accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Parents influence relationships?

Recently, I was talking to my friend about his Father’s pending nuptials to wife number four. Obviously, my friend has doubts about how long this marriage will last, but he also commented on his own marriage potential.

He thinks that because of his Father, he probably would not make a good husband. This surprised me because my friend has always said that he wanted to be married with kids. Why would his father’s multiple marriage have an impact on him?

Do you think our parents influence our perception on love, marriage, and relationships? Do we learn from them – either from their mistakes, or what they got right?

How do you think your parents shaped your views on love?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

179 comments Add your comment

Lily

July 17th, 2012
6:57 am

Most certainly I believe our parents influence our outlook. Having witnessed real love only set the bar high for me. Of course bring privy to their relationship, only to end up in a time where seemingly men and women no longer desire or hold traditional values, makes having relationships much more difficult. There is an expectation that I cannot discard nor discount.

Jeff

July 17th, 2012
7:31 am

Children tend think the behaviors they see every day are normal because they are routine. That’s why many kids who are in physically abusive homes grow up to abuse others. Kids who live in homes with drama tend to extend that drama into their homes when they are adults.

Pretty simple, actually.

Exiled!

July 17th, 2012
8:05 am

Ohh yea!

One parent mama

One parent daughter

One parent son

Mama rolling stone
Daughter rolling stone

Son rolling stone

It don’t fall too too far from the tree trunk. Family tree trunk in this instance.

(WD,Bill Oreilly was talking bout this very issue last nite as it pertains the black family in america)

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 17th, 2012
8:10 am

Not only that Jeff, but child often romanticie their parents relationshiips.

Mainly because they’re children, but more to the point, they are unaware of what it takes to build and maintain an adult relationship. ^^biggest barrier in relationships today (for both men and women, before the ladies go off).

Regardless, I think it’s incumbent on adults to ‘put away childish things’ at some point, in order for a relationship to work.

Good morning

lolalee

July 17th, 2012
8:16 am

Which is it? Take pattern after an abusive relationship, becoming abusive or take pattern after a healthy relationship, romanticizing?

Are any of you professionals in assessing and diagnosing?

Nelson

July 17th, 2012
8:18 am

That is a great question, I really like it.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 17th, 2012
8:33 am

@Lola

It’s both and/or neither.

My generalization of ‘often’ aside, Jeff and I are, at once, right and wrong. (BTW, diagnosing would involve a specific patient/person). It’s an individual’s response and internalization of the stimuli that determines the outcome.

Someone could grow up in a ‘healthy’ family dynamic, feel some kind of way about it (cynical, unloved, unwanted, etc.) and completely misinterpret what they’ve witnessed.

Likewise, someone could grow up in an abusive household, recognizing that the abuse is wrong; internalize it, and grow to have healthy relationships.

The reactions to their parents relationship and the influence it has on a person is a individualized as each of us are.

disco

July 17th, 2012
9:06 am

good morning.

my first thought upon reading diva’s homeboy’s thoughts was that he’s a grown man and he can make the decision whether or not to be like his father. he can pick and choose among the qualities and character traits that he wants to embrace and the one’s he wants to ignore. to say he wouldn’t be a good husband because his father is a multi-husband, to me, is a cop out. not saying that our upbringing isn’t our foundation but I am saying that adults can make choices.

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
9:37 am

No doubt parents shape their children’s perspective on marriage. A bad marriage/divorce may steer a child completely away from marriage. A loving, giving marriage may help. What I don’t believe is that his father singlehandedly dictated he’s not marriage material. Along with his views toward his father and his 4 marriages, he himself helped to carve out his existence and his potential to become someone’s husband. I’m a firm believer that one’s environment doesn’t necessarily mold who they are or determine what they have to offer.

Good morning.

disco

July 17th, 2012
9:40 am

looks like we’ve got ourselves a slow morning. anyway, off topic – some of you may remember my clowning recently re the guy who had a lot of injuries/ailments. the sleep apnea (etc) guy. anyway, on tom joyner they were discussing Michael Clarke Duncan and his sleep apnea/heart attack situation. tom mentioned that folks with sleep apnea generally sleep alone because of the mask/machine/snoring issues. I couldn’t help but laugh. I know it was meant in all seriousness but I remember thinking I didn’t want to be laid up next to Hannibal lecter.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 17th, 2012
9:47 am

@Ms. Leggs

Without more info, I don’t know if he’s saying ‘because of his father ['s example]‘ or because of his father (as in who the father is as a person/man).

