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Relationships: Almost doesn’t count?

Single people catch a lot of flack about being too picky, having loads of items on their dating checklists, and being a little unreasonable about who would be a good match for us. Is it really mandatory to have all that in one person to make us happy with who we pick?

Often, I am inclined to agree that we focus too much on perfect matching, and less on authentic compatibility. How close do we need to be to get the most important things we want in a mate?

If we think we want a certain type of person, does it count if you meet someone with 80% of what you think is ideal?

If you rank the top traits of an ideal mate, what do you do when you meet someone with most, but not all of those traits? Do you hold out for the 100 %? Is it foolish to believe that the person actually exists?

When it comes to being with the someone you can build and share a life with, what is the one thing you believe could seal the deal for you? Is the one thing something you would keep waiting for if you are not finding it anywhere?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

172 comments Add your comment

Randyt (ready to see the UK behind the wing tomorrow!!!)

June 19th, 2012
5:58 am

I’m always amazed when I read a profile on Match.com with a long laundry list of what they want in a mate. I wish them luck but would bet that i would see the same ones two years from now, with an even longer list.

Not that difficult for me…1) easy on the eyes, 2) intelligent, 3) has a genuine heart and not totally self absorbed , 4) am comfortable with but always waiting for the next interesting twist, and 5) when I am away from her, I am looking forward to being with her as soon as possible.

Randyt (ready to see the UK behind the wing tomorrow!!!)

June 19th, 2012
5:59 am

Dayum Exiled, you are up early today.

Randyt (ready to see the UK behind the wing tomorrow!!!)

June 19th, 2012
6:09 am

…and the most important requirement for actually connecting is (drum roll please) —- NOT EXPECTING MORE FROM YOUR SOULMATE THAN YOU EXPECT FROM YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! You want a hottie, become a hottie, you want a PHD, become a PHD, you want a successful, financially stable mate, then become a successful, financially stable individual.

DreamsMaterialize

June 19th, 2012
6:22 am

Damn you guys are early. I think a person should go after whatever it is they want in a person. I ‘ll never try to convince any woman that I’m what she needs. If she feels she can do better, then by all means, go for what you know. I don’t want to be the dude you resent later on because I was only 80% of what you wanted.

Randyt (ready to see the UK behind the wing tomorrow!!!)

June 19th, 2012
7:04 am

YUP DM…always full disclosure and not try to sell yourself. Better to have those New Balances laced up early than late!!!

Randyt (ready to see the UK behind the wing tomorrow!!!)

June 19th, 2012
7:05 am

Oh and the answer to most questions is in the mirror, not in infomercials.

Single and Happy

June 19th, 2012
7:30 am

Dang exile, why don’t you tell us what you really feel!! (LOL)

Maybe that’s my problem, I need to make a check list (not!!) If I’m attracted I get to know them and decide from there.

Nayla

June 19th, 2012
7:47 am

@Exiled: R U including the single blog men as having not graduated? I noticed u only mentioned the ladies. Didn’t someone just say a few days ago how u r guilty of being sexist? There r single men here.

I usually just read and not comment. Only once did I say something, that was 4 the dumb girl that only make dumb remarks. She made a weiner analogy. lol

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
7:56 am

Ex playing hard ball.

Being picky is not all bad but be real a 100% match is in your head and may distract you from genuine people. Ultimately you can find yourself with nothing on your list to pick from and don’t forget being picky somebody has to choose you.

MissMoni

June 19th, 2012
8:11 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning All! :-)

When it comes to being with the someone you can build and share a life with, what is the one thing you believe could seal the deal for you? FAITHFULNESS

Is the one thing something you would keep waiting for if you are not finding it anywhere? Most definitely!!!

Tracy

June 19th, 2012
8:12 am

Being picky is a priviledge. As long as you’re single, you’re well within your rights to take a pass on someone not working for you. Wouldn’t you much rather be single than to be the many unhappy married couples? It took me a long time to find my girl but it was well worth the wait. I would guess she’s about 90% of what I want in a wife.

MissMoni

June 19th, 2012
8:15 am

@Single and Happy: My sentiments exactly. There’s something about that initial attraction, if it’s NOT there then typically I won’t even spend my time trying to get to know the guy.

