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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Creepy friend or girlfriend test?

Hello everyone! You are all becoming the go to crew for dating advice, apparently. I have received a few emails asking for your opinion. So here is a dilemma with which I am happy to say that I have no experience. Weigh in and give your best advice and share your experiences:

One of our readers has been seeing a guy who is pretty close to his boys. They are all like brothers, having grown up on the same block and are basically best friends. One of the friends made a play for her. A real, in your face, no ambiguity at all – kind of play. He sought her out at her gym, struck up a conversation, and basically said some wildly inappropriate things about her body. Then he asked for her phone number.

She thinks that her man has friends that are protective of him and want to test her character. A girlfriend test if you will..to see how she would handle the situation. Obviously she turned him down flat, but she wonders if she should bring it up to her guy.

If it turns out that it was indeed a girlfriend test – sanctioned by her guy, should she be offended? If it is not a test, should she tell her guy about his friend’