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Dating: Realitistic expectations

I was listening to my guy friend Paul recently talk about some challenges he faced in dating. He has not been able to meet anyone who meets his standards, which he admits are a little unrealistic.

Paul works as a personal trainer, so he really wants to meet someone who is fit, into healthy living, and wants to help him build his business.
The women he meet are leading busy lives and don’t seem open to the idea of putting their careers on hold to help him with his goals. Is it realistic to expect something like this is dating?

I think a lot of us have an idea of what we want in a mate. We may not admit it but we have a mental checklist of what we consider ideal for us. How realistic are those expectations we have when it comes to dating?

Do you think single people need a reality check about what to expect from dating and relationships?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

292 comments Add your comment

Stonethrower

August 13th, 2012
7:28 am

What you permit, you promote.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
8:25 am

I think that the realisticness of the expectations depends on the age of the people daing. If you are in your 20’s, it is realistic to help your partner build his/her career. However, if you are in your late 30’s/early 40’s I don’t think it is nearly as realistic. I would expect that someone at that point has already established their business rather than just starting out.

disco

August 13th, 2012
9:02 am

good morning. CC, I agree with you. I was feeling old boy when he said he wanted a fit/healthy person. nothing wrong with that. seeking someone to help him build his business almost read as a red flag to me. if he’s about his business then he needs to be about his business. I would have been more understanding had he asked for a woman who was understanding of the fact that he was working hard to build his business. yep, to me it sounds like he’s asking for too much. he needs to get a grip. some years ago I had a guy feel some kind of way because I wasn’t supportive enough of him starting a business. mind you said business was nothing more than his selling some kind of herbal supplement health craze never heard of it drink supplement on the side. I was like really. have at it but if you want my support you need a business that I can support. wasn’t feeling the “janky juice” (I forget what it was really called).

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
9:06 am

disco~ Was it the HerbalLife stuff? I knew someone who sold that stuff and I swear to God it was always about selling! Made me want to just tell them to shut up! LOL!

DreamsMaterialize

August 13th, 2012
9:06 am

Morning
Again, it’s about compatibility. Find someone who is willing to sign on to your plan. It may not be easy, but it’s not unrealistic. And sometimes you’ll have to wade through sh!t to get to the prize. How much do you really want what you say you want?

disco

August 13th, 2012
9:14 am

CC – naw. it was something weird and unheard of with a crazy name like “lava juice” or something. supposed to be made with something weird from some remote never never land someplace or other that had magical healing powers. it was totally crazy as far as I was concerned and I was not giving him my stamp of approval on the mess. dude even wanted to give me free samples to drink and tell all my friends about. puh-leeze.

DreamsMaterialize

August 13th, 2012
9:20 am

Morning Ladies. Oh before I forget, I just wanted to put you on to this new Wheatgrass Kale Juice I’m selling. It’ll change your life. It’s good for your cholesterol, is high in antioxidants, reverses aging, prevents foot odor, improves vision, promotes weight loss, and can even act as a perfume. The juice is only $1.99 a bottle, plus a $1000 lifetime membership in the WKJ Association. Just sign here… lol

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
9:24 am

disco~ I remember that stuff. Had a crazy family member that was trying to sell that. “It will stop ADD sysmptoms, etc. etc. etc.” It was supposed to be the next “wonder juice” LOL! That is when you can consider yourself blocked & deleted! LMAO!

Deams~ see note above.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:26 am

If I’m reading this right dude wants a woman he’s DATING to put their career on hold so she can help him with his goals. This is too much, yeah I would if she was my Wife. I would never ask a woman I’m dating to stop what she’s doing to help me attain my goals. More power to him if he lands one like that.

Good Morning:

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 13th, 2012
9:26 am

Morning all.

There’s nothing wrong with supporting someone in their dreams at any age, as long as you don’t neglect yours, and get the same support in return. It’s unrealistic if you’re expected to stop your life and be in support of everything they do. I can give you all the support in the world as long as you can hold your own, if you can’t and this hole is getting deeper, it’s time to wake up to reality.

Exiled!

August 13th, 2012
9:31 am

Ditto Single!

I like that perspective…

merning folks!!!

Mr_NYC

August 13th, 2012
9:33 am

Good morning – checklist, preferences and the search for the ideal. Probably most have some or all at play in their search. I guess whether or not it is realistic depends on how close you come to getting what you want. If you are striking out a lot or seem to come up empty — time to re-evaluate either the checklist or the pond you are fishing in. Of course the other side of the coin is you meeting someone else’s ideal checklist.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:34 am

If he lives in the little A and expects a woman that’s maintaining her own life to flow with his yeah he’s gonna have a lot of more challenges to over come.

disco

August 13th, 2012
9:35 am

CC – this particular guy lives down that way so I’m sure he wasn’t the only one who was on to the stuff. lol.

dreams – you got jokes.

