER get a pass with me on behavior (esp towards women) that I deem not up to par or disrespectul or just plain lazy, or no drive. Substance goes a LOOOOONG way with me.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
7:14 am

Oh, and ahead of “Pretty Ricky”, I’ll take a crisp, clean cut, well shaven, nicely duded (jeans, suit, whatever) dude anyday :mrgreen:

lee

December 4th, 2012
7:16 am

As a lady my shallow index when i was younger was a 10. Now that i am older its more like a 5, give me the fat guy, short guy, bald — as long as he treats me right and is a good person, i am good.

Single and Happy Magnificent Monday

December 4th, 2012
7:17 am

Rate your superficial number based on 1 to 10 scale, with 10 being SHALLOW HAL.

I would say I’ve always been a 6, looks does not make up for attitude. Not worried about other men hollering at her, just like don’t know what wife material is either. My thing is, is this someone I would one to spend the rest or my life with, will I enjoy her everyday no matter what is going on with us.

How many people have you asked out or dated strictly on their looks?
Don’t think I’ve ever asked them out, but it is the first thing that I noticed.

Single and Happy Magnificent Monday

December 4th, 2012
7:19 am

Hello Lee, have we meet (LOL)

LeeH1

December 4th, 2012
8:24 am

To catch a fisherman, women need to learn how to fish. Beauty is simply the bait. But to have the man swallow the bait, to reel him in you need a good hook, and that is your character.

If the man swallows the bait, but finds there is nothing there, he will fight the hook and escape. If he realizes that he has a good thing, he will remain hooked to you.

But you have to make it worthwhile.

Timeless

December 4th, 2012
8:37 am

Nice transition, lee!

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
8:55 am

Now that i am older its more like a 5, give me the fat guy, short guy, bald

:lol: :lol: …………….OLDER WOMEN SETTLE! ………………………………………………………. :lol: :lol:

Button

December 4th, 2012
8:55 am

Good morning, that’s a good analogy LeeH1.
My shallowness is an 8, I like a good looking guy I can’t lie. I love having good looking things and people around me. After I find out there’s nothing underneath all that handsomeness I bow out gracefully. The good thing about it all is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Button

December 4th, 2012
8:57 am

OLDER WOMEN SETTLE! shuddup Exile! lol

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:06 am

And really, what’s beautiful to one is not the same to another. Cause I can’t really see “all that” with Idris Elba. IJS He’s okay but I don’t get all the hype. Now, Laz Alonzo….mmm mmm mmm and my my my

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:08 am

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:09 am

………and he’s fione too! Shoooot

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
9:11 am

:lol: @Button

Celisea…now the haters(some women) will besmirch Alonso and whisper, ‘pretty boy’…..trying to tag a ghey thing to him….

much like some dudes will label a chic the h word when they are spurned….

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
9:12 am

Button

December 4th, 2012
9:15 am

I’m with you on that Celisea, folks say that denzel washington is fine but I just don’t see it.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:16 am

….and one more…HUGH JACKMAN. Those two right there could get it with me. Okay, off to work now.

Love a chiseled dude…mmm mmm mmm

MMeello, such is life….lol There’s always some sort of stimga attached either way. They MUST being ho-ing if they’re fine. They (both guy and gal) MUST be desperate if they rate low. You gotta go for what you know and what YOU like. Forget all others and what they think.

There are plenty times women (as shallow as WE can be), will see a cutie and wonder what’s up with the women we might think is not so cute. Well, I for one don’t really do that…even though I want to be fair and say we. I get it. There’s something about her or him for that matter that they see, that maybe others can’t see. Substance, I’m guessing…lol I love it when women don’t “get it.” As it relates to a couple and what they see and how they mesh and what works for them, it matters not what other folks think.

But yeah, MMeello….folks will jump to conclusions based on folks hotness…or not

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:18 am

Button – When Denzel was younger, I always felt that way and still do….somewhat. He’s aging now so as it happens to us all, beauty fades. But with Denzie….he’s got chrisma. Don’t get me wrong, in his younger days, I felt he was a looker but for me it was the chrisma and that swagger (don’t shoot me) that ALWAYS oooozed through to make him be that “it” man, so many of us gush over. Plus I admire the fact that his wife is average. Not bad looking at all, but just a simply seemingly nice woman. I like that he didn’t go all out for arm candy :mrgreen:

MsAtl

December 4th, 2012
9:23 am

Morning All!
I would say that my shallow index is 4. I must have substance.
Ex- I’m with Button- zip it! I’m not settling.
Cel- I think both Idris & Alonso are pretty hot.

