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Dating: I’m NOT your ex!

Full disclosure: I just received the coolest book about men to review. I mean, it is literally chocked full of revealing things about the male mind – appropriately titled, “WTF are Men Thinking?”

Admittedly, the title alone won me over. I couldn’t wait to dig in to get a glimpse of what 250,000 men think on topics that women are curious about. One question that struck a nerve with me almost instantly: “Does he compare me to her?”.

Now, listen fellas. Here is my PSA: A lot of women have to deal with their own insecurities from time to time. If you constantly compare us to your last chick or bring up your first wife, there will be problems.

Have you ever had this issue? If someone compares you to their ex, does that mean they are still in love with them?

Is it natural to compare your last relationship? When do you think it is appropriate to do so, and in what context?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

255 comments Add your comment

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:05 am

Honestly Diva, I’ve done it, but subconsciously. I think though, you have to fairly be open to giving the next love an chance. If not, that could be the detriment of something potentially great! Like I days, I’ve done it in the post, but learned letting go means all the way.

So, I get home and I’m tired, my kid asked if she could stay with my sister and kids another night since apparently they were having a few kits over. Soooo, I seized the moment! I invited him over to stay the night with me :) I spontaneously dropped it on him. :mrgreen: He cooked for me, I sat in with him and we talked. Y’all know I don’t drink. Buddy brought wine….lol After dinner, ummmm we enjoyed a nice adult evening……and night!!! Gotta admit it was GREAT!!! I SEIZED THE MOMENT!! :mrgreen: Mayne, I can’t remember the last time I had such a memorable night.

That’s all I’ll ever tell….lol Knocked me the heck over!

I truly hope y’all have a fantab day!!! I’m certain I will….lololol

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:06 am

excuse my boo boos

Single and Happier "Life Happens!"

October 12th, 2012
7:17 am

I’ve been compared to an ex, and after a certain point, they became my ex! Don’t compare my next with my ex, because there is a reason they are my ex!

Lady~cool beans :-)

October 12th, 2012
7:22 am

Interesting topic~ just had this convo last night with my boo regarding our exes…..it was comical but a bit of understanding came out of it on both sides! how ironic WD! ;)

Waving @ C~

Happy Friday MIA!

& no no one is in love with their exes lol C~ good point with subconsciously. On another note I had a recent dream about an ex and that left me baffled lol am I really subconsciously thinking about him lmbao. it was a fun dream though and it stops there! ha! #fridayfunnies ;)

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:27 am

Heeeey there Lady!!! What’s crackalackin?? Isn’t it weird how that happens? I chaulk it up to not having fully let go. I did it with my kids dad. Mainly though in the intimacy department. Didn’t want to start again. That mentality can be a killer…lol

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:29 am

I’ve done that before. I’ll say though, if he’s been on the brain, usually I’ll dream about him. Him being an ex or someone I may have desired.

Lady~cool beans :-)

October 12th, 2012
7:31 am

true sis~ I am leaving it there. those tricky thoughts are for the birds. just water my own grass bc its NOT greener over there trust. been there done that! lol #takecareofhome

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:34 am

Lady – Exactly…lol I like that…..”water my own grass”

Celisea

October 12th, 2012
7:35 am

Alright, I’m out! :)

Jeff

October 12th, 2012
7:59 am

That’s cool and all, but that means you have to stop telling me I have to dance around certain things because of something that happened in your past and “it really affected me and I’m really senesitive about it”.

Lady~cool beans :-)

October 12th, 2012
8:02 am

Jeff good point~ that point was made last night. but to play devil’s advocate I can’t ignore BS and if it quacks and looks like a duck its a duck and I am calling it out and I don’t want my past used against me especially if I have disclosed a reoccurring issue. “Follow your heart but take your mind with you”~

Exiled!

October 12th, 2012
8:24 am

I once dropped by at a mutual friend’s house and the wife made awesome dinner. When I got home I went to elaborate lengths,explaining what the other woman cooked and how and boy!,how I enjoyed that meal.
Queen was pissed and just retired to bed early leaving me in the living room,holding the remote.

