Bad money habits concern you?
I have a friend, Victor, who is wondering if he should be concerned about his girlfriend’s money habits. She never pays for anything – doesn’t even offer to. She buys extravagant things, spends a lot of money eating out, and he doubts she even knows what a savings account is.
They have not been an exclusive couple for long, so he has only been observing her spending habits in the last few weeks. He has not questioned her about it yet, but fiscal responsibility is really important to him. He grew up poor and has always been very smart about saving money, living within or below his means. I think he should immediately go and talk about this with her. If it bothers him that much, it is best to go ahead and have the conversation to see how she views money.
Do you think that a person’s money habits should be looked at when you are dating?
Have you ever dated someone whose poor money habits were a red flag for you?
If someone has a different idea about money and financial responsibility, do you think it could be a deal breaker for you?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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320 comments Add your comment
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:03 am
Happy End of the Work Week and the Last Day Gang!!
Financial issues are the #1 cause of divorce, even more than infidelity. So heck, yeah, you better recognize!!
Now the couple in question, I see a few possible things here. It could be that she spends lavishly cause she got it like that! It’s not “lavish” if her bills are paid and she’s not repo’ed/foreclosed/bankrupt! If all that’s in order and she isn’t asking him for anything, it’s all good in her world. The fact that she’s not offered to pay for anything sounds like they have a different view of dating roles. I have a freind just like her as a matter of fact. She refused to pay for anything when she & hubs dated, but he was happy to pay for everything. And she was working and had her own. She brought him beautiful gifts. Now that they are married, she’s still somewhat extravagant, but she brings something to the table! Like Ted Turner said, money ain’t a problem if you got a lot of it!
The fact that dude grew up poor means he’s a little sensitive when it comes to money and he needs to recognize that about himself.
Either way, I think they need to get together and talk about their views on money. Non-threatening or accusatory, just matter of fact. They actually could be very good for each other. He could influence her to save a little more and she could get him to relax and live a little. Being around someone that is a cronic penny pincher can be very much a downer, while being with someone that constantly stays in debt is living on the edge. A happy medium can be reached.
Me personally? Poor financial management to the point of bankruptcy & repo was a dealbreaker for me in a past relationship. I just could not deal with it. He was completely irresponsible and made for some embarrassing situations a few times.
SlimNu: Life always happens
November 9th, 2012
10:03 am
Leggs – Yeah I remember…that word didn’t stick just yet though lol
Leggs
November 9th, 2012
10:03 am
WOW, Ms. Atl.
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:05 am
Oh, and co-mingling money before marriage? A definite no-no in my book no matter how responsible you are!
MsAtl
November 9th, 2012
10:06 am
Disco- everyone is entitled to temporary insanity. Mine lasted longer than most, but at least I am cured, lol.
Speaking of loose change, every year I saved my loose change in a pickle jar. Right after Thanksgiving, I would have my kids count and roll the change, then they would split it three ways. They had to use half their take to buy one of the others a gift and the other half to spend on themselves. That was the highlight of their Thanksgiving holiday because the jar usually had at least $300. Boy were they upset when debit cards became popular.
Leggs
November 9th, 2012
10:06 am
Nice spin to your post, kimmie. Especially → The fact that dude grew up poor means he’s a little sensitive when it comes to money and he needs to recognize that about himself.
DuShawn
November 9th, 2012
10:12 am
I think all of you all place far too much importance on money. I never observed my wife’s spending habits while we were dating. She had her bread and I had mine. It was never an issue. When we realized our relationship was serious and began to think about forever, my mindset was more along the lines of “ If I lost everything and couldn’t even wipe my own a$$, would she do it for me….more importantly would I do it for her?” Fiscal responsibility is a learned behavior and definitely has its place. It allows one to acquire tangible assets. I have always been of the opinion that when it comes to choosing a mate, it’s the intangible attributes that hold the most value.