BF – thing is dude has a pretty good chance of landing one like that. there are some knucklehead A women out there.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
9:36 am

BF~ That’s not just in the A. Society has changed to the point that women now have their own careers and just supporting your man and being the woman behind the man is not good enough for a lot of women anymore.

Single and Happy "don't judge others simply because they sin differently than you"

August 13th, 2012
9:39 am

CC would you have put your career on hold in your 20s

disco

August 13th, 2012
9:40 am

and by the way, I don’t mind supporting a man. I just have to believe in whatever it is he’s asking me to support. I’m not going to be supportive of something that I think is some bull just to have his back. and, to be clear, in my case, supporting is not to be mistaken for taking care of.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
9:41 am

If it was for the right man, yes, I would have.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
9:41 am

Ditto disco.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:42 am

disco you’re not lying about knuckleheaded women, It’s also the same for men.

I’ve seen folks with the magnectic decals on their cars trying to sell the Noni Juice. I’ve tried one sip a freind let me taste and let me say I wont be doing it again.

Into the Light...Just Because I Don't Play Doesn't Mean I Don't Understand the Game

August 13th, 2012
9:49 am

Good morning, all!

Looks like y’all have the topic covered this morning. I’m co-signing disco’s 9:40.

Bluzgirl

August 13th, 2012
9:50 am

Sounds like this guy is looking for a business partner rather than a life partner. I wonder if he plans on paying whatever woman he finds to help him build his business.

I tried to help my ex build his career, but I was in love and I believed in him (foolishly). I did NOT put my own life on hold, though. I continued with my two jobs, my two non-profit boards, and hanging out with friends. I did what I could. What really got to me was when he pretty much stopped helping himself advance in his music. I laugh now because he had hardly had any gigs since we’ve been apart!!! I hope he realizes now how much I did help him out…

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:52 am

Comon: that’s what I’m wondering, it’s possible he can find somebody to fit that mold. Just that women I relate to in their 40’s and 50’s don’t have time for that goofyness. I understand a lady supporting her guy the way disco puts it on her 9:40. I’m guessing the dude is young and need more experience to learn to pave his own path and it’s not up to the lady stop her action.

halo46

August 13th, 2012
9:56 am

Good Morning All, let’s be clear. Are we saying supporting him emotionally and perhaps as his assistant working behind the scenes, or are we talking about investing $$ into his ‘another fitness guru’ business. Because if a man shows up on a first, second or third date wanting me to invest my hard earned money into a business that he is just now figuring out may work, he can just say goodbye to me right then. I know, I know…I am cruel. lol

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:57 am

Hey Light and Bluz welcome aboard the Fantasy Flyer.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
9:59 am

halo46: I would expect an overwhelming amount of women to do the same. Hope I’m right.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
10:01 am

BF~ And, aain, I think it depends on what ou mean by support. When I was married to the first husband, I did delay my career somewhat by lessening the amount of hours I took in school so that he could devote more time to his business. On weekends, I went up and manned the front desk to save him on payroll. But, he was my husband not just a date. For a guy I’m dating? I would need more committment before I cold put my goals and career on hold.

Good Morning, ITL. Did you get my last email yesterday?

disco

August 13th, 2012
10:04 am

two posts jacked. nothing remotely out of line in them other than saying old boy needs to get some business.

Bluzgirl

August 13th, 2012
10:09 am

Morning BF!!! I need a drink that will give me some energy this morning!

SlimUno

August 13th, 2012
10:10 am

Morning Gang

Leggs

August 13th, 2012
10:11 am

The women he meet are leading busy lives and don’t seem open to the idea of putting their careers on hold to help him with his goals. Is it realistic to expect something like this is dating? – Not realistic in the slightest.

I think your friend, Paul, needs a reality check.

Morning everyone! Just a beautiful day the Lord has made!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
10:14 am

Comon:

I wouldn’t support a chic I’m dating asking me to stop the presses that I’ve maintained. I’d more than willing to assist but I’d think she lost all the marbles in her head to say stop what I’m doing. Married folks can do this all day long for as long as it can be sustained,

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
10:18 am

Bluz I got you an Absolute vodka mixed with Red Bull how about that you can handle it.

Leggs he needs a reality check like a door needs knobs, who is he kidding or trying to?