DuShawn

December 4th, 2012
9:24 am

I have had more than my share of beautiful idiots. We always would have similar interest and a thousand things to talk about………until I nut. Then the substance of our relationship is flushed away in a condom.

MsAtl

December 4th, 2012
9:25 am

Cel- yes to Denzel on that charisma. He has a presence and that makes him hot! His looks ain’t none too dad either.

Leggs

December 4th, 2012
9:28 am

Substance always wins. For me, superficiality doesn’t necessarily rests with someone’s look. More importantly, your character is front and center and that dictates how I respond to you and how I “see” you going forward. Depending on the events, it may be our last encounter. Looks are nice, but it’s not the #1 feature I look for.

Morning.

O/T: A little miffed this morning. Had a doctor’s apptmt only to stand outside a locked door having to call them and find out they moved locations a month ago. Confirmed my apptmnt (with a human) yesterday and nothing was said about their move. They apologized, agreed to knock off 3 months of my next co-pay. Nonetheless, so unprofessional. Have to research new doctors w/in my network!

Leggs

December 4th, 2012
9:33 am

MrsAtl/Button ~ not sure why folk believe the older you get the more you will settle. Perhaps some will, but I think more won’t. To have an idiot with a heartbeat and walking on all 2’s is not inviting. Naw, no need to settle anymore! Women are so more self-sufficient than back in the day. And for you Ex, not everyone is thirsty nor desperate!

Button

December 4th, 2012
9:33 am

WORTH REPEATING – You gotta go for what you know and what YOU like. Forget all others and what they think.

Button

December 4th, 2012
9:40 am

Leggs cos they’re idiots for thinking that way.

disco

December 4th, 2012
9:41 am

good morning.

celisea – I have to start with your post. you consider yourself average but have always dated handsome. just for conversation, do you generally think that the guys you date are the better looking one in the relationship? I ask because often times it seems like when it comes to looks most men date equal or “up”. of course, that’s not always the case. every now and again you’ll see a couple and wonder how did that one pull the other one? I was just asking your take on it.

personally, while handsome is great I’m bigger on physique than face so I’ll take the not so handsome man with the banging body over the handsome dude with a mediocre body. anyway, I got sidetracked. let me continue to read and see what others have to say.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:41 am

MsAtl – Sho nuff :)

Button

December 4th, 2012
9:43 am

Dushawn! smh

disco

December 4th, 2012
9:44 am

lee – to catch a fisherman a woman doesn’t necessarily need to know how to fish. she simply needs to know how to cast a net.

C – I like idris and laz. both are alright with me. of course, idris isn’t just straight head shot fine. his face is actually pretty regular. he’s package fine. it all comes together nicely.

button – I’ve never been on the denzel as sex symbol bandwagon either.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:45 am

disco – You asked “Do I think they’re the better looking one in the relationship?”

Nothing like that has ever crossed my mind. I don’t EVER feel below or beneath or subpar to any dude, no matter how cute…lol Ever. I do okay and apparently I must look okay cause I seemingly attract “okay.”

Button

December 4th, 2012
9:47 am

You can have all the substance and no looks but when you get into a tiff with said person you just might call them fugly in the heat of the moment (Im just being bad this morning)

disco

December 4th, 2012
9:48 am

C – just asking primarily because you described yourself as average and your man/exes as handsome. I recently saw an episode of king of queens where the waitress hit on doug and it threw carrie off because in her mind she was always the “looker” in the relationship. there was another episode of the same show when doug lost weight and was feeling kind of fly and that also threw carrie off her game. lol.

Lady~sunshine

December 4th, 2012
9:49 am

hmmmmmm with the topic! Howdy C & MIA!

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:53 am

disco – No biggie…lol I’m confident in who I am…inside and out! To the rest of your 9:48, see my 9:16. I’m NEVER one of those silly women (Carrie in your example), that gets thrown because of what I think “beauty” is or how it rate. I’ve always known and been able to understand that where there’s something wholesome there that a person’s partner can see but other can’t see with the naturally eye or I should say not apparent to those on the outside looking in (cause it ain’t in their looks), I get it. I don’t hate or make remarks or sniggle. I just get it.

