Dating: I’m NOT your ex!
Full disclosure: I just received the coolest book about men to review. I mean, it is literally chocked full of revealing things about the male mind – appropriately titled, “WTF are Men Thinking?”
Admittedly, the title alone won me over. I couldn’t wait to dig in to get a glimpse of what 250,000 men think on topics that women are curious about. One question that struck a nerve with me almost instantly: “Does he compare me to her?”.
Now, listen fellas. Here is my PSA: A lot of women have to deal with their own insecurities from time to time. If you constantly compare us to your last chick or bring up your first wife, there will be problems.
Have you ever had this issue? If someone compares you to their ex, does that mean they are still in love with them?
Is it natural to compare your last relationship? When do you think it is appropriate to do so, and in what context?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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255 comments Add your comment
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:14 am
Disco, why am I not surprised (LOL)
SlimUno
October 12th, 2012
10:17 am
kimmie – Yeah you have a point. Initially, I think the beau was a bit iffy on dating me due to the time frame of my last relationship. His concern was feeling that after being with someone that long, that it just doesn’t go away over night. He was not certain it was OVER. But I had to break it down for him that i’ve spent waaaaay too much time on trying to make that work and I cannot get that time back. Ready to move on
Leggs
October 12th, 2012
10:18 am
Yes ma’am, disco. That type of writing style is definitely prevalent throughout this particular book. But it’s a wonderful, wonderful read. May even bring a tear to your eyes…wait, I forgot who I’m talking too (rofl).
DuShawn
October 12th, 2012
10:20 am
A close potnah of mine married my ex…..and I was in the wedding. That was my girlfriend my senior year of high school and part of my freshman year undergrad. When I go visit them, I give my man some dap and give his wife a good firm hug. I purposely hug her a split second too long just out of spite….
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
10:21 am
Slim – Like I said, it can take a minute to get there, but it is a beautiful thing when that ex is no longer a part of your everyday thoughts!
MsAtl
October 12th, 2012
10:24 am
S/H- true. I just don’t want that brief to land on my desk for review, lol. (pulling on the latex gloves)
SlimUno
October 12th, 2012
10:26 am
Dushawn – Did they come to you prior to hooking up to see how you felt about them dating?
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:27 am
MsAtl, if they’re that nasty, I wouldn’t want to touch anything they touch at anytime (LOL)
Leggs
October 12th, 2012
10:28 am
Good question, Slim. Since he used the word “potnah,” bet he did come to him.
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:29 am
Dushawn in the Color Purple “hea hea hea, you had her your way and I had her mine hea hea hea”
DuShawn
October 12th, 2012
10:30 am
@Slim- No, it wasn’t necessary. Several years had past before they hooked up. I was already married. Actually, I was happy for them. They are both my close friends.
disco
October 12th, 2012
10:31 am
Leggs – I’ll try. I’ve heard so much good stuff about her work and I’ve tried to read her books but it’s difficult. it’s almost like trying to read text messages. my brain has to work too hard to read her stuff. still, it’s on my list.
slim – that was sort of the topic on the radio the other day. former spouses asking the ex-spouse for their blessing prior to remarrying. apparently it was triggered because ashton kutcher supposedly asking for demi’s blessing to marry his new chick.
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 12th, 2012
10:33 am
former spouses asking the ex-spouse for their blessing prior to remarrying.
now that’s some wtf crap right there^
New Chick
October 12th, 2012
10:33 am
I new he was comparing to his ex when I made an innocent statement that ticked him off. I think dude was having a flashback. lol
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:34 am
Has anyone ever had the new S/O get upset because you won’t talk about your ex?
SlimUno
October 12th, 2012
10:36 am
DS – But if you were happy for them, why the need for a extra long hugs out of spite?
disco
October 12th, 2012
10:36 am
brat – a real WTF was the couple who split up because of adultery. the two cheaters married each other and then, lo and behold, the two who were left alone after the two cheaters left them ultimately hooked up and eventually married. how’s that for some blended family mess? both sides had children. the couple that married first gushed about how happy they were it worked out for the subsequent couple and credits their initial affair for bringing them together.