My thoughts started with the former thought process and went from there.

Exiled!

July 17th, 2012
9:52 am

It’s amazing how a topic like this one involving parents makes folks scamper to safety like cockroaches.

Touchy

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
9:54 am

Dan ~ I agree. W/o more information, one can only speculate as I have done.

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
9:59 am

Another O/T ~ remember the big guy I met at the picnic. Not sure if I mentioned we all were involved in a fierce, I mean fierce water gun fight. He called last night and said the 2nd thing that attracted him to me was the fact that I didn’t sit on the sideline like the other women afraid to mess up their makeup or get their hair wet. He thought that very cool of me and felt I was down to Earth.. Oh well, he doesn’t know my prissy side (lol). Anyway, that was a nice compliment. Water won’t melt me and I got sloshed!! Sure, I didn’t look as dazzling leaving as I did coming, but fun is fun and I had a ball. Don’t care for him (too big), but I had fun.

Back to regularly scheduled topic….

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

July 17th, 2012
10:01 am

folks with sleep apnea generally sleep alone because of the mask/machine/snoring issues.

I know from experience…I have an aunt that snores to the point where she had to get that same machine(it’s called a c-pap mask/machine) and it does make some noise but not too loud. I understand why some that snore may sleep alone b/c I dated a guy for about five months who snored like nobody’s business and I REALLY didn’t like it. Sleep apnea has to be scary b/c at times during the night they stop breathing for short periods of time and don’t even know it.

On topic: A parent(one or both) can influence a child’s perspective/outlook on marriage in both negative and positive ways but ultimately it’s up to the individual involved as to what decision he/she will make. Personally, I don’t know if I’ll ever get married but I’m okay with that…it’s not something I feel I have to have in order to feel complete or happy. I’m not knocking the institution mind you…but it is what it is.

disco

July 17th, 2012
10:08 am

leggs – please. right now, the regularly scheduled topic ain’t hitting on nothing. you have nothing else to report? I figure if folks throw out enough randoms will find a new topic.

sassy – I respect the seriousness of sleep apnea. I was just commenting (another post, another day) on the fact that the sleep apnea machine can’t be sexy. I didn’t ask dude but I wonder if it scares off potential partners. I won’t say it scared me so much as I couldn’t see myself wanting to be bothered with it.

abc

July 17th, 2012
10:09 am

My parents had a pretty messy divorce, and their 2nd marriages weren’t all that great for us kids, either. Thus, I became dedicated to starting my own family apart from all that, and being better at it than they were. Unfortunately, the chicks I married weren’t similarly minded; I admit that I choose poorly, plus married too young, and the cycle repeated.

Many times, your outcomes don’t rely solely on your own mindset, behavior and actions. Sh1t happens.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
10:11 am

Morning All!

I’ve run across 2 men kinda like Wise’s example. One guy’s father messed around alot and fathered an outside child. His mom, really the whole family, was having a hard time dealing with it. The guy said that not only his father, but his grandfather was a big cheater. He was afraid he would be one too. We dated here & there, but I never took him seriously because he did love the ladies. At least toward the end there I understood he had that example. Anyway, he got another lady he had been seeing preggers so he married her. I ran into years later and asked how was married life. He said it was “different”. Better her than me!!

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

July 17th, 2012
10:12 am

disco the c-pap aren’t that sexy for sure but they’re not that cumbersome either…I’m sure if dude tactfully explained his situation to an understanding person they’d respect it and wouldn’t have a problem with it…or at least one would hope.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

July 17th, 2012
10:13 am

Many times, your outcomes don’t rely solely on your own mindset, behavior and actions. Sh1t happens

worth repeating…

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
10:16 am

abc ~ I’ve gone to great lenghts to not have a messy divorce simply for the sake of lil leggs and my own peace of mind. So far, so good (see even told me so).

