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Breaking up. Again.

Have you ever been in a relationship that went back and forth, on again, off again? It’s one of those frustrating roller coaster rides you end up on and don’t know how to get off. What causes us to keep going back to relationships that we already know we should not be in?

I know a lot women get hooked into the emotional drama that comes with these situations. Men convince themselves that they are happier with the person then without. Yet once you are reunited, all those same problems come barreling back. You end up right where you left off.

Do you think that a relationship with multiple break ups should be saved? It sounds so simple to say, cut ties and move on, but that seems to always get harder each time you reunite.

How do you know when you should break up for good or just take a break? If it is “mean to be” – should it be that difficult to work things out?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

174 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
7:14 am

Usually when relationships go back and forth, it’s one person apologizing and saying they will change while the other keeps doing the same thing that help cause the break up in the first place. Going back can work, but it will take both parties realizing what they did wrong and correcting it.

Jamie

November 8th, 2012
8:17 am

As a 10 year veteran of the on and off again relationship, I agree with Single and Happy. One person makes changes and the other person usually says they will….but they don’t. You stay because of the hope that things will get better. But a relationship is not built on hope. It’s hard to let the comfort and familiarity of a relationship go…so you stay. You love this person…have shared many memories and starting over is very scary. But at some point…you have to believe you deserve better. The bottom line to me is…it just shouldn’t be that hard.

Celisea.....smoooooove riding

November 8th, 2012
8:29 am

The only constant break up to make up in my dating history was with the kid’s dad. That was a real roller coaster ride…lol Being that we were both young, I think a huge percentage of that was attributed to us both “needing to grow up.” I won’t say people can’t reunite but that constant back and forth thing? For me, ain’t happening. I don’t really have the patience for that. I’m cool “working it out” and working through it, saying I’m sorry when I’m wrong, owning whats mine. However, I’m not gonna play games nor deal with foolishness. By the same token, I’m not going to inflict “stuff” on another.

Relationships are work, but you don’t cycle through repeated breakups to come to that realization. I’ve learned over the years that compromise is the key. I didn’t say bend til you break….I said compromise. I’m willing to do that, but after I’ve given my best effort and things still don’t pan out, I’m done.

Emotional drama is just that can be tricky. IMO, women can become misguided because emotions are running amuck…still and even so, it’s no excuse to tolerate BS, cut it if need be and move on. Again, if it’s a matter of differences and being able to work through challenges, I’m all in. If I say I love you and you love me, IMO, it’s worth the effort. Challenges though ain’t the same as BS. You gotta understand and recognize the difference.

Celisea.....smoooooove riding

November 8th, 2012
8:33 am

And the same should go for the man in the relationship. Everything is a two-way street. He should tolerate foolishness either.

Want to make sure I’m being fair here :mrgreen:

Alright, I seem to have nothing now but days where work is just waiting on me to make my appearance…sigh…off to get coffee and then on the grind

SlimNu: Life always happens

November 8th, 2012
8:36 am

Morning,

Yeah, what yall said.

Exiled!

November 8th, 2012
8:40 am

And usually,the good good is that good,so that creates a real emotional connection with the woman.

And us men know,when you have a baby with a woman,she wants to keep you close! So a man can afford to wander,get new pudy,have a dry spell but pivot back to baby mama with a few kisses,Ian sorry, I am sorry and get a fresh serving of baby mama puddy,which by the way,was proly laying fallow because she was still pining and hoping that baby daddy will come back.

In those situations,a man will truly walk away if the woman slams the door shut! Without that,men know how to continously milk that female emotional Reservoir.

Tap it,tap it,tap it! :lol:

Good morning!

disco

November 8th, 2012
8:50 am

good morning y’all. I never had the back and forth with “real” relationships but I don’t deny a cut buddy or two that had that kind of staying power. if we were both in between things we’d hook up. we’d go our separate ways for months or even years but with the right timing and circumstances it was on and popping again.

ex – not that you said chicks want to keep the baby daddy close. I don’t necessarily disagree with you but I have to add that a lot of those are the ones with the baby momma/baby daddy mentality. men have it too. a lot of men think having a baby with a woman locks her down. he doesn’t necessarily believe it locks him down. he just thinks he can always go back.

Kat

November 8th, 2012
8:51 am

The only reason to continue to go back is if changes (maybe not all, but some) are being made. Also, with age comes wisdom, so who you are at 18 with him/her is not who you will be at 25 or 30. People can change.

comon ¢

November 8th, 2012
8:52 am

Good Morning, bloggies!

