accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Anger issues a deal breaker?

I just read about NFL player Chad Johnson’s domestic violence arrest over the weekend. He has been released from the Dolphins and his wife of 41 one days is filing for divorce. Needless to say, he is having a very bad week.

Johnson apparently has a history of physically fighting with his significant other. I wonder if single people bother asking specifically about their date’s history with physical violence?

I know it’s not the sexiest topic, but it could be quite informative to ask a general question about arrests and domestic violence. Shouldn’t a history of violence and anger be a red flag of something to come?

Would you want to get involved with someone if you knew they had problems controlling their temper?

We all go through human emotions, but real anger issues in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. Why do so many of us overlook it when we see that kind of behavior?

When you consider bad dating behavior, is it likely the same thing would happen in a marriage or a committed relationship?

I remember my Grandmother always telling me that if something about a man bothers me during dating stage, imagine that same thing magnified and worse when I marry him. If the issues are there before marriage, they get deeper and more painful when you are tied to one another.

What do you do when there is an issue you are dealing with in your date’s personality that could prove to be a really tough challenge when things get more serious?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

253 comments Add your comment

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
10:10 am

Bluzy – I feel you. I’m not just going to up and be angry. But yeah, I’ve said things that cut deep. Once words are out, they’re out and you can’t retract. And like someone said, two volatile personalities should probably not be together….period.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:11 am

Morning C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~ :) I am in and out for a sec…..give me 20min! Good to read ya!

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:11 am

Lolalee, hmm I see you’ve got that down pat (LOL)

Comon Cents

August 15th, 2012
10:12 am

disco~ Hence the “lol” on the “correcting”. I just don’t get it. SMDH.

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
10:13 am

Lady – Good to read ya as well :)

disco

August 15th, 2012
10:17 am

S/H – I own my anger. it’s mine. I get it. what I’m tirading about is people who refuse to show anger or at least refuse to show anger at the person it’s directed to. then they want to sit up under me (or whoever) and B and moan about how they are being mistreated. I’m like GTFOH with that. if so and so has you this worked up you need to take it up with so and so. it doesn’t always have to culminate in a fight or angry words but you definitely have to stand up for yourself and every now and again put your foot down. like I said earlier, stopped getting punked OR at the very least, stop getting punked and then whining to me about it.

S/H – and I’m going to throw the petite men a bone right here. I’ve noticed that lots of small men can actually really fight. get their little squabble on. a lot of bigger guys never had to fight much as their size alone was a deterrent then when push comes to shove they are just big but with no fight game.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:18 am

Disco, I’m playing catch up, you say you’re good with fighting men, there is a certain age that MEN stop fighting, and for most it’s in the late teens to early twenty’s, anything other that to protect me or mines just aint worth fight for.

Willie Dynamite

August 15th, 2012
10:18 am

Morning All,
Anger issues during initial dating is an absolute deal breaker. I have an easy going personality so I’m not trying to deal with it. That is why I don’t go back and forth with folks, especially women. Honestly I don’t even want to around anyone who I think might fly off the handle.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:21 am

Disco, okay I get you on the anger issue.

Yea people always want to try the little guy (women included) (LOL)

lolalee

August 15th, 2012
10:23 am

I’m not really sympathetic to domestic violence victims. as far as I’m concerned, they get what they get

DISCO Seriously?! What planet are you from? Domestic violence victims are often broken down by their partners over a long period of time, and then it might be a small incident and first, then apologies and roses, then another incident. It wears away at them. Maybe some start to believe that somehow they deserve it (”if I’d just had the food ready when we got home” “if I wasn’t too tired to have sex”). That’s wack, but that’s how it works. You can go watch court cases anytime, and you’ll see a wide range of people– rich,poor, working, educated, uneducated, smart, stupid, etc etc.

lolalee

August 15th, 2012
10:25 am

Single and Happy a certain age that MEN stop fighting

Exactly. MEAN learn to stay away from brawling.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:27 am

okay let me catch up a bit~

lolalee

August 15th, 2012
10:27 am

Disco ~lots of small men can actually really fight. get their little squabble on

Wow. You got somekinda attitude towards men who aren’t tall. What’s the height limit on “small” men?