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:12 am
My thinking too is at this point in my life, I kinda want to do what I want. I’ve worked hard and done everything “right” – got a great education, saved and didn’t get into serious debt, purchased a home, cars paid for, made good personal decisions, worked hard. I deserve to enjoy the fruits of my labor. You only come this way once. So I would not fair too well with someone frowning upon what I do with my money, but that’s me. If I was having some problems with managing it or getting into trouble, I would welcome my man’s help though.
SlimNu: Life always happens
November 9th, 2012
10:14 am
MsAtl – I used to love rolling up coins…sort of relaxing. Weird I know
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:18 am
Slim I loved rolling coins too!! Not weird at all!!
disco
November 9th, 2012
10:18 am
dushawn – I feel you but as a woman and talking relationships you get to that point where the roles come into play. most men claim to be serious about the head of household title but not always so serious about the head of household responsibility. to me, a man who isn’t good with money is going to be lacking in his ability to provide. a man who isn’t good with money isn’t going to allow me to be comfortable enough to sit back and trust his decision making abilities and thereby allow him to effectively lead. I can’t just sit back and “let him be the man” when he’s gambling away the mortgage at a poker game. some women can, I can’t.
MsAtl
November 9th, 2012
10:19 am
Slim- my kids are grown and I have a jar of coins that need rolling. You up for the challenge? Lol
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:20 am
Fiscal responsibility is a learned behavior and definitely has its place.
While intangibles are what MAKE the relationship, love will go out the window if you are living in a cardboard box trying to figure out where your next meal for your kids (not even yourself) is coming from.
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:21 am
Dushawn – Your post speaks to me! I learned when caring for my sick parents just how important it is to have someone that’s gonna be right there in trenches with you thru the truly rough times. Makes all this “who pays for what” stuff seem petty.
disco
November 9th, 2012
10:23 am
CC – you sound like my grandma. she was quick to say “you can’t eat love”.
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:24 am
Disco/Comon – I hear you guys too. I’ve seen the importance of both sides. And if either thing is missing – financial responsibility or those intangibles, the effects can be devestating.
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:26 am
Exhibit A~
If you have no electricty, how can you afford a cell phone?!?
http://www.ajc.com/news/news/local/cops-mom-left-kids-alone-without-electricity-to-go/nS2×2/
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:27 am
It’s sad when yeah, he can pay for everything, but if you fell deathly ill he won’t even bring you a drink of water cause he’s busy out with his side piece or hanging with his boys. But would be looking pittiful if he needed someone to help change his Depends and you wouldn’t do it!
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:27 am
disco~ You sho we ain’t related?!? My grandmother used to say that to me too!
disco
November 9th, 2012
10:28 am
I have a girlfriend now who only just revealed to me that she’s been carrying her man for the last several years. I had no idea. she claims she never let on because she was embarrassed but she’s finally owning up to the situation. apparently she’s been paying all of the real bills and he pays for daycare. I know daycare is pricey but still. I was as supportive as I could be because this is my girl but she still got a mouthful about how I wish a ninja would. lol.
abc
November 9th, 2012
10:29 am
If your girl is bad with money, and if you should progress to marriage, you’ll be faced with having to apportion and control her spending, via allowance per budget or however. This is absolutely certain to lead to resentment on her part. Been there, done that — bad financial habits should be a deal breaker.
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
November 9th, 2012
10:29 am
HiYas!
money habits are crucial in a long-term relationship. but you have to get to that comfort level where you ask the difficult questions and give up the honest answers.
just coz someone likes to eat out and buy nice things doesn’t mean they’re not saving as well. also, unless you see the receipts or accompany them while spending, how can you be so sure they’re not adept at snagging those really good deals?
having said that, the very first time i experience you borrowing money to pay for a basic necessity or allowing a utility to get shut-off, you + me = over.
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
November 9th, 2012
10:30 am
I look at it as love and trust.
I love you; but can I trust that your concern for my well being extends to not getting ‘you/us’ into debt?
I love you; but can I trust that your concern for finances won’t ruin potentially nice moments together?
