accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Does she have your back?

I was having dinner with a group of friends recently when the topic of loyalty came up. A lot of the men believed that a woman who was not loyal or unable to show support, is put in the category for “recreational purposes” only. In other words, they don’t take her seriously.

Most of the guys agreed that when a man sees that his woman supports him and has his back, it makes a huge difference in how he relates to her. It is something that a lot of men value when they have it, and can definitely tell when they don’t. How hard is it to find a loyal woman to date though?

I figured women are already hard wired to be nurturing and supportive. Surely, they meet many women who can have their back, right? Noooooope. Apparently, some women find it difficult to do, and some men think this is the reason their dating relationships don’t work out.

What do you think? Do you generally meet and date people who seem willing and able to be supportive? Do you think this is something that is only shown over time within a committed relationship?

If you are in a relationship now, do you feel like they have your back? How long did it take before you felt that they did

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

187 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
6:58 am

Hey all

Not being the type of person to talk about doing things, my first thought is how can I instead of why I can’t, I can’t say that I’ve needed or even thought about someone being supportive after my teen years. Usually when I mention something to someone, the wheels are in motion to make it happen.

lee

November 15th, 2012
7:35 am

Its a two way street, not a one way. I find men to be its all about them, then they get pissed when you aren’t there and all of a sudden you don’t have their back. Really, so when i need something it gets dismissed but when you need something i am wrong. I find that interesting..
When i was married my X would get stuck, lost his credit card – and i drove all over the damn place to help him, I got stuck with my car on the highway, lets just say thank god i had triple A other wise i would still be on the side of the road. Oh thats terrible he goes.

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
7:59 am

Lee, in your scenario, it would be a 2 way street, you were just with the wrong man.

Exiled!

November 15th, 2012
8:14 am

Lee…agree with Single,that wasn’t even a ‘man’

On topic: a woman having my back does not necessarily translate to her doing something for me. Simple things like her just mouthing support may be enough for me to know she cares.

And sometimes,even before you get a step in the relationship,she will give you signals by how she mouthes off,what she won’t do..blah blah blah…u know uall like to sound off and blow hot air bout stuff….’I ain’t gonna do this..I ain’t gonna do that’ all the while,your mouth is full,you can hardly be audible as we sitting down at dinner and you eating the food I’m buying.

:lol: that’s when you know she won’t have ur back.

So you put her in the ‘recreational binder’

Scratch my back I scratch yours.

Having the man’s back is more valuable than offering your unAlbertinanized coochie! :lol:

It’s more solid!

Exiled!

November 15th, 2012
8:18 am

Good morning MIA!,my bad.

I ain’t rude,u know that!

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
8:22 am

Dang ex we’re agreeing, WTH (LOL) yea if you don’t listen to those early warning signs then you get what you get.

Most of the time in my situation it’s that I won’t have there back, then when I bring all the times I’ve had their back without hesitation, then I’m throwing it up in their face. :shock:

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
8:38 am

O/T very early this AM

ABC Report Why Successfull Black Women Find It So Hard To get Married this is 2 years old, but hmmmmm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL6uVLfKRoo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote Ready

November 15th, 2012
8:55 am

I wouldn’t want to be watched like a baby but having my back is a good compliment. It is a two way street but men should be the provider and protector. Women have power and they know having their man’s back go a long way for his own sense of security. That will motivate him into respecting his relationship when he knows she will protect his back.

Lee

November 15th, 2012
8:56 am

Single yes he was wrong. Just not a man. That is why he is an X and that was a small samle of his childish behavior. oh well.. we live and learn.. only to learn some new stuff. :)
i like this saying: If someone doesn’t appreciate your presence make them appreciate your absence.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote Ready

November 15th, 2012
8:57 am

Good Morning!
I’m backing in here.

Comon Cents

November 15th, 2012
8:57 am

Having the man’s back is more valuable than offering your unAlbertinanized coochie!

So, I don’t have to have his back because I’m Albertinaized? :lol:

On topic~ I agree with S/H & Exiled. (Who knew?!?) What is the point of having a significant other if you don’t look out for each other? In this day and age, the world is a cold, cold place. It’s nice to have someone who you know has your best interests at heart.

Good Morning, bloggies!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote Ready

November 15th, 2012
9:02 am

Where’s the drinks, breakfast bar, and most important the women?

disco

November 15th, 2012
9:09 am

good morning folks. I’m all for loyalty. I’m incredibly loyal. once I’m down for you, I’m down for you. of course, once I’m done with you, I’m good and done. thing is not everyone even deserves loyalty. some folks think you are supposed to be loyal to them on GP. hate to say it but it just don’t work like that. I still can’t stand a whiney A man (or woman) who acts like they can’t do a daggone thing without someone encouraging and supporting them along the way.

Dani

November 15th, 2012
9:13 am

Good Morning- I had my ex’s back, he didn’t have mine. That’s why he is my ex. Sometimes you put in more than what you get out of an relationship. You live and you learn.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote Ready

November 15th, 2012
9:17 am

disco how are you I agree with you can’t go round being loyal to every body that happens by.