MissMoni

June 19th, 2012
8:17 am

@DM: Ditto on your 6:22! BTW, it’s only 8:20ish and I feel like I’m playing catch up. I see the EARLY BIRDS are wide AWAKE today! :-)

Mike

June 19th, 2012
8:41 am

Just settle on the right choice. You are the one that’s going to live with it.

disco

June 19th, 2012
9:07 am

good morning. I’ve had this list discussion countless times and have discovered some folks are totally for it and others are totally against it. me, I think a list has merit. if nothing else being able to list what you want confirms that you at least know what you want. in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that and I actually appreciate a person who knows what they want and who will put the work in to get it. personally, I’m very self aware. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, what’s wrong with me, what’s right with me. I know what areas I probably need to work on but probably won’t (lol).

exiled – it’s much too early for you to be shooting us down for not having graduated. some of us aren’t even in school and others are studying very hard.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 19th, 2012
9:09 am

Oooh, “like” is a helluva thing.

“Like” gets you through the mundane, the petty, and the serious. Remembering that I (you) enjoy this person’s company means a lot.

lolalee

June 19th, 2012
9:18 am

I don’t really have a list, but there are a few must haves:
1. Bright
2. Accomplished
3. Kindhearted
4. Good character
5. Educated
I’m bringing all that to the table, too, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Thirdwheelsingle

June 19th, 2012
9:25 am

Good Morning Yall!!! I threw out my list a while back. I’m getting older so I can’t be too picky. I have two guys that I really like but, they are not feeling me because I am not “ghetto” enough… I kid you not….. I guess my college degree and life accomplishments mean diddy…. These guys are clean cut good guys but they are thug life at home… I guess it’s back to white and hispanic guys….

czBrat

June 19th, 2012
9:26 am

When it comes to being with the someone you can build and share a life with, what is the one thing you believe could seal the deal for you? honesty.
Is the one thing something you would keep waiting for if you are not finding it anywhere?
yes. i can find anyone willing to lie to me in order to lay with me. i’ll hold out for honesty.

*handclaps for me-lo*
way to go, early bird!

great reads so far, gentleblogmen.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
9:32 am

lolalee

Good for you, for bringing to the table the same things you hope to have in a mate. It’s not much to ask when one side meets the other side equally.

disco

June 19th, 2012
9:32 am

for the most part I meet the standards that are on my list. one exception – it’s not in the “deal breaker” column but it’s on the list just the same. I don’t really care for short men and since I’m short I guess I could be called out for that. a lot of people think because I’m short that short men should be perfectly acceptable but I beg to differ. would I completely discount a man because he was short? not necessarily, but as previously stated he’d definitely have to make up for it by meeting other criteria.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
9:46 am

I’m not a fool nothing is ever equal in relationships. There are times when more is expected from the man and times more from a women. Clearly having a lists can be helpful in any endeavor, but to outright dis folks with a list is like a Nazi superiority sect. Well we know what happened to that list.

Single and Happy

June 19th, 2012
9:47 am

We’re not short, we’re vertically challenged!! (LOL)

Leggs

June 19th, 2012
9:49 am

Morning.

Honesty, respect and empathy is top of the list. Easy on the eyes and a nice mind follows, not necessarily in that order. Not sure if someone can meet all 100% of what a person is looking for, but you probably can come extremely close. I can’t ask for more than I can offer.

Nayla, welcome to Blogsville.

disco

June 19th, 2012
9:57 am

single and happy – spoken like a short person. lol. also, only short people say things like I’m 5’6” and one half inch.

leggs – my friends clown me because I admit to having a higher tolerance for ugly. I’d take ugly on a good body over cute on a jacked up body any day. tall and ugly over short and cute. ugly and smart over cute and dumb. you see where I’m going with this. some of my friends are really caught up on looks. me, not so much. I’m a lot more shallow when it comes to body types. I be checking for those “prison cut pounds” someone on here mentioned once. little, slightly built men don’t do much for me.

abc

June 19th, 2012
10:01 am

Listing required traits and characteristics is pretty stupid. It either works, or it doesn’t; it’s either on or off, black or white. If it’s grey, or some attenuated version of on, give it up. That doesn’t apply to whether it’s 100% or not — that simply doesn’t matter. Most people don’t really know what they want until they find it.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
10:01 am

Leggs I’ve been waiting on those words from a lady, honesty, respect, and empathy for people in general. It takes a knowledgeable woman (mature) to put these words in the same sentence.

disco

June 19th, 2012
10:10 am

BF / leggs – but that’s the “mature” list. honesty, respect and empathy are all inner traits. I’m sure they could be paired with some outer traits that a person just can’t get with. okay. sorry. I’m being silly and contrary.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 19th, 2012
10:18 am

Empathy is an irrelevant characteristic.