Women can be funny sometimes.
So… talking of exes or another woman’s un-gutter strengths is a No No.

Woman like flattery and compliments and All the good things better be bout her!

Hey MIA!

I used to be here before

October 12th, 2012
8:43 am

good morning

I used to be here before

October 12th, 2012
8:43 am

Enter your comments here

Button

October 12th, 2012
8:46 am

That’s a big no no. I don’t want to hear about your ex and how she did this that and the other. Any guy who harps on and on about an ex still has feeling for her imo. I would tread very very lightly with that guy. It’s a recipe for resentment and insecurities.

disco

October 12th, 2012
8:49 am

good morning.

first things first. good for you C.

on topic, I think we all make comparisons whether or not we verbalize said comparisons. we may not even be comparing directly so much as simply noticing differences. it’s called paying attention. anyone who is always straight griping about the ex did this better or the ex had that needs to grow up.

exiled – that’s too funny. I could just hear queen telling you “well go over there and ask so and so to cook for you”. lol.

I used to be here before

October 12th, 2012
8:50 am

Before you deal with me, you gotta say RIP to your ex

Button

October 12th, 2012
9:08 am

I think it’s natural to compare your last relationship but not in the presence of the current. Find a random stranger and let it all out.

kimmie

October 12th, 2012
9:08 am

Morning All!

I’ve been in situations where a dude really over did it talking about the ex and it made me uncomfortable. Whether it’s complaining about the ex or complimenting something they did. There is nowhere to go with a situation like that except the door. And yes, there is a very thin line between love and hate. Two that complained about their ex the most to me went back to them!

Making comparisons out loud is always wrong, but be careful about those that go on in your head too. You would be surprised at how your thoughts can manifest themselves for others to see no matter how hard you try to hide it.

Exiled – I have actually been where Queen was in that situation. If it’s something you take pride in doing well, having your spouse/SO gush on and on about how someone else did it better can hurt. A simple “It was good seeing Joe again & his wife put out a nice spread. It was a nice evening” would have sufficed. I’m not so insecure I need 24/7 reassurance and I recognize that no matter how good I might be at something there is someone out there that can do it better. But I am the superstar in my own home.

disco

October 12th, 2012
9:11 am

kimmie – you go superstar.

Bluzgirl

October 12th, 2012
9:12 am

I think it is natural to compare some. It may be good if you compare (to yourself) how much better the new one is over the last one!

In response to Jeff’s comment, there are some things that were so hurtful in the past that we do not want to deal with it again. With recent ex, he did something one time that flashed me back to what an old ex would do that would hurt me. I immediately brought it up to him and he didn’t do it again (well, not for a while anyways). I think you should respect each other in that aspect.

SlimUno

October 12th, 2012
9:19 am

Haven’t even read the topic yet, but GOOD MORNING!

Lady~cool beans :-)

October 12th, 2012
9:23 am

resentment is an understatement especially if it appears your ex is doing better than you on surface……..folks really should invest in improving themselves and their flaws and stop the blame game. no one is perfect and life goes on but yeah it is normal to think about an ex bc they are apart of your past and even though the door is closed it still shaped your future~

Bluzgirl

October 12th, 2012
9:23 am

Morning Slim!!!

Leggs

October 12th, 2012
9:25 am

Good morning.

If I’ve been compared to an ex, I’m not aware of it. Haven’t had many bfs and my ex-husband never said anything to me about this ex. Different folk roll different ways. If you feel the need to compare to your ex, then go back to your ex.

czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪

October 12th, 2012
9:27 am

HiYas!

honestly, i could listen to a dude talk about his ex all day long. doesn’t phase me. i am who i am and i’m tickled pink about it. no diff than letting him talk about his bff, his boss or his dog.

but if it turns out his got unresolved issues with the ex … ciao! no hard feelings.

now jeff’s post brings up a good point. i am guilty of the “um. this feels familiar in a very bad way” comparison. can’t help it. i’ve learned to recognize what does NOT work for me, and i avoid it straight away. i believe it saves us both time and trouble in the long run.