@Du
While I get the ‘wipin’ part, let me be the first to tell you, if I can afford to pay someone else to do it, I will.
@All: learning financial responsibilty shouldn’t have to happen OJT, IMO
Single and Happy
November 9th, 2012
10:30 am
Kimmie that’s where I was coming from with the suggestions thing, if i’m okay with what’s going on in my life, Why would anyone including my S/O start suggesting things to change it. If I’m having problems in my life and always complaining, then suggest away!
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:31 am
you + me = over.
This made me laugh for some reason.
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
November 9th, 2012
10:33 am
disco, i got your gf beat. carried my ex financially for years AND he refused to make himself available for the kids to come home after school to at least save me the added expense of childcare.
but yeah, it’s a combination of not wanting to make your man look bad to others and also the hope that things will turn around, so why make it hard for him to keep his head up. sounds like her dude is doing what he can tho.
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
November 9th, 2012
10:34 am
Do you think that a person’s money habits should be looked at when you are dating?
If it’s nothing serious then no I don’t think so, but if it’s in a long term, serious relationship then it should be looked at with utmost care….otherwise they’re bad habits may become yours by default through association (i.e. at some point they’ll need you to help them financially)
Have you ever dated someone whose poor money habits were a red flag for you?
Yes I have…his money habits were poor and so was he and that in itself was a red flag. It was a red flag b/c at the time it seemed okay with him and I couldn’t understand it…that plus he was paying child support so he hardly NEVER had any $$$ to do anything with. I made more than him and had no problem paying for an outing but as the man in the relationship I expected more and didn’t get it. So between him being broke,having a retarded “baby mama” and them demon seed chirren…umm we’re not together…and I’m cool with that.
IT’S FRIDAY!!!(said in my Sir Charles voice)
AAAnd I’ve got a three day weekend cause we’re off Monday…this is going to be a GRRREAT weekend
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:35 am
he refused to make himself available for the kids to come home after school to at least save me the added expense of childcare.
Were they his kids too?
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
November 9th, 2012
10:37 am
their not they’re…
kimmie
November 9th, 2012
10:39 am
disco – I’m willing to bet there are many out there just like your friend. I’m like you though, I’m not carrying a grown, able-bodied man for years.
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:41 am
We knew what you mean Sassy.
SlimNu: Life always happens
November 9th, 2012
10:42 am
MsAtl – I’d be happy to do it…for a small percentage of course
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
November 9th, 2012
10:46 am
I have always been of the opinion that when it comes to choosing a mate, it’s the intangible attributes that hold the most value.
How heart warming…I understand and agree with that but we also have to be practical about it,too. There will be times where the tangibles directly affect your/my/our well being and I’d like to have the confidence and security in knowing that should it arise, we’re okay.
“you can’t eat love”.
How true and real…love can’t pay bills either..
the very first time i experience you borrowing money to pay for a basic necessity or allowing a utility to get shut-off, you + me = over.
You ain’t neva lied
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
November 9th, 2012
10:47 am
Were they his kids too?
this made ME laugh for some reason.
yes, they are.
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:48 am
On carrying a S/O financially~ I think it depends on the situation. If we have been together for years and he has ALWAYS provided but then he loses his job and is unable to find another, I’d stick by him. But if he ain’t never handled isht and he comes into the relationship and all he’s got is too many ain’t gots? I can’t even do it.
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
November 9th, 2012
10:48 am
Thanks Comon…can’t wait to meet some of you guys tomorrow
The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior
November 9th, 2012
10:48 am
My grandma says “throwing good money (sense) after bad money (sense), don’t do it baby”
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:50 am
cz~ Then “making himself available” would have been a non issue. My response would have been “Your kids will be waiting for you to get them off the bus (or pick them up or whatever the arrangement is) at 3:00 PM. Please make sure you’re not late”.
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
10:50 am
My grandmother’s (and my mother’s) saying was always: Love is just something to tide you over until you get some money.”