Ex~ Who are these women you dated?!? Neither of my exs could even get a whiff, let alone tap it! :lol:

On Topic~ I will give it 1 back and forth. After that, don’t let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split you! That back and forth is for the birds. (Although the angry, makeup sex is the BOMB!!!) Sometimes people do need to lose what they have to realize they need to change. Happened with the hubs and I. We were together for 4 years and then we had to go our seperate ways. Now, we are on the same page and life is good!

comon ¢

November 8th, 2012
8:53 am

Also, with age comes wisdom, so who you are at 18 with him/her is not who you will be at 25 or 30. People can change.

Exactly!

Celisea.....smoooooove riding

November 8th, 2012
9:02 am

MMeello – While I think it’s the most asinine way of thinking, I agree that that sort of foolishness goes on. Heck some folks ain’t a “baby mama/daddy”, still act like they’re stuck….lol You have nothing to do but snap out of it and move on. The mind is a powerful thing, either you believe you can or you believe you can’t…but whatever you believe is what will be.

disco

November 8th, 2012
9:14 am

O/T – I know it’s early but since I need to vent right quick, here goes. I have a friend that I meet for dinner maybe once every 2 months or so. we’ve been doing this for years. it’s that time again. we’re supposed to meet next week. thing is she NEVER selects the restaurant and while I don’t mind picking I hate having to pick all the time. of course, the one time I forced the issue and let her pick she picked some nasty, gross, disgusting so called Caribbean place. the food was awful (at least to me. she liked it and even bought her hubs a to go plate). I remember at the time thinking I’m better off picking the restaurants. still when I got the email this morning asking where we should meet it just ticked me off. I have yet to respond to her.

Exiled!

November 8th, 2012
9:15 am

Common..your exes didn’t pound you good….that’s what the evidence seems to show…

Right? :lol:

Exiled!

November 8th, 2012
9:23 am

Why should it tick u off Disco…she has poor taste in food. Is she not nasty in her home?

Either u recognize and choose the restaurant urself All the time or u risk eating nasty food from the bad choices she make.

I think she has a deference actually to your better tastes,no wonder she keeps asking.

Leggs

November 8th, 2012
9:31 am

Morning!

disco ~ that’s a small issue. Since you didn’t like her pick, you can either give her another chance to pick, or continue to pick places you both like. She too may have you picking because she likes the spots you suggest. No need to sweat the small stuff.

I haven’t done the on again off again.

disco

November 8th, 2012
9:34 am

Ex – naw. she has a neat and tidy home. she has a cat and I don’t like cats but that’s neither here nor there. my thing is I hate being the one to always turn the other person on to something and that person isn’t reciprocating. I feel that way about friends, family, relationships. turn me on to something, introduce me to something new. I’m somewhat of a foodie. I research restaurant openings, I go online and read menus, I read reviews in the paper. I put effort into my restaurant selections. same for theatre performances, museum exhibits etc. I feel cheated when someone isn’t reciprocating. that’s all. heck, even if she’s not a good pick she can at least suggest that we return to one of the places that I previously suggested. I’ve suggested dozens of places over the years. it just seems like to me she’s putting in no effort and it rubs me wrong.

disco

November 8th, 2012
9:35 am

leggs – see my reply to ex. lol. it’s almost like dating the guy who always says “wherever you want to go or whatever you want to do”. that mess gets tired.

i'm swiss

November 8th, 2012
9:43 am

it’s almost like dating the guy who always says “wherever you want to go or whatever you want to do”. that mess gets tired.

disco — You want decisive? How ’bout this: Uh, yeah, hey baby, get dressed, we goin’ out. I’m taking us to the IHOP. Then we’re gonna go back to your place and I’m gonna hit it from the back a couple of times before the game comes on. Then I’m gonna sit on the couch, fart & watch football while you make me a sandwich. :lol:

Hey, it’s decisive at least… ;-)

disco

November 8th, 2012
9:46 am

swiss – and believe it or not, you had me up until the farting part. lol.

Leggs

November 8th, 2012
9:48 am

I understand, but why put the same amount of angst in a friend that you would put in a guy you’re dating that does the same thing? Tell her she needs to contribute more. Have you ever asked her why she doesn’t?

i'm swiss

November 8th, 2012
9:50 am

“you had me up until the farting part”

disco:lol: Well, after IHOP the farting would pretty much be out of my control. :lol:

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
9:50 am

Disco, my question is if it ticks you off why do you go? If this is someone that you enjoy enough to have been doing this for years, why haven’t you accepted her for who she is. And another question why don’t you just ask her why does she like you to pick them out?