Comon Cents

November 15th, 2012
9:20 am

Dani~ That begs the question (yeah, Imma be the one to throw out the elephant in the room and ruin the harmony) How does one determine what is loyalty and having your back and what is not?

I too have an ex and if you ask him, he would say that he had my back just not in the ways I expected him to.

(By the way, just playing devil’s advocate here) :lol:

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote Ready

November 15th, 2012
9:24 am

“I had my ex’s back, he didn’t have mine”

Did you think he would come around at any time?

disco

November 15th, 2012
9:25 am

dani – re putting in and getting out. I’m constantly advising folks to pay attention to the balance on that one. I’ve been deemed a “scorekeeper” and a “tit for tat” type. not saying I expect 50/50 because that can be unrealistic but folks better make sure their side of the scale ain’t about to touch the ground. ijs.

hey blackfoote.

Bluzgirl

November 15th, 2012
9:29 am

I’ve also had a man’s back when he didn’t have mine. That is why he’s an ex.

I’m a very loyal girlfriend and friend. I will have your back when it’s called for. BUT…if you are wrong, I will call you on it as well.

Good morning bloggers. I’m sitting here hoping I’m not coming down with something. My throat has been sore for two days…ugh!!!

Dani

November 15th, 2012
9:35 am

Loyalty begins and ends with fidelity to me. After that is gone I will treat you like you are mofo off the streets.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
9:36 am

Bluz
That’s what’s the happening is all about becoming friends, lovers, and loyal lovers. Sound easy doesn’t it but reality kicks in the door sometimes and leaves us frail. May need to see your doctor for that sore throat before it change into strep.

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 15th, 2012
9:39 am

If you are in a relationship now, do you feel like they have your back?
yup
How long did it take before you felt that they did
he was always a consummate gentleman and a man of his word. he made it clear that he was to be depended upon w/o question. that’s his character. and i’m his woman, so ….

s/o has told me that he has accomplished so much more because i believe he can accomplish so much more. that really touched me because i have never considered NOT believing in all that he is and is yet to be.

morning, all.
two more days; still not packed. :sad:

Dani

November 15th, 2012
9:39 am

disco- You are right about pay attention to balance. I didn’t in the past.

Comon Cents

November 15th, 2012
9:42 am

Dani~ So fidelity is it? I know that for me, it’s more than that. Fidelity is important, but I also expect that if things are getting to be too much for me, you will pick up some of the slack just to ease the amount of pressure on me. Of course, that is a two way street.

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 15th, 2012
9:43 am

BUT…if you are wrong, I will call you on it as well.
just between us, tho. i will always front on his side.
honestlly, i may or may not even call him on it. just depends coz sometimes he already knows and there’s just no need to rub it in.

my ex had so many chicks watching his back, i was able to quietly slip away and leave him well covered.

Toria

November 15th, 2012
9:45 am

I must admit I haven’t been loyal to every man I’ve dated. I didn’t feel as if they were loyal to me, so it didn’t make me want to give them that.

The man I’m dating now is in the military and is currently deployed. Nothing like 6000 miles to test loyalty. From the beginning he was different. He’s not one to express his feelings verbally, but he shows love and care through his actions. The biggest one– he helped me study for my finals right before he left (I’m in grad school). He has no interest or background in what I’m studying and sacrificed 2 days of his off time to help me study.

He was scared at first because his last girlfriend wasn’t loyal. She couldn’t handle his career and broke up with him 2 days after he went into basic training. So it took a minute for him to realize I’m down for him through whatever. I send him care packages, talk about anything to get his mind off of where he is, and tell him how proud I am of him. It took him a while to realize that my feelings don’t change just because his geography did.

MsAtl

November 15th, 2012
9:45 am

Morning All!
Like Dani & Bluz, I had my ex’s back period! He thought having my back meant doling out money. Having someone’s back means much more than that.
Ex- you are absolutely right, sometimes it means emotional support.
Comon- yes, it is nice toknow someone has your best interests at heart and loyalty is a two-way street.
A friend of mine asked the question on FB the other day- which would you rather have in a partner; love or loyalty? I chose love because in my opinion love includes loyalty. However, you can be loyal out of fear (as with pimps and mobsters). I thought it was an interesting question.

Bluzgirl

November 15th, 2012
9:46 am

BF – You’re right…it sounds easy and it should be easy. Unfortunately, too many people are quick to take advantage of a loyal person.

I’m hoping maybe it’s just the weather changes that have me feeling blah, but if my throat still hurts by this afternoon, I’ll call my doctor. I’m just trying to get through work. I was out 1.5 days last week because I was sick and sure hope I don’t really get sick this time! Too much to do this weekend!!!

