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Judging the book

Single people can find themselves scrutinizing each other for every little thing. The problem starts when we find random things to judge each other about. Sometimes we have to find out right away, exactly what the flaws are.

We think that is a way to improve our dating odds, but it can have the opposite effect. Women notice how men have too many female friends. Instead of thinking this as a positive thing, we assume he has slept with all of them. Men notice that a woman has a great career. Instead of thinking she is ambitious and capable, they assume she has no idea how to put someone else first.

Judging a book by it’s cover – we do it all the time, I don’t know if we even know when we do it. Do you think you have a problem judging people too harshly?

Have you ever felt that someone judged you and made assumptions about you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

454 comments Add your comment

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2012
6:19 am

I guess I’m the opposite of the guy in the example. If she doesn’t have a career at this age, then we can’t even get off the ground. People naturally notice the exterior. That’s why book covers are artistically designed to draw you in. If it turns you away, then that’s a no brainer.

Single and Happy

August 9th, 2012
7:06 am

Even though a books cover may draw you to it, most still read the read the summary behind the cover. You have to the same with a person, you can’t judge people by their cover, yes we have our deal breakers. but you still have to get to know the person in before making an informed decision. And as far as a career, things happen, everyone’s situation is different! Most of us should know by now that things can change overnight, nothing is guaranteed,

Single and Happy

August 9th, 2012
7:15 am

And also, I’m judged all the time, but when someone judges you, it’s a reflection on them, not on you!

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
8:33 am

I judged a particular book (too young, too smart, knows everything, too immature), yep I was SPOT ON!!!!! I offer no apologies, no regrets!!!

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
8:40 am

Let me add cry baby, brat, throwing tantrums…crazy bastid….lol

Single and Happy (still can't believe I'm the only one that didn't know what a CT was, I really need to get out more)

August 9th, 2012
8:47 am

Hello Cel, I’m right here (LOL) old wait I’m the old head

Into the Light

August 9th, 2012
9:01 am

Morning, all!

Have you ever felt that someone judged you and made assumptions about you?

Everyday. Most of the time, they miss the truth by a mile but I’m cool with that. I know me and what I’m about and don’t need external validation.

On a happy note, I was able to avoid a dessert-case crashing case last night. We went to South City Kitchen instead of Marietta Diner. In a word – YUM. :)

oddmanout

August 9th, 2012
9:15 am

Good Morning!!

I agree with Single and Happy

Comon Cents

August 9th, 2012
9:19 am

Generally, when people jump to judgements, they have no idea what is in front of them and end up throwing themselves off the proverbial cliff. People who tend to jump to judgement are usually projecting their own experiences and insecurities onto someone else.

O/T~ Good Morning all. ITL~ Did you watch the ID Dateline special on the Sneiderman case last night?

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2012
9:26 am

Even though a books cover may draw you to it, most still read the read the summary behind the cover.
Single The cover and title generally let me know if I even want to read the summary. I also know things can happen in people’s lives, but I’m a believer that people probably shouldn’t be looking to get into relationships during tumultous times in their lives. Handle your business first. I was laid off for four months in 2008, but I didn’t pursue any relationships during that time. I tended to my situation first. Why would I intentionally invite someone into my life during a hardship? If a woman is switching careers, I can roll with that because it means she already had career prior. There’s no reason for a grown person to not either be maintaining a career, switching from one to another, or pursuing one. So, if your “cover” says you’re still jumping around from job to job, quitting, getting fired, refusing to work, then you’re not the lady for me, no summary needed.

disco

August 9th, 2012
9:30 am

good morning. yep. I judge books by the cover all the time. literally and figuratively. sometimes the cover is a good guide and sometimes what you get is far from what you expected. I will not date a guy with “funny colored” eyes. something about green/gray/hazel eyes that gives me the straight up heebie jeebies. dude could be a darned near perfect specimen but I’d miss out because I can’t imagine waking up looking at him every day. we don’t even have to get into all the regular things that we judge from the gate like living with parents, just getting paroled, being chronically unemployed. every person has a story but at the end of the day we often pass judgment without even caring about the story.

just the other day good old exiled passed judgment on all of us single chicks by declaring that we were single and therefore we had to be lonely. we kidded ex that day but there is a certain portion of the population who feels that way.