Exiled!

November 8th, 2012
9:51 am

Disco….what intrigues me here is that your friend is married..does he have no opinion either?

Exiled!

November 8th, 2012
9:55 am

The husband I meant…..Disco!

Maybe they regard you as the uppity and more educated friend with the better and finer taste! :lol:

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:02 am

lol. I guess this is where my carrie Heffernan alter ego kicks in. lol. leggs – I’ve never “asked” her why she doesn’t. I have suggested that she pick the place. she generally vollies it back to me. I have been aggressive and insisted she pick a place and she’ll typically just re-suggest something I already suggested in the past. she only ever picked something on her own once and it was the bad spot. I’m not even upset that it was bad. I give her credit for trying but I just feel like she needs to put in. I know it’s petty but it is what it is. i’ve got other friends who can be just as irksome this way. always talking about “oh disco, you pick such nice places or you know about so many interesting things to do”. on one hand it’s complimentary. on the other hand I’m like why don’t you pick a nice place or an interesting thing to do. their all a bunch of busters. lol. I even admit that I won’t disclose some of my shopping places for this same reason. go shopping with friends and they always go to the same stores. I’m keeping my good consignment stores and boutiques under wraps. call me selfish, I don’t care. lol.

S/H – it doesn’t tick me off all the time. just sometimes. today is one of those times that it’s irking me. the thing is I expect it and I generally roll with it but every now and again (like today) I’m like later for her. truthfully she’s lucky she’s my friend. I’ve broken up with guys over similar issues. one guy asked me to dinner. showed up to take me to dinner. then goes through the where do you want to go routine. I promptly told him never mind. I’d feed myself and he could go where ever and feed himself.

Leggs

November 8th, 2012
10:05 am

“…showed up to take me to dinner. then goes through the where do you want to go routine. I promptly told him never mind. I’d feed myself and he could go where ever and feed himself.” – I’m cracking up because I may be experiencing this same thing next week.

halo46

November 8th, 2012
10:07 am

Good Morning All,
Yesterday was my first day back to work and I was super busy and didn’t get a chance to read yesterday’s blog. But I first want to make a comment about yesterday’s topic. You see, I have an friend who has a total opposite viewpoint on political issues than I. And I cannot stand it. I believe in democracy and helping out your brother man. He believes in cutting social programs and getting rid of Obamacare (said with utmost respect), etc. It’s like talking to the enemy. I am like Kimmie, I cannot take our relationship to another level when he supports conservative ideals. It’s almost as if he thinks he is better or more intelligent than the average liberal. I’ve know this guy for four years and every election year the tension between us (as far as I am concerned anyway) grows and festers. I also thought it would not be a big deal, but really it is. After all, I can date interracially but the guy has to be more like my culture than me like his. lol Sorry for changing the subject, but just wanted to vent a little about how muchit irritates me. lol

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
10:08 am

SELFISH!!/Disco, just ask her why she doesn’t like to pick the restaurants, so much easier :-) Just like the topic today people keep going to the same ole places because it’s what they know, they’re afraid to venture out.

Lee

November 8th, 2012
10:11 am

I shall give you one chance, the second time — good bye & have a nice life

kimmie

November 8th, 2012
10:16 am

Morning Gang!

On topic – I did the on-off with one guy once. It went on over a 2 year span. While a roller-coaster, it was not the absolute worse thing. There were just some major dealbreakers we could not get past. One big was him being a committment phobe, plus we didn’t agree about children. I had to finally face that we were not meant to be and shut it down. I wish him well.

Disco – Just pick the place. It really should not be a biggie. I could see if it was your man, but this is a hanging buddy. I do think she probably just likes the places you pick and is not confident in her own taste. At least with you picking, you know it will be somewhere you like.

Now I do hate an indecisive man. Especially when that say “whatever you want”, then complain about your selection!

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:18 am

S/H – i won’t worry about it. she’s one of those go along to get along types. heck, she’s got a “house-husband” so you have an idea what I’m working with. I like her though. we’re cool. I just won’t respond about dinner until I’m over feeling funky about it.

halo – funny re your comment about dating interracially and the guy being more like your culture than his. I’m the opposite. I haven’t dated interracially much but I’ve always said if I did date interracially it couldn’t be with the guy who “acted” black. (please no one start on the what is acting black. for sake of argument let’s just say we all understand. lol). I’ve joked that I like my white boys white, my Puerto Ricans Puerto rican etc. lol.

