Are you dating a commitment phobe?
No one wants to waste their time in dating. If you want to date someone who actually wants a relationship, then you have to pay attention to certain things. Some people are commitment phobes and unfortunately they don’t walk around with a sign on their forehead, identifying them as such.
To be fair, though, many people don’t even realize they are actively avoiding commitment. It’s buried deep in other behaviors such as being unreasonably picky, sabotaging things that feel too real/good, or those disappearing acts that are oh so sexy.
Some people are happier not being in a committed relationship. That is perfectly fine, of course, but you have to be honest about it. Do you believe people are spending time dating you simply to be in your presence? They could be!
Just be clear that you don’t want anything serious – and don’t say “right now” because that is emotional terrorism. Nothing is worse than thinking someone is going to change their mind and holding on to false hope they will.
How can you spot a commitment phobe? How do you know if you are one?
Happy Monday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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369 comments Add your comment
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:37 am
Comon re commitment phobe, see 8:47
Enigma
October 22nd, 2012
10:37 am
Sooo…. this past weekend was cool. I went dancing on Saturday.
I drove by the Buckhead Bottle Bar around 8 on Friday but it looked dead.
What did you all get into ?
kimmie
October 22nd, 2012
10:38 am
disco – I know I am probably coming off confusing!LOL! I guess I am asking a few things, and admittedly mostly toward men. I don’t know of many men that would continue with a woman if he made it clear he wanted marriage and/or kids that said she didn’t want that. I mean he might hang around for awhile for the sex, but if that’s what they want a wife they go get one. Unfortunately women are the ones that will hang around, thinking we can change his mind. Or love him so hard he can’t help but want to marry us and make babies.
What I’m asking is when does that get old for a man? Unless she’s the real docile type that won’t complain for fear of running him away, does he ever tire of it? And even if she doesn’t complain or nag, the tension over the years has got to build up and be noticable.
And yes, I have known of some standup guys that would not string a woman along like that. One told me he was seeing this lady and she was good people, but he was just not the marrying kind. He said if he was, she would be the one. He broke it off so she would not be hanging onto him and could go for what she wanted. She went on and married. Dude is still single, as he said he would remain, but he said he really wanted to do right by her.
I know that might read as a fairytale to some, but there are such people in the world.
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
10:38 am
Comon – Trust me…I am NOT going to his place for a first date. No way…no how! I wanna do this right. BUT…he needs to come up with a plan on taking me out somewhere. It kind of irks me that it’s just “let’s hang out.” Dude better come up with somewhere to go eat or something to do…
disco
October 22nd, 2012
10:38 am
good morning bluz – fyi “come over and watch a movie” is game. it’s code for I’m going to try to screw you when you get here. also watch out for “what are you cooking”? it’s game too. means he’s fishing for an invite so he can come to your place for a free meal and then try to screw you. lol. there’s tons of little catchphrases to watch out for.
Leggs
October 22nd, 2012
10:39 am
Single ~ thank you for your comment. He doesn’t see it that way. I don’t understand how a man can ask a woman out and not say anything. Gotta go.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:40 am
Kimmie, men might not say it, but some will hang around hoping she will change her mind (breaking a man law)
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 22nd, 2012
10:40 am
still catching up but, kimmie … i LUV homeland!!!
Enigma
October 22nd, 2012
10:43 am
Bluz- going to a guy’s house for a first date is not bad as long as you are smart about it.
1) Wear decent clothing- nothing revealing
2) Arrive at his house around 12 end the date around 7
3) Bring a dish.
I’ve done it and nothing bad happened. If anything, he loved the brownies I made and his home made lasagna was on point.
disco
October 22nd, 2012
10:43 am
S/H – I would give a guy a pass (maybe – lol) if he asked someone out without a plan. maybe he wanted to see if she’d actually go out with him before putting energy into the plan. still, after he got an affirmative answer he’s need to get to work on a plan right away and bounce said plan off of chick in enough time for her to decide she’s down.
kimmie – re men and marriage. it’s no secret men usually dictate when folks get married. women walk around “ready and waiting”. men decide they are ready and pick one of the many at his disposal. women bide time trying to win the guy over. make him think he needs her and only her and all other kinds of foolishness. again, for the man, it’s a win/win.