Roberta

August 9th, 2012
9:33 am

Many people are insecure, so they judge to cover up their insecurities. By doing this we, as human beings, feel better about ourselves. That said, judgment is a necessary part of living around other people. However, a tolerant person starts with the initial categorization (judgment), then uses experience with that judged individual to “modify” their initial judgment.

Big Al

August 9th, 2012
9:33 am

Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

disco

August 9th, 2012
9:34 am

DM – I actually get your career stance. there’s a whole segment of the population who are content with just having a regular job (or don’t have other options). I watch certain family members when they seek jobs. they don’t have any particular educational background or skill set they are just out looking to get in where they fit in. if they luck up on retail, food service, factory work, customer service or whatever. it only matters that they found work. now, I’m not judging folks who “just work” but my point was that I think I get where DM is coming from.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 9th, 2012
9:35 am

As someone that received training as an engineer – and a karate expert -forming a hypothesis or supposing certain things about person based on your experience is natural, indeed an evolutionary response.

It how you (should) identify danger from friend, help from harm, etc.

Where, I think (as a karate expert) people get throwed is acting upon those assumptions without collecting more data. In the area of dating, a person can’t help but show you who they are – no one can bottle that crazy for too long anyway.

I always started with a hypothesis, asked questions to clarify issues, and from that point, let the person fill in the holes until something like a conclusion was formed.

Not to say I was never blindsided; but I avoided more heartache that way.

aaaannnd good morning from sunny Tampa, FL

Leggs

August 9th, 2012
9:39 am

“Instead of thinking this as a positive thing, we assume he has slept with all of them.” – Ummmm, I don’t.

Unfortunately, we are all judged right out the gate. No getting around that. The canvas changes when the person gets to know you better.

Morning. I need a shot of something RIGHT NOW.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
9:39 am

I agree. We all “pass judgements”….sometimes we miss the mark and sometimes not. Oftentimes, the older you get, the better you’re able to guage. Time, experience and living provides an oversight that won’t take reading a summary. It’s amazing what having “oversight” can provide. In listening, you can “hear” many things that gives you what you need to move it along. No, you may not be spot on but it’s enough to get your “stuff” and move it along.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
9:41 am

Judge that ye be not judge is not talking about judging a book by it’s cover.

Into the Light

August 9th, 2012
9:43 am

Good morning, CC. No, I didn’t see it, I was late getting home. I’m happy to see, though, that she will have to stand trial. On Good Day one morning this week they quoted Neuman’s (sp?) lawyers as saying that he would be happy to testify against her. I was thinking, “well duh!” :)

Morning, disco. I was laughing about your “eggplant” yesterday afternoon. :)

@dan: Jealous. You’re in Tampa and I’m land-locked. Hmph! :evil:

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
9:45 am

I knew somebody was gonna take that and run. That’s talking about judging yourself (i.e. disciplining, walking according to the Word of God) so that you’ll escape judgement in the end.

Comon Cents

August 9th, 2012
9:46 am

In the area of dating, a person can’t help but show you who they are – no one can bottle that crazy for too long anyway.

My mother always told me to watch the way he treats the women already in his life (i.e. mother, sisters, etc) and watch how he treats the waiter/waitress when he takes you out because that is how he will be treating you in six months.

Into the Light

August 9th, 2012
9:46 am

LOL@Leggs: Me, too! I had two glasses of wine at dinner, which I rarely do. I think I need a little pick-me-up. Whaddaya think? Bailey’s and coffee?

Single and Happy (still can't believe I'm the only one that didn't know what a CT was, I really need to get out more)

August 9th, 2012
9:46 am

Dreams you may have missed out on some great books, because a few words on a cover never sums up the whole story. What’s the difference in jumping from job to job, and career to career?

