Trust your ex around your next?
I am stumped on this latest dating misadventure. I am lucky enough not to have experienced this one:
One of our readers is slightly freaking out since her ex ?? (um ex-fling/hook up/random guy to past the time with just befriended her new man. At this point, she is unsure if it was deliberate or if they simply met each other through friends innocently. To make matters worse, he has a little dirt on her. Just enough to make the new man’s opinion of her change. (She won’t say what it is, specifically but my imagination is working overtime).
I can say that if an ex of mine met my new beau, I’d probably freak out a little bit too. I just don’t know what my exes could say or do to wreck things. Why would the want to?
What would you do if your ex and your new mate became buddies or BFFs. Would you worry about what would be revealed about you?
Is this good reason to have full disclosures in a new relationship. That way, you won’t worry about something coming out before you want it to?
Have you ever met an ex partner of your significant other?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta
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409 comments Add your comment
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
9:55 am
disco – I can dig that. I’m not one for getting cozy with folks I know don’t like me… I just think the term is a good description of said faker. I will not though, hang out, break bread and all that other stuff on the basis of frenemy. I just know being a frenemy what you are and to keep my distance.
I could have quoted that, maybe not verbatim. Nope, can’t do faking.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
9:56 am
disco – The ex bumping his gums is wors than a frenemy, he’s a birl. What man does that???
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
9:59 am
Back on topic, I really can’t say or recall ever having been in that type situation. For a man or woman to befriend or badmouth or give details is just so silly and elementary.
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 25th, 2012
9:59 am
LOL…….@birl
Mr. Unknown
July 25th, 2012
10:02 am
I believe in being honest. Don’t live in fear of your past, its what defines you as a person. Most love showing off the shiny part of their past, present and future but conveniently skip over the bad, dark chapters of their lives. The worst thing in the world is to have someone(or a supposedly new friend) expose secrets about your current. It sucks!! Now the new guy is sitting there trying to figure out should he blast the fool that told him or blast the girlfriend that didn’t.
I say at this point she needs to do some preventive maintenance.
Morning all
disco
July 25th, 2012
10:03 am
BF – birl is real. lots of men have birly qualities. some are just better at masking it than others.
mr. unknown – I love how dude’s options are simply to “blast” somebody.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:09 am
Mr. Unknown – What preventative measures would you suggest? I mean at this point he can talk. Nothing she can do about that. I’m not going to try and beat someone to the punch (as suggested by MMeello). I’ve had someone to do that to me. When you’re trying to beat someone to the point, you’re creating something potentially dangerous that you’re not even sure about yourself. I’ve had someone to put something out (nothing really), because I believe the thought I would or had already talked. Look, this is a lesson I’ve learned…good, bad or indifferent, deal with folks that you can trust. Even if things are a bust, it’s a matter between two individuals. Dealing with folks that are spiteful and hurtful and lives by the motto I’ll get you before you get me is just plain crazy. I do not understand that. If it was the two of you, what happened there should stay there. That’s the way adults behave. I’m never going to be hold hostage to my past or things I’ve done. My mantra is I answer to God. Not saying you should live and have indiscretions all willy nilly but worry about people can be crippling.
If this woman (in the post) is on pins and needles, she should re-evaluate her behavior and the company she keeps. If he’s a stand-up man, he’ll see the dude shaking salt for what he really is.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:10 am
held and worrying
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:11 am
And no matter what women (some of us) say, today is proof positive that you CANNOT just do stuff and don’t eventually feel some kind of way about it.
disco
July 25th, 2012
10:18 am
in general I don’t get caught up much in what people say. way back when I was in junior high I got caught up in some “he say-she say” mess. my mother broke it down to me then that I was no better than jesus and people talked about him. the message stuck with me. that’s not to say that I haven’t had an incident or two or three or four in my life where I had to tell a person to keep my name out of their mouth but in general, I don’t too much sweat what folks say about me. an ex of mine can talk about me until his spit dries up.
Mr. Unknown
July 25th, 2012
10:25 am
From what I’m reading of the topic, the ex/jumpoff/in between guy has the power. I can guarantee her stomach is doing flip flops everytime she hears his name in a sentence. Thats too much power to give someone that is not even in your life anymore. Why stress about a subject that has the potential to be public knowledge anyway. She should address it, put the subject to bed and move forward.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:27 am
Mr Unknown – I agree with everything you said…except for her to address. There’s nothing to address IMO, as it was before the new guy and had nothing to do with him. It was a decision (albeit bad…IMO), to just sleep around with someone. But, it’s done. I agree, I bet her stomach is doing flip flops right about now. A good thing potentially gone before getting started. And that’s what I’m saying. What if she brings it up and the ex wasn’t/didn’t? Did she cause unnecessary harm?
