Dating outside your age range?
Ok listen, I just saw a picture of Denzel Washington on the cover of GQ magazine. I have no words. The man is just…well, he is 57! I am going to be perfectly honest and say that I have not been looking at men in that age range – but should I start? First, I should ask: Do men in their late 50s look like Denzel?!
Taking the totally superficial part out of the equation, how does dating outside your age range really work? I am talking about the generational gaps that can lead to awkward conversations, family disapproval, misunderstandings, mismatched libidos…I could go on!
Relationships can be challenging enough to get started. How do you start one with someone who is not in your “normal dating range”?
Have you ever dated someone 10-15 years or more older/younger than you? What advice would you give to a couple with a significant age gap? How do you think it differs from dating someone the same age as you?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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438 comments Add your comment
disco
September 19th, 2012
11:59 am
hey kimmie!!!
ITL – like I said those quotes were enough to draw me in. that right there is real. lol. I’m still tickled that after working with folks for years they don’t get it. every Friday I get the “any plans for the weekend”. every Friday I say “nope”. every Monday I get “do anything fun over the weekend”. every Monday I say “nope”. same for holidays.
Celisea
September 19th, 2012
11:59 am
Mike P – That was me… I agree with you post. I don’t see anything “natural” about tipping the scales either….IMO Outside of the fun to be had and an old cat looking at a young chick, believing he’s still got it, no can do.
Lady – I like #2 on your list.
Lady~sharpness is > than smartness
September 19th, 2012
11:59 am
lol pure hilarity~
Celisea
September 19th, 2012
12:01 pm
I like the dude I’m hanging with now. I’m not mistaken about anything. We are compatible in every way, starting with age.
Celisea
September 19th, 2012
12:04 pm
To MikeP’s post, I will say, IMO, there’s a bit more oblivion going on with older women and younger men versus older men and younger women. I think the same mindset can come into play, but because I think women are looking for security, they’re more “apt” to ride it out with an older gent than a young dude sticking around with an older woman.
Lady~sharpness is > than smartness
September 19th, 2012
12:06 pm
exactly C~ you get it! lol
Celisea
September 19th, 2012
12:07 pm
Lady – And that’s not to say there aren’t any real love connections but I bet the odds are there aren’t many.
Lady~sharpness is > than smartness
September 19th, 2012
12:08 pm
yup!
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:08 pm
ITL~ I’m not sure I see it as “prying” per se, but I definitely give you the side eye for wanting to be all up in my business and I don’t know you like that. I guess, again because of how I was raised and where, that you guys don’t intend for it to be prying but even being raised in that area, I would never do it because of what I was taught INSIDE my house.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:11 pm
BTW, ITL, the link to the book is here:
http://www.amazon.com/Divided-Sisters-Midge-Wilson-Ph-D/dp/0385473621/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348071060&sr=1-1&keywords=Divided+Sisters
I ordered it last night.
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:15 pm
CC – yep. some folks are just wide open. tell all their business and then have the nerve to be upset that their business is in the streets. playing it close is just second nature for me. as much as I like to talk I tell folks if I go quiet it’s because I don’t know you or don’t like you.
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:15 pm
@disco/CC: Sooooo, may I respectfully ask that you explain how that is being in your business? I’m not trying to be funny… I genuinely think of those questions as just polite conversation, not an attempt to be intrusive or step over any boundary.
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:19 pm
ITL – in general they are polite conversation type questions. sort of like interoffice small talk. we get it. BUT the thing is (and I’m speaking for me – not necessarily every black person) we come in with a bit of distrust to begin with so we dole out personal information on a need to know basis. not to go all conspiracy theory but you never know who is for you and who is against you. the people who look at you sideways are the ones that don’t feel they are close enough to you (yet) to share like that.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:21 pm
ITL~ I guess it is kind of like how people who have money don’t like to talk about money. They consider it rude. Well, based on what I have read, talking about the things you consider to be “polite conversation” back in the day (talking slavery & Jim Crow era) could get someone hemmed up. Therefore, we are raised not to talk about those things with strangers, but to play it close to the vest.
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
12:21 pm
ITL – I’m with you. Sounds like just polite conversation and not an interrogation into their life. Just trying to get to know you talk…
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
12:24 pm
disco/CC – So…how do you get close to people if you are so distrusting? Like ITL…I’m not trying to be funny…just trying to understand. Is it just with white people that you are like that?
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:27 pm
we come in with a bit of distrust to begin with so we dole out personal information on a need to know basis
I appreciate your candor, disco. I can’t speak for all, but I know my initial response to a reaction like that is to wonder if the person is hiding something. I know that, more often than not, it’s because the person is not ready/willing to share, but it does make me wonder what the “big secret” is.
Does that make sense?