Leggs

October 12th, 2012
9:31 am

kimmie’s right, Ex. Not cool to gush all over another woman’s cooking. Like she said, say the meal was delicious, and savor the rest in your own mind.

disco

October 12th, 2012
9:32 am

brat – I just saw “Braille” in your moniker. I’m straight tripping today apparently.

disco

October 12th, 2012
9:33 am

leggs / kimmie – re the woman’s cooking. for some reason I just thought of coal miner’s daughter when she used salt instead of sugar. poor dolittle went along and courted her anyway. lol.

DuShawn

October 12th, 2012
9:39 am

It’s a trip how time tends to fade the bad memories and only the good ones remain vivid. Before me, wifey dated a high profile dope boy. Years ago, we were overdue for a vacation, her misguided way of reminding of that was to tell me about the trips she and her ex used to take and the things he bought her. I’m like, ”yeah, he gave you all that, but he didn’t give you his last name. And isn’t that the dude you said kicked you in the stomach during an argument. And now you have the nerve to mention this mufukka in my presence like he was Mr. Wonderful!” Needless to say that never happened again. He got murdered a few years back. We flew back home to attend the funeral. She went…..I didn’t.

Bluzgirl

October 12th, 2012
9:43 am

disco – you just reminded me of a time when I made my first pecan pie. it was beautiful. BUT…I had mistakenly put a tablespoon of salt instead of a teaspoon! It was so nasty. Everyone was trying to be nice and when I took a bite, I told everyone to throw it out and quit being nice and trying to choke it down! LOl

Leggs

October 12th, 2012
9:43 am

disco ~ woke up this morning thinking of one of my favorit books. I recommend you reading it, “Family, by J.California Cooper.”

SlimUno

October 12th, 2012
9:46 am

Bluz – Howdy doody chica…

On topic: When we were cordial, my ex would tell me how he always compared other chicks he dated to me. But anyhoo, i think it’s natural to make comparisons of people from your past to those you currently date – IN YOUR OWN MIND. However, I think it’s rather rude to bring it up to your current SO. I would surely feel some kind of way about my dude constantly bringing up his ex. Because if she is sooo great and i’m merely occupying her shadow, then you need to go be with her ass. I don’t want to be your ‘Get over my Ex’ girl, transition girl, stepping stone girl etc…
Now the beau and I have had a converstation in general about our exes or what not and he is basically the total opposite of my ex i.e More responsible, more honest, more clean & tidy, more self-sufficient and no need to be running the streets all the time.

Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"

October 12th, 2012
9:47 am

Never compare the old with the new, if you see some similarities, and they are the reason you left the ex, don’t make them your next!

MsAtl

October 12th, 2012
9:50 am

Morning all,
I was once compared to an ex, but in a good way. Either way, that is not something that is harped upon. In the beginning I talked about my ex more, only because he went apeshit and tried to make my life hell once he found out I was dating someone. At this point, I try not to mention him at all, except where my son is concerned.
Have a great day all!

disco

October 12th, 2012
9:51 am

bluz – funny re the pecan pie. while nice, it’s also funny that people are so willing to go along to make you feel better. imagine if you’d screwed up a dish, not by mistake but just because you have no cooking skills. polite folks will have you bringing a bad dish to cookouts and holiday dinners for years to come. lol.

leggs – it’s on my list. is j. California cooper the one with that funny writing style. warped punctuation and all that?

kimmie

October 12th, 2012
9:52 am

don’t make them your next!

Single – I like that!LOL!!

Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"

October 12th, 2012
9:55 am

Bluz, your story reminds me of a friend who went to their cousins house for thanksgiving, his new wife had prepared some chittlins, and everyone was commenting on how did she stuff the corn in them, well if any one knows anything about preparing chittlins, some mentioned how it got there (LOL)

Yea, I’m from the country I did type chittlins (LOL)

Bluzgirl

October 12th, 2012
9:55 am

Now, it was kind of weird when I started “seeing” Mags (for that whole week or so)…he was friends with the ex and we did talk about how ex treated me and how I felt stupid because I let it all happen, but I learned that I won’t let it happen again.