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:28 am
IMO, she should be prepared to talk about it if he asks. Even to that, she should be ready to tell him it was before him and be prepared to let it go. But I wouldn’t be stuttering and explaining stuff.
disco
July 25th, 2012
10:30 am
seems like most of the blog folks are for honesty. there is another alternative. the chick can LIE. lie like a rug. flip the script. call dude a liar. he’s always been a liar, that’s why we broke up in the first place. he was always lying about something.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
10:32 am
If you aren’t guilty, you don’t ever have to justify, Not guilty of the act but “guilty” She’s only guilty if it was while she was with the new guy.
Single and Happy 3 shades darker :-)
July 25th, 2012
10:37 am
What’s up with this need to know everything about everybody these days? If my past can’t harm you in anyway why do I need to tell you?
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 25th, 2012
10:38 am
That is a good one disco and valid. You’re right I wouldn’t get caught up in what somebody says. And It is more meaningless to me if it’s about someone else.
Robert
July 25th, 2012
10:41 am
“Have you ever met an ex partner of your significant other? ”
Ladies if this ever happens to you “do the right thing” and leave both of them alone. Your real Man wants to be friends with your ex-man? Is he insecure and trying to find “dirt” on you? Are they both on the “downlow”? I do not want to know the how, what, where and when you had good times with the ex-man.
Leggs
July 25th, 2012
10:41 am
“What would you do if your ex and your new mate became buddies or BFFs. Would you worry about what would be revealed about you?” – I wouldn’t worry about a thing. I’m good people. My ex knows this and I wouldn’t feel threatened about any dirt he would have on me because the only dirt would be his words and how he feels about me. That’s his opinion, and since he’s my “new beau” I already know he’s strong and operates on what HE thinks and feels and is not easily swayed by others. One reason I picked him as my “new beau!”
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 25th, 2012
10:46 am
Leggs gon head and throw your weight around.
disco
July 25th, 2012
10:49 am
single and happy – why do you think the so called reality shows and the entertainment news (translation gossip) are so popular? folks love to be up in other folks’ business. for various reasons of course. the sheer entertainment of it, to feel like your life is better than theirs, just to keep up and be “knowledgeable” on the goings on. take your pick.
robert – I like your downlow theory. lol. of course, it could just be that they clicked. also, I think many of us have “big city” mindsets. some folks, though, are “small town” as in they still live in a small town and the pickings are slimmer. they are used to “recycling” more than the rest of us.
while I’m not overly concerned about what an ex would say about me I have commented in the past that I wouldn’t hang out in a place where all of my exes congregated. in particular, I’ve joked about people being able to walk into a bar/club/house party/wherever and know that they had slept with half a dozen people in the room.
exiled
July 25th, 2012
10:50 am
speaking of frenemy, i really had to cut All communication with somebody i thought was a friend Disco…no explanation given, i just saw the signs after hearing some “informational gossip” from an acquaintance of wifey and then speaking to said friend and he pouts about same thing about me that i heard from said friend of wifey..put one on one together and i said hell no..i iant going to bother hanging nor talking to folks who think like that….im done…
Either u with me or the Terrorists!
I dont front either. If i dont like u, i dont like u.
Dot!
Mr. Unknown
July 25th, 2012
10:52 am
C- I understand what your saying but that would be selfish thinking on her part.
I hate being the last person in the room to know something. Trust me when I say the um ex-/fling/hook up/random guy has told somebody in his crew all about her secret and now the current guy maybe in an environment that consist of those same people that know all about her. All I’m saying is she should not have the new guy out among people in sheeps clothing with no ammo and she should not be stressing about it. There are to many unknowns or what ifs and the only person that will be directly affected is the new guy. But I get what your saying also.
Leggs
July 25th, 2012
10:55 am
Had to laugh at “dot” instead of “period.” Different…
Single and Happy 3 shades darker :-)
July 25th, 2012
10:56 am
Disco, it’s not just those shows, anytime in the media if someone puts a mic in front of someones face they have to answer any question asked, or they must be hiding something. The problem being some people take that into a their daily lives also.
disco
July 25th, 2012
11:00 am
there are many gossip mongers among us. I won’t front. I’ll listen to some good, juicy gossip. every now and again I’ve got a little something good to dish. I don’t think I’m excessive with it though. I don’t wake up and plot my gossip strategy for the day. most folks and their issues I don’t give a dang about one way or the other.
speaking of exes – one of mine just called to confirm I was coming to his family reunion next weekend in Charleston. I was just in Charleston two weeks ago. now I wish I’d gone to savannah. oh well, it is what it is.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:05 am
Mr. Unknown – I gotcha. Still I think that if they’re going to give it a go, she’s gotta go with the flow and not sweat the other stuff. She can’t police him and where he’s going and with whom he’s keeping company. I understand though, where you’re coming from. I don’t really get though what you meant by it being selfish.
