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Dating: Grow up!

My friend Allen is dating a young lady who he really likes a lot. He believes she could be the one…in a couple of years. Allen says his girlfriend has a little growing up to do. Her lack of maturity is shown when she doesn’t get her way, or handles things with little patience.

As he talked, I thought about how he was the same guy friend that advised me not to date a guy for “potential” but accept him as he is. Now, here we were having the same exact discussion ..and switched places. I asked him what he asked me, “What if she never changes? Could you still be with her?”

Although they are only three years apart in age, when you see Allen with his girlfriend, you can’t help but notice the stark difference in their maturity levels. Ah, but love is blind, right? He does not see what I see, just as I had to learn my lesson for myself.

Would you be willing to wait till someone “grew up” and behaved less like an adolescent? Is that one of those things that should be a dating red flag?

How can you tell if the person you are dating are compatible to your maturity level?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

239 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

October 30th, 2012
7:13 am

Her lack of maturity is shown when she doesn’t get her way, or handles things with little patience. Maybe that’s just who she is, it has nothing to do with age. He’s looking at grown up from his perspective, as far as she’s concerned she maybe grown.

Celisea....snuggling weather :)

October 30th, 2012
7:41 am

Relating is about togetherness. No one person within a relationship should have tantrums, testing, playing games, being stubborn….so forth and so on. Yes, be your individual selves, but also know there’s a middle, a medium, a place where we come together. If I find myself in situations where I’m constantly expected to yield or bend or everything is always always about you, what you want or don’t want, things have to always gravitate to your happiness….not “our happiness”, ummm you need to grow up or find a person to cater to you. A lack of maturity will have you asking, “what happened?” All you’ll see is the back of me or shown the door! lololol I’m all about working through or working it out, but I’m not going to tolerate an adult that lacks maturity.

Diva, please tell Allen he’ll forever be waiting on her to get over it. He should have the talk now. If not, I have a feeling he’s gonna have regrets later on. Three years age difference between adults is no excuse to display “bratdom.” She needs to grow up.

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
9:15 am

Don’t date the person you *expect* or *hope* that a person will become. Date the person that they are.

Allen should move on.

And much like S&H said, she could have done all the growing that she is going to do.

And maybe she doesn’t need to grow up. Maybe Allen’s perspective of the kind of grown up she should be is different from hers. Who died and made Allen the authority on Grown Up Behavior?

And one other thought, since WDiva seems to agree on her lack of maturity, maybe it’s not about maturity. Maybe it’s a personality clash or a difference in backgrounds or what someone has been exposed to.

Regardless, Allen sees a need to fix this young lady. How arrogant of him. #FloatOn

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
9:16 am

Good morning,

Maybe throwing tantrums is the way of dealing with things that has worked for her. Or maybe she hasn’t been shown or told of some alternative ways to handle situations. Sometimes folks just don’t know what they don’t know. Often times in therapy or with certain life coach sessions/books, they teach you how to alter behavior or give you skills to be better in decision making and in how you react to things. So if he’s serious about her having potential to be THE ONE, then he can sit down and talk to her about how he feels she reacts, in a non-accusatory manner of course…then see where it goes. If she isn’t open then he already knows what he’s in for.

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
9:18 am

Aaaaannnddd…if he is the same person that told you to not date potential, the puddy must be really good because he’s not taking his own advice….

And will probably end up marrying the puddy….immaturity and all…

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
9:22 am

If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.
Audre Lorde

Single and Happy

October 30th, 2012
9:40 am

Slim, if she’s okay with her behavior, there is no need to alter. You have to be happy within yourself.

It would be nice to know their age, and not just the age difference.

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
9:46 am

This subject kinda hits home for me. In the past, I was with someone who made me feel like I had to change or suppress parts of who I am to be with them.

It was a time that ended up being very bad for my self confidence and my psyche.

In the end, it wasn’t that I needed to change who I was. It was that I needed to change who I was with.

