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Are you dating a commitment phobe?

No one wants to waste their time in dating. If you want to date someone who actually wants a relationship, then you have to pay attention to certain things. Some people are commitment phobes and unfortunately they don’t walk around with a sign on their forehead, identifying them as such.

To be fair, though, many people don’t even realize they are actively avoiding commitment. It’s buried deep in other behaviors such as being unreasonably picky, sabotaging things that feel too real/good, or those disappearing acts that are oh so sexy.

Some people are happier not being in a committed relationship. That is perfectly fine, of course, but you have to be honest about it. Do you believe people are spending time dating you simply to be in your presence? They could be!

Just be clear that you don’t want anything serious – and don’t say “right now” because that is emotional terrorism. Nothing is worse than thinking someone is going to change their mind and holding on to false hope they will.

How can you spot a commitment phobe? How do you know if you are one?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

369 comments Add your comment

SlimNu

October 22nd, 2012
8:37 am

Good morning,

This ought to be a bit interesting…check back in since apparently I didn’t get the memo that we could come in late today. (Slim now turning on the space heater to get this place warmed up)

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
8:47 am

“Some people are happier not being in a committed relationship.” Yes we are!

“Do you believe people are spending time dating you simply to be in your presence? They could be!” you mean there could be other reasons?

“How do you know if you are one?” 50 never married! DUH

Just be clear that you don’t want anything serious – and don’t say “right now” because that is emotional terrorism.” Please, you can say what you want to , and some will still here “right now” because they think they can be the ones that will change your mind.

“Nothing is worse than thinking someone is going to change their mind and holding on to false hope they will.” (rotflmao)

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
8:47 am

WOW. This definitely should be interesting.

Good morning.

Enigma

October 22nd, 2012
8:52 am

Good Morning Folks,

I know a lot of you are going to throw arrows my way and possibly tar and feather me for this but here goes: Men and Women do want commitments. They want to find that one person that they can commit to. People are not afraid of commitments. They just want to commit to the right person.
If someone says they don’t want a commitment, they mean to say they don’t want to commit to you.

It’s a tough pill for most to swallow and that’s why we have the assumption that people are commitment phobe.
Don’t be fooled by it. Just quickly gather your things and swiftly leave that relationship. .

Celisea.....happy life!!

October 22nd, 2012
8:56 am

Not a commitment phobe…nope, not me! Of course a month or so ago I was accused of being one…lol :mrgreen:

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
9:01 am

Enigma ~ no reason to throw arrows at you. Well, not from me. I agree with your post. We are on this Earth to connect and procreate. Some shouldn’t, most should. You’re right, we want to commit to that right one. However, many have that right one, know they have the right one, but are still afraid possibly for what they may feel is giving up their liberties, their freedom to do as they please, when they please. Some just aren’t wired to cater to anyone other than themselves.

Celisea....happy life!!

October 22nd, 2012
9:05 am

Not a commitment phobe….nope, not me! Of course a month or so ago I was accused of being one.. lol :mrgreen:

MsML5

October 22nd, 2012
9:05 am

@ Enigma- I can agree with you. I was asked the commitment question recently. My response was “no, not ready for a commitment”. I actually am ready, but not with him.

Button

October 22nd, 2012
9:06 am

Good morning, oh la la the commit phobia man, the unemotional man, you name it, been there done that and it wasn’t pretty either. Mood draining. I must admit I did stay once because he said not right now. I just knew I could’ve change that mandingo oh how foolish was I.

I spot a commitment phobe by his attitude toward women and dating. In my experience a misogynist is top tier commitment phobe.

Enigma

October 22nd, 2012
9:07 am

“Some just aren’t wired to cater to anyone other than themselves.”

Leggs- this is so true!!!!!!

MsML5- are you staying while trying to figure things out or are you waiting for someone better to come along?

disco

October 22nd, 2012
9:11 am

good morning.