Comon Cents

August 15th, 2012
10:28 am

lolalee~ You can only be broken down over a long period if you allow yourself to be. There is no excuse for staying with a man that puts his hands on you. period. If we would stop making excuses for the women who stay, less of them would stay. It’s too easy to say “well, he controls the money” or “I just love him so much”. Women need to wise up and realize that if a man puts his hands on you he doesn’t love you. No excuses, no apologies. JMO

disco

August 15th, 2012
10:31 am

lolalee – seriously. like I said, first time shame on you, second time shame on me. any of us can be hit by a partner that first time. what we do if/when that happens is up to us. a person can choose to stay or choose to go. as for a person being broken down slowly, that’s also on them or we can blame it on their parents/upbringing. we can place blame all kinds of places but folks are responsible for themselves.

re the small men thing. it’s nothing. just a little jokey joke among blog friends.

Comon Cents

August 15th, 2012
10:33 am

disco~ you and I are on the same wavelength when it comes to this issue.

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2012
10:33 am

like I said earlier, stopped getting punked
disco There’s the other side to that coin too though. Some people think EVERYONE is try to punk them ALL the time, so they’re always on the defensive and confrontational. The funny thing is that most of the time, probably nobody is even thinking about them, let alone trying to punk them.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:34 am

okay what is the difference between anger and resentment and when does resentment become a issue with trying to get to know a new mate when the resentment is from a past relationship…..this may be a bit rhetorical but I need clarity on anger and resentment and how both can affect a person dating a new person…..

disco

August 15th, 2012
10:39 am

DM – yep. that makes sense so I’m on board.

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
10:39 am

Lady – For me, resentment comes into play if it goes personal and beyond keeping with the issue at hand. I believe I can be forgiving but at that point, I’d just rather move away from it all and leave it alone. I think resentment can be the fallout of unresolved anger. Where one of a couple may have an issues they feel merits discussing and the other discounts and shrug it off as nothing…and vice versa. I have experienced in a past relationship saying I’ve forgiven but it’s still there. At that point, the unresolved issue always came out, no matter the discussion or issue.

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
10:42 am

Lady – So to answer, I think anger can turn to resentment or can be separate and held and dealt with, avoiding resentment. I do think though resentment is more deep rooted. As it took time for resentment to set it, if ever to be resolved, it’s going to take for it to be removed or dealt with.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:42 am

Comon, Disco, this long period of time usually starts at a young age, long before the abuser get there. It starts at home of what you see your parents go through, and how they treated you.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:43 am

why are my comments not going through 0_o

disco

August 15th, 2012
10:44 am

S/H – I’m not even going to argue the psychobabble. my point, and I believe CC’s point as well, is that grown women can choose to be battered or choose not to be battered. doesn’t matter if momma was battered, daughter doesn’t have to be. daughter’s got a mind of her own. she oughtta use it.

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2012
10:44 am

when does resentment become a issue with trying to get to know a new mate when the resentment is from a past relationship
Lady Hey how have you been? I’d say resentment becomes an issue as soon as I can recognize it. If I see it on date 1, then I’m putting the brakes on. If the resentment is from past relationships (meaning it’s not related to me), then there’s nothing I can do personally to change that. That person has to confront that issue themselves. If they don’t, then it’ll surely be a recipe for disaster in every relationship going forward.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:47 am

wow guess I will just say this C and DreamsM you two are spot on!!!! I had more to say but it won’t come through~

All is well DreamsM thanks for asking!!!!! Wishing you a successful school year too with your little one~

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:48 am

Disco, for some when it’s been instilled in you, it’s hard to get out, just like you not liking short men, it’s hard to change your thoughts (LOL) (had to throw that in there)

But seriously it take some longer that others to realize this isn’t how life is meant to be!

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
10:49 am

It will be interesting to see how a person think they can move forward being resentful in a new relationship and think its going to be healthy and balance~

C you are on it~ my silent thoughts. just wanted to make sure I assessed the situation correctly for a good friend…..

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
10:50 am

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
10:54 am

Resentment is something most like to say they don’t have, but usually do, IE: that’s the same way he/she used to act! He/she used to say the same thing.

Even though one has nothing to do with the other in our minds it’s going to lead down the same path.

disco

August 15th, 2012
10:56 am

S/H – I still say it boils down to personal choices. and there’s a big difference between liking short men and not liking for someone to go upside my head. lol. shoot, I didn’t like it when my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles whooped me. couldn’t wait to be grown so the whoopings could stop. wish I would take up with a man who thought he was going to whoop me.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
11:00 am

SH you are so right it is a great observation that I called someone on too after they admitted it then wanted to change their stance. My counseling skills are kicking in. Change is an inside job and all counselors do is LISTEN and RESTATE what has been said and its on the person to confront~ Confrontation is healthy to me but denial can be a trap~

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
11:01 am

Disco, your parent’s whopped you when you were bad, but you didn’t see them fighting and saying I love you after the fight. your parent’s didn’t tell you that you were stupid, no one will ever want you, you will never amount to anything.