DuShawn

October 30th, 2012
9:52 am

Pretty thighs and good neckwork always increases a man’s ability to tolerate immature behavior and a host of other character flaws…until the novelty wears off. Then they become downright irritating.

Single and Happy

October 30th, 2012
9:58 am

Mrs Sexy, that’s always the first thing that you need to change :-D

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
10:03 am

She probably realizes her tantrums or lack of patience wear on him. Maybe why she’s doing, rebelling against his “control” on who she is. If you’re grown and want to date grown, then leave the kids in the sandbox. Once you pick one out to play with, don’t complain. You knew they had sand between their toes.

Morning.

Bluzgirl

October 30th, 2012
10:18 am

Morning all!

Trust me…you don’t want to sit around waiting for someone to mature or change just because you “think” they may be the one. I’ve wasted too much time in my past doing this. No more!

Celisea.....happy life!!

October 30th, 2012
10:20 am

Dushawn – I agree

Going off Diva’s post alone, I don’t think it’s about her changing who she is as a person. A bit of criticism or another set of eyes can’t hurt in showing a person something they maybe can’t see or recognize how it comes off. There is a difference in hearing the truth versus someone asking you to bend until you break. Why throw away a potentially good relationship if things can be improved? Bad behavior transcends over into life. It’s not limited to an intimate relationship. No one is going to tolerate tantrums…period. I tell you one thing, if Allen’s girl wants to keep her job, she’s going to sit and patiently listen to her manager tell her she needs to be a team player….lololol

To Dushawn’s point, that’s usually the way it goes…fly at the mouth, snappy, being spoiled is cute (to some), until it becomes irritating.

Allen could very well be off the mark but just going off of Diva’s post, he and his girl should have a sit down and see if things can be worked out. If not, then she as well as he should find a better fit.

I’m out….leaving early today :mrgreen:

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
10:27 am

SH – I’m all good with being yourself but no one is above improving themselves…like i said, they should sit down as a couple, discuss it and see where to go from there. If she is perfectly fine throwing tantrums and he is not okay with her throwing them, then time to move on. In dealing with a person in relationships, compromise will have to something that happens at some point. It may not be about attitude, but it could be something else i.e spending/saving habits, cleaning habits, dressing habits, etc…

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

October 30th, 2012
10:31 am

’m out….leaving early today

You show off :???:

Would you be willing to wait till someone “grew up” and behaved less like an adolescent?

No, I’m not waiting for you to grow up and I refuse to “re-raise” an adult.

Is that one of those things that should be a dating red flag?

Yes,yes and yes.

abc

October 30th, 2012
10:34 am

How old are these people? If they’re over 21, they’re pretty much the way they’re going to be. After that one can gain wisdom, but not necessarily maturity. I acknowledge, though, that generation to generation, from Gen X to Gen Y to Millennials, people seem to emotionally grow up a lot slower — mostly because their parents seem to allow it, I think.

Acting out when one doesn’t get their way, or showing a lack of patience, is not about maturity. It’s about narcissism. Narcissistic Rage seems to be more and more common these days.

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
10:35 am

Cel basically made the point I was trying to make…we are all works in progress. If someone is giving me constructive criticism then I’d be open to hearing it. Then I’d determine if that’s something I’d be willing to tweek. It’s no different in learning how to communicate with each other. Just because we say we like each other or want to be together doesn’t mean the stars, moon and sun will line up and all will be perfect. We have to learn how we receive info, how we communicate and what speaks to us. We are all different beings from different backgrounds, different upbringings and different love languages.

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
10:43 am

abc – Your post goes back to the Wussification of Society per Bert Weiss of the Bert Show ;-)

Sassy Me...Mi wan go home :-(

October 30th, 2012
10:45 am

Just because we say we like each other or want to be together doesn’t mean the stars, moon and sun will line up and all will be perfect.