ML5 – I have to ask. why didn’t you tell said person that you didn’t want a commitment with them? is it a case of stringing them along or not wanting to hurt their feelings?

hey enigma. I see you were going where I was going with ML5.

Button

October 22nd, 2012
9:12 am

Engima, that was well said however, I do agree with Leggs comment.

Button

October 22nd, 2012
9:13 am

Oops spelled it wrong — Enigma

MsML5

October 22nd, 2012
9:15 am

@ Enigma…been knowing this guy for well over a year. Started out as possibly more than just friends but as time went on, I knew he was not “the one”. I think he thinks he can change my mind. Although I’ve told him several times.

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
9:17 am

“Some just aren’t wired to cater to anyone other than themselves.” Exactly what does that mean?

disco

October 22nd, 2012
9:19 am

some years ago my brother told someone he’s not the marrying type. one could suppose he’s got commitment issues. thing is, he’s definitely the shacking type. while it’s not marriage it is a commitment. guess I can take the generic stance that commitment is relative. lol.

Enigma

October 22nd, 2012
9:22 am

Thanks Button

Comon ¢s;

October 22nd, 2012
9:26 am

Good Morning, bloggies! Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!

Leggs~ How was the Stepper’s Ball?

On-Topic~ Some people are not built to commit and when they try it disastrous results occur. (I.e. they become serial cheaters) Others say they want commitment, but like Enigma said, they don’t want a commitment with you. They are marking time until something better comes along.

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
9:28 am

Enter your comments here

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
9:29 am

Had to fix my moniker.

Good point disco in your 9:19. I cosign completely.

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
9:29 am

Single ~ stop acting like brand new (lol). Point blank, it means there are a lot of selfish SOBs out there (men and women) who are emotionally draining, self-absorb, whiners and relationship sabatogers. There are many antisocial individuals out there.

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
9:32 am

Yea leggs, there are married, and single. so exactly what does that mean? and what does it have to do with being committed?

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
9:35 am

Comon ~ sorry to report I didn’t make it. I was out for 5 hrs jetsetting around town with my boss (took me to lunch and visiting other other spots like a cigar bar…the aroma was a bit much) and didn’t get home until after 7:30. Was hoping to take a short nap, but couldn’t get off the couch to go when alarm went off. I was spent and already comfortable at home. Mentally, wasn’t in the mood to go to an after party and dealing with all that traffic downtown.

Button

October 22nd, 2012
9:40 am

Why commit when you’re getting served as if you are committed, iow–why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
9:41 am

And, believe it or not, I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go with me so going solo was easy for me to stay on my couch. Comon, would have asked you, but I had no way to getting in touch w/u after leaving work.

disco

October 22nd, 2012
9:55 am

leggs – re going out solo. I do when I’m up to it, no big deal. however I have been putting out feelers to see who wants to attend a party this weekend. asked one particular guy friend and he immediately asks “is this a date”. I was like “uggh” because he and I have been down this road before. he’s knows it’s not a freaking date!!!! just two friends hanging out. nothing more, nothing less.

kimmie

October 22nd, 2012
9:58 am

Morning Gang!!

I wish one of you all watched Homeland, cause it was good and had a totally unexpected twist last night! Would be fun to get someone else’s opinion on it.

On topic – It is frustrating when you realize you are seeing someone who is resistant to either committing in general or just not specifically to you. Either scenario yields the same result. I am not going to dole out the typical advice. Of course if you find the 2 of you are not on the same page with respect to the future, then some decisions need to be made. I’m talking to grown folk here with some years and some experience under their belts, not some green teens/20somethings.

I actually what to look at this from a different angle. It’s the part that actually bothers me the most when I read of such dilemnas. Say you are the one that does not want a committment for whatever reason. You’ve done your “disclaimer” at the beginning of the relationship and don’t see your mind changing on the subject. You know the person you are seeing feels differently – they want a committed relationship. But they continue to see you even though you’ve told them up front how you feel. At that point, what do you feel is the right thing to do? Do you feel once you’ve made your disclaimer, you are free and clear to continue to enjoy that persons time and affections? Do you hang around until you’ve tired of hearing that person complain, if that’s the case? Do you feel maybe you should “save” them from themselves and dump them so they can find someone that wants the same thing? I’ve heard peopel say “well I told him/her how I felt and that if they left I would understand”. Does it feel good to continue to date a person that you know may be going thru some emotional turmoil because of your disclaimer?