Bluzgirl

August 13th, 2012
10:27 am

That’ll work BF! Thanks a bunch!!! Didn’t get nearly enough rest this weekend…

Leggs

August 13th, 2012
10:30 am

There’s nothing wrong with supporting someone in their dreams at any age, as long as you don’t neglect yours, and get the same support in return.

ENUF SAID!

DreamsMaterialize

August 13th, 2012
10:32 am

Did Diva’s friend actually say he wanted a woman to put her career on hold to help him with his business, or is that what’s she’s interpreting when he says he wants a woman to help him build his business? If he’s really about his business, then he’s already started building it, and he just wants a woman who understands that and will be on the same page with him. Now, if he’s waiting for a woman to help him start that business, then he sounds like a moocher.

Leggs

August 13th, 2012
10:35 am

“…putting their careers on hold to help him with his goals.” – Sounds like more than helping him emotionally. Seems to lean more toward financial assistance, promoting his business, secretarial work, foot work in passing out flyers, networking to drum up business, and probably would like a woman with a full Rolodex! IJS….

Into the Light...Just Because I Don't Play Doesn't Mean I Don't Understand the Game

August 13th, 2012
10:42 am

Morning, BF!

@CC: Only received one email yesterday and I responded.

disco

August 13th, 2012
10:42 am

DM – that’s what I was getting at when my post got jacked twice. sounds like dude isn’t dating to find a mate so much as he is conducting interviews for an assistant.

lolalee

August 13th, 2012
10:43 am

Friend of mine was engaged to a guy who wanted her to support his business. He’d been working at it a long time, with only small success. She cashed out her 401(k) to help him out. Yep, you know where this is going… the check came, she handed it over, then all of a sudden he said it wasn’t working out and POOF, he was gone. A few years later she met another woman who had almost the same story — with the same man.

My ex wanted me to support his business. I was fine with that, but not indefinitely. After trying and trying and trying, no success. At that point, it’s time to do something new — but he insisted on continuing the same thing over and over, and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t support it. so POOF, I was gone.

If a fitness trainer asked me to put my career on hold so he could build his business, I guess that would work just fine cuz I’d run away so fast I’d be in great shape.

disco

August 13th, 2012
10:47 am

lolalee – funny. to quote Bernie mac all he’d see is elbows and ass. lol.

Into the Light...Just Because I Don't Play Doesn't Mean I Don't Understand the Game

August 13th, 2012
10:48 am

LOL@disco and lolalee. I needed that laugh this morning, ladies….thanks.

abc

August 13th, 2012
10:57 am

Totally unrealistic. Personal trainer?! Puh-leeze. Get a job.

Sub in a different occupation. I should expect a woman to support me in my goals regarding a technology career — uh, how exactly? Beyond being understanding of the time constraints my career puts upon me, what could she possibly do?

Suppose a restaurant owner/operator is looking for dates. What’s she going to do to support him in that, wait tables or help with the accounting?

Suppose it’s a web-based startup. She’s going to code, tweet, promote? It doesn’t make much sense to me.

lolalee

August 13th, 2012
11:06 am

Since this topic seems a bit tired, can I ask a general question?

If a woman is about to become engaged (they’ve talked about it, but she doesn’t know when he’ll ask), is there a tactful way to express a preference as to the type of ring she’d prefer? She trusts his taste, but wants to let him know what she really likes, rather than having to ‘love’ a ring that she might not really love so much. Guys, would it offend you if she told you what she likes? And how specific could it be?

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
11:11 am

Paul works as a personal trainer, so he really wants to meet someone who is fit, into healthy living, and wants to help him build his business.

So, it sounds to me like he wants someone who is in the lifestyle to network FOR him as well as being his “date”. He admits his expectations are somewhat unrealistic? Try very unrealistic.
If she is already into that lifestyle, she probably already has someone who is mentoring/training her.

lolalee

August 13th, 2012
11:12 am

@abc exactly.

Comon Cents

August 13th, 2012
11:14 am

lolalee~ Maybe she should suggest that they go out and look at rings together so she can get an idea of the ring that would best suit him and he can get an idea of the ring that would best suit her.

Bluzgirl

August 13th, 2012
11:18 am

Lolalee – when I got engaged years ago, we went shopping together and I picked out a few rings so he would have an idea. He chose from the ones that I showed him I liked.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 13th, 2012
11:33 am

“Guys, would it offend you if she told you what she likes? And how specific could it be?’

lolalee:

Not me it would be good to have her feedback making a choice.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2012
11:41 am

Slow blog day…….

Everyone have a good weekend?