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:38 am
Disco, that some real BS
SlimUno
October 12th, 2012
10:39 am
SH – I wouldn’t say he got upset, but the beau was asking me stuff about the ex and i just didn’t see the necessity of whatever it was he was asking. He was just like, yall were together a long time so don’t act like yall didn’t do a lot together. I said, i’m not ating like that but why does it matter if i’m with you now. Even if the beau and I did something or went to the same restaurant etc, all that matters is OUR experience doing it together. I suppose there was some sort of want from the beau to experience totally new things together, which we have also done. But come on now, i don’t expect us not to go somewhere he took his ex before.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
10:40 am
Has anyone ever had the new S/O get upset because you won’t talk about your ex?
Single – Yep! And that’s some wack ish right there! I looked at dude like he was crazy. Last time I checked, not talking about the ex was a GOOD thing!
Willie Dynamite
October 12th, 2012
10:42 am
Morning all,
Topic- I think it’s hard not to compare your present to your past. Lingering or obsessing over it though would bring extra drama. Recognize it, make a mental note of it but don’t give it the power to sabotage.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
10:42 am
Single – A lot of people feel the need to create a problem where there is not one.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
10:43 am
Recognize it, make a mental note of it but don’t give it the power to sabotage.
Willie – Well said. That shuts it down.
disco
October 12th, 2012
10:44 am
S/H, kimmie – I actually get it quite a bit simply because I’m not very forthcoming by nature. I share information but generally on a need to know basis unless I’m feeling chatty. from time to time I come across the person whose entire life is an open book and they always talk about how I know so much more about them and their past than they do about mine. I’m like “quit popping off at the mouth”. lol. again, not saying I don’t share or I’m not conversational but everything ain’t for everybody’s ears. not to mention. women aren’t the only ones who hold onto information to use at a later date.
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:48 am
Disco, dang you sound like me, people tell me all the time that getting information from me is like pulling teeth, I be like um maybe it’s because you don’t need to know!
Bluzgirl
October 12th, 2012
10:51 am
Ok…getting O/T a little early. A friend of mine who lives in NOLA, has been married for many years. She also happens to be the sister of my close friend who passed away in March. Anyway…about a month and a half ago, she found out that he has been cheating on her. She’s also recently started abusing prescription meds to deal with everything. Her husband has been very blatent with the cheating…taking this woman out to dinner in public…rubbing her nose in it. So…last night, he apparently brought the other woman to their house and told my friend that he is leaving her for good and doesn’t want to work things out. How can someone be so cruel?!?!?! I just feel for her and since she’s so far away, there is nothing I can do for her…
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
10:54 am
” Her husband has been very blatent with the cheating…taking this woman out to dinner in public…rubbing her nose in it. So…last night, he apparently brought the other woman to their house and told my friend that he is leaving her for good and doesn’t want to work things out. How can someone be so cruel?!?!?!”
Why was she still there trying to work things out??
disco
October 12th, 2012
10:59 am
S/H – you ain’t kidding. she should have been in straight up plot mode on his behind.
Bluzgirl
October 12th, 2012
11:00 am
She kept hoping that he would “come to his senses”…I’m not sure how many years they’ve been married, but it’s been a really long time. He even said something about loving both of them! She’s been pretty messed up since her brother died in March and I think she’s very vulnerable now. She wants to leave the house at this point, but a lawyer friend told her not to because it could be viewed as her abandoning the property. My heart is breaking for her. She did nothing to him for him to treat her this way
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:00 am
Disco, if my wife would ever bring her “boyfriend” to our house with some mess like that, it would be a crime of passion, because death would do us part!!
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:02 am
Bluz, you may not be the one for her to lean on with this (no offense to you) but she couldn’t have prevented it.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
11:02 am
disco – I bet if you took a poll of my exes they would probably say the same about me. I didn’t talk much about other men to them and they didn’t need to know everything anyway. I was not being evasive, I just not only talked the talk but walked it too. I didn’t want to hear about their exes and unless it was something vital I needed to know about, they didn’t need to tell me.
One of my best friends, on the other hand, learned the hard way. Her past was one she was not proud of and she shared too much too soon unnecessarily with men she dated. Notice I said “dated”, nothing long-term.
New Chick
October 12th, 2012
11:07 am
S&H – Sounds like a scene out of Diary of a Mad Black Woman.
