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Dating: Other people’s opinion

A lot of us are taking home dates for the holidays..some for the first time. You may want to prepare yourself (and your date!) for the onslaught of opinions from parents, distant relatives, and/or close friends.

They may have opinions about the way your date is dressed, their manners, or even the way they treat you when everyone is around. When you are surrounded by people that love you, they tend to be a bit opinionated, a tad judgmental about the people that you date. The key is how you handle all those well-intentioned comments and opinions.

What is the best way to handle a situation where your family is putting your date through the wringer? Do you abandon them and let them fend for themselves? Do you run interference and serve as a buffer to protect them from awkward conversations?

Have you ever taken a date home for the holidays and it turned into a disaster?

Would you break up with someone if they didn’t fare well with the “meet the family” introductions?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

239 comments Add your comment

lee

November 14th, 2012
6:35 am

I never had those issues. My family is not quick to make comments –all i ever received was he seems nice. Guess were not judgmental at the first meeting, people take time to get to know. If the person is “bad egg” it will come out, hopefully you find that out first before bring that person to meet family.

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
6:59 am

I handled that problem along time ago, by letting my family know that when it comes to who I’m dating their opinion really doesn’t matter because they’re dating me not them.

Usually any opinion that your family forms comes from you! And most of the time it’s not a good opinion because we tend to only tell the bad side of people.

Opinions should only be giving when asked for!!

Exiled!

November 14th, 2012
8:17 am

I never took the ‘disasters’ to meet the parents! :lol;

The ‘disasters’ stayed in the streets.

But relatives will comment,if not in your face,they will after you two are gone.

Try to Not make it a case of good riddance,’ oh her cooking was atrocious,she sloppy dresser,she got a fake smile,ohh she big etc’

And are you’ll going to book a hotel room or your folks(patents) are going to put you in the same bedroom at their house?

If you are in the same room at the parents house,please please,just let go of the humping at least until you are back to your place. These house walls are thin!

’she too loud’ and :eyeroll: are comments and facials that will make the holiday a forgettable one for u.

disco

November 14th, 2012
9:21 am

good morning guys. this one is funny to me. in my family the whole “meet the family” thing is a test of sorts. it’s the final frontier. not so much because the family’s opinion matters but because we need to know if a person can hold their own. if you can be dropped off in the mix with my people and come out unscathed you are good to go. if you can join in the fray (whatever the fray might be) and get in where you fit in, you are good to go. if you are sensitive, easily intimidated, stand off to the side acting all uppity like you are too good you might not last. who really wants the s/o that they have to hand hold and babysit at all family functions. if we are playing cards or dominoes or something you might want to holler out “I got next”. if we are cracking jokes you might want to say something funny or at least laugh when someone else says something funny. am I saying don’t be yourself? nope. just saying I hope you are versatile and open minded enough to find your niche.

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
9:25 am

Good Morning, bloggies!

I’m with Single; I never get the comments because I have made it clear up front that your opinion doesn’t matter because this is who I chose.

That being said, it is always nice when the family comes back and likes the person. It makes the holidays much smoother.

I have only had one disaster. A cousin showed up at a family function and my new boyfriend was her ex. :shock: She had apparently dated him when they both lived in South Georgia and it had not ended well. She spent the whole function trying to get “closure” from him. Needless to say, that was a very short lived relationship…

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 14th, 2012
9:41 am

Have you ever taken a date home for the holidays and it turned into a disaster?

I’ve only ever done that once in my life and it went well.

Off to lab meeting..read y’all in a bit…

Good Mornting All :mrgreen:

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
9:47 am

“When you are surrounded by people that love you, they tend to be a bit opinionated, a tad judgmental about the people that you date.” – I agree, but more importantly, I think they have the ability to objectively see him possibly a little more clearer than you may.

I feel it’s normal for family to put your date through a certain questioning period, not necessarily to make them squirm but to gauge what their intentions are. And, of course, you do not abandon them. Pretty sure the dates have been given the rundown on the family members beforehand. As been mentioned, some families know not to say anything.

I remember when my ex took me home to meet this family. I thought it mighty sweet that they seemed so close and loving. They welcomed me only to find out later they had daggers behind their backs and the entire clan is bat isht crazy!