SlimNu
October 22nd, 2012
10:44 am
Bluz – It does not sound like ole dude is off to a good start..You said he’s younger and it appears to be showing already.
SlimNu
October 22nd, 2012
10:44 am
And the overuse of ‘hang out’ takes me back to high school when we would all ‘hang out’ at the mall food court after school. I’m just saying lol
disco
October 22nd, 2012
10:44 am
enigma – have you met bluz? no offense bluz. lol.
Enigma
October 22nd, 2012
10:45 am
“he needs to come up with a plan on taking me out somewhere.”
You could always suggest somewhere.
Enigma
October 22nd, 2012
10:46 am
“enigma – have you met bluz?”
No I haven’t. Is she like crazy or something?
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:46 am
Bluz, “he has the place to himself?” WHAT??
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 22nd, 2012
10:47 am
Say you are the one that does not want a committment for whatever reason. You’ve done your “disclaimer” at the beginning of the relationship and don’t see your mind changing on the subject. You know the person you are seeing feels differently – they want a committed relationship. But they continue to see you even though you’ve told them up front how you feel. At that point, what do you feel is the right thing to do? Do you feel once you’ve made your disclaimer, you are free and clear to continue to enjoy that persons time and affections? Do you hang around until you’ve tired of hearing that person complain, if that’s the case? Do you feel maybe you should “save” them from themselves and dump them so they can find someone that wants the same thing?
pretty much sums up the last two years of my life. wouldn’t even know where to begin shedding light for you, kimmie. it’s complidated.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:48 am
Disco, this isn’t a new guy this is a guy that knows how leggs is, I’ve done the play it by ear dates, but there is while the plan may not be concrete, there is a basic plan in action.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:50 am
Enigma, why would you ask someone out and then ask them for suggestions?? IJS
SlimNu
October 22nd, 2012
10:51 am
if he asked someone out without a plan. maybe he wanted to see if she’d actually go out with him before putting energy into the plan.
It just dawned on me that we are all forgetting something….what happened to TALKING to folks before you just go out with them anyway. You know those first few convo’s where you find out each other’s interests, what you like to do, what kind of food you like etc….Then from that, any dude with a brain can come up with at least a first date idea. This is truly a world of Lazy Daters…Talk to me, see what I would be open to, and what I would be like HEYAL naw to and go from there. It should not cause you an anneurism to figure out a place to grab a bite, drink or some fun activity. Maybe it’s just me…
kimmie
October 22nd, 2012
10:51 am
Single – I don’t know any real men looking for a wife that would do that, with all the women out here looking for husbands. Hang around seeing if she’ll change her mind about sex, sure all the time. And even then unless he’s a troll, he’s still probably getting some from somebody until the chosen one gives him the greenlight!LOL!!
disco
October 22nd, 2012
10:54 am
S/H – got it. in that case I meant a “new guy”. lol.
slim – we’re not really forgetting that. like S/H pointed out, leggs has known this particular guy for awhile. he just continues to approach her with foolishness. also, even after a requisite get to know you phase some folks just don’t do well in the planning arena. of course, you also have to make allowances for those who aren’t really interested in the date so much as the possibility of getting some during or after said date. to them the date is what they have to use to make you available for them to make their move. lol.
kimmie
October 22nd, 2012
10:56 am
Hey Bluz!!
First red light is “has the place to himself”!
Sorry hon, you said he’s a little younger, but he sounds like he’s in high school. Any person can be/seem “nice”! Real men and women do not “hang out”, that’s high school.
Please, upgrade your taste. And I say this with much love.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
10:56 am
Slim it’s not just u
Kimmie, “real men” love that term (lmao) do you know any men that would get married just to say they have a wife, (and they are out there too) or do they say they want to get married when they have found the right one?
kimmie
October 22nd, 2012
10:57 am
Brat – Did you see it last night?? If not, I don’t want to give it away!
Comon ¢
October 22nd, 2012
10:58 am
disco~ You beat me to the punch. While Enigma may have been able to amke the “first date at home” thing work out, I don’t think that is in Bluz repetoire quite yet. Baby steps, y’all, baby steps.
Willie Dynamite
October 22nd, 2012
10:59 am
Morning all,
Hope everyone had a good weekend.