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
10:17 am

Dan – I agree with you about how some romanticize their parents relationship. I could be that way at times. I had to remember the practical examples I got too – that it was not always a bed of roses, but they hung in there together and were committed to the marriage. My mom never let me get caught up with BS like weddings & such. She’d rather all us kids waited until we found the right person and the person we really LIKED. She didn’t want to see any of us caught up in any messes.

I’d say I had a great example. Not perfect, but realistic.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

July 17th, 2012
10:24 am

@Kimmie

That’s all I was referencing. The “my (grand)parents had a great marriage” syndrome that infects the marriages/psyche’s of the kids (sometimes). No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, and sometimes romanticizing the relationships puts too much pressure on the person – and their partner. It could also lead to some self loathing if the person (the romantic) feels like they haven’t lived up to an (un)realistic expectation.

Other ways romaticizing hurts relationships:

“The SBW” syndrome being romanticized;
“the my father wasn’t there/good” romaticization;
and any Hollywood movie where the guy/girl takes soooo much isht and they end up together.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

July 17th, 2012
10:29 am

disco

July 17th, 2012
10:29 am

dan – guess it’s a good think I’m not the romantic type. lol.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
10:37 am

Oh, and Exiled just so we’re clear even though I know you won’t agree: O’Riley can’t tell me jack ish about the black family!!!!

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
10:55 am

Morning, all!

On topic: Of COURSE our environment shapes and influences us. How and to what degree is our choice.

Off topic: I’m resisting the urge to smack someone. But if anyone deserves a wood shampoo, it’s this person.

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:02 am

ITL – far be it from me to instigate but smack on. lol. I suppose you can’t actually do it or get away with it or else you would have but if you want someone to help you imagine the satisfaction you’d get from it, I’m your girl. especially if your hand hits just right and makes full contact. that solid thumping sound it would make. that stinging in your palm. if it’s a light skinned person you even get to watch as your fingerprints show up on their cheek. mm mmm mmm. I think I really got caught up in the visual.

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:04 am

LOL@disco. That visual was almost as good as the real thing. Almost. :)

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:22 am

Aaaaaannnnndddd……cue the crickets…..

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:22 am

looks like some of the blog folks need to be smacked. where the heck did everyone go?

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:26 am

@disco – maybe we should initiate a controversial topic. That usually brings them out of the woodwork.

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:29 am

ITL – have at it. I have nothing controversial going on right now. I don’t even have my usual run of the mill tirades. today, I’ve got nothing. I do have one tirade. I went to Charleston last weekend. this weekend groupon and living social are chock full of getaways to Charleston. that’s it. that’s my tirade.

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
11:36 am

Ok, here’s a topic…

What to do when the heavy set guy isn’t to your liking but another guy at the picnic asks about you. You’re interested. They’re co-workers. I feel no one has dated so one should be free to talk with the other. For some reason I don’t think it will ride out like that. These co-workers seem to be fiercely loyal to one another. I’m laughing because I can see one wannabe cockblocking the other.

Hey fellas. How many of you have done this? Be honest.

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:37 am

How was Charleston? Did you get some she-crab soup?

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:40 am

leggs – you’re interested (by the way are “you” the “you’re” in the story?) so have at it. life is short. so what they work together. they are grown men that ought to know that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I’m wondering if the fact that co-workers are “fiercely loyal” is another off topic altogether.

ITL – Charleston was Charleston. I go all the time but I love the place. I ate at hyman’s Friday night (mediocre) and kickin chicken Saturday afternoon. I only stayed the one night. got in a wee bit of shopping and brought it on home. I only “forced” the trip to stay on my new year’s resolution schedule of at least one outing every other month. so far I’ve kept it up.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
11:46 am

Leggs, go for it, what the eff!!!

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
11:47 am

disco ~ yes, I’m the “you” in “you’re.” Heck both of them walked up to me to say goodbye, but the big guy got to me first and as he shook my hand slipped me his number. Just found out last night that the other guy has been asking about me. So I let my gf know that I was interested and we shall see where that lands.

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:49 am

@disco: Hyman’s was only mediocre? That’s disappointing; it’s one of my favorite places to eat. Their she-crab soup is (WAS?) incredible.

