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Dating: Is it lust or love?

One of the reasons I am so irrationally cautious at times with dating is the fear of confusing lust with love. You meet someone so great, you just want to rip their clothes off every time you see them? That’s lust. Not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely NOT love.

A lot of women make the mistake of confusing the two, and I suspect men do too. We are human, so it can be hard to determine when it is real or when it’s love. What do you think is the difference between lust and love?

When do you think you can know with certainty that it is more than lust?

Have you ever confused lust with love? What did you learn, in hindsight, and did it help you for the next time?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

141 comments Add your comment

[...] Dating: Is it lust or love? One of the reasons I am so irrationally cautious at times with dating is the fear of confusing lust with love. You meet someone so great, you just want to rip. Read more on Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) [...]

Lily

June 25th, 2012
6:52 am

Diva, one thing we know for certain is wanting to rip someone’s clothes off say day one is definitely lust. Wanting to rip someone’s clothes or head off (take your pick) well into the relationship beyond “becoming” familiar is clearly indicative you’re past the physical only stage. IMO you may not recognize true love but you certainly know when it’s lust. If you just met them yesterday or you don’t know their last name or whether or not they have kids, their eye color or how tall they are. If you don’t know their address or what they do for a living, their mother’s maiden name or whether or not they have children. If all they know about you is your first name and the beauty mark on your left butt cheek then you are NOT in love.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 25th, 2012
7:07 am

Lust is the physical attraction with no lasting efects in hopes someone is what you need them to be. Love is a physical attraction with personal attachment, pay attention and listen to your gut if your gut likes somebody then your whole persona will like them. Everybody hav’em (gut feelings) then use it to your satifaction it may lead to love. If it doesn’t go by your own definition and stick to it. I’ve been up all through the night working (really trying to stay woke) and I’m going home now and get in bed.

Good Morning and Good Day:

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 25th, 2012
7:09 am

I thought I had you beat Lily, I tried to stay wake around 4am and well you see how that turned out.

Lily

June 25th, 2012
7:16 am

@Blackfoote, it’s the early bird that catches the worm. lol That means you have to at least hit the sack first. It takes a lot to best Lily!! :)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 25th, 2012
7:17 am

“I tried to stay awake” instead of I tried to stay wake. If I tried to stay wake what for when I’m already woke. It’s time for me to go I’m sleep talking see ya.

Lily

June 25th, 2012
7:18 am

beat….bloody auto correct

Lily

June 25th, 2012
7:20 am

@Blackfoote, I get it. lol Get some rest mister. :)

Single and Happy

June 25th, 2012
7:39 am

Don’t know if I’ve ever really lusted after anyone, I like to get to know people (except the one I would have married in a week), the looks can be great, and for at least the first six months your words and you actions mean nothing. If we make it that far, that’s when I really start to pay attention because the real person starts to come out.

Halle

June 25th, 2012
7:50 am

Q. When do you think you can know with certainty that it is more than lust?
A. When he became my family and I knew that my well-being was a priority for him. But I ani’t gon lie we got that “Thang” if left alone in a room together it’s on! :)

Have a Great Day!

disco

June 25th, 2012
9:02 am

good morning. I have to start off with a couple of questions – first, where in the world are all these men that make you want to rip their clothes off every time you see them??? second, how much are tickets to get in?

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
9:25 am

disco

June 25th, 2012
9:48 am

slim – a sister’s just saying. lol.

Celisea

June 25th, 2012
10:01 am

Good morning,

I have nothing on topic :) :)

I do though want to mention I bought these in black (hey WillieD)

http://www.belk.com/AST/Main/Belk_Primary/Shoes/Shop/Womens/Designer/PRD~2900637BERKL2962ZN/MICHAEL+Michael+Kors+Berkley+T+Strap+Sandal.jsp?off=9

and a pair similiar to these made by the same designer (except the toes are covered…and for vacay)

http://www.belk.com/AST/Main/Belk_Primary/Shoes/Shop/Womens/Comfort/PRD~2900273TINAR29164B/Born+Tinari+Sandal.jsp?off=14

and

a dress I couln’t find shown on their website

alllllll from Belks at Phipps for (drumroll please)….the low low…not even $100 bucks total spent. :mrgreen:

Celisea

June 25th, 2012
10:02 am

Why are my comments awaiting moderation :evil: Diva?