B4 I tackle the topic I have a question re; a plan.
Not that anyone is desperate so please don’t read it that way. But obviously the idea of having a structured plan laid out beforehand doesn’t always work so well. I would think that even without a plan if a man/woman wants your company that is a great start. Assuming you’ve done your diligence and hv checks in place (nt going to his house Etc) would just winging it be so bad?
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:00 am
S/H – That’s what I’m wondering…”having the place to himself.” I gotta dig a little deeper to find out what’s up with that. He told me he just moved here over the summer and is helping his brother build his business, so that may be who he’s living with.
Slim – Yeah…he’s not off to a great start, but willing to give him a shot…even though I typically stick to older dudes!
We’ll see.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:00 am
Bluz needs to stop getting these starter men and find her a man that’s finished!!
SlimNu
October 22nd, 2012
11:01 am
disco – Yeah, I can’t really speak on the dude that’s known Leggs for a while…no excuses for him except he can’t really be serious. I’m sure Leggs has probably called him out on it. I guess some guys just like to stick with one type of bait. lol In the case of Bluz’s new prospect, she needs to date older, not younger. I smell the ‘game playing’ in the air on that one already. And like someone pointed out, He has the house to himself this weekend
So no telling who all he’s got lined up to keep him and his bed company while his parents or baby sitters are out of town 
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:02 am
WD even when winging it, you have a basic plan in order, as in you plan a dinner at a place that offers a variety, you plan a movie at a 26 screen theater. Have some kind of plan.
Enigma
October 22nd, 2012
11:03 am
“Enigma, why would you ask someone out and then ask them for suggestions?? IJS”
Maybe because you like the person and want to get a feel for what they would like to do.
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:05 am
Enigma, as pointed out before, when you have a conversation and actually listen not just talk, you know what they like to do before you ask for the date.
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:06 am
kimmie – I do totally hear you. I’m really not too sure about this guy. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out on one date at least and see how it goes. He’s used the term “hang out” several times in texting and I don’t really like it. I’m wondering if we do “hang out,” if I’ll be footing the bill for my own food/drinks/whatever…
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:07 am
Bluz, “I’m wondering if we do “hang out,” if I’ll be footing the bill for my own food/drinks/whatever…” Umm YEA!! we just hanging out!!!
Comon ¢
October 22nd, 2012
11:07 am
S/H~ Are you finished? Maybe we could have a blog hook-up…
I kid, I kid…
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:08 am
One thing I do want to mention. This guy isn’t HOT…he’s kind of cute in a geeky way. There’s not really instant attraction, but he seems nice and seems like he’d be fun to hang with. I don’t know if he’s trying to play game, but it’s possible.
kimmie
October 22nd, 2012
11:08 am
Single – What’s so funny?
Most men either “find” the one when they feel they are ready and at the point they want to marry OR they get married when they find the right one. At least, according to my unscientific survey.
To be honest Single, my line of questioning is really geared at you. I respect it all day if you feel you want to stay single, though you hint at changing that. But does it ever get old, the constant explaining and dealing with the aftermath after you’ve made your declaration? Im just curious.
You remind me so much of a guy I stopped seeing years ago. He said he didn’t want to ever get married, but claimed he loved me and “maybe” he would change his mind. He had a daughter. He knew I wanted kids and a year into us dating declared he didn’t want anymore and was going to get snipped. I dumped him, but he decided not to get snipped and begged me back. I rode the emotional rollercoaster for another year until I just couldn’t take it anymore. When I broke it off, he still was dangling the “will I or won’t I” marry carrot. Fast forward 10 years. I have a friend that works at his same company and runs into him from time to time. She said he’s STILL playing the same games with women!
Comon ¢
October 22nd, 2012
11:08 am
Bluz~ Footing your own bill should not even be a question or a possiblity. You are making me like dude less and less and you just brought him up… IJS
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:09 am
Comon I’ve always been a finished man!! I’m one of those selfish commitment phobes (LOL)
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 22nd, 2012
11:11 am
on T: kimmie, when we met neither of us was looking for a committed relationship but we decided to remain “open” to the idea. i told him up front i was NOT interested in co-hab of any kind where young kids were involved.
so, one year he wanted to get married … and the battle began. the right thing to do was go our separate ways so that he could find someone on his page. that lasted about three months.
yup, kimmie. i saw it last night. surprised they took him down so soon. that only means there are waaay bigger twists ahead.
