Dating: Excuse me, do you read books?
When you are dating, you are subject to a lot of scrutiny. It’s just part of the dating game that is played out in different ways. The reality is that we are always dating a variety of people to determine how compatible they are. If you meet someone and realize they are “intellectually challenged” or dumb as a box of rocks, is it a deal breaker?
Intelligence is sexy but sometimes people try to downplay their smarts, education, and knowledge because they don’t want to come across too nerdy. (As if being nerdy is a bad thing!) Is it wise to pretend you are less smart as not to intimidate someone who isn’t?
My friend Jay was on a date with a young woman who admitted that she never read books. No e-books, books on tape, or anything. Ever. Obviously, this would be a deal breaker for some people, but I think she would find a lot of men who would be fine with her lack of reading.
How important is it for you to date someone who is your intellectual equal?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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192 comments Add your comment
disco
July 2nd, 2012
11:52 am
brat – my son is grown but there is a box of harry potter books and movies at my house from his harry potter days. once I said I was going to give them away to a friend’s kid and he wasn’t having it. I forgot about them or I would have made them take the box with him on his last visit.
GracieL
July 2nd, 2012
11:52 am
It’s important to me. If I’m always explaining things to a man that I think are basic knowledge (i.e., the concept of a bicameral legislature, or any word with more than four syllables), it gets tiresome.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
11:55 am
FYI, Ted outstrips Magic Mike at box office.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
11:59 am
‘…seems he’s forgotten how to cherish his mama’s good intentions.” – isn’t it a shame how many forget that (lol).
disco
July 2nd, 2012
12:00 pm
gracie – your posts made me realize that we didn’t address the whole dumb as a box of rocks issue. not that not reading is necessarily the culprit. I appreciate that different people have different knowledge and skill sets but I’ve come across a few folks that came off as just plain stupid (not that I’m name calling just making a point). personally, I don’t have much tolerance for it especially in dating.
Single and Happy
July 2nd, 2012
12:10 pm
bi whata what (LOL)
czBrat
July 2nd, 2012
12:21 pm
I forgot about them or I would have made them take the box with him on his last visit.
lmao!!!
yes, leggs. it is. sigh but i know i did it to my mama, too. so i’ll just zip it.
oh, and thing 1 put an offer on a house this weekend. i’m feeling a little queasy about the munchkins really, REALLY growing up on me.
Celisea....ITL and Blackfoote...the zinger triplets
July 2nd, 2012
12:28 pm
Off topic: Is it vain for men to dye their hair? I thought I noticed every Monday less silver in one of my coworker’s hair. I’m certain he’s dying his hair I guess every weekend. The hair void of color reminds me of Richard Gere and looks very distinguished. I guess to each his own though. He looks really good with the silver. It’s a nice blend…not too much. Guess he likes going back to almost all black.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
12:30 pm
brat – no joke. I’m not the parent who is going to keep your room exactly as you left it. my house is not a free storage unit. I made allowances for college but now we are post-college. come and get your crap. lol.
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
12:35 pm
Well, I guess I’ll clean my moniker until my zingers show up again.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
12:36 pm
Same here, czB. Same here!!
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
12:39 pm
I don’t think it’s vain for men to dye their hair. Like us, perhaps too much grey is too much for them as well.
czB ~ hope everything goes right for thing 1 (lol).
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
12:42 pm
Afternoon Folks!
Trying to come up for air in this place! Hard at work.
On topic- I don’t have time to read like I used to. I do prefer non-fiction, biographies to be exact. I have always been an avid reader and even with my full schedule and limited time, I do keep up with current events. It has always been an absolute must that I have someone who as at least on my level intellectually. Not necessarily education-wise, but intelligent and naturally curious. I really would not know what to do with a grown man that was slow. My 10-year old can engage me in an intelligent conversation. I would expect my mate to do at least as well. There are some that can’t though!
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
12:42 pm
Leggs – I’m sure more men do it than realized. His hair is beautiful. But, like women maybe he’s not ready to let the gray be.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
12:45 pm
celisea/leggs – or maybe dude (hair dyeing guy) has just hooked up with a young girl. he’s now trying to revitalize his appearance. get his old swag back. lol.
kimmie – i love that you said “slow”. that there’s calling a spade a spade.
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
12:45 pm
Oh, and while I don’t sit around talking about how much education I have or spouting off 10-syllable words or being a know-it-all, no way have I ever dumbed myself down for a dude and never intend to. I don’t talk down to anyone and I treat people with respect. I don’t make people feel uncomfortable or think that I am “better”. I feel I can “learn” from anyone. But dumb-down to make you feel comfortable – uhm no.