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:08 am
Kimmie, it’s sort of a good thing, because if they couldn’t handle hearing it from her, just think how they would have handle it hearing it in the streets. As for me, I would have told her and anyone else that her past didn’t matter to me, unless it could have some affect on me and our future together
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:09 am
New Chick, only I would have need Madea, I would have had the saw trying to split them half (LOL)
Bluzgirl
October 12th, 2012
11:09 am
S/H – She’s not really leaning on me at this point. Just kind of keeping me up to date on everything. To make it worse…she does have the power to take him down. He is a dentist and has apparently been writing prescriptions for narcotics to his mistress and she’s not a patient of his. He got in trouble a few years ago for writing out bogus rx’s and he went to rehab and cleaned up. Now, this stuff is starting again. I just hope she can be strong enough to handle her stuff and take care of herself. Maybe change the locks to the house to prevent him from coming in…
czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪
October 12th, 2012
11:09 am
disco, please tell me this is all from some book you’ve read. that can’t possibly be the doings of actual grown folk.
Bluzgirl
October 12th, 2012
11:10 am
It’s more like a Jerry Springer show!!!
disco
October 12th, 2012
11:13 am
brat – I can’t vouch for validity. just saying it was something some caller claimed on a radio show. who knows? they say the truth can be stranger than fiction.
Stephen king fans – I noticed that thinner was on last night too late to enjoy it. cujo came on after but I knew I couldn’t stay up long enough to watch it.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
11:14 am
Bluz – That would have been one of those “Snapped” situations. Obviously dude had zero respect for her and thinks she’s a pushover that will settle for any type of treatment. He knows how far he can push it, wasn’t even trying to be discreet about it. Because even if he fooled around, he would know better than to stoop to the level of bringing skank to my house. I’m not normally a violent person, but some blood would definitely have been shed! That level of disrespect would get to me more that the cheating would!!!
Leggs
October 12th, 2012
11:15 am
I was blocked out…had to use Google chrome to get back in.
disco ~ if anyone can read that horrible writing in The Color Purple, J.California Cooper should be a breeze.
“So…last night, he apparently brought the other woman to their house and told my friend that he is leaving her for good and doesn’t want to work things out.” – that mess would not fly in a black woman’s home (unless she’s his dormat).
I remember living with this man (almost a year) who up one day told me he was going back to Alabama and get the mother of his children and we would all be living together. I told him not on my watch. He went. I hired a moving company and moved everything out of that house. I left him one plate, one fork, one knife and 2 glasses and one plastic chair. I even took the fridge. He quickly found out he was messing with the wrong head B…..!
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:17 am
“To make it worse…she does have the power to take him down” That SOB would be on the super slide (LOL)
disco
October 12th, 2012
11:18 am
leggs – I never read the color purple. and WHAT??? dude was going to get his “other family”? lol. did he imagine himself running a harem or something?
kimmie / Single – I love when folks go straight into I wish a ninja would mode.
kimmie
October 12th, 2012
11:18 am
Single – That’s just it, these dudes would not have heard ish in the “streets”. Her “past” consisted of a little promiscuity in high school! She’s almost 40, looking back on it now, the stuff she did would probably seem pretty vanilla by today’s standards.
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:21 am
Kimmie, 40 explaining ish 20 something years ago, where dey do dat at?
Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"
October 12th, 2012
11:22 am
Leggs, dude had been watching to much TV (LOL)
Leggs
October 12th, 2012
11:23 am
disco ~ that’s the exact word I used, I will not be living in a harem. Guess he thought I was kidding.
disco
October 12th, 2012
11:23 am
S/H – sounds like she’s one of those open book people. “and when I was 7… then when I turned 13…. once when I was high school….. one year for spring break I….when I used to be married I…”
Bluzgirl
October 12th, 2012
11:23 am
I don’t know how she didn’t take a bat to his head last night. I know I would have…I would have hurt them both!!!
I just hope she’s emotionally strong enough to do what she needs to do. She had surgery about a month ago also and isn’t 100% healed. The poor woman can’t get a break! I wish I had the means to fly to NOLA and stay with her. I can tell you that he would get a a$$ whoopin from me for sure!!!
Sassy Me...PYT ;-)
October 12th, 2012
11:24 am
What it do blog familia?
On topic: I’ve never been compared to an ex but I have compared how I’ve been treated by my exes. I don’t tell the other person because I think it’s crass and stupid…it can also ignite some insecurities that could cause detriment to the relationship.
Off topic: Yesterday’s blog was freaking great