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:30 pm
bluz – generally, in work situations, we aren’t here to get close. we are here to do jobs. hence why you hear so many of us (even right here on the blog) comment that we do our work and stay to ourselves. not saying it’s not possible to be friends with a co-worker but for me, personally, the relationship doesn’t go there until one of us no longer works there. there’s too much potential for someone to bring my personal life to work and it ain’t going down like that.
ITL – it makes plenty of sense. like CC said, it’s upbringing. a lot of us were raised to keep our business in our house. heck, I got a whooping as a child for telling me grandmother what my mother was doing. talk about being between a rock and a hard place. lol.
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:30 pm
talking about the things you consider to be “polite conversation” back in the day (talking slavery & Jim Crow era) could get someone hemmed up. Therefore, we are raised not to talk about those things with strangers, but to play it close to the vest.
I never even thought of that. Thank you for sharing that, CC.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:34 pm
I cosign on disco’s 12:30. At work, it’s too easy for you to have a disagreement with someone about work and the next thing you know, either your personal life ets brought to the job or you lose someone you considered a friend and the relationship at work is strained. I know that our firm has a strict no fraternizing policy for exactly that reason. Also, my mother would have had my hide for talking family business in the street. Even now that is the case. It is why many blacks steer clear of FB. My hubs does not have a FB page and I have several friends on my page who are actually HIS friends and that’s how they catch up with him.
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:36 pm
So, I guess the lesson here is not to take offense if you get that reaction. Or, better yet, I guess, don’t ask those kinds of questions that get you that reaction.
Kinda hard for me, though; I tend to be pretty friendly and outgoing….
kimmie
September 19th, 2012
12:36 pm
Hey Disco!
I miss hanging out with you guys!!
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:37 pm
Kinda hard for me, though; I tend to be pretty friendly and outgoing….
(which I guess could translate to I’m nosy and I talk too much!)
czBrat ♀
September 19th, 2012
12:37 pm
good day, good people.
not sure yous are even on topic, but i gotta say that with thing 2 finally moving out on his own, the last thing i’d want is another manchild up under me.
quite happy keeping the interest level within a 3-year range.
bout to lunch with thing 1, then perhaps find time to blog this afternoon. ciao for now!
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:38 pm
kimmie!!!! Good to see you here.
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:38 pm
ITL – by no means are we discouraging you from being you. just know and understand that if you don’t get the “bubbly, outgoing” response you are expecting that it’s not personal.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:39 pm
Bluz~ On the establishing closeness thing, I guess what it comes down to is that often, things that seem innocuous to you are not so simple for us. “Where did you work before here?” What if that person has a criminal record and tis is their first job? What if they were on welfare before and this is their first foray into the workforce? I mean, there are so many “what ifs” and you never know where someone is coming from. Therefore, rather than put them (an ourselves by proxy) in an awkward position, we don’t ask. We wait for te information to be volunteered and we follow the other person’s lead on what and how much they feel comfortabe sharing. That’s how the closeness is formed and the relationship is built. Does tat kind of make sense?
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:41 pm
CC – I just laughed with my brother last night. my new catch phrase at work is “don’t get me to lying”. it’s my response to all kinds of “none of your business” questions.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:43 pm
disco~ I say that all the time. “Oh, girl! Don’t make me lie!”
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:45 pm
well bluz/ITL, I think this session was rather informative. anything else y’all wondering about?
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:45 pm
@disco – I’ll try to keep that in mind.
@CC: But would it not be just as easy to respond, “I was unemployed, and this is my first job.” I understand your point, but I’m just wondering if there is not some “middle ground”.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:48 pm
ITL~ But, because you are friendly and out-going (read: nosy and talk too much
) it makes it easier for us to follow your cues and get to know you. For some people, that is off putting (just being honest). They know they don’t want to share that much and someone like you scares them. For others, they will sit back in the cut and marinate on what you have said and eventually they will be forth coming.
Since you date black guys (I am correct in that, right?)haven’t you form some close black girlfriend relationships? If so, analyze how those relationships developed and you will see the pattern.
disco
September 19th, 2012
12:48 pm
ITL – it would be easy to say that but why? to our way of thinking, that’s really none of the person’s business.
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
12:51 pm
But would it not be just as easy to respond, “I was unemployed, and this is my first job.” I understand your point, but I’m just wondering if there is not some “middle ground”
From your perspective, sure. From ours, not so much. My mother always used to tell me that I would have to be twice as smart, twice as talented and twice as good as someone white with the same credentials if I wanted to be considered equal. There are a million ways it is said, but I am sure you have heard some of them. Got to pay that “old black tax”, etc. So, if I already feel at a “disadvantage” per se, walking into the situation, all your questions do is make me feel even more inadequate and with less in common with my co-workers or employers.
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:52 pm
@disco: Now that you mention it…..
(I will apologize in advance if anyone is offended, and please know that I am not saying that this behavior is common to ALL AA women)
I had a close friend who was male and happened to be AA. On several occasions when we were out in public together, we received inappropriate comments/looks/gestures. It happens that all the times in question, the people doing this were AA women. So, I’m wondering… was this just a coincidence or is it really a strong issue with some AA women? For example, we’d met for lunch one day and were walking out to our cars afterward. A car of 3-4 AAWs came by, catcalling and making vulgar gestures, honking the horn, etc… They circled the parking lot until we got in our cars and left and then followed me and were riding my bumper, blowing the horn, etc….
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
12:59 pm
disco: I guess you’re right; it’s not really any of our business. Never thought of it that way.
CC: Just for clarification, I have dated black men, but I don’t date black men exclusively. I date men that appeal to me.
Your 12:51 is very enlightening.
So, my next question would be how do you maintain your need for privacy without coming across like you are hiding something or you have a chip on your shoulder? Or do you care if that’s the impression?
disco
September 19th, 2012
1:00 pm
ITL – lol. I must say that the women in your scenario were a bit excessive but I don’t deny that there’s been a time or two where I muttered an “mmmph” under my breath or if I was with someone we exchanged a glance. usually without even thinking about it.
another one of those things (for me anyway) is that I always try to be aware of how many other people of color are around.
btw – is it a slow day or have we chased folks away with our topic? either way, I’m off to lunch. be back.
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
1:01 pm
CC and disco – thanks for being so open about everything. It does explain whey it has taken a while to get to know some of my AA co-workers. I wondered if it was something to do with me. Now…I also have learned to be careful who I tell a lot to (black or white)…it’s easy to get burned if someone knows too much about you…
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
1:02 pm
ITL~ Having been part of an interracial couple for 9 ears, I will tell you there is hate on both sides. I had a woman tell me when I was pregnant with my daughter that my baby was an abomination to God because he never intended for the races to mix.
Also, when you combine that with the fact that women outnumber men 6-1 in Atlanta, every man you are dating is a potential man they can’t date. There has to be some reason that he’s with you instead of them and therefore, the reason is race. It can’t be that you’re nicer, prettier, smarter, more compatible, etc.
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
1:08 pm
@disco: But why the “mmmmph”? I’m not trying to be funny, but I don’t do that when I see an interracial couple together, because it’s just two people together.
@CC: Exactly. EVERY man I date is one out of the available pool – at least for a little while. So why haven’t I experienced that when out with an hispanic friend or an asian friend?
Into the Light
September 19th, 2012
1:21 pm
Marco………
Jake-Colt 45 "It Works Every Time"
September 19th, 2012
1:24 pm
What up good People!!
Hey there White Chocolates…Bluz/ITL….I see ya’ll have been getting some inside info on race relations from Comon and Disco
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
1:24 pm
ITL~ Because of the history between whites and blacks. No other racial groups have the history that whites and blacks have together and, in many respects, continue to have in this country. Whether you are willing to admit it or not, the white race spent a lot of years trying to destroy the black family. That is a bitter pill for many blacks to swallow when they see someone of their race out with someone who is white.
As far as the perception of attitude or a chip on my shoulder, generall if I am with a group of AA, they already know what it is. If the group is majority WW, I’m not sure that I care if they think I have attitude. And that is part of the issue. Because we come from such different backgrounds, what I percieve as the norm, you perceive as rude. Then I wonder why you are acting like you have a chip on your shoulder when all along it is because you perceived I have one on mine.
Jake-Colt 45 "It Works Every Time"
September 19th, 2012
1:27 pm
Hey Bluz/ITL-do you or someone in your family make a great Green Bean Casserole? I am asking for a reason.
Single and Happier "Life Happens!"
September 19th, 2012
1:32 pm
CC it wasn’t just the black family, the white man has tried to destroy and conquer every race on every continent except one, and that was the Asian continent.
Mrs. SexyCool
September 19th, 2012
1:33 pm
When the shuttle blew up, I was in my seventh grade chorus class. The library assistant ran into the room, hollering, “The shuttle blew up. The shuttle blew up.”
I don’t remember being very upset. Today, that would require counselors come to the school and talk to everyone.
#KanyeShrug
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
1:34 pm
CC – I can understand all of that, but it makes me sick that race is so much of an issue with so many people. There’s so many generalizations. I mean…I had nothing to do with trying to destroy any black people, so why do I get punished for it just because I’m white? I guess I get frustrated because I’ve experienced racism directed at me for being white.
I’m glad we can have these open and honest discussions…
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
1:35 pm
Jake – I’ve made it before and it was pretty darn tasty! Why do you ask?
Comon Cents
September 19th, 2012
1:35 pm
Jake~ Before I learned to “really” cook, I was responsible for the green bean casserole every year. LMAO! I can make that stuff just right!
Bluzgirl
September 19th, 2012
1:36 pm
I’m off to lunch…be back shortly