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
9:51 am

Morning!

Can’t say that I’ve had any disasters from bringing men to meet the family. I will say, however, that I have learned that maybe I should listen to what the family thinks…at least a little bit! They have been right so far!

So…my parents and several friends met the Young One Friday night and he got a lot of approval. My mom has asked me if I’d like to invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner! She must have liked him! I told her I’d have to think about it because it really is soon. I have invited him to a housewarming party for one of my friends on Friday, so he gets to meet a whole new group of my friends! :-)

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
9:56 am

Sooo, Bluz, what about the “broke” part? Have you talked to him and cleared that piece up?

abc

November 14th, 2012
10:04 am

Sounds to me like the rudest family ever. I’d expect my family to treat my date with courtesy and respect, period, no matter what. And, I know they would. If they had any misgivings, they’d lay them on me later.

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
10:09 am

abc~ Exactly!

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
10:25 am

abc ~ I definitely agree with you and would prefer it to be that way. However, nothing wrong with some want to ask questions.

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
10:29 am

Speaking of the holidays, does anyone have the relative that you don’t get along with that you will have to see this holiday season? If so, how do you handle it?

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
10:30 am

Comon – He gets his first pay check from his new job tomorrow. I have to give him credit that he told me he was broke on Friday, yet he still came to my party and hung out all night with me. He didn’t have to. He could have blown it off because he is broke. Things will be better tomorrow. He’s been down about the money situation.

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
10:32 am

Good! Sounds like he might be trying to pull it together!

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
10:33 am

comon, in my family we try to be cordial, but we say what we have to say. and if things get to far out of hand, that’s my cue it’s time to leave. :-D

disco

November 14th, 2012
10:33 am

CC – my family is straight “clique-ish”. there’s all kinds of under currents about who likes who and who doesn’t eff with who. in particular – no big surprise – several family members don’t like me. it’s not personal so much as I “came up” and apparently am “brand new” and suddenly think I’m better than some of them. of course that’s not true but it is what it is. generally when I (or they arrive) we do the obligatory hug, what’s up, how you been, whatever and then we may stay out of each other’s space for the rest of the visit. a lot of it trickles down too. there’s a lot of folks who treat my son the same way on GP because I apparently raised him to think he’s better. it’s a bunch of hogwash but family is family.

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
10:35 am

Comon – Yeah…he really wants to pull it together, so I know he will. He’s not a lazy slacker like other men I’ve been with! :-)

MsAtl

November 14th, 2012
10:37 am

Morning All!
I’ve only introduced 2 men to my family. They are not the type to rag a person at the meeting, but will give me their opinion later.
ABC- I agree with your comment. dates should be treated with respect & courtesy.
When I was taken to meet a man’s family, I was treated very well. It really puts you at ease. This is the way I am when my children have brought dates home to meet me. I try to get to know the person and make them feel welcome.

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
10:38 am

Regarding being around relatives you don’t get along with…this year will be different because my aunt is moving down here from MD. She was on her way down a couple of weeks ago when she fell and broke her hip up in Greeville…she should be here this weekend. Anyway…I haven’t known her since I was 10-12. She really screwed over the family, but mom has let her back in. It will just be weird to get to know her…

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
10:39 am

Bluz, not trying to rain on your parade, but take your time and wait till the newness wears off to make those kinds of decisions, just enjoy the moment.

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
10:41 am

disco, now if your family thinks you’re all uppity, aren’t they going to think your date is uppity too? IJS (LOL)

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
10:43 am

Re: Awkward family situations~ Here’s the deal. I am not close with my brother (we don’t hate each other, we just don’t eff with each other on a social level) Most years, he and his family are out of town for Christmas. (They go on cruises, family vacays, whatnot) For whatever reason, they have decided to stay home this year and apparently my SIL called my mother and said that they would like to have Christmas at their house this year. (To give you the lay of the land, my brother lives 20-30 mins from me and if I see him 2x’s a year that’s a lot!) So, long story short, I told the hubs that I am on the verge of saying screw it and we go to his people for Christmas this year. (We usually alternate holidays. If we spend Thanksgiving with his family, we spend Christmas with mine and vice versa)

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
10:44 am

Bluz ~ you were saying you hoped he didn’t show up. Glad you two had a good time.

