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Ex-files: Should you apologize?

“I’m sorry if I ever caused you any pain”. These 8 words popped up on my text messages last week. I didn’t recognize the number, but I didn’t have to. I knew who it was from. I knew why he was saying I’m sorry. I knew that I was not going to reply back.

After years of holding animosity, the text message actually brought closure. Closure I didn’t even know I wanted. Maybe apologizing for your romantic crimes is a good idea? When break ups get messy, people get hurt. Would it be that hard to make amends and let the person know you really felt bad for the way you treated the?

Do you ever regret the way you ended things with someone? Do you feel bad about how you handled situations in the past? Do you think you should apologize to the person?

Has an ex ever reached out to you to apologize for hurting you? Do you think it is appropriate to respond? Would you forgive them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

209 comments Add your comment

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
11:11 am

disco – blog monster ate my post…dagnabit!

GracieL

July 10th, 2012
11:11 am

Celisea,

Trying, but PTRD (post traumatic relationship disorder) is not easy to overcome! Like trying to muster up the courage to eat sushi again after spending a week puking and squirting your guts out. ;)

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
11:12 am

Celisea – I agree. Or in other words Keep It Moving!

I have never wasted my time waiting on any past dude to apologize. I call that giving him power he certainly does not deserve. I get on with the living of this short life God gave me, to the best of my ability.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:17 am

GracieL – Overcoming is not always easy but it’s do-able :) If you let go, you’ll forget that other stuff. Not forget as in amnesia but forget as in healing and moving on. The further you move away from him and all his issues, the smaller the thing gets. Ever drive away and the further you got the smaller it becomes? THAT’S how you do it!! Not I won’t every forget the crazy unbelieve things that came out of his pores and actions but by the same token, I can forget about it.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:18 am

Kimmie – Exactly. I’m not even ashamed for the wrong I’ve done because I know moving forward means I’m moving on. Can’t move forward and backwards at the same time. Moving forward means progress.

ATL Guy

July 10th, 2012
11:20 am

So if you were going to see your g/f in another city for Valentines Day, but her personality started really changing, and her friend was this guy who lived next door to her in at her Apartment complex. Then she said, maybe we should just go separate ways. Then my response is , really, how long have you been emotionally or physically involved with your neighbor (who I would hang out with when visiting)? She’s like, its not like that, then I laugh and say if thats the guy you want who is lame and awkward, thats on you, c-ya. Then they married eachother. She apologized saying it was bad the way we broke it off, but I didn’t care. Was kinda surprised, but then found humor in it because I was so much better off. Oh, its her birthday today, lol!

Mike P

July 10th, 2012
11:26 am

@slim: A lot of this has to do with the way I was raised and where I grew up. I wasn’t raised in the U.S. In my circle, people tend to believe that I am too harsh or too strict in my judgement. I’ll admit, a lot of people feel that way but I’m not them, I am me, and I am going to go about my day being me. If for example I am dealing with a woman within my circle, they will say I am being too hard on her for this and that; but to me, in my mind, I am being caring, attentive, sincere, and concerned. If I didn’t care enough about what’s bothering me or about her, then I wouldn’t bother mentioning it to her at all. To me this is normal and I will continue behaving normally. If my behaving normally bothers her so much then she’s not the one for me. As you can tell from all my previous post; I am a pretty consistent dude, I don’t change up because of social pressures; that’s some weak zas ish if you ask me.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:46 am

I’m eating cherries :) I have a pear for my afternoon snack :)

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:49 am

Y’all remember the Cobb County Cop that tried to holler a year or so ago? The one I finally gave my number and told him I was relunctant to give it as I was not looking for a relationship. Remember I told y’all that I told him he could call, I’d be cool hanging out here and there but didn’t want anything….with him? And the moment I gave him my number he text me the next morning saying some bs about hello my beautiful queen….or something like that? Well well well, guess who I ran into yesterday? HIM!!! I so wanted to run the other way but I couldn’t…lol Soooo, I was a lady and chatted with him for a few minutes. He though sent me a message and walked off first…lol I thought it was funny. Sort of felt like, I’m only speaking and that’s all. I was fine with that :)

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:50 am

Saw him at Publix

i'm swiss

July 10th, 2012
11:50 am

“I’m eating cherries”

C — Awwwwwwwwwwww yeaaaaaah. I knew you’d come around eventually. Now, where’s my camera??? lol

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
11:51 am

Swiss! LOL…you make me spit a cherry…LOLOLOLOL

abc

July 10th, 2012
11:56 am

I don’t think I have anything to apologize for to any exes; if they want to apologize for anything, they’ll have to track me down first, and I think that’d be a bit creepy — but whatever, that’s fine too. I don’t think such apologies would have any effect on me, though, I’m not holding any grudges. Don’t necessarily need or want to have contact with them either, but hey, if it helps them out, then fine.

i'm swiss

July 10th, 2012
11:56 am

“you make me spit a cherry”

C — You almost made me bust a nut, so I guess we’re even. lol

DreamsMaterialize

July 10th, 2012
12:00 pm

Morning
I think sometimes people apologize with an expectation of being forgiven and then are upset if the response to the apology is not what they wanted. Your apology isn’t about you; it’s about offering genuine regret for the role you may have played in causing distress to someone who really cared about you. You can’t (and shouldn’t try) to control how someone receives that. Just as you made a choice to apologize, they must make the choice to forgive.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:03 pm

Swiss!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
12:03 pm

Cel – Your 11:51 did not make that any better lol

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:05 pm

Slim – I know right…lol Good thing I didn’t say split a cherry

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
12:10 pm

I must be missing something here cause it seem as if folks think a fling from the past need to be apologetic for some reason. If somebody from months to years done you wrong or vice versa and they missed an opportunity to say sorry that was then. It doesn’t make any sense for somebody to apologize for something that occured ten years prior. If you step on my foot accidently I’m gonna look for you to say something, if it happened ten or more years ago then what’s the use of it.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:15 pm

Blackfoote – That’s why I said if you can look back and learn about yourself, then do better with the next. Time won’t permit us to go back like that. Heck even God won’t require you giving a do-over. I will though say, if you live reckless and with no regard, somewhere in your life once you’ve healed, learned better…or however you want to term it, you’ll know yourself what you need to do for making amends. Making amends though is not about the other person, it’s about you. An acknowledgement is good but not necessary for doing better.

The dude that came back to me did it because he wanted to see if there was something left. In that case yeah, if anything is going to happen, it won’t be head of a talk. But I was gone by then. Still had feelings but I’d turned the page already.

Blackfoote – I saw where you hung out on the couch. Sometimes that is the best vacay. Hanging out and doing nothing. Keeping cool and getting fat :)

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:16 pm

Ahead of a talk..not head of a talk

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
12:25 pm

Exactly Cely we learn from past mistakes, I don’t ever need a person to say I’m sorry for something they did 15 years ago. I mesh with current issues and my past has set me up to deal responsibly with current events.

disco

July 10th, 2012
12:29 pm

re: old A apologies. an acquaintance of mine recently received an apology from a former tormentor. way back in high school and into their early 20s girl A was essentially bullied by girl B. naturally it was over some little old dusty boy (girl B’s boyfriend, girl A’s baby daddy). girl B eventually married the guy and they are still married now. I guess she got to feeling guilty re harassing the other girl all those years.

DJ Sniper

July 10th, 2012
12:31 pm

Years ago, an ex of mine tried to name me as her child’s father. We got a DNA test and the test proved that I wasn’t. Several years later, she found me on Facebook and asked if I would call her. I did, and she proceeded to apologize for all the drama she put me through. She told me about a lot of stuff that happened when she was younger that caused her to act out the way she did towards me and a few other people. That was very big of her, and her apology was accepted.

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:33 pm

Blackfoote – Exactly. We don’t have the capacity to store all that stuff….lol

I will say, not too often have I encountered dudes that are rotten to the core. Not even my kid’s dad. He was trifling but I wouldn’t say rotten. I think maybe once or twice have a encountered rotten. I’m getting away from that and just sort of keep it recorded in my psyche…lol

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
12:37 pm

Remember the story where I allowed this tramp to keep from going out with a lady friend I had been dating a while. I accepted full responsibility for my actions, it was wrong, distasteful, and not neccessary. I paid the price, but I also made ammends immediatley not days, weeks, and months later no right then. Although I lost her she said it made a world of difference of how she perceived me afterwards.

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
12:37 pm

I don’t go through life waiting on people from the past to apologize to me, but if they take it upon themselves to reach out later to do so, then I would try to appreciate that act. Waiting in limbo on a person to ‘get it or have a light bulb moment’ keeps you anchored in that same spot…in the PAST. Now some apologies just won’t get as much as an eye wink from me….years ago my mothers ex-hubby pulled a gun out on me and that falls into the category of soldier girls rant, “GET OUT MY FACE!” lol

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:37 pm

DJ Sniper – That was good

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
12:39 pm

To Slim’s post….Exactly. If you’re rotten and have tried hand me rotten, that’s what you’ll always be to me….sorry. Once I know, I know. There are mistakes and then there’s the lowdown dirty.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
12:47 pm

Slim1 I can get with your 12:37.

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
12:53 pm

Slim now singing, “you can get wit dis, or you can get wit dat. You can get wit dis, or you can get wit dat. You can get with this or you can get with that. You can get with this, cuz this is kinda phat” ;-)

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
1:27 pm

Okay, where is everybody?

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
1:28 pm

My daddy’s brother had a saying “life begins at forty”….anyone heard this? As a kid I would think, WTHeck? That’s old and you’ll be near death by that time….lol Silly little girl I was. I’m understanding it now :)

You’re on a new batch of mistakes, not the ones from your twenties…lol On this stretch in life, kids getting gone, creditors are no longer considered the boogie man, doing whatever the heck you want because it won’t be something reckless coupled with a ton of regret or backlash. When you don’t give a hoot what folks think, as you’ve come to understand they’re only people and keeping a standard is not for their sake anyway. Understanding the need to go to bed, not run the streets…lol Understanding and being okay in a 40 year old body and happy to let go of the training bra look. Understanding that it’s okay to look hot at 40 but with a different sexy to it. You can eat what you want but you have no desire to live off ff and honeybuns. Health moves to the forefront. Okay, I rarely cook now but I’m just saying. I’m not hanging out at drive-thrus either….lol And some other stuff………..

All in my opinion of course that unc was on to something. Just sitting here thinking.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
1:43 pm

Cely yes 40’s are a gift and women in or near that age are the pedals on a rose. I’m dazzled to see women at this age with perfect proportions and knowing the games that are played.

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
1:43 pm

Celisea – I’m so feeling that post. Every age range has it’s good & it’s not so great, but I would not go back. It’s incredibly freeing to not care what other think in the sense of living your life to please other people. I’m reading some of these posts saying “imma be me” and “I don’t care about anyone elses feelings”. I remember hearing that alot in my younger years from guys. They didn’t know any better. It’s not about that. You understand that while you don’t center your life around other folks opinions, you don’t go out here all reckless and think you can say what you want to say to people and treat them any kind of way because “that’s me being me”. And then expect people to blow it off and not be affected. Everyone really should strive to treat people like they want to be treated. Some people have a hard time doing that though.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

July 10th, 2012
1:50 pm

Kimmie for girl strength, I know you can be counted on. Good post.

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
1:52 pm

Thanks Blackfoote! :)

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
1:52 pm

Blackfoote – This is a beautiful age and time. Yes it is.

Kimmie – I’m loving it. You know it’s not even about beating your chest and proving what you can and can’t do. It’s just how things flow at this time. IF you’re getting it together and getting things synched in life, then you get this picture overall.

I agree too, the realization of most of what we do is not about other folks looking on but you better believe it affects. I agree too that you CANNOT treat people any kind of way and just blow it off. No you don’t to go back, but age and time should move you along and change your way of thinking and your actions. Who still plays games at 40…heck during their 30s? My uncle would also say if you ain’t got it by now (40s), you won’t get it. I also get that. If you are still reckless and ruthless and unaccountable and blaming others, then the likelihood that you’ll change is slim to none. But again, we’re living our lives and not worrying about what others are doing :)

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
1:59 pm

My uncle would also say if you ain’t got it by now (40s), you won’t get it.

C – My mom used to say the same, about the 30’s! I hear alot of older people saying that though, and I am living to see it’s very true. I have little patience with folk at a certain age still trying to find themselves. Even if you don’t have it all together and figured out, you should at least be a good ways down the right path!

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
2:09 pm

Kimmie – “Trying to find themselves”…lol Who invented that? I don’t have much patience either. It’s not exactly rocket science

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
2:18 pm

kimmie – I guess my singing had scared everyone away. :-(

ATL Guy

July 10th, 2012
2:22 pm

Slim – what area of Atlanta do you live in?

kimmie

July 10th, 2012
2:31 pm

Slim, I like that song!LOL!!

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
2:31 pm

Me too….took me back a few years….lol

Where’s disco and one of her stories?

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
2:32 pm

Conyers, why?

ATL Guy

July 10th, 2012
2:35 pm

I don’t even know where Conyers is. Do you go out in Atlanta when you date? If so what areas? Just curious

Willie Dynamite

July 10th, 2012
2:43 pm

Afternoon All,

I have apologized to a few from my past. I didn’t and won’t seek any of them out. I have however acknowledged as I’ve gotten older that I may have misled (inadvertently) a few of them. Sometimes words are not enough to overcome the power of emotions. My actions at the time probably was more in line with there emotional expectations. I am now a big enough MAN to understand this. At the time, the puddy was good and I had my fill and K.I.M.
With that being said;
I apologize to any girl/woman that I may have misled or otherwise taken advantage of in my past. I honestly meant no ill will towards you as a person. My actions were not meant to deceive, manipulate and/or harm your emotional well being. Please accept this blanket apology as my attempt to personally acknowledge the hurt that I may have caused.

Sincurly,

Willie Dynamite

Celisea...tiptoeing through the tulips headed for vacay!!

July 10th, 2012
2:43 pm

LOLOLOLOLOL…..boy stop

SlimUno

July 10th, 2012
2:46 pm

Conyers is down I-20W past Lithonia and yes I have been out in Atlanta. I’ve been to Atlantic Station, Buckhead, Two Urban Licks, Ecco, Straits, Pear, etc….

ATL Guy

July 10th, 2012
2:49 pm

Right on – I live in Brookhaven right next to Buckhead. That area as some good spots for dates, but for me Buckhead is more a bar scene with friends. Tend to go on dates more in the Virginia Highlands – Midtown – West End. Btw, Two Urban Licks is great! I would own you at some Bocce Ball ;)