Excellent point. I think alot of folks over look deal breakers because of that notion. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

Totally of topic: I sooo don’t want to be here right now…but my mortgage,car payment and student loans say otherwise..

i'm swiss

October 30th, 2012
10:53 am

I do believe Allen is dating this chick for her young, firm booty & breastseses, and I doubt he’s in any hurry for those to mature.

Random

October 30th, 2012
10:59 am

I have an O/T: I have a cousin that is in prison and recently got in contact with me, via cell phone. Now he is texting me and other family members allllllll the time. I know that is my family but every time I get a text i’m like, OOOOOOK already. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but it’s becoming a bit annoying. I know he doesn’t have much else to do but text all day. :???:

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
11:03 am

:lol: swiss – I guess bodies and boobs are like ripe, plump plums or grapes….but as you get older and gravity takes hold, they turn into raisins or better yet, prunes. :shock:

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
11:04 am

When they start letting them have cell phones in prison?!?

Sounds like contraband…and he’s gone mess around and get some additional time…unless something has changed that I haven’t heard about.

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
11:06 am

Is it common for prisoners to have cell phones? j/k Does he have unlimited texting (j/K). Just tell him to stop!

Mrs. SexyCool

October 30th, 2012
11:08 am

Maybe she thinks Allen needs to change. Maybe she is tolerating his behavior for some reason.

How would he respond to her constructive criticism?
What if she doesn’t want to change? What if she likes herself just fine?

I know that when this was done to me, it did not feel good. In retrospect, there wasn’t a d@mn thing wrong with me except I chose the wrong person, for the wrong reason.

Random

October 30th, 2012
11:21 am

“When they start letting them have cell phones in prison?!?”

That’s the same thing I said. He said, ssshhhh don’t tell anybody. Then at one point when we were talking, we got disconnected. He called back a few minutes later saying the guard had walked by. lol I would like him to cut down the texts but I can understand his plight.

i'm swiss

October 30th, 2012
11:23 am

Slim — When I’m an old man, I’ll happily eat my daily dose of prunes, trust me. ;-) :lol:

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
11:28 am

Random ~ someone smuggled that phone to him with him putting it up his butt cheeks to get to his cell.

disco

October 30th, 2012
11:36 am

hey guys. i see it’s another quiet day in blogville. what’s the topic? inmates in prison with cell phones? ahhhh. finally a topic I can truly relate to. lol. I have a cousin who generally makes his prison calls in the late night hour. you can get up with on facebook during the day if need be.

disco

October 30th, 2012
11:37 am

leggs – all that smuggling ain’t even necessary. the guards are bout dirtier than the inmates.

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
11:39 am

disco ~ I thought that too while typing that crap!

Random

October 30th, 2012
11:39 am

He is supposed to get out next year so I asked what his plan was. He threw some stuff out about having a lawn service and that he has gotten pretty good at online gambling :lol:

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
11:41 am

As a matter of fact, I used to work with someone who smuggled in two cellphones. She was to throw them over some fence to a guard patrolling. Very common indeed!

kimmie

October 30th, 2012
11:52 am

Good morning/almost afternoon!

I think Allen is blinded by the sex and doesn’t want to face the fact that they are incompatible. I also agree that maybe she’s done all the “growing up” she’s gonna do. There are plenty “old” folks that are spoiled and used to getting their way and throwing tantrums. They’ve been allowed to get away with it and it works so why change? Forget if she’s over 21, how about that ish wasn’t checked when she was 10 by her parents??!!!

Plus, maturity can be one of those things that is relative. While normally kind of a serious person, I love to be silly and joke and have fun and lighten up at times. I remember one guy I dated calling me immature though. Thinking back, like SCool’s 11:08, not a dam thing was wrong with me. The only thing I needed to change was my boyfriend and I did just that. He didn’t appreciate my sense of humor.