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
9:48 am

Disco, why you got to be a score keeper see my 8:22

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
9:48 am

There need to be a balance and most times it’s not always gonna be 50/50, sometimes the scales can dip to 70/30. Don’t panic the scales always move up and down, when it stops going up that’s where you find your issues.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
9:56 am

Single when you do things often sometimes that’s not taken as having their back it’s taken as I got a sucker…………..LOL

Been there and done it too.

disco

November 15th, 2012
9:57 am

Mrs. Atl – your post makes me think of sonny in Bronx tale. the talk with colojero re being feared or respected. lol. (you know almost everything takes me back to a movie)

S/H – I don’t keep a literal scorecard but cool believe I’m always paying attention to what I’m putting in and what I’m getting out. if I ever feel like I’m doing too much or way more than someone is attempting to do for me it’s time to re-evaluate the situation. I will not be in a one-sided relationship with a grown man. bump that.

BF – re those scales. yep. that’s what i’m talking about.

Leggs

November 15th, 2012
10:01 am

If we are dating, I would like to believe/feel that we have each other’s back. Until something comes up that tells me I need to abandon ship, I will have your back. You don’t receive what you don’t give.

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
10:04 am

Black, disco, it’s not the score card, but more of the Janet Jackson song, “What Have You Done For Me Lately” and usually when I start hearing how I don’t have their back that’s my cue it’s time to leave.

disco

November 15th, 2012
10:07 am

for me loyalty also entails other smaller scale things like the fact that I can talk about you like a dog but I won’t sit by and let someone else do it in my presence. or maybe I’ll keep a little faux pas on your part to myself because I know if it got out folks would clown you. sure, I’ll clown you but that’s between us. loyalty isn’t always die hard.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
10:08 am

Hey Leggs, the man that have your back aint gon let you abandon no ship beleive me on this……….LOL

disco

November 15th, 2012
10:11 am

S/H – well if we are going to turn this into songs I’ll have to go with CeCe Peniston. keep on walking. “you can just go. walk on. keep on”. lol. still, I’m always tickled by men and women who claim that their happiness comes solely from making the other person happy and that other person is beating them, using them, cheating on them, whatever and they just keep trying and trying and trying to make the other person love them. crazy I tell ya.

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
10:12 am

For the guys, how would you need your woman’s support?

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
10:13 am

LOL……….disco I agree again, just like at family reunions. We can cut up with each other but we won’t let an outsider come in and cut up a member of the family.

Button

November 15th, 2012
10:13 am

Good morning, I agree with Single, Exile and Common..Blackfoote you said it too.

I consider myself a loyal person by default. In a relationship loyalty is right next to love. The two go hand in hand. What good is it to have love but no loyalty and vice versa.

Do you generally meet and date people who seem willing and able to be supportive? Yes, my guy supports me in eating healthy which influences him to eating healthier and also encouraging me with excercising and decluttering my life, me on the other hand I support him with being a sounding board and keeping him grounded.

If you are in a relationship now, do you feel like they have your back? Yes
How long did it take before you felt that they did? I can’t pinpoint exactly how long but it wasn’t immediatley for sure. It was a natural process. It’s safe to say I didn’t notice until I noticed it.

Single and Happy

November 15th, 2012
10:15 am

Disco, that sounds more like someone that has to feel needed no matter what. If you keep doing the same ole stupid $iht and keep getting the same stupid results, don’t keep coming to me crying cause i’m going to push you in the back, not have your back.

MsAtl

November 15th, 2012
10:18 am

Disco- good movie! I don’t do strict tit-for-tat or think things have to be 50-50, but there has to be some balance, some give and take.
I used to believe that you supported your mate through whatever, but not anymore! I had to realize how bad it was when I received a call asking for help with a legal situation and had to say “Are you crazy? We are in the middle of a nasty divorce and you still expect me to have your back?” Now I can only laugh at that.
Now I pay more attention to what I am withdrawing as well as depositing. I have cut several people from my life over the past year. When you hear from someone three times a year and always to borrow money, don’t bother! Then they can’t even call, they send a text message? Are you kidding me? It took some doing because I am a nurturer at heart and was raised to help others, but mama didn’t raise no fool and I ain’t up for being used.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 15th, 2012
10:24 am

Until something comes up that tells me I need to abandon ship, I will have your back. You don’t receive what you don’t give.

Worth repeating…

That sums it all up with a pretty pink bow on top.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

November 15th, 2012
10:24 am

Single all she has to do is say she’s proud of me as her man and I’m good.

Leggs

November 15th, 2012
10:31 am

Morning BF!

Now I pay more attention to what I am withdrawing as well as depositing. – ON POINT!

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 15th, 2012
10:39 am

Leggs…mail call

disco

November 15th, 2012
10:42 am

I knew a guy who used to always say either you are adding and multiplying or dividing and subtracting. lol.

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 15th, 2012
10:43 am

or maybe I’ll keep a little faux pas on your part to myself because I know if it got out folks would clown you.
lol @ disco. i’ve been told i have too much damaging info. if i try to leave, i’ll be shot on the spot.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 15th, 2012
10:52 am

Really y’all..did everyone stay home to play hookie? Or are people actually working

Bluzgirl

November 15th, 2012
10:57 am

MsAtl – I’m with you. I have dropped a few friends over the past couple of years due to one-sided friendships. It was hard to do because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in the end, it was all better. I felt more free having cut them out…