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
10:48 am

Dang comon, I see we have something in common, I’m the same way with my brother, and he stays 20 to 30 mins from me (LOL) Usually we’re cordial, for my mothers sake :-)

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
10:49 am

It’s rare for me to spend any of the holidays with my family (NY, now Minnesota). Have a niece in NC that I’m not particularly close to thanks to her mother, who I haven’t gotten along with since air hit my lungs coming out the womb. So, if my sister and I should be in the same room during the holidays, let’s say there may be a few Jerry Springer moments!

disco

November 14th, 2012
10:57 am

S/H – I wouldn’t be surprised if my family isn’t laying bets on who I bring home if/when I ever get around to taking somebody home.

I don’t have any family members locally and that is by design.

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
11:02 am

Single – I really do feel like I’m taking it slow. No rushing into a relationship with this one. Really need to get to know him better…

Leggs – Did I say that I hoped he didn’t come? Well…I’m glad he did. He adores me and is so very sweet! I’m not used to a guy who adores me…

Single and Happy

November 14th, 2012
11:08 am

Okay bluz, only you really know :-)

kimmie

November 14th, 2012
11:12 am

Hey Gang!

My family has always been cordial to anyone I’ve brought around, but they will definitely voice their opinion later when he’s gone. There have only been about 2 that rubbed them the wrong way. They are all a bit boughie, so they watch their decorum. I’ve never brought anyone around they just hated, but I have gotten the “he’s okay, but you can do better” comment from some. That comment is the kiss of death with the boughies!

I have pretty much been able to avoid the discomfort of such family gatherings anyway. First, I choose pretty carefully anyway. I don’t deal with trash and don’t bring it around my family. So if I bring you around, you’re already pretty special to me. And I never badmouthed any guys to my family when I got mad at them for something. Because of course, that’s all they will remember when they see him, long after I’ve forgiven him.

I’ve never had any issues with any guy’s family when they took me around them. There were times I got along better with them than I did the dude!

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
11:15 am

I hear you Bluz. If that’s the case, let him adore you and let the relationship simmer for a long time, before you get to the “percolating” stage. Enjoy.

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 14th, 2012
11:15 am

What is the best way to handle a situation where your family is putting your date through the wringer? Do you abandon them and let them fend for themselves? Do you run interference and serve as a buffer to protect them from awkward conversations?
an artful combo of the two. he must be able to hold his own; but i’m not gonna let him wallow in an uncomfortable situation.

Have you ever taken a date home for the holidays and it turned into a disaster?
nope. all four men i’ve dated since age 16 have come home to the fam during holidays and/or special family occasions. all have been well-received and enjoyed getting to know mi gente.

Would you break up with someone if they didn’t fare well with the “meet the family” introductions?
oh yeah. but i’m pretty good at selecting the “type” that melds well with me & mine.

disco, i can identify with your family dynamic. we are hugely witty and sarcastic. if you’re easily befuddled, you’ll be miserable around us. and we’re not likely to tone it down for a newbie’s benefit. either get with it or let the entire evening fly right over your head.

s/o & his fam met my fam all at the same time. it was dreadful. they all stayed clustered together and quiet while we let the zingers fly. never disrespectful … just smart-assy.
but hey, that’s my gang. *shrugs*

HiYas!

disco

November 14th, 2012
11:17 am

kimmie – I love my family dearly. I make no bones about most of them being very rough around the edges. your post about your family made me think about Brewster place. I watched some of it recently. don’t know if you remember the scene where robin givens escorted cora (the chick with all the stray babies – lol) to the play and cora put on her airs about going to the theatre. lol. it made me think of my peeps. they are a little unrefined but they try to step up when they have to.

disco

November 14th, 2012
11:20 am

brat – you just big chopped?

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 14th, 2012
11:22 am

yup :grin:
it’s just so aaaahhhh!

disco

November 14th, 2012
11:24 am

well good for you. I was a transition-er myself but I’m always impressed with the choppers. funny thing is when I wore my hair relaxed I was very fond of short cuts. when I started growing it out natural I wasn’t too sure how comfortable I’d be with the chop.

kimmie

November 14th, 2012
11:25 am

disco – Yes, I remember that from Brewster!! I love that movie!!