DuShawn
November 9th, 2012
10:51 am
Disco/common – in life and relationships difficult times are guaranteed. Fortunes are made and loss. The lack of financial resources will surely expose your significant others true character. Thats when those intangible assets (i.e honor, love, respect) are so important. A real man strives to ensure his loved ones are secure and would never purposely make decisions to their detriment. If your dude let’s you live in a card board box, it’s not because of his lack of fiduciary responsibility. You just chose an idiot.
disco
November 9th, 2012
10:56 am
kimmie – I know there are many more out there like that. thing is I was truly surprised that this particular friend got hemmed up. we live in different states so I didn’t get to see much first hand. she did admit that others around her had been peeped out the situation.
CC – and in my friend’s case. that’s what it was. he came in with promises and potential. didn’t keep promises and didn’t live up to his potential. in short she got played and she played herself. thing is, even now, she’s still on the fence about wanting to work it out. me, myself, personally, I’d work his sorry behind right up out of my house.
D – we get it. we’re not even (not to speak for you CC) talking about all those other wonderful, beautiful attributes that definitely have their place. we are just talking about buster, grimy, no good, broke A, bad money managing type jokers. I wouldn’t care how good his heart is, I don’t want to carry him. I say good heart because I have some family members that ain’t worth the spit it takes to cuss them, they don’t have eye water to cry with but somebody always talking about “but he/she has such a good heart”.
LeeH1
November 9th, 2012
10:58 am
YES! Someone who can;’t handle money on their own can’t handle your money, too! Not to mention the money of their children ot be. Run away! The person will never get better, and will always run through whatever you have plus hers as well.
If you do stay together, then for heaven’s sake get a good pre-nuptual agreement in writing before you say “I do” to the credit collection agent.
Single and Happy
November 9th, 2012
10:58 am
Disco so she listened to twice as much as he said and saw half as much as he was doing.
Bluzgirl
November 9th, 2012
11:00 am
Money can be a big issue in a relationship. I’m not one who goes looking for a man with a lot of money. I can handle my own. The recent ex was a lazy bum and I carried him for two years. BIG MISTAKE! I got very resentful towards the end because when he did come up with some money, he was buying booze or other things that were not needed. Ugh! Ok…off the rant with that. It was my fault for letting that happen and his fault for using me.
So…three times this week, the Young One has mentioned that he is broke. Next time he says something like that, I’m going to tell him that’s not hot. We hardly know each other and I don’t want a guy whining about how broke he is. I ain’t about to take care of another one. He’s supposed to come to my party tonight…I’m wondering if him talking about being broke is him trying to tell me he can’t come tonight. Fine with me at this point!!!
Leggs
November 9th, 2012
11:03 am
Sassy ~ I called to make reservations and was told they don’t take reservations. News to me. Anyway, to be sure, we’re talking about the one off Memorial Drive downtown??
Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)
November 9th, 2012
11:06 am
Anyway, to be sure, we’re talking about the one off Memorial Drive downtown??
Yes Leggs that one…
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
November 9th, 2012
11:12 am
comon, i couldn’t chance him not being there for them. he proved to me once that they were not a priority, and i never tested that again. not with my kids.
“but he/she has such a good heart”.
and there you have it. there simply comes a point when, no matter how good your intentions and no matter how true your love, if you can’t walk what you’re talkin then you’re just wasting your time and mine. i’m not interested in being impressed. i’m interested in being respected.
disco
November 9th, 2012
11:16 am
S/H – she was one of those chicks that just wanted the relationship so bad she ignored and overlooked everything. as I’ve said, she’s still on the fence now about ending it.
bluz – be careful. dude hollering out he’s broke is a fishing expedition. he’s testing the waters.
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
11:17 am
disco~ As my momma used to tel me: He ain’t got a pot to p!ss in or a window to throw it out of.
Sassy/Leggs~ 8:30 PM right? Or are we going earlier since there are no reservations?
Comon ¢
November 9th, 2012
11:20 am
Bluz~ When he cries broke, do you commiserate with him or what do you say?