Trust me when I say the um ex-/fling/hook up/random guy has told somebody in his crew all about her secret and now the current guy maybe in an environment that consist of those same people that know all about her
And to your point here, you have to be thick skinned if you’re going to roll loosely everywhere with everybody. If you’re big enough to roll like that (and I’m not knocking), if you have to take the punches that comes with it. Or at least not care.
Single and Happy 3 shades darker :-)
July 25th, 2012
11:06 am
This reminds me of one day a co-worker asked me “could I keep a secret”, my response was evidently you can’t and walked away (LOL) People have gotten to where they won’t even tell me any gossip, because first they get the: and you’re tell me this why look, and if they continue, it’s the: their grown, they can do anything they want to, it’s not my business.
Ray Charles to the BS
July 25th, 2012
11:06 am
Good convo! But really who cares what a hateful ex has to say? What the sex was good? lol Grown people behaving badly.
disco
July 25th, 2012
11:07 am
OR – and celisea this is another one of my ghettoisms – you can make a brother pay dearly for what you do to him/for him. I have a cousin who would say “you can tell all your boys you screwed me but you better tell them how much it cost you”.
exiled
July 25th, 2012
11:07 am
Disco..he is confirming that u are invited?
dont write like a mandingo woman okay….clean up that…
Single and Happy 3 shades darker :-)
July 25th, 2012
11:08 am
Oh forgive me, good morning Lady’s
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:09 am
MMeello – I’m like that too. If I don’t like someone, I can easily pass you right on by. I’m like that at work. Y’all having cake for department backstabber, don’t look for me. I can walk past folks that I know are shady and never up to any good. I have no problem saying “good morning” and that’s all. I’ve said it before on here, I don’t play those kind of games. When we did our conference last year and all of us were there, my manager tells me afterwards, that she watched me and I don’t go or get into the fluffy. That I’m straightforward and no game playing. Ummm, did you expect anything different?
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:11 am
Single and Happy – Oh forgive me, good morning Lady’s
You copying Blackfoote? He’s the only one that says lady’s not ladies…???????
Into the Light
July 25th, 2012
11:11 am
@C: I can relate. My veep likes to point out that I don’t have the best poker face in the world. LOL
Leggs
July 25th, 2012
11:15 am
Cold Cut Artist (CCA) = Sheila E. (Chastain picnic basket for 8/18 includes tix, $25 gift card to something and something else..lol). Sorry, had to act like I wasn’t listening and paying attention to what my boss was telling me.
Leggs
July 25th, 2012
11:15 am
404-741-1075
disco
July 25th, 2012
11:15 am
ITL – I have no poker face. if I’m thinking it, it’s written all over my face. I figure I’m doing good but not blurting out what I want to say. asking me to control my face AND control my mouth is asking too much.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:16 am
ITL – Girl, they love to tell me that here. I’m like whatever. I’m friendly and cordial and professional. I’m not catty or gossipy nor am I getting in the gutter. I’m not a backstabber either. If being stand-up makes me antisocial and poker faced…so be it…lol
Single and Happy – You got some splaining to do…lol
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:19 am
I know somebody ain’t tryna set up Blackfoote He make too many errors (no slight to you blog bro).
Into the Light
July 25th, 2012
11:19 am
LOL@disco and C. Okaaay? You can assume you know what I’m thinking, but if I don’t voice it, you have no proof.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:19 am
as I do too
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:20 am
Okay…was I the only one that caught that???????????
exiled
July 25th, 2012
11:23 am
we have an aunt in the family thats notorious for backstabbing….she will back stab anybody and everyone…but when everyone is there talking and having fun..its all nice and danndy…..
Let one of uall leave the room…shes on his/her behind..this that and the other…
The only folks that are spared are her kids….they are the best in the entire world..in her eyes!
disco
July 25th, 2012
11:23 am
facial expressions is one of the reasons I like eddie griffin. that cat makes some faces that crack me up. not because they are funny but because I can usually guess exactly what he’s thinking and not saying.
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:23 am
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO people, was I the only one that caught that?????
Mmeello, stop talking for a minute…lol
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:24 am
Okay, it happened. Folks are acting like they didn’t see it.
Single and Happy – I ain’t talking with you no more….lol
Celisea
July 25th, 2012
11:26 am
Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
July 25th, 2012
9:13 am
Morning Lady’s:
The breakfast buffet and bar is open, ya’ll help yourself.
Single and Happy 3 shades darker
July 25th, 2012
11:08 am
Oh forgive me, good morning Lady’s
That’s all Imma say on this…moving on
Leggs
July 25th, 2012
11:27 am
I’m on it…
Mr. Unknown
July 25th, 2012
11:28 am
Selfish, meaning she is only concern about how it would affect her.
“To make matters worse, he has a little dirt on her. Just enough to make the new man’s opinion of her change.” lol.. It ain’t no little dirt thats got her worried like this.