We’ve got a pretty cool mix of all kinds in my fam. Like yours, even the unrefined ones try to step it up when necessary. Mainly because, at least on my father’s side, those that are unrefined are that way cause they choose to be! They know what time it is though. And those that get “too boughie” get shot down too!LOL!!

Celisea

November 14th, 2012
11:26 am

I do absolutely NOTHING based on other people’s opinions. Never have and never will (as long as I can help it). I will say I’m a bit more “tolerant” of folks than I was younger. Meaning, folks got issues cause I seem nonempathetic?? Umm, okay and I guess too bad…lol I just let it turn to being their issue…lol I find serenity in letting folks say and think what they want, whether it’s about me, my choice in a mate, so forth and so on. I said all that to say, it matters not one iota.

My guy is not perfect, I’m not perfect but we vibe. He “likes” me and more importantly, he “gets” me, which is essential to being able to relate. I’d actually been getting acquainted with him much longer than revealed….with my fam, friends and even mentioning on the blog. I didn’t feel a debut was necessary too early on. My fam though, the few he’s met seems okay with him. Mainly because I don’t do jokers, bums, nodogooders, etc. So, it’s kind of like, they already know. I tend to have a pretty good “good dude” radar…lol A few of them he met at my nephew’s wedding but mostly those were arm’s length kinkfolks….lol So far, we are good to go in heading to Savannah for Thanksgiving with a couple of friends so, no, many won’t meet him during that holiday. We’ll see how Christmas goes. Still, my life, my choice.

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
11:27 am

‘… they all stayed clustered together and quiet while we let the zingers fly. never disrespectful … just smart-assy.” – I smiled. I can only imagine!!!

czBrat ♀ birth date: 11/21; big chop: 11/12

November 14th, 2012
11:36 am

lmao @ leggs. he is a mild version of how tony his people can be, and i’m a mild version of how raucous my people can be.
he and i are just enough to suit each other, but that mega-mix was not pretty. uh-uh. not at all.

well good for you.
thanx! i tried to go for a full year transition, only made it 8 months. my hair had always been mid-back length, but i’m surprisingly happy with the short do.
my mother, however, is probably gonna stroke out on the tarmac. :sad:

Exiled!

November 14th, 2012
11:37 am

Be nice to your family members at least.

We are all strangers and extras in this theatre!

Celisea

November 14th, 2012
11:44 am

I didn’t say I walk around mean mugging and getting folks told, etc etc etc…lol That’s apart of me evolving. Just smile, nod, say a couple of plesantries and K.I.M. That’s something I had to learn. Outside of that? Shrugs

That was for MMeello

Celisea

November 14th, 2012
11:46 am

That was for MMeello, if that 11:37 was for me….lolol If it wasn’t never mind :)

Why am I not hungry today? I know, it will hit be as soon as the cafe closes.

disco

November 14th, 2012
11:47 am

ex – my family actually does well at holidays but there seems to be a fight (or some level of drama) at almost every single family reunion.

Leggs

November 14th, 2012
12:02 pm

czB ~ I would be in the cut laughing watching the zingers fly by. I have a cousin who’s wit is quick but not as snarky as I can be so we piggyback off each other. Lots of laughter.

Family reunions, family drama go hand in hand.

Bluzgirl

November 14th, 2012
12:04 pm

disco – for some reason, my family always seems to fight at the holidays also. It’s only a few of us! Usually, it involves my brother…

Comon ¢

November 14th, 2012
12:04 pm

Leggs~ Not with my family. (Hence ther eason I perfer to hang out with the hubs family) My family all sits around and ignores the Big Pink Elephant on the table. :lol:

Celisea

November 14th, 2012
12:08 pm

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Toodles :mrgreen:

Exiled!

November 14th, 2012
12:08 pm

Cel..no that was for Common and Leggs..

I think Disco,you fine. No family is perfect or devoid of dysfunction or cliques but the key is to be friendly and smile even though we know,behind closed doors,we got camps.

At least that’s how my family goes.

But we seem to close rang on deaths of family members. There is usually 80% participation.

I guess the other members want to be sure ‘yes,he dead and buried!’ :lol:

Celisea

November 14th, 2012
12:08 pm

Mmeello – Gotcha

Back to work