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
12:49 pm
disco – Personally I don’t think he needs help, but hey who asked me? Folks operate from the inside out and you never know what make folks tick. Having a head full of almost black hair could be the thing for him. And yes,he could very well benefit in a special way from having the majority of black stands over the grays…lol
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
12:50 pm
I sure wouldn’t mind another Varsity dog today…mmmm Too hot to walk though. No can do.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
12:54 pm
C – I was kind of joking (especially since i don’t know him) but I have seen it when an oldhead messes around and pulls a young hottie. he swaps out his levi’s for fubu, starts trying to use a slang word here and there. trying to prove he’s hip. fronting old dudes can be a trip. lol.
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
12:55 pm
disco – I don’t know any other way to put it!LOL!! I can handle being around people that just haven’t had the exposure or the opportunities that I have. But some are happy where they are and just don’t want to do better. They are comfortable. Fine, find someone who is just as comfortable. I’m not the one.
MervTheTerrible
July 2nd, 2012
12:56 pm
“Intelligence is sexy but sometimes people try to downplay their smarts, education, and knowledge”
I like playing the dumb hick card just to see how far someone will go with it (dating excluded) write offs are fun!
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
12:57 pm
disco – I don’t really have a problem with a man trying to spruce himself up and maintain a stylish, well-kept look. But there is nothing sadder that somebody trying to turn back the clock and be hip-hop! SMH
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
1:00 pm
disco – Actually for him you’re sort of leaning towards hitting the nail on the head…lol I’ve had chicks to call asking me to tell him hello, I’ve had chicks to IM asking if he’s as hot as they’ve heard. Oh, I just had one that IM’d me last week saying “I got on the elevator with so and so!” Um…okay I guess…lol Yeah, that silver is working or him in more ways than he realizes. I don’t think though he’s quite honed in on that fact or else he would run with the silvery mixture
In all seriousness I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything that I don’t concretely know. I’m really kidding and just creating blog convo
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
1:01 pm
But that other stuff is true…chicks IMing and calling me
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
1:02 pm
Richard Gere and Sean Connery are two that can wear gray with finesse
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
1:33 pm
re: hair dye. There’s a guy hair (african american) who hair has gone completely white. Not even silver, all white. He came to work one day with his hair all black and looked a hot mess. I know he was glad when that dye wore off. Hell, I was glad.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
1:35 pm
disco ~ I used the word “hip” a few months back and my child said “stop showing your age!”
SlimNu
July 2nd, 2012
1:35 pm
LOL that’s funny Leggs. That’s how I feel when my stepdad dyes his mustache jet black
I actually have a lot of gray hair
SexyCool
July 2nd, 2012
1:38 pm
So, you are attracted to a person who is employed, a decent person, doesn’t trip little kids running around the grocery store, has all their teeth, pays their bills, is a good conversationalist and has a sense of humor….but….they don’t read books, so it’s a dealbreaker?!?
This is why there are miserable single people in the world.
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
1:50 pm
SexyC – Well said….
When I was with my kid’s dad, we use to hang out with his dad on weekends (making money) and I could NEVER put my finger on what was odd about him. Mind you he was mid sixties at that time (I think 15 years his mom’s senior), face wrinkled as should be but not bad looking at all. I kept asking my kid’s dad what was odd about him and he would always laugh and say you figure it out. IT WAS HIS HAIR….IT WAS JET BLACK and looked really weird against his aged face. It looked like a mat or something. I died when I figured it out….and so did my kid’s dad…lol I never saw any gray stands of hair. He kept his hair black and he kept some women (as they were divorced) always about 20 years younger on his arm.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
1:50 pm
YEP
SexyCool
July 2nd, 2012
2:00 pm
It has already been well established that the ability to read does not serve as a way to measure intellect.
I will say though that I have dated someone who wanted to think of himself as smarter than me and HATED it when I proved to be more knowledgeable and/or experienced in a subject or area than him.
So, not everybody is looking for an intellectual equal.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
2:08 pm
You’re right, SexyC, some seek others not as intelligent as they are so they can feel superior. I call those folk dumbclucks.
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
2:13 pm
SCool/Leggs – Some folks want someone they can TRAIN!LOL!!
I just have always like men I can have a intelligent convo with. Don’t have to be super-deep or anything. Just interesting. Love people that have had different experiences.
I’ve found most “know-it-alls” to be insecure.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
2:22 pm
SCool – deal breakers don’t necessarily have to make sense. I recently took a new guy out of the running when I discovered he had a bankruptcy under his belt. of course he attempted to convince me that it was a learning experience and blah blah blah. some friends figured a bankruptcy shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I understand the whole “bad things happen to good people” concept but I would never respect the financial decisions of a mate who had a bankruptcy/foreclosure/repo (and I’m not talking 20 years ago, I’m talking relatively recently). in my opinion if you can’t be trusted with the financial decisions of the house you can’t head the house. ultimately it would seem like I was emasculating the guy. no point in wasting our time.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
2:28 pm
another point that irritates me sometimes about some folks is when you run across the one that loves to debate but can’t really tell you much about his/her sources. he/she may have picked up bits or pieces of something at the barber shop/salon or saw a little bit on the news but you know they didn’t do any research on their own and aren’t very informed on the topic. I often want to tell them to shut up until they can cite a daggone source. they’ll argue you into the ground though and often haven’t a clue what they are talking about.