Just curious as to the thought process when dealing with such an issue.

Button

October 22nd, 2012
9:58 am

my family used to give me so much flack about going out solo. They scolded me as if it I said a bad word.

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
10:00 am

disco ~ I attempting to do more and more by myself. Just don’t like going out alone. I will because I have to, but it feels weird. Don’t get me wrong, don’t need an entourage, but another person to talk to while out would be nice.

Perhaps he’s asking if this is a date so he’ll have a feel on how many bases he could win and if he should try to steal home (lolol).

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:02 am

Leggs~ Emailing you my cellphone number right now. Next time you don’t want to fly solo let me know. I actually said something to the hubs Friday night when we got home about how I wished I coud have gone. :(

disco

October 22nd, 2012
10:04 am

hey kimmie. re your post. I’m the one who thinks the disclaimer is sufficient to get the person off the hook. at that point they aren’t taking advantage, manipulating, running game, nothing. they were straight up and the other party is responsible for their own part in it. if they end up with hurt feelings that’s what they get for putting their feelings out there. I know some here don’t agree but my grandma always said “See a fool, use a fool”.

leggs – dude pulls this stunt from time to time. irks me because he knows I don’t want him and because if he really wants to date me he needs to approach me about it. what he does is wait until I bring up something basic and on the most platonic level and then he wants to try to turn it into a date. please. he also lives out of town and so he said that if he came he’d have to stay over at my house. BZZZ!!! wrong answer. granted we’re friends. had he agreed to come I would have offered for him to stay over at my house however I do not like him telling me that he’s staying at my house. he’s got me stuck.

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
10:11 am

@Kimmie having been down that road several times, (as recent as yesterday) If you would like to hang around that’s on you. we’re all grown, and have to take personal responsibility in our lives.

Disco, do I know you? (LOL)

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:13 am

Leggs~ Cell phone number sent. Call me next time.

disco~ However, you wanted a slump buster, this is it. Perfect candidate. He lives out of town so you don;t have to see him all the time and you can just use him for the “d”. Doesn’t have to be a date… :lol:

disco

October 22nd, 2012
10:14 am

good morning single/happy. yeah. you and me. me and you. we be tracking.

kimmie

October 22nd, 2012
10:15 am

disco – I understand one must be responsible for their own feelings, especially if they are told up front. That’s the only way to be I had to learn, but after some heartbreak I admit. I guess I’m trying to figure it out more from a man’s perspective. I would think it might get old after awhile, not so much fun, dealing with the strain of differing life goals like that. I’m not talking a few months, I’m talking these setups that go into the years. How do they deal with it?

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
10:16 am

Comon ~ I definitely thought about you. I’m manning another desk until noon. Will check email when I get back to my desk.

disco ~ I got into it last week with a guy who called saying when he asks me out I turn him down. I told him every time he calls and asks me out he doesn’t have a plan. Never! Just because you call someone to ask them out doesn’t mean anything if you haven’t at least have something on the agenda. Sure, I can suggest some places, but every time. Nope. Put some thought into the date other than the words “hey you care to go out this evening.”

kimmie

October 22nd, 2012
10:17 am

Single – Yes, you mentioned the lady you were seeing that wants kids and you don’t want anymore. My thing is how do you deal with major differences like that on a long-term basis?

disco

October 22nd, 2012
10:19 am

CC – roll with this theory. if I wanted old boy there would be no point in me whining about him trying to turn a friendly outing into a date. if I wanted him I’d be all ga-ga goo-goo over said outing turning into a date. I’d be on the blog like paul revere (was it paul revere? the british are coming?) talking about “y’all I got a date. I got a date”. lol.