I need an outing. Soon. Not sure where, but I keep checking the Groupon weekend deals.

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:50 am

leggs – big boy did a number slip? that’s funny. sounds like he knew the other was interested and like he knew if you had to choose you’d choose the other. that’s why he got to you first and slipped the number. and what’s up with the number slip? why can’t a fellow express himself and his intentions and then ask for your number or at least ask if you’ll take his? to be handing out unsolicited phone numbers is a whack move.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
11:50 am

Do any of you ladies watch Extreme Makeover Weight Loss? The chick that was on there this past Sunday needed to be ashamed of herself! She only lost 157 pounds from 435 over a year. She won’t eat right! She still has a long way to go.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
11:52 am

Disco – :lol: – I guess he’s a little “shy”!

disco

July 17th, 2012
11:52 am

ITL – hyman’s was mediocre because I didn’t order seafood. I knew better but it’s not what I wanted. I ordered ribs and they were the worst ribs I’ve ever come across in my life.

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
11:53 am

I’ve watched it, but I didn’t see the episode you’re talking about. It’s a shame that she would waste the opportunity of a lifetime to like that.

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
12:00 pm

disco ~ the number slip surprised me as well. This dude didn’t say much to me during the picnic but he sure sloshed me a lot. I now know why. You could see through my blouse once wet, but not too much. I had on a strapless bra so I was good in that area (lol). He said he wanted to respect the fact that my child was with me and he didn’t know if I was married or seeing someone.

“…to be handing out unsolicited phone numbers is a whack move.” – he said he didn’t want his coworkers to know his business.

kimmie

July 17th, 2012
12:03 pm

Light – Chris Powell, the trainer, said something eyeopening about her. He said she won’t accept that thru the weight loss journey she will have to deal with some form of discomfort. Whether its getting used to eating differently, so stuff might not be as sweet or as rich as she’s used to or getting tired out exercising.

I’ve found that to be the issue with alot of people. They don’t want to accept the discomfort that comes with making a change. Like I’ve tried to help friends/family along the way find healthy alternative to certain foods. No, that low-fat peach sorbet is not as tasty as that peach cobbler with the crust soaked in butter! But you have to retrain your tastebuds for better health’s sake! It’s okay to indulge once in awhile, but not make poor eating a lifestyle! The chick on the show just was not getting that!

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
12:04 pm

“…to be handing out unsolicited phone numbers is a whack move.” – he said he didn’t want his coworkers to know his business.

And/or maybe he’s a little self-concious/shy and it felt less intimidating to him to do it that way.

disco

July 17th, 2012
12:05 pm

leggs – nice try but still a whack move. he could have easily expressed himself without folks being all up in his business. what? was he talking through a bullhorn the entire day? I repeat – it was a whack move. even the line about respecting the kid and not knowing if you were involved. all excuses to cover up the fact that he’s lame. lol. I know folks tell me I’m hard on men but really. it’s a party and he can’t find time to speak. puh-leeze. I’m not trying to hear it.

Leggs

July 17th, 2012
12:06 pm

kimmie ~ I watched it. Her story touched me because like her I wanted my father to know who I was. I was insistent that this man meet me before he or I left this Earth. I met my father when I was 28. I wanted him to know the person standing in front of him excelled in life without any tangible/supportive input from him. I was angry. I was very thankful that I made amends with him before he left this Earth. Unlike the young lady in the story, I was so very glad she was able to meet the family on her father’s side along with her mother’s support. I never met nary a person from his side of the family and I regret that to this day. I got my mother’s sass/spunk/hudzpah, and my father’s lean body.

The lady in the piece was very insightful and well spoken. Just used too many excuses not to get the job done!

Into the Light

July 17th, 2012
12:09 pm

@Kimmie: And he is so right. I’ve found that if you are in tune and paying attention, your body will tell you what it needs/wants. And, once you have eliminated the toxins, the more good stuff you put in your body, the more good stuff you crave. I have found that when I get out of the habit of eating junk, I get to a point where it sounds nauseating to me. Even the smell of fast food is disgusting.

Unfortunately, I have slipped back into old habits. I have to get back on the wagon! :)