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:13 am
Comon – I would hope it’s not a question…BUT…I feel like I should be prepared to bring my own cash…We’ll see…
SlimNu
October 22nd, 2012
11:17 am
You should always be prepared by bringing your own funds to a date…Mama always said….
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:18 am
Kimmie , explaining, where dey do dat at? Explaining = dangling!! I don’t explain anything it is what it is. I would love to marry this girl, and she says she wants to marry me and she’s okay with not having kids, but every once in a while she mentions it. I told her on our first meeting that I didn’t want anymore kids and I couldn’t have anymore. no dangling here. There is no aftermath. My mind is made up we are either getting married next year, or we are going our separate ways.
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 22nd, 2012
11:21 am
leggs, on the subject of having a plan. s/o and i have gone back and forth about the difference between “considering” my likes & dislikes while still making decisions for us both. that’s a tricky thing to master, but it’s what i want from my man so … figure it out! (kidding. kinda)
Single and Happy
October 22nd, 2012
11:24 am
Lunch time
Leggs
October 22nd, 2012
11:24 am
Single ~ before I had to go so quickly, I wanted to say, that a man calling a woman up asking if she would like to go out that evening then says nothing else is a complete turnoff. To not have anything in mind whether it’s a movie, dinner, jazz spot, a walk, something leaves a bitter taste around the corners of my mouth.
I hung out with Bluz/ITL at Northlake Karaoke. First time meeting them. I had a great time but did not sing. ITL has a nice voice and Bluz sounds better than I do (I can’t sing). I will tell you all this, Bluz is not as whimpy and dogged as she posts here. In person, she’s very assertive and confident. Not sure where the disconnect comes from when bloggings.
ITL is a really a black woman in a white woman’s body. She likes to party, dance, drink and chat up everyone. She’s very affable and well loved by everyone there.
Bluz ~ I did get hit on by one of the married men there. I was walking by and he said “I bet you’d look great in a bikini.” I kept on walking. Ok, I wasn’t hit on, just a lewd comment was made. I remember most of the people there, Bluz, who did you exchange numbers with??
disco
October 22nd, 2012
11:27 am
brat – that is indeed a fine line. I may have mentioned on here the joke amongst my friends that I want a man that can tell me to shut up and I actually do it. the joke being that the average okey doke run of the mill man who tells me to shut up will get words up one side and down the other but when I run up on the man that tells me to hush up, be quiet, settle down and I actually do it… well, yep, he might just be the one. lol.
leggs – that’s what’s up. glad y’all had a nice time. re bluz’ disconnect. it’s not difficult to believe that she’s got herself together. she handles her business well (or so it seems). it’s just seems that men are or can be here downfall.
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:31 am
Leggs – I didn’t see this guy until the end of the night…he came up to me right before I was about to leave and asked if he could sit next to me because I was alone at the time.
Also Leggs – Boogie Man was all about me the night! LOL! If only he wasn’t old enough to be my granddaddy! No thank you!!!
Thanks for saying I’m not as whimpy as I sound on here. I am pretty confident out in public. I can’t believe I actually got up to sing. I was so nervous and know that I was singing off key! I told you I can’t sing well in front of people. I couldn’t even look at the crowd! I was hoping more people would join in and sing with me…
OK…dude just texted me that “there is the option of beer and a movie.” I gotta see how he drinks! That’s the bad thing about meeting a guy at a bar…you just don’t know how often he’s there. I kind of got the feeling he goes there a lot…Anyway, I told him that I’d like to see Paranormal Activity 4, so maybe we’ll do that Fri.
Bluzgirl
October 22nd, 2012
11:35 am
disco – you’re pretty much right. Men are the one thing in my life I’m having a hard time figuring out. I’ve got the rest of my isht together. I’m very sociable and confident out in public. I didn’t know anyone Sat night except ITL and Leggs (who I had just met), so I started out a little quiet and shy, but then I started to warm up and had no problem talking to folks. I handle my business…just learning how to deal with men…