The off-topic of prisoner priviledges? I could not care less. That’s a whole world I have nothing to do with and have no interest in.

Random

October 30th, 2012
12:04 pm

Now he’s sent out mass texts saying he needs help with winter clothes.

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
12:12 pm

This cold weather is making me crave some soup. Any of yall have a bomb ass chilli recipe you care to share?

disco

October 30th, 2012
12:15 pm

hey kimmie.

random – y’all sure that’s your fam? he’s soliciting, it might be some kind of jailhouse scam. lol.

disco

October 30th, 2012
12:19 pm

slim – funny I was just telling someone I think I’m going to swing buy the grocery store for some andouille sausage. I have a crockpot recipe for stew with chicken, sausage and vegetables. of course, that’s assuming I’m still feeling it by the weekend because I doubt if I’ll bother during the week.

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
12:22 pm

disco – Yeah i’m saving my experiment for the weekend…too much to try to go out buy 1000 new ingredients all for a chilli craving. lol But that chicken stew sounds good. Let me know if you try it so I can try it the following week ;-)

kimmie

October 30th, 2012
12:26 pm

Hey disco!

I’m getting ready to go out and find me some soup now! See all it takes is a suggestion with me!LOL!!

disco

October 30th, 2012
12:28 pm

slim – I’ve made it before. i generally make it once or twice a year during the winter time. a little bit of prep – cutting, chopping and browning but the good old crock pot can take it from there.

kimmie – enjoy. don’t know what I’m getting for lunch. didn’t pack anything though so I need to be thinking about it.

i'm swiss

October 30th, 2012
12:32 pm

Slim — I make some kick ass chili. I could tell you the recipe, but then I’d have to kill you… ;-) :lol:

Leggs

October 30th, 2012
12:34 pm

You don’t have to kill her, just kick her a$$.

kimmie

October 30th, 2012
12:34 pm

I used to make this black bean and smoked turkey soup every winter. I have not done it in the last 4 or 5 years though. I am going to pick back up on it. It’s a recipe from Southern Living and it is da bomb!

Sassy Me...Mi wan go home :-(

October 30th, 2012
12:35 pm

I’m getting ready to go out and find me some soup now!

True…I made some spicy gumbo yesterday and I’m having that for lunch.

MsAtl

October 30th, 2012
12:35 pm

Afternoon all!
Random- Winter clothes? Isn’t he limited to the orange jumpsuit??? With respect to the cell phone in prison; IKR? I had the same shock when I found out that there were folks on FaceBook in prison.
On Topic- I agree with Bluz on her 10:18; why waste time waiting for someone to grow up. I spent more than a decade waiting for that and it seemed like he was going backwards. If I didn’t get out, I would’ve been back to changing a diaper. However, I do believe he owes it to her to at least raise the topic and have a conversation letting her know how he feels before he just rolls her crib to the curb.

disco

October 30th, 2012
12:35 pm

hey swiss – I know you are (sort of kind of) joking there but I’ve never understood why people who aren’t in the food business get all funny acting when it comes to their recipes. folks will guard a recipe tooth and nail. lol. I guess I never sweated recipes because I grew up with “ghetto gourmet” type cooks. we don’t hardly follow a recipe right because we hardly ever have everything we are supposed to have. we are some substituting, improvising individuals.

MsAtl

October 30th, 2012
12:37 pm

Disco- hiding my face as I agree with you on growing up like that, lol. Even when we had the items, we didn’t follow the recipe because we used pinches, tastes and dabs instead of measurements.

disco

October 30th, 2012
12:39 pm

mrs. ATL – were you married to Benjamin button? lol. re prison winter clothes. it ain’t all about the jumpsuit. they get to buy thermals, hoodies, skullies, jackets. they be in prison styling.

SlimNu

October 30th, 2012
12:39 pm

swiss – I’m not about to die over no chilli….but i’ll let you get a flash of the CT just as long as Mrs Swiss approves. ;-)