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:22 am

kimmie – yeah. I’ll pick it. doesn’t mean I don’t want to have a temper tantrum about it though. doesn’t mean I won’t be feeling some kind of way about it. she’s a grown woman. she can’t decide on a restaurant? phooey. whew. okay. I’m done. I’ve released. thanks guys.

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
10:23 am

Disco, while some may be “acting black” others are just being who they are in the culture that they grew up in.

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:24 am

S/H – I get that. just saying that’s not likely the one that I’d be attracted to.

kimmie

November 8th, 2012
10:26 am

Disco – I don’t blame you much about keeping some of your shopping spots to yourself. There are a few hidden treasures I know of and I like rolling out in something unique. Plus, when I go shopping and I’m really looking for something, I like to go alone. I don’t want anyone elses opinion. Heck, I went alone to pick out my wedding dress. I would have taken my mom if she were alive, but her taste was the only taste I trust for ME. Otherwise, my taste is different from alot of my close friends. I can go to one of my spots and come out with something cool that works for me. My friends will compliment me on it, but if they had been with me when I bought it, they would have been turning their noses up! So when I do shop with friends, its just to hang out and be social. Or I’ll buy some perfume or makeup or something.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 8th, 2012
10:29 am

I do think she probably just likes the places you pick and is not confident in her own taste. At least with you picking, you know it will be somewhere you like.

Just like disco said,it can be kind of flattering initially but after a while it becomes exhausting and on days where you want to sit back and let someone else choose and they act lost it can make you a tad angry.

Anyhoo, on topic: I don’t do back and forth…once I’m out, I’m out.

halo46

November 8th, 2012
10:31 am

I’ve joked that I like my white boys white, my Puerto Ricans Puerto rican etc. lol.

When I say acting like me…meaning he has to have some swagger. For my personal tastes, I like a guy with confidence and swagger. Straight up white boys are nice, but sometimes they are very boring. Half the time they can’t even tell Im joking. Gotta explain every joke. Like the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. ijs.

kimmie

November 8th, 2012
10:32 am

I actually feel disco on the lazy friend. Sometimes you do just wanna chill and go along and not have to be in charge all the time. It does get old.

comon ¢

November 8th, 2012
10:32 am

disco~ Cosign on your 10:18 regarding interraciall dating. I am the same way.

comon ¢

November 8th, 2012
10:37 am

I don’t think any question has started more arguments than “So, what do you want to eat?” :lol:

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:37 am

halo – speaking of “white boy swagger”. I first got turned on to Adrian brody when he played in the pianist. now that he does those commercials (old spice I think) I’ve been like “old boy got a little something with him”. he’s a little thin and I’m not really checking for him but he’s working with something. I also like Jason statham a bit too.

MsAtl

November 8th, 2012
10:38 am

Morning All!
I am not an on again-off again relationship type person. If my relationship breaks up, that will likely be it for that person. In my marriage (of 27 years), I put up with a lot and once I put him out I allowed him to come back one time, with therapy. I told him if it happened again he was gone for good. He didn’t believe me, but when he realized I meant it, he was realizing it from the extended stay motel, saying it was the first time he “slipped up” since we got back together. Ummm, buddy next time means next time!

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

November 8th, 2012
10:40 am

<em I also like Jason statham a bit too.

Me,too…

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
10:45 am

comon, there is the other question “so what you do want to do”

Single and Happy

November 8th, 2012
10:47 am

I mean “so what do you want to do?”

halo46

November 8th, 2012
10:49 am

I first got turned on to Adrian Brody.

@disco – Yes…good example. I also liked him in Cadillac Records. My sister always teases me when I get excited on his Old Spice? commercial. lol

halo46

November 8th, 2012
10:51 am

‘from’ his Old Spice? commerical

Bluzgirl

November 8th, 2012
10:54 am

I had one relationship where we were off and on quite a bit. We would break up…he would promise to change…he would for a little bit, then go back to the same old thing. His biggest problem was total commitment. We loved each other deeply, but were not made for each other at all…no matter how hard we tried. We ended up being great friends once we got through the pain of the final break up. We were much better as friends…

disco

November 8th, 2012
10:56 am

halo – is Cadillac records any good? i’ve had it on dvd for years and just never felt compelled to watch it. didn’t realize he was in it. maybe I’ll finally put it on my to watch list.

Bluzgirl

November 8th, 2012
11:00 am

disco – I LOVE that movie!!! Definitely watch it. When it came out on DVD, I watched it several times. Was much better than I expected it to be.