Now…if Mags didn’t know ex, I would NEVER have talked about him in any way. Just like any future guy I date…there is no need to bring up the past.

MsAtl

October 12th, 2012
9:56 am

Morning all. Blog monster seems to have eaten my post. I have been compared to a ex once, but in a good way. In the beginning, I talked more about my ex, but only because he went completely batsh!# and tried to make my life hell once he found out I started dating someone. Now, he only comes up in the context of my son. Even then, if I send him one email, he will counter with ten, most of which I ignore. I do not interfere with him and his mistress and asked him not to interfere in my life. When he did try to interfere, it made for some unpleasant conversation, so I try to avoid mentioning him and definitely do not compare. Two different people; different life cycles.

Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"

October 12th, 2012
9:57 am

Kimmie, thanks, I have this friend that recently reunited with that had the biggest crush on in high school who could be my exes sister (which is really what first attracted me to my ex) well in getting to know her, she acts so much like my ex, it just burst my little bubble (LOL)

Bluzgirl

October 12th, 2012
9:58 am

disco – Now…the next year, I tried my hand at a chocolate pecan pie. It looked terrible, but tasted oh so good. I didn’t want to try it because it looked so ugly so I went to Cracker Barrel Thanksgiving morning to buy one of theirs. My mom was brave enough to try mine and raved about it, so I tried it and it was so good! Just too bad it literally looked like crap! LOL

kimmie

October 12th, 2012
10:01 am

Slim – As I alluded to earlier, I think you have to watch the “in your mind” stuff too. It really can affect what goes on on the outside if you’re not careful. In the past, I’ve been so caught up with my comparison thoughts, I could not be in the “moment” and really take in the new person and what he had to offer. In reverse, I’ve had guys kind of “drift off” and I know they are probably thinking about their ex, in fact I’ve asked a few.

I know for me, I knew I was really really over someone when I didn’t find myself making comparisons all the time in my head when I was with the new person. In fact, I rarely thought about the ex unless someone else brought them up. I didn’t wish them bad or anything. I just didn’t think about them anymore.

It can take awhile to get to that level in your head, I admit.

czBrat ♀ ♫•*¨*•Liviiing Singllle•*¨*•♫♪

October 12th, 2012
10:02 am

leggs’ comment got me thinking. i can’t recall any outright comparisons to an ex, but i have been told (twice) that i fit a guy’s “type”. i don’t take offense to that though. lord knows i have a “type” too.

MsAtl

October 12th, 2012
10:02 am

O/T- Ummm, when you see a co-worker heading into the men’s room with some reading material, lol.

SlimUno

October 12th, 2012
10:08 am

polite folks will have you bringing a bad dish to cookouts and holiday dinners for years to come.

disco – I rather you tell me how I could make something I cooked better. How else will you improve? I think it’s all in your delivery of how you tell me.

Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"

October 12th, 2012
10:10 am

Slim, so who the #$%# cooked this $!#$ wouldn’t be a good way to tell you?? (LOL)

I used to be here before

October 12th, 2012
10:10 am

LOL @ Ms ATL

Single and Happier "Life is simple, if you stop making it so complicated!"

October 12th, 2012
10:12 am

MsAtl, I’d rather them read than try to start a conversation (LOL)

disco

October 12th, 2012
10:13 am

slim – me too. some folks will tell you. others just don’t want to be “mean” and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. in the meantime they are all talking about the nasty potato salad behind someone’s back. lol.

bluz – a co-worker brought pound (bundt) cake to work once. she was so proud of it. she cut me a piece and it wasn’t done in the center. other co-workers were raving about how moist it was. I told her it wasn’t moist. it wasn’t finished. it needed to bake longer. serving up raw cake batter.