Concern for your partner’s (or others) well being is all one can (should) ask for.

As for “a list”, I’m with abc, though with an addendum; most people don’t know what they want until they don’t have it anymore.

Ms5

June 19th, 2012
10:21 am

As a single woman, I do have a short list. There a things that I would not comprimise on. The most important thing to me is “I have my sh** together, I expect the same of my potential mate”

Celisea

June 19th, 2012
10:22 am

I’m going to agree with abc, a list? Really?
A bunch of “what you must have or bring”, IMO it comes off as judgemental. Everybody wants what they want and like what they like. Even so and still…live by the same standard you carry. That’ll give you a clean wash…lol

I like what Dreams said, trying to convince folks will have you running yourself ragged. And even if I meet every mark on your list, just for having one…go ahead and miss me with that.

Morning

SlimUno

June 19th, 2012
10:27 am

Good morning folks!

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
10:28 am

Morning All!! Working hard today!!

I gotta catch up, but just let me settle a little something with Exiled:

Foolish checklists are the reason why nobody in your MIA class has graduated Diva..well except Kimmie!

I DID NOT have a checklist!!LOL!! Never have I had one!!! Like any normal, free person, I had things in my head that I would like to have in a mate, and some non-negotiables(no smokers, druggies, ex-cons or radically different religious beliefs). I mean, come on, I do have standards! The thing is, people seem to think if a woman has reached a certain age she should accept any ole thing that comes along and be glad someone paid attention to you! Sorry, I waited awhile for the one I wanted and LOVE and was prepared to go it alone if need be!! Like I said yesterday to 4 Real, happiness and peace-of-mind are key for me. Miserable, but able to say “I got a man” just never cut it with me!! I didn’t need perfect, just the perfect one for ME!! Believe me, plenty of women have said to my face they could not have dealt with my situation. Fine. They aren’t the ones that are in the situation, are they??

Now let me catch up!!

Oh, and on topic – If you really are expecting the perfect one to come along, the one that meets everything on your “checklist” you need therapy!

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
10:37 am

Dan – I’m always with you on the “like” requirement!! Actually liking your mate will get you thru alot and make the not-so-sweet days much more bearable!!!

disco

June 19th, 2012
10:38 am

hey kimmie. here I go again, not trying to be my general contrary self. in my opinion, while you say you didn’t have a checklist the argument could be made that the standards/non-negotiables that you required were essentially your list (or would have been on your list had you decided to have one). do I literally have a list written down on paper someplace that I use to size guys up? no. do I recognize the qualities that I prefer? yep. do I know which qualities I’m unwilling to compromise on? yep.

Martha

June 19th, 2012
10:40 am

While I do use the 80% concideration for my list, one thing that is very important to me probably because I’m about 10 years from retirement, is a retirement plan. I have a retirement plan and would like a decent quality of life in retirement. Retirement plans are made for one person. Would like someone to compliment my retirement plans along with the other typical traits. Retirement is not an option.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 19th, 2012
10:44 am

@Hey Kimmie – hope all is well.

Yeah, that like is a muthasucka. Anybody that has a checklist that only include physical and ‘meta’ characteristics are really missing the point. Education, accomplishments, goals, dreams, finances, etc don’t matter when you’re not 100 percent comfortable with a person.

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
10:50 am

disco – I recognize that someone might call the qualities I noted a list and they can all day if they want. A “foolish checklist” of pie-in-the-sky requirements that kept my dating pool low or non-existent, they are not though. Anyone that knows me knows I can’t stand smoking. My dad was a chain-smoker, along with his siblings and others of his generation. I never want to have to live in a home with a smoker again and see another loved one go thru lung cancer or emphasema again. I mean that with every fiber of my being. Exiled said if I didn’t meet anyone by a certain age and a nice, clean-cut together guy came up but smoked, I would take him. He stood by what he said. I stood by what I said. My experience is my own and I know what’s in my heart. Non-negotiable, smoking is to me!