Celisea

June 25th, 2012
10:04 am

abc

June 25th, 2012
10:19 am

Now, I would have thought that such a juvenile question would have been answered by the time you were out of high school; but then, upon reading the few posts so far today, I see that people are relatively clueless about something so simple.

Lust is physical. Love is emotional and spiritual. If that still seems mysterious, give up, it’s not worth pondering.

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
10:29 am

abc – I think that’s why there aren’t very many comments with regard to the topic.

Celisea

June 25th, 2012
10:32 am

Now now abc…lol I agree. Even so and still what do you suggest? I took matters into my own hands and moved right on to any ole thing :) :)

megan

June 25th, 2012
10:35 am

you just need to care what you need then how long that;s it discreet mix

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
10:42 am

megan – Um….huh?

DreamsMaterialize

June 25th, 2012
10:47 am

Morning
I think most people clearly know the difference between lust and love. We just use lust and emotion to rationalize to ourselves that it’s love because we want it to be.

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
10:47 am

“You meet someone so great, you just want to rip their clothes off every time you see them” – Hot Damn, that’s what I’m looking for (lol).

“That’s lust. Not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely NOT love.” – But it is love when when you still feel the same way years later. Again, that’s what I’m looking for.

Good morning, fine people!

abc

June 25th, 2012
10:48 am

Ahem, pardon my bluntness, no intention to diss anybody.

Yo mama so fat when she backs up she beeps.

There, that’s better.

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
10:56 am

Since we seem to be free balling it now, did anyone catch the Abraham Lincoln vampire movie this weekend? Wanted to know if it was any good…

Celisea

June 25th, 2012
11:03 am

abc – There, that’s better.

Yeah, only cause you’re mama so fat when she was arrested at the airport they found ten pounds of crack :mrgreen:

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
11:11 am

Hey yall check out this article on the ajc about pheremone parties…um…Ewww or not to ewwww?

http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/singles-try-to-sniff-1463208.html

disco

June 25th, 2012
11:18 am

celisea/abc – I knew someone whose momma was so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

abc

June 25th, 2012
11:26 am

Re: the pheromone thing: I think it’s legit, if a bit gross. Studies have shown that smell is a good indication of complimentary chemistry — the chemistry thing it literally for real.

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
11:31 am

threw back her head and laughed after trying a handful of bags that reeked of sweat, coffee and even weed That is what I’d be afraid of

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
11:33 am

Now that I’ve read the entire topic, Have you ever confused lust with love? What did you learn, in hindsight, and did it help you for the next time? Here’s a true story:

Yes, I have, and it almost cost me. Feel in deep lust with my neighbor’s brother. Man, the sex was off the chain and I was butter in his hands. A year or so into our sexual liasion, he moved back to Tennessee. I found myself sitting on my stoop in misery. I missed him so. After 2 months of him being gone (we spoke every day), we both decided he would move back and live with me. I drove to Tennessee to get my man (lol). Boy o boy, what a freaking mistake. First month was fantastic. However, I quickly noticed his controlling side. I became uncomfortable in my own apartment. Once I realized that, I knew I had to get him out of my system and my life. Everything came to a head when one morning over breakfast he told me that where ever I had to go that day he would be going with me. HUH?? I told him all I had to do was get something for dinner and some gas. He said he would do the driving and I wasn’t to talk to anybody. The hair stood up on the nape of my neck. My mind is reeling wondering how am I to get out of this isht.

I took a shower and locked the door. Told him I wanted to shower alone and all hell broke loose. He broke the door down and pulled me out. (I’m pinching my eyes just reliving this to fight back tears). Anyway, a slippery scuffle ensued. He finally relented when a neighbor knocked on the door. I quickly dressed and started plotting how the hell to get out that apartment safely. He picked up my fish tank and tried to throw it on me. One thing I am is quick, I bobbed and weaved so fast that none of the water got on me, but my poor silver dollar fish were dying on the living room floor. My phone rang, but he wouldn’t let me answer it. Only had one phone in the kitchen. Throughout all the chaos, I was so thankful when he had to use the bathroom. The phone rang again and I ran to it and whispered these words to WHOEVER was on the other end “call the police” and hung up.

