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Archive for December, 2012

Reflections of 2012

It is the last day of 2012 and naturally we tend to look back on the past year. What did we do right? What did we get wrong? The good, the bad, and the ugly of dating brings us closer to figuring out what we really want. Is there such thing as getting it wrong if you learned from the mistake?

While we ruminate on the past year, perhaps we can also identify what we DEFINITELY won’t be bringing into the new year. What should we leave behind in 2012? Sexting? Coffee dates? Facebook stalking? Facebook drama from Facebook stalking?

I also have seen a lot of people who have decided to do a purge on their cell phone contacts. I admit I have a couple of DNA (do not answers) in my phone, so I will delete them first! Then there are people who have clearly proven they don’t deserve a spot in my list of people to butt dial by accident. Those are second!

What will you leave in 2012? What will you try new in 2013?

I want to hug you ALL for checking the blog each day, week, month and …

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2012 Dating Vent

The best part of having dating misadventures is the lessons learned and the wisdom that comes from them (see what I did there?). So as the year is nearing it’s final end, I think it is important to air out any dating grievances you have. That way you can clean slate your dating record and start out on a positive note.

It’s been a good year of single life and boo’d up life, some make ups and break ups. Currently in a holding pattern with my beau so I don’t have many grievances, thankfully, but I do have a few:

1. Why is it SO hard for people to be loyal? I know it’s human nature to be self serving jerks, but would it kill us to actually be reliable and loyal? Especially to the people that have been loyal to you. I won’t hold grudges but my memory is long.

2. Sometimes people talk themselves out of relationships, romance, or sex. Know when to shut up and learn to recognize body language and facial expressions. If you are mid-conversation and realize that someone is looking …

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Dating: Opposed to couples therapy?

I want to start off saying I fully support seeking therapy. I recommend it, even. However, if have just met someone and we are not exclusively dating, couples therapy should not be required. It would be odd and inappropriate. What sort of issues have you uncovered in a three minute, yet to be determined relationship?

I told my friend Vincent that his new love interest may be a little high strung because she wants them to go see her pastor for counseling. Couples counseling. Again, not opposed to seeking therapy, but couples therapy when you’re not a couple? RED FLAG. They only met a few months ago and she has issues with how he communicates already. I guess she is the type to be proactive?

What do you think? Has anyone ever asked you to go to therapy with them? If you had a new relationship and hit rough patch already, would you be willing to work things out with a professional?

Would it bother you if the person you were dating had a therapist or life coach?

By Wise Diva, …

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Dating: Don’t fall in the gift trap!

I have sent out PSAs before about picking the wrong gifts for the person you have recently met and started to date (Brief recap: Porn and lingerie won’t go over well). I feel the need to also warn single people of the gift trap.

People can sometimes place totally unrealistic, utterly silly expectations on a gift. What it means, what message is being sent, etc. It’s a gift trap, guys. The way to stay out of the gift trap is to first make sure you both are on the same page in terms of commitment!

You don’t want to be faced with getting an extravagant gift as you hand over a $5.00 iTunes gift card (Awwkwaaaard). You also don’t want to be the only one actually buying a gift. That will only lead to “Are they into me the same way I’m into them?” worries. This will kill any sexy time you have planned. It’s lose-lose, man.

Play it safe and avoid the pitfalls of the gift trap: Know your status. Clarify if a gift exchange is planned. Keep the exchange as even as possible as not to …

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Butt pads have to come off, eventually

In his new book, It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be), my buddy Paul Carrick Brunson actually titled a chapter “Butt Pads Have to Come Off” and yes I giggled like a 3rd grader.

We have all been guilty of “playing up our strengths” and “putting our best foot forward” when we first meet someone. Unfortunately, some people take it too far. I always make a point to have brunch with a new guy I am dating. I secretly call it my Diva-light Brunch (shut up, it’s cute).

I purposely dress down, wear no makeup, and show up barely looking presentable. I do this because as much as I love to go all glam and girly, I want the guy I marry to know the real me. The me that gets cranky in the mornings (most?). The real me that hates being ignored but does not jockey for attention. The real me who hates wearing uncomfortable shoes for countless hours. That is the me he is obligated to love too, right?

I have heard that men sometimes wonder who is really underneath all the hair …

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Should you unlearn some behavior?

I had a long talk with a guy friend about his constant dishonesty with women. He admits that his motivation to mislead women is rooted in deep distrust – mostly unwarranted. I was surprised to hear that he learned this from his own father. He has always believed that lying to women was basically part of being a real man.

He says things like “need to know basis” or “I tell her what I want her to know” all the time. Then is genuinely shocked when his flings or relationships don’t last. This made me think about the many attitudes, and ideas we have about love and relationships are learned from what we have seen or heard from other people. It can be a dangerous trend, though – especially when our behavior is shaped by them.

Do you ever wonder if there are some dating habits you need to unlearn? What about some of your attitudes or behaviors about the opposite sex? Are they informed by your own experiences or from others?

Do you remember that little kid Kenny from The Cosby …

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When should the benefits run out?

There are some “friends with benefits” situations that never should have started. The arrangement rarely turns out “all good” but somehow FWB tend to last longer than they should. Why is that, though? If you have someone waiting in the wings, how much real effort do you devote to finding something more meaningful?

I feel as if there are certain signs that let you know when the benefits of Friends with Benefits should run out. It should not have to come to a messy end, though. I believe the key is being proactive and getting real about where things stand. Tell the truth when your feelings have changed.

Have you ever gone had a friends with benefits situation? How did you know when to cut it off? How long should FWB situations really last?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

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Dating: Are you getting better?

I ran into a guy who I was friends with when I first moved to Atlanta. We worked together and would always swap dating horror stories. The last we spoke, he was trying to end things with his girlfriend who treated him horribly. When we caught up over drinks, he started telling me almost the exact same scenario that he was facing 7 years ago.

I had to stop him and ask, “Wait, am I tripping or did you already date this girl?!” I had to break down the pattern that he clearly has had attracting the same type of woman. He wasn’t getting better at dating, or mate selection. I actually think he got worse. This latest dating misadventure seems a lot crazier!

As I left him, I had this horrifying thought that maybe I had the same problem and did not know it. What if after all these years, I haven’t learned a thing! Do you ever worry that you have a pattern when it comes to attraction and relationships?

If you charted your dating evolution, would you be able to see wiser choices …

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Worried about married sex life?

One of many reasons I have heard single men site for their reluctance to marrying is the sex life of a married couple. Apparently, single men are having such great hot, frequent sex (pardon my sarcasm!), that once they marry someone, it will all go away. This is what grown men say they are seriously worried about?

I try not to knock them too much for this but it seems like yet another cop out men use as an excuse to stay single. I’m sure the sex for married people will differ from when you are single – heck, it should! I just don’t believe this automatically means boring or dull.

Is this a legitimate reason to avoid marriage? Maybe I am being too critical. Are women worried about this too?

If you are married, did you talk about how you would handle problems in your sex life? What would you do or say when your needs were not being met?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

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Relationships: That’s not love?

If you have ever been in love before – you know the feeling of euphoria and butterflies in your stomach. It’s as terrifying and exhilarating as jumping out of an airplane must feel like. There really is no other feeling quite like that! Sadly, once you have had that intense emotion, you pretty much judge all relationships by that standard.

Do you think it is a good thing, though? What happens when we spend so much time chasing that same feeling that we had once before? Is it fair to compare to that time you fell so hard?

If you don’t feel that same kind of emotion and passion for someone, does that mean you are really not in love?

A lot of people are lucky enough to have had that feeling once. So how do you know when it’s not love just because you feel differently?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

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