But one thing I’ve always said is that people have a right to want what they want!! Right now, if someone came on and said they only wanted to date dudes that were 6 ft, had hazel eyes, graduated from Harvard and made 6 figures, we all know that narrows her dating pool considerably. But who am I to judge? I’m sure she knows her dates are few & far between, so who am I or anyone else to tell her not to go for what she wants? It’s her life, not mine!!

disco

June 19th, 2012
10:55 am

you hear folks say all the time that the older you get the less picky you’ll become. personally I don’t buy into that one. I think the older you get the more you learn about yourself and what works for you. if you are strong enough to be willing to have all or nothing then you don’t have to worry about the “settle syndrome”. my mother’s been visiting for 3 weeks now. I’m starting to wonder if I should put “willing to live separately” on my list. lol.

Single and Happy

June 19th, 2012
10:59 am

Disco, I’m 5′5 and a half inches so there (LMAO)

SlimUno

June 19th, 2012
11:00 am

When yall start to get off topic, please tell me if yall saw the Love and Hip Hop Atlanta show. :shock:

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
11:01 am

disco – I’m inclined to agree with you. You know you better and what you can deal with.

For some reason, I can’t stand the “set in your ways” term! It makes it sound like you’ve got one foot on a banana peel and the other in a grave! But, while you might not be as picky about superficial things, you are less willing to put up with bs too, I think. I also think that’s why some older dudes go for much younger women. She’ll be more likely to put up with his bs and he can “mold” her into what he wants! Just my personal theory, knowing that might get some drawers in a bunch!LOL!!!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 19th, 2012
11:04 am

@Disco

Let’s not confuse ’strong’ with ’stubborn’. [Note: this is not a comment on/towards you personally.]

But if a person ‘holds out’ in life for 100 percent of what they want – not accepting the 80 – 90 percent option – then that person is stubborn and prideful.

The wise man knows that he doesn’t know everything, just as the wise person should know you can’t be everything to everyone (or require that from anyone else). But hey, let it be what it T.I.is

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
11:07 am

disco I’m good with you stating the list is in the mind, I really can’t see anybody grabbing pencil and paper to write down subject by subject. If it works and it very well may for people that does it I wont judge because it doesn’t bother me. If that make some people become a better person then they should by all means continue. Had enough of your mom already huh…..LOL

czBrat

June 19th, 2012
11:15 am

@ slim, yes. i did. and just :shock:
seriously, who the he!! are these people???

dan, i’ve told s/o there are times that my “liking” him so much makse it possible for me to continue loving him. w/o that “like”, that dude could really rub me the wrong way (at times!) :lol:

and along with “you don’t know what you want til it’s gone”, i have learned you don’t know how critical some characteristics are to a successful relationship until you find and experience them.
dude doesn’t necessarily have to add to my happy, but he absolutely CANNOT take away from it! that’s a must on my “list”.

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
11:16 am

I really can’t see anybody grabbing pencil and paper to write down subject by subject

Blackfoote – I can’t see that either and never have. And even if they did, would you actually pull it out on dates and show it? And check off each item? Really? :shock: I mean, I can see people having them for purposes of discussion, like on the blog. Like disco said, most folks have in their mind what they want and don’t want. I don’t see what the big deal is. If there is something that is truly keeping you from finding a suitable mate, I doubt very seriously if some checklist,mental or physical, is truly what’s holding you back! Not the list itself, but what’s staring back in the mirror. Or circumstances. Maybe you’re not getting out alot and meeting people, maybe your work schedule is getting in the way. Maybe you just have an anti-social personality, maybe you’re a jerk or a beyotch! Fat and sloppy and smelly! Not a list!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 19th, 2012
11:24 am

LOL……@Kimmie

“maybe you’re a jerk or a beyotch! Fat and sloppy and smelly!”
Sometimes I wonder how this fails to get added onto their list about themselves.

disco

June 19th, 2012
11:27 am

dan – no offense taken. I own being both strong and stubborn. I accept that in dating there will have to be some shorts. I’m just not trying to be the one taking all the shorts.

BF – this is the first time in more than 20 years that I have been in my mother’s presence every single day for this amount of time. I do not deny that she’s wearing me down.

kimmie – I know a jerk that’s married to a beeyotch. lol. I often joke that I don’t know which one of them got the short end of the stick in the marriage.

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
11:28 am

Blackfoote – Oh, you’ll never see that!!LOL!!

kimmie

June 19th, 2012
11:32 am

I know a jerk that’s married to a beeyotch

disco – It’s somebody for everybody out there!LOL!! The thing is, I see so-called unmarriables, undesirables, married or bood up every day. These traits that are supposed to be undesirable are only a problem if you aren’t coupled-up!