He came out of bathroom and slapped me! I slapped him back, but you would have thought I shot him. I was scared, but I was also indignant that this man who professed to loving me would now basically hold me hostage. That hard knock at the door came in the knick of time. POLICE!! I opened the door and pointed and quickly stepped outside. The person I whispered to on the other end was just driving up (one of the gf’s I came to Georgia with). After getting both sides of the story, the police made him leave. No, I didn’t press charges, I just wanted him gone! They stayed while he packed his little belongings. After he left I was never so fearful in my entire life because I didn’t press charges. I went to my bedroom and soon realized he took parts of my favorite outfits with him. Left the skirt, but took the jacket, left the right shoe, but took the left…stuff like that. After about an 3 hrs, I went outside and found all four tires flat. I can only surmise he came back to do that. I did not sleep at my apartment for a week. I looked over my shoulder for months. Even hallucinated that I saw him at a few bus stops and grocery stores. Time went by and I started feeling comfortable within my own skin.

So, can “lust” be confused with “love” the answer is YES (for me). I was blinded by the swerve of our hips together. Young and dumb. I think I was 23, 24 at the time. What have I learned = look at the whole picture when your life is about to be turned around and get to know the person before moving him into your place!

I apologize in advance if this is very long.

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
11:34 am

OMG! I running to the station to pay my post fine…..good grief!

disco

June 25th, 2012
11:38 am

leggs – I too laughed when you said you drove to Tennessee to get your man. that there is one heck of a tale. dude was straight up off his rocker. bright side – your friend knew you well enough to know to do as you asked rather than trying to call back and figure it out or assuming you were joking. are the two of you still friends?

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

June 25th, 2012
11:49 am

Wow…Leggs, that’s one crazy story, what were you giving him that had him acting like that…winkwink

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
11:54 am

disco ~ yep, we’re still friends…went to h.s. together!

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
12:00 pm

Leggs – Well dayum…just dayum! :shock:

GracieL

June 25th, 2012
12:00 pm

It IS hard to tell the difference! As such, I avoid both now. (If the sex is good, I think I’m in love. If it’s bad, then… what’s the point?) Sure, my life is boring and empty, but my heart is not in tiny little pieces on the floor, either. Got tired of trying to glue it back together, so I put in in a protective case in a trunk with the other family keepsakes.

disco

June 25th, 2012
12:01 pm

leggs – I figured you two were still friends. I met a guy my last trip to Tennessee. your story has me wondering if I should just delete his number. ESPECIALLY since he said he lived in Atlanta for a little while. mind if I ask you for dude’s initials? lol. (joking but serious too).

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
12:02 pm

I felt like I was reading a scene from Sleeping with the Enemy or something. Thank goodness you got away without it being in a body bag. Dude is looney tunes

GracieL

June 25th, 2012
12:03 pm

Leggs,

Glad you made it out! Geez. You’re right, that’s not love or anything close to it.

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
12:08 pm

SP

May be the underlying reason behind me not liking skinny men (lol).

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
12:18 pm

PSA: Skinny men are bat ass crazy… approach with caution….lol

disco

June 25th, 2012
12:20 pm

slim/leggs – I never really thought of skinny men as an issue in general though I’ve long held that the petite men (short/slight) tend to be much more drama than their larger counterparts. don’t know if it’s the whole napoleon thing or what but little men can be a trip.

leggs – thanks. initials don’t match. guess I don’t have to delete old boy’s number just yet.

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
12:52 pm

disco – I was just being funny but I do think the vertically challenged men tend to have a chip on their shoulder. Shawt man complex

Leggs

June 25th, 2012
1:29 pm

Seems like this machine needs some oil….it’s a ghost town.

O/T ~ I talked the other day about chocolate and strawberry wings. Went to Mingles Saturday and had mango bbq wings…they were delicious.

Single and Happy

June 25th, 2012
1:30 pm

Hmm and where do we get that chip from?

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
1:32 pm

Leggs – You’re eating la vida loca lol I’m not a fan of mango so I’d have to pass on those wings…strawberry? maybe

abc

June 25th, 2012
1:34 pm

Short guys have issues? She points at his smallness and asks “who do you think you’re going to please with THAT little thing?” He says, “ME!”

Mr. Unknown

June 25th, 2012
1:40 pm

What up guys?
Lust consist of not wanting anything beyond the physical. If I can’t remember a normal conversation but I can recall every conversation when sex is referenced that is lust to me.

Chocolate wings? Not sure how well that goes together. Try it and let us know. I want some lemon pepper wings right now.

SlimUno

June 25th, 2012
1:43 pm

abc – I see you’re hanging on the light, free, funny side today. I trust everything is going well ;-)

Mr U – Lemon pepper wings and a freeze cup lol