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
10:20 am

Or these words “I can come over and we can discuss it together.” UUGGH!!

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:21 am

Single~ I was wondering wehat happened to ol’ girl too. I mean, you’re still “single & happy” is that going to change anytime soon, you commitment phobe?

Leggs

October 22nd, 2012
10:21 am

all ga-ga goo-goo – now disco you know those words do not fit you (lol). Just messing with you.

disco

October 22nd, 2012
10:22 am

kimmie – not that everyone in that scenario is a user but the one’s that are in it are benefiting and are good with things the way they are. what they want out of it or get out of it may vary but the point is they are getting what they want. they obviously don’t care what the other person wants but you can’t be upset with them because the other party obviously doesn’t care what they want either or they wouldn’t stay in the situation. of course, I’m not 100% I’m sure what question you are trying to answer.

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:22 am

disco~

Translation= He’s not that hot. :lol:

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:23 am

Off Topic~ One of my friends told me this weekend that I need to stop whining about my hubby using me for sex. She said when he starts using you for laundry, house cleaning and babysitting while he’s out having fun then I can complain. :shock:

Where dey do dat? :lol:

disco

October 22nd, 2012
10:28 am

CC – not that hot. no. he’s not “hot” but I give him credit. he’s a nice looking fellow, good stats on paper and good people. we’ve been friends for years. I’ve mentioned him here before. my primary issue which makes him off limits is he’s petite and secondly he’s not assertive enough for me. to be totally honest I’ll say that last night after I talked to him I had a brief moment where I thought of all the times folks said their s/o was right under their nose and they couldn’t see it. it was a very brief moment. I immediately shook it off, called a friend and talked about him irking me. lol.

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:33 am

disco~ You are a girl after my own heart. :lol: Assertiveness can be fixed. Petite? Not so much.

Bluzgirl

October 22nd, 2012
10:33 am

kimmie – I just love reading your posts. I was one of the girls who stuck it out when I was told from the beginning that he never wanted to get married. Thing is…he also was “crazy in love” with me (supposedly) and when the subject would come up and I’d get upset, he would dangle the carrot with a “I don’t know what the future will bring.” I was stupid to stick around waiting for so long, but was so glad in Feb when I finally decided that it was time for me to let go of him because he would never give me what I wanted. Looking back, I’m so glad he didn’t want to marry me. It would have ended up a miserable marriage!!!

Hey Leggs!!! I wanted to comment on dude asking you out without a plan. I met someone Sat night (after you left) who seems like a very nice guy. We exchanged numbers and he’s been texting me. Thing is…he’s asking when we can “hang out.” I told him Tues or Wed should be good for me and asked what we would do and he said “I don’t know…just hang out.” Then he said that he has his place to himself this weekend if I want to come over and watch a movie. I’d like to give him a shot, but I ain’t going to his house for a first “date.” He is a little younger than me and maybe doesn’t know better. His schedule is opposite mine, so it looks like it may be the weekend before we “hang out.”

Single and Happy

October 22nd, 2012
10:35 am

Kimmie, yesterday wasn’t her, it was someone that thinks I’m going to leave her. but the kids part, you make a decision and you live with it, the quickest way to end a relationship with me, is to try and change my mind.

Comon, I’m single as in not married, still thinking about it, it may change next year.

Leggs, how do you ask someone out and not have a plan?

czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪

October 22nd, 2012
10:36 am

How can you spot a commitment phobe? How do you know if you are one?
:lol: :lol: :lol:
gotta catch my breath.
brb :lol:

Comon ¢

October 22nd, 2012
10:36 am

Bluz~ Do not, I reapeat do not, go to his house for a first date. Make him take you out and wine you (maybe not wine. Sweet tea you) and dine you before you go to his crib. I don’t even know you in real life, but just from reading you, you will end up giving him the cookie if you go to his house for a first date and that would get things off on the wrong foot.

OK, my public (Bluz) service announcement is over… :lol: