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Dating: Is waiting a problem?

I hear complain all the time about the lack of effort and interest men show in beginning an actual relationship. It seems that a lot of single men expect sex way too early. Before there is any talk of exclusivity, commitment, or even Facebook status changes – men want the relationship to get physical.

A lot of women get the sense that waiting for sex is a problem for men. They start to feel pressure to hook up because they want the guy to stick around and “possibly” start a relationship with them.

Of course, this only leads to disappointment and bitterness, which can lead to a tricky dating scene to navigate. Why do some women think that postponing sex in a new relationship risky?

Guys, do you ever give women the impression that waiting is a problem for you? How would you advise a woman to handle it when she wants to wait but doesn’t want the guy to lose interest?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

247 comments Add your comment

Lily

July 5th, 2012
6:53 am

Waiting is not a problem for me. Women really should learn, realize and understand it’s your body, your temple. You should never succumb to the pressure of sex. If you want respect and for a man to take you seriously then lead by example…respect and love yourself first! While some may assume otherwise, it’s not about playing games nor setting a specific time nor making someone wait. If you don’t want to end up hurt or disappointed then don’t allow yourself to get sported for something as shallow as a feel good for a few minutes for something that’s going to take time for you to heal and recover. Think for yourself and act when you feel you’re ready. It matters not much to me what the perception is behind my desire to wait. I will not allow myself to be sported while someone decides if I’m worth more than just a good time….or not.

Lily

July 5th, 2012
7:01 am

Enter your comments here

Exiled!

July 5th, 2012
7:31 am

Happy 5th Lily!

So Lily,u have been waiting All this while,right? Has that worked for you. Have u closed the deal with a guy at All viz marriage? Or maybe you don’t want marriage?

Chew on that.

What would I advise a woman thats in a conundrum on this? :

Well if you like the guy and you want the sex as well, well,make the sex as guuud and stella as you possibly can coz that can help. It won’t necessarily seal the deal. If the sex is whack then poof goes the potential in smoke that he will stick around.

If having sex with someone makes you feel like you waz robbed,then Don’t do it! :lol: It shouldn’t be that way but if it is,then by All means chill a bit untill you get comfortable.

But be warned,if a dude is a hound and wants your puddy as bad as ge wants it,he’s gon chill and
lie low like a lion checking for the gazelles in an African savana untill the opening comes then he
will pounce.

Some men are long distance sex waiters(waiting) and can outrun(outwait) the best fourth of July peachtree runners!

So my advice is if you want it let him have it!

Cake cake cake cake is good for us All including You!

Lily

July 5th, 2012
7:44 am

@Exiled, no sillyhead (lol), I’m not a virgin! I’m speaking in the sense of how often we feel the pressure. What Wise Diva mentioned is real. I’m only saying look before you leap. Consequences are real.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
8:34 am

I would never pressure someone into doing something they didn’t want to do. And if you feel pressure then maybe it’s time to move on.

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
8:54 am

“It matters not much to me what the perception is behind my desire to wait. I will not allow myself to be sported while someone decides if I’m worth more than just a good time….or not.” – Deserved repeating.

Being pressured to have sex cannot possibly lead to an enjoyable time. If you don’t want to wait, simply move on to the next who may be on the same page as you. If you want to have sex for the sake of physical connection and relief, go for it. If you want a relationship and you’re not even talking about exclusivity and you’re in a rotation (and know it), play Russian Roulette. You get what you get.

Single ~ enjoyed the banter on Friday.

Good morning! Good morning.

disco

July 5th, 2012
9:01 am

good morning guys. pressure to have sex? this is almost comical to me. not because it doesn’t happen but because I can’t imagine it happening in my world. sure, in youth, pressure was a real thing. as a grown woman, I wish a man would try to pressure me into sex. I laugh at the thought.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
9:05 am

Leggs, so did I, but today isn’t Monday (LOL) even though it feels like it, you’ll have me really messed up tomorrow

Big Al

July 5th, 2012
9:07 am

If you try for sex too early in a relationship, women think you’re a creep.

If you wait too long for sex, women think you’re a wimp.

I’d rather be thought of a creep than a wimp, so I always go for the sex early.

Mike P

July 5th, 2012
9:21 am

If you feel pressured, then you’re dealing with the wrong person; choose better.

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
9:31 am

Oh snap, thanks Single. Heck, if you’re messed up, I’m moreso (lol).

disco ~ I’m with you too. Can’t even fathom someone pressuring me into sex.

kimmie

July 5th, 2012
9:34 am

Morning folks!

Count me with disco & Leggs! That’s not a “grown” person’s problem.

Mike P – At this stage of the game, I agree.

disco

July 5th, 2012
9:43 am

well… (to attempt at keeping conversation going) – I’ve had a grown man beg before but I don’t think I consider begging pressure. it can be cute or it can be annoying as heck depending on my mood but it doesn’t sway my decision one way or another. guys, what’s really with the begging? is it real or is it a ploy? if it’s real, grow up. if it’s a ploy, grow up. lol.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
9:44 am

I guess I’m a wimp, I can wait.

kimmie

July 5th, 2012
9:52 am

Single – You’re not a wimp, you’re a grown a– man that doesn’t care about what folk “say” or stupid labels like a high-schooler!

GracieL

July 5th, 2012
9:53 am

Pop Quiz:

Which man treats a woman better?
(a) The man who wants to have sex with her but hasn’t yet.
(b) The man who already convinced her to give it up.

Ladies, y’all KNOW the answer to this one. Would any of the gentlemen like to weigh in first?

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
9:55 am

I’ve had men beg before. It’s not cute. If anything, at least for me, it makes me not want to sex you even more.

Single, no darling. You are not a wimp. Grown A Man is stamped on your forehead…Go forth and continue your journey. :lol:

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
9:55 am

Morning folks….

On topic:

Pressure? Please, I’m grown. Yeah there are those that will try and sell “let’s just let things flow and see how things go from there” I think not. Like it’s been said already, I’m a grown woman and not into playing games so if you’ve not gotten any say day one or month one, it’s not because I want to box you into a window or timeframe but rather I’m not feeling it and I’m not ready. If you can’t get with that then the next step is finding someone on the same program you’re on.

I’m a bit irked this morning. My coworker asked me to cover for her and her stuff is jacked up. Ugh…

disco

July 5th, 2012
9:56 am

gracie – the man who convinced her to give it up? really? I’m still stumped with the notion of a grown woman getting talked out of some. she’s either doing what she wants to do because she wants to do it or she’s got a lot of growing up to do.

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
9:56 am

kimmie ~ I now see your post, thinking alike….

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
9:59 am

Leggs and Single and Happy – I went back and watched the movie again. I was right. There was only one person…not twins. During the course of the movie, he was Richard and his brother was Mark. Well when I saw the birth certificate (which I missed)…I knew he looked at it the first time but I wasn’t paying close attention, his first name was Richard, his middle name was Mark. So he went the entire movie playing two people, believing one was a twin. And yes, in the end he killed himself.

Exiled!

July 5th, 2012
10:00 am

Disco…re:begging?

When I think about it especially now when I’m chilling,begging is laughable..my begging was laughable.
But it’s the only way to get it sometimes. You know how a guy and chic can play these lil games while in the lusting/loving zone.

But these days I don’t beg. If I kiss her and angle towards her initiating some romance and she mutters something that means it’s a ‘NO’, I turn the other way and say goodnite,and play golf with myself for the nite.

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
10:05 am

Thanks for the clarifications, Celisea.

disco

July 5th, 2012
10:05 am

ex – “When I think about it especially now when I’m chilling,begging is laughable..” you know that reads like it’s laughable NOW because you are chilling. guess it’s not so funny mid-beg. lol.

GracieL

July 5th, 2012
10:06 am

disco: “I’m still stumped with the notion of a grown woman getting talked out of some.”

I don’t mean to be presumptuous here, but based on this statement, you must be an extremely handsome, sexy man.

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
10:07 am

Don’t mean to get this personal, but am curious.

“I turn the other way and say goodnite,and play golf with myself for the nite.” – When you do this, is she right beside you? If so, does it bother you that she’s ignoring you rocking the bed all by your lonesome?

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:08 am

There have been way too many times I’ve heard men say if a woman gives them a timeframe, that they take that to mena mean she’s playing games. That if she wants it too then what’s the issue. Just because phyiscally you’re feeling the urge does not mean it’s the right time. I don’t think you should ever say okay 3 months or 6 months from now so forth and so on. What I do believe is, a man should RESPECT a woman to move forward when she’s ready. When the heart the mind and the body are all aligned. It’s a big step (well not for those that just hump anything) moving forward into another phase. And you have to be ready for the shift.

Natasha

July 5th, 2012
10:10 am

This is a HUGE problem here, only because women allow it. Men only do what we as women allow them to. Personally for me, as of lately it seems as if many of the men I have met have been raised by wolves! But having standards, this “sexual pressure” is not tolerated, and I send them on their way, with no retribution or hopes of a second chance;

STRIKE ONE and you’re out buddy.

I feel if you present yourself in a respectful manner you should be treated as such, but it has not prevented me or other women that I know of from running into this same problem. But because other women do allow this, many of these men think its okay. Until there is a HUGE uprising of women coming together and demanding respect, the old statement will still hold true; what you won’t do someone else will. Having sex with someone (no matter how great it is) does not prevent him from getting it from someone else, or magically have feelings for you and want a relationship. Men are not emotionally connected through sex like that, women are! It is strictly physical (unless they develop an emotional connection with you first.) It will just be great sex, and you will turn into a great booty call, not a great relationship.

CONCLUSION: Hold your ground, demand respect, and eventually someone who appreciates it will come along. All is not fair in love and war in Atlanta. It is what it is.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:11 am

Celisia, u missed a lot when tv was watching you

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:13 am

Natasha – You sound like me…lol Seriously. AND NO IT’S NOT ME!!! I agree with everything you said except “All is not fair in love and war in Atlanta”

All is fair in love and war….always. It all depends on how you battle. Sometimes you win sometimes you lose, that’s fair. Being on the winning end all the time is not when one should call it fair.

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:13 am

Single and Happy – LOL…I did. My nap was good though :)

GracieL

July 5th, 2012
10:14 am

Leggs @ 10:07,

Hahahaha!

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:14 am

Single and Happy – Are you screwing my name up on purpose? lol Sometimes you get it right sometimes not

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:14 am

Natasha who are these people you have to demand respect from? If they haven’t learned how to give respect, do you really want them around?

Leggs

July 5th, 2012
10:16 am

Natasha ~ always glad to read another woman experiencing what I experience. Last week, disco helped and made me feel like I wasn’t a lone sheep in the field (lol).

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:16 am

Celisea I guess that my dyslectic kicking in (LOL)

disco

July 5th, 2012
10:18 am

Natasha – I agree with everything except for the comment that women are emotionally connected. I’d amend that to say some or even most. lol.

gracie – I don’t know if we are mis-communicating or if we really are on two different sides here. what I do know is that I will not be talked out of the goods if giving up the goods isn’t on MY agenda. I reiterate that the notion continues to stump me.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:18 am

play golf with yourself, man glad I never took up golf (LOL)

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:21 am

And men can get emotionally attached through sex! they may say you’re just a booty call but stop being there when he calls!

Natasha

July 5th, 2012
10:22 am

@Single and Happy

Did you read my entire post? If I have to demand respect that is STRIKE ONE, and they are out! This is not w/ every man that I meet, but as of recently I have had this experience. Along with other women I know. If that is what a guy gets used to, he assumes it is the norm. Which is strange, being that life is like a box of chocolates and all, especially women. lol

Just Saying

July 5th, 2012
10:22 am

Sex is important in every relationship. if you want to have sex with some one then go ahead if you do not then dont.
If you want to wait till you get married or you want to wait because of your religion then be honest right from the start and let me know. if I like you I will wait, if I dont I will leave. Plain and simple.
I am very physical and I let every woman know from the start. If you do not like it, you have every right to leave cause i am not right for you. If you want to wait, tell me you want to wait no need for all the games.

Natasha

July 5th, 2012
10:30 am

@Leggs

Me too! At first I did think it was just me, because this recently just started happening, and I do not put myself out there in that nature. With that being said stay strong sister! lol

@disco

Women are emotional creatures by nature. Usually this connection is only forcefully broken through bad experiences that make them want to remove this emotion by becoming “more like a man”. But we can agree to disagree on that one.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:31 am

Natasha maybe I misunderstood your words, but sexual pressure was strike one, your conclusion read “CONCLUSION: Hold your ground, demand respect, and eventually someone who appreciates it will come along. All is not fair in love and war in Atlanta. It is what it is.

Single and Happy

July 5th, 2012
10:34 am

Natasha I’m just old school when it comes to respect, it’s giving until the person does something to lose it, Then they’re only tolerated when necessary.

GracieL

July 5th, 2012
10:35 am

disco,

I’m not on a “side” but I have been on the receiving end of some serious persuasive arguments in my time. But that’s not my point at all, so I’ll explain: My perspective here relates to my current dating demographic which is also a large group of my friends I’ve known forever: Freshly (or not so freshly) divorced forty-something men. The topic is “waiting,” right?

What I’m seeing is that a man will go out of his way to woo, court, or (insert verb of choice) a woman he wants to have sex with. What I’m also seeing — especially in this demographic — is that once he’s consummated physical intimacy with the object of pursuit, he becomes paranoid that she will now think they are a couple, or in a relationship, and will become possessive, when he is not ready to “settle down” again. In Atlanta, a man has many options. Believe that they want to explore them before making another life-altering commitment. Unless he falls head over heels with a conquest (rare), his tack changes from pursuit to evasion, to stringing her along.

From my perspective, I prefer being pursued to being evaded or strung along. The best way I’ve found to achieve that is to say, “I’m not emotionally ready for sex right now. I understand if that’s an issue for you. Do what you need to do.”

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:38 am

Single and Happy – I definitely agree on your 10:34

disco

July 5th, 2012
10:38 am

lol. Natasha. we can agree to disagree or we really don’t have to (disagree that is). I understand and get that generally speaking women are the more emotional beings. I also understand that there are exceptions to the norm. there are plenty of over-emotional men out there and plenty of women whose emotional sides come up a little short. it may or may not have to do with life experiences. they could just be wired a little differently. goodness knows I know men that are “in love all the time”. I know men who (in my opinion) cry way too much and for not much of a reason.

Natasha

July 5th, 2012
10:39 am

@Single and Happy

Agreed>> ” I’m just old school when it comes to respect, it’s giving until the person does something to lose it, Then they’re only tolerated when necessary.”

Because I am very old school as well, but I don’t even tolerate them when necessary, once the respect is gone its gone, and they are waste of space. Then all of a sudden you have a bunch of people in your life that you just tolerate. And that cannot happen.

Celisea

July 5th, 2012
10:42 am

What I’m seeing is that a man will go out of his way to woo, court, or (insert verb of choice) a woman he wants to have sex with. What I’m also seeing — especially in this demographic — is that once he’s consummated physical intimacy with the object of pursuit, he becomes paranoid that she will now think they are a couple, or in a relationship, and will become possessive, when he is not ready to “settle down” again

Then apparently something is being lost in translations or not translated at all. Before you do anything or move into the intimate realm, it should be crystal clear where things are headed. If a man woos and gets the goodies and then falls back to “we ain’t together”, then that’s on you. You didn’t get the message relayed of what you wanted and expected.

Dynamic

July 5th, 2012
10:42 am

I don’t understand why if a woman isn’t ready to have sex with a man or wants to wait a specific time frame (to make sure she is making the correct decision) to have sex that this behavior is seen as “playing games”?