WrightIdea

August 9th, 2012
9:46 am

Hi,
I agree “forming a hypothesis or supposing certain things about person based on your experience is natural, indeed an evolutionary response.” Although I’m not sure if we judge too harshly, I think many may judge too superficially. For example, I have a male friend who didn’t ask a girl on a second date, because she ordered soup for a first date. I had a girlfriend tell me she wouldn’t date a great guy, because of the way he dresses. It is so hard to find someone here that when you put these superficial roadblocks up it makes a difficult goal impossible to achieve. Everyone should have some set standards (i.e. employed, somewhat physically attractive, etc), but being worried about soup or clothing is petty. It really stands in the way of finding true love.

Big Al

August 9th, 2012
9:47 am

“Judge that ye be not judge is not talking about judging a book by it’s cover.”

If only it were true.

Leggs

August 9th, 2012
9:53 am

I’ll take the Bailey’s on the rocks…no stinking coffee for me!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 9th, 2012
9:55 am

@WrightIdea

Those people don’t want to find ‘happiness’ they want to create (some form of) happiness on their own terms. So no matter what comes up, they’ll find some reason to get in their own way; because – as stated – they’re still looking for the fantasy in their mind vs the reality of the situation.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
9:58 am

What does it matter in any of this? Live your life, pick your mate, go with what works. If you let someone go prematurely and missed a good one, say 100 years ago, get over it and move on. If someone didn’t see you for the GREAT person you are, get over it and move on. If someone sees you in a different light than what you know you are…don’t sweat it. I get it all the time….I lose no sleep over it.

Robert

August 9th, 2012
10:01 am

“Judging a book by it’s cover – we do it all the time”

What is today’s definition of a “book”? In the past this term was used as a measurement for success. Does he/she walk the walk and talk the talk? Today we have a different set of rule books. For example we have the internet which gave birth to social media sites such as facebook, myspace, match.com, blackpeoplemeet.com, interracialpeoplemeet.com, blackchristiansmeet.com, etc., which are the new “books” and the preferred methods of dating and communicating. What standards would you apply to measure and judge these internet social media sites – the new “books” ?

disco

August 9th, 2012
10:01 am

the blog jacked me for my post. ghetto A blogmonster. what is the world coming to when you are sitting at your computer, minding your own business only to get blog-jacked? anyway, my comment was something along the lines of folks not liking to be called judgmental though the very act of living life and making decisions requires folks to make judgment calls. we all judge and it is what it is.

disco

August 9th, 2012
10:02 am

robert – ???

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:03 am

Where’s Bluzy? I’m looking for a topic change…lololol

Leggs

August 9th, 2012
10:05 am

disco ~ that’s why you should copy every post entry before hitting submit.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:07 am

What standards would you apply to measure and judge these internet social media sites – the new “books” ?

I’m not sure today’s topic would apply as your decision to “pick one” is based off of their profile. Now if what they told you was way off base, then I guess that’s on them and should be calling “misleading.” Not having met any of these folks nor interacted, it seems the only assessment you can summon would be from what they told you about themselves.

I don’t know if I’d call that judging though.

Comon Cents

August 9th, 2012
10:07 am

If only it were true.

Al~ Actually, it is true. Celisea is correct. That scripture is talking about how you will be judged on that final stand. Jesus actually clarifies that in the next passage. He is saying that we should all amend our own behavior and live properly before exercising judgment and help others to do the same.

disco

August 9th, 2012
10:07 am

C – you wrong. you just wrong. can ITL not change the topic? kimmie? where’s kimmie? she can pick a topic. or better yet. let’s give a man the floor. gentlemen? anyone? anyone?

leggs – I did. something in it was “bad” and I wasn’t going to try to figure out what.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:10 am

disco – I’ll take anyone. I’m just trying to ward off a bunch of whining and why he or she didn’t see me for the real person I am. I show no respect of persons or judgement…lol Heck if I had something, I would toss it out there.