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
2:36 pm
disco – I have a friend just like that in your 2:28. You can’t tell her anything. I’ve just taken to letting her have the floor and look stupid. I’ve seen her flat-out lie to prove her point too. She can be completely overbearing when she gets on a tangent about something. I used to try to help her, but she gets an attitude, so I just let her act the fool. I love her & her hubs to death, but she can be a loose cannon at times. I don’t have her around certain other friends because I have a heart. There are some that are REALLY experts on things she claims to know, and they would embarrass her.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
2:39 pm
Perhaps that’s what she needs, kimmie!!
I know this guys who swears he knows something about everything, even child birth. I had to shut him up and tell him when he conceives and births a baby we can talk then. Until that time STFU!
kimmie
July 2nd, 2012
2:46 pm
Leggs – You are right, she needs it.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
2:53 pm
leggs – well what about the person that no matter what you are talking about they claim to have had the same experience. you know they are lying but it’s just what they do. lol.
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
2:53 pm
Honestly at this point in my life, I need you to be established, a man about business, a man that took care of his kids and about to send them skipping off into life. A man about a job and looking at the other end of the spectrum in the way of retirement…say the next 25 years. All that other stuff and how many books on the shelf just does not impress at this point.
At this point, I don’t care what school you attended, I don’t care where you ranked, I don’t care how many degrees nor whether or not you go to B and N every week. At this point if you’re still on the bottom than apparently books didn’t do it for you and I guess not as much of an asset as believed. If books and intellect in a bookly way ain’t work for you in all this time as far as lack of evidence in the fruit of your labor, what is there to be proud of? If you didn’t get a clue that the path of experience shouldn’t be discounted cause a book dcan’t explain experience, then you still don’t have a clue.
And if you believe the only people that can match you intellectually is someone that’s well read then….. I find the smarter folks are the ones that got and well but by taking a different route. But of course that’s just me and what I like.
disco
July 2nd, 2012
2:58 pm
dang C. you went hard. still I stand by my preference of a well read mate. is it a dealbreaker? no but it would most definitely be a plus. it would be something in common, I would love to be able to read/recommend/discuss books with the person I was with. for me I don’t think the well read part of the topic is the issue as much as the dumb as a box of rocks. a person can be well read and still come off as “slow” and vice versa. the world is full of “educated fools”.
Leggs
July 2nd, 2012
3:02 pm
I need you to be established, a man about business, – Celisea, the guy I met who wanted me to meet him up at QT for a sitdown in the car and talk called me the other day and asked my age. I told him and he was surprised. He said he’s not looking to date someone my age. Before I knew it I said “why because we see through your dumb games?” I said “cool, cuz I can’t see me getting with someone who doesn’t have a car.”
Why do guys try and deflect and make the problem mine. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor…silly rabbit!
cba
July 2nd, 2012
3:03 pm
Exhale Celisea (lol) I like that.
I think it’s ironic how some people (the majority) talks about whether or not Mr Obama colors his hair and they will post a couple of pics to validate their point. Yet!, Regan was 90 yrs old with jet black hair and I can’t recall any comments whether it was real or dye. Sorta like Jermaine Jackson (lol)
Single and Happy
July 2nd, 2012
3:03 pm
Leggs @ your 2:29 I didn’t know we had meet (LOL) I did have a woman tell me that I’ve had a pain worse than child birth, kidney stones. she said she had both and would rather have a child any day
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
3:07 pm
disco – I thought that was rather soft…lol I took some stuff out so not too seem too hard. My bad I don’t think being well read is a bad thing at all nor should be a deal breaker. I think though a person is a bumble head if there’s not a bit of give around it. There are deal breakers with me but it’s more morality based. Other stuff I have a bit of give. Not lowering standards but a bit of give. I actually believe two people being able to discuss a book or topic or idea at length is refreshing.
Leggs – OMG…that was funny. I bet you did and rightfully so. Don’t be coming with a list and you have your own mess to get together.
Single and Happy
July 2nd, 2012
3:07 pm
So ladies, how much would you like to have in common with your man?
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
3:09 pm
cba – My bad…lol I thought that was rather light for me…lol
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
3:11 pm
Leggs – If he’s got to ask your age and is surprised that you’re older than I would say you sizzle…lol If I’m younger than I look, that’s a plus.
Celisea
July 2nd, 2012
3:12 pm
If I look younger than my age….