When we see folks mixmatched, by our standards, usually the two loving each other can laugh. They know what they have in one another and usually are skipping along in laugh while folks on the outside, mainly single are still standing around looking perplexed.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:54 am

skipping along in life…not laugh

Heeeeeey Lady!! “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm” indeed….lolololol

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
9:55 am

okay…there were all kinds of typos in that…lol

MsAtl

December 4th, 2012
9:57 am

Leggs- Exactly! Maybe they think that way because the focus (in literature) is mostly how women are desparate to settle down due to their biological clock or maybe it is the theory that women outnumber men so women will take whomever glances twice? I don’t know, but definitely not true in my circle.

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
10:03 am

Disco…Celisea is calling herself ‘average’ coz she is modest….(Substance anyone?) :lol:

U want her to call herself ‘Fly’?….??.

How would that come across…to both men and women on the blog..
The blog females,naturally will hate another female…..its a known,women will hate on another just coz shes fly,her shoes are flly..blah blah.blah…even when they dont know her..

Then the blog men will be falling over themselves…..mentally thinking….let me see…

Meelo ofcourse will Demand a pic… :lol:

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
10:06 am

Mmeello – Ding ding ding ding ding….yooooou got it! Too it would just be presumptious to call yourself hot. Whether you are or aren’t. I know it’s a bit contradictory for me to say this, to what I’ve posted but really it’s the folks on the outside that should do the gauging….NOT YOU, YOURSELF. If a dude tells me he’s hot or fly, Imma take a pass, with the quickness.

Lady~sunshine

December 4th, 2012
10:08 am

lol @ Ex C what are you starting sis?!?

OAN: today is a bore abd drag :/ lol

MsAtl

December 4th, 2012
10:09 am

Exiled- Oh Ex, you buy into so many stereotypes. If a woman has on fly shoes, I don’t hate; I want to know where she got them. If another woman looks good, that is not an issue for me. I have no problem telling a woman I like her hair, dress, whatever. It takes nothing away from me because I know who I am and I am secure enough to recognize that there is enough room for plenty of good looking folks in the world.
Cel- Btw- if you’re wearing some fly shoes, then I demand a picture (of the shoes).

disco

December 4th, 2012
10:09 am

ex – I can respect modest. maybe she’s being modest. maybe she really views herself as average. it’s neither here nor there. I consider myself to be an average looking chick in a headshot. nothing special but I clean up nice. now, on body I rate myself higher because in my own opinion I happen to think I’m shaped up quite nice. personally, I wouldn’t “hate” on someone who said they were a dime or thought they were all that. if you don’t, who will. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m all about “respect the truth”.

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
10:11 am

Lady – Gurrrrrrrrl, just the average day (for me) in blogsville….lol

MsAtl – Yep, all day long. I’m cool feeling like a sister is doing the dang thing. I give nothing but props and love. I’m like you, I just might ask heeeey, where you find those or that?? lolol

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

December 4th, 2012
10:16 am

People with character and substance is who want no matter how they look. Cely you got substance, there’s nothing like a mature lady that’s gets it. I can’t get into who has this or that but when you stand firm with your beliefs and convictions that is character and substance.

Good Morning:
Sag’s time to rise.

DuShawn

December 4th, 2012
10:17 am

When I think of substance vs superficial, I’m reminded of this chick I dated years ago. She wasn’t the cutest girl in the world, but I really enjoyed her company. I would fall by her spot with the intentions of beating it; we would be in her bed with all our requirements in close proximity (ice, vodka, etc.), throw in a flick and then proceed to talk for hours. We would discuss our jobs, our relationship with the creator, current events, our political views or any other topic that came to mind. We would often over talk one another and then apologize for interrupting because we were both so eager to interject our opinions. Before you know it hours had passed, the porn done went off, a half a bottle of vodka has disappeared and we still had yet to get it in. We would laugh and finally concentrate on the matter at hand. In retrospect, I rarely took that girl on real dates because I didn’t think she was pretty enough to be on my arm. I guess I’m the one that lacked substance.

Exiled!

December 4th, 2012
10:18 am

Exiled- Oh Ex, you buy into so many stereotypes

MsAtl….nah….

see, u talking bout urself and u may be different…but

A lot of women..i mean a lot do that..in general……

Celisea

December 4th, 2012
10:18 am

Heeeeey Blackfoote – Thanks honey!!! I appreciate that :)

Blackfoote, I never got my birthday seafood dinner last year. We need to put something on the calendar for the Sags :) Two weeks!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

December 4th, 2012
10:24 am

We got to get that in Cely and you to Leggs we can’t let December get passed us this time around. Hope y’all doing well.