Comon Cents

August 9th, 2012
10:13 am

Not having met any of these folks nor interacted, it seems the only assessment you can summon would be from what they told you about themselves.

C’mon now. We have all read those ads or watched someting on tv and you know it’s BS by the double talk their using.

“I’m an artist (author/entrepreneur/etc)” but you have never heard of their work = unemployed

“I’m looking for a woman who is free spirited and open to adventure so we can see what develops” = I just want to bang you but I’m not interested in a long term thing

“experienced” = has gotten around a lot

I am sure you guys can think of more.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:13 am

I’ll just hush though. I think Diva would probably like to see at least a couple pages of back and forth dialog on the topic

Sorry Diva :(

disco

August 9th, 2012
10:16 am

well I’ll do a little bit of whining then about being judged. I’ve been judged for having a kid (in general by guys who didn’t want to date the chick with a kid and for having been a teen parent), having too much education, not having enough education. I was judged by other parents for being the “young parent” (and I’m sure my son was judged by default). one guy said my ankles were too big, that one was funny to me but it did make me start noticing other people’s ankles. my ankles are kind of thick. lol. when my hair was cut short, I was judged by folks who were into long hair. when my hair was grown out, I was judged by folks who were into short hair. now that my hair is natural I’m judged. I was judged back when I was driving a little ford escort (guess it wasn’t sexy but it got me where I was going). in certain company I am judged for “talking white”, in other company I’m judged for “talking black”. as I’ve already said, it is what it is.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:17 am

disco – In all that you said, it’s just life :)

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:19 am

In life, some have children early, some late. Some have within marriage, some out of wedlock. Some some luxury cars, some not. Some are degreed, some not. Some are beautiful, some not.

disco

August 9th, 2012
10:21 am

and with it all somebody somewhere is passing judgment. lol.

Leggs

August 9th, 2012
10:22 am

– you wrong. you just wrong. can ITL not change the topic? kimmie? where’s kimmie? she can pick a topic. or better yet. let’s give a man the floor. gentlemen? anyone? anyone?

Too funny!

Single and Happy (still can't believe I'm the only one that didn't know what a CT was, I really need to get out more)

August 9th, 2012
10:23 am

It would be so nice is we lived in a world that accepted people for who they are, and not what we want them to be

Into the Light

August 9th, 2012
10:24 am

Whine break: WHY do folks wanna come in my office and get their whine on? Really??? If I wanted to be your shrink, I’d have a couch in here and a print of Dr. Freud.

Whew….that feels better.

LOL@disco’s 10:07. I was hoping to see Kimmie this morning, too. She’s my fellow blog foodie, and the dinner we had last night has got to get a shout out. Dayum it was good.

DreamsMaterialize

August 9th, 2012
10:24 am

Dreams you may have missed out on some great books, because a few words on a cover never sums up the whole story. What’s the difference in jumping from job to job, and career to career?
Single Everyone has missed out on some great books. You can’t read them all. Your question about a job vs. career is actually misleading because one is possible and the other really isn’t. You can’t “jump” from career to career because a career, by definition, requires time and experience to develop. So, even if a person changes careers, they had the patience, fortitude, and determination to develop the first career. Quitting a job you’ve had for a few months doesn’t show any of that because having a job doesn’t require it.

Into the Light

August 9th, 2012
10:25 am

– you wrong. you just wrong. can ITL not change the topic? kimmie? where’s kimmie? she can pick a topic. or better yet. let’s give a man the floor. gentlemen? anyone? anyone?

Bueller? Bueller?

Robert

August 9th, 2012
10:26 am

“Women notice how men have too many female friends”

This is the most common problem I have. I have a lot of female “friends” on facebook and women notice it and judge. I have friends across the USA I stay in touch with using social media and I feel it is unfair to think just because we are friends on facebook does not mean we are sleeping together.

Celisea

August 9th, 2012
10:27 am

disco – You ain’t right….lol