And from the sound of all the whooping you got, you were a bad ass lil girl (LOL)

lolalee

August 15th, 2012
11:01 am

wish I would take up with a man who thought he was going to whoop me.

Disco you oughtta learn boxing, healthy outlet

Willie Dynamite

August 15th, 2012
11:01 am

DreamsMat – cosign that 10:33. And I think that’s a anger issue as well.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
11:02 am

Thanks folks!!!!! I will be back a lil later!

DreamsMaterialize

August 15th, 2012
11:03 am

DM – yep. that makes sense so I’m on board.
disco Uh oh, I think that’s like three times you’ve agreed with me on something. You better disagree with my next point off GP just so I don’t think you’re losing your edge. lol

Into the Light

August 15th, 2012
11:03 am

Still catching up.

I thought of you yesterday, disco. I walked past a mom and her daughter (the kid was probably 10-ish) and the mom was telling her, “See…that’s why I’ll leave you at home next time. Do you see that big mirror up there? Everyone in here and can see it, and they’re all gonna see you sprawled on the floor if you don’t quit.” I was thinking, “Dang….disco didn’t tell me she was coming to Marietta!” LOL :lol: :lol: I’ll tell you this, though, everytime I passed them after that, the little girl was walking the line.

disco

August 15th, 2012
11:03 am

S/H – you don’t know my parents. LOL.

Comon Cents

August 15th, 2012
11:03 am

S/H~ Even if something is ingrained in you from a young age, it is on you to move past your past and make your own life. Anyone can blame their current situation on their childhood because no one’s childhood was perfect. At some point, as an adult, you have to take accountability for your own circumstances.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
11:03 am

Lololee a lil S&M aint all that bad (roflmao)

lolalee

August 15th, 2012
11:05 am

But seriously it take some longer that others to realize this isn’t how life is meant to be!

Single and Happy Exactly!! Just like some folk think having your power cut off is on the regular is just the way it is, some folk think having no money saved is just the way it is. It takes time to change the way folks think. And when the partner is perpetuating negative thinking it’s even harder for somebody to get the heck out. Disco’s thinking is like telling an addict “well, you just have to stop taking that drug.” Yes, that’s true. But it doesn’t play out that easy.

Bluzgirl

August 15th, 2012
11:08 am

I know all about resentment turning into anger. The last six months of my last relationship was full of resentment on my part. I resented that he wasn’t working or even looking for a job, that he stayed home and played on the internet all day, that I was broke because I was paying for everything, etc. I should have ended it when the resentment set in. There was no going back at that point…I stayed angry at him a lot, but I also loved him very much. It was a crazy place to be…

Comon Cents

August 15th, 2012
11:09 am

I don’t agree with the addiction analogy. Addiction is a PHYSICAL dependency on something. Abusive relationships are a mindset. No matter how you got the mindset, if you don’t like the scenery then change you position. And if you do like it, then stay where you are, but don’t expect others to give you sympathy for a choice that you are making. Also, with the amount of information available today, there is no reason to stay in a bad situation like that. I could see if we were talking about 50 years ago when you just didn’t discuss tings like that, but now there are outreach programs, websites, etc. etc. etc. No excuse.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
11:09 am

Comon, for some of us moving on is as easy as driving down the road, for others, since I don’t know what’s down that road, I’m going to stay where I know!

I had to get on someone years ago, because i over heard them tell someone in an abusive relationship “that a bird in the hand was worth 2 in the bush” If that bird is pecking at your had trying to get out, let it go! The one’s in the bush may be better for you, but you have to let one go to find out.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 15th, 2012
11:11 am

Bluz, go down the road, let it go.

Celisea

August 15th, 2012
11:13 am

Bluzy – Resenting and loving someone at the same time is like trying to walk backwards and forward…at the same time.

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
11:13 am

Comon Cents 11:03 Exactly~

I meant to add Change is an inside job and happiness but y’all know this~ :-)

Lady~cool beans :-)

August 15th, 2012
11:13 am

disco

August 15th, 2012
11:14 am

ITL – that’s funny.

DM – either I’m losing my edge or you are getting more edge to you.

lolalee – I laughed because I have told addicts just that. while I understand the addictive qualities of certain drugs a lot of addiction is more the result of an “addictive personality”. goodness knows I’ve got my share of experience with addicts. some folks are always going to find something to be addicted to be it drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, lotto, coca cola, sunflower seeds. you name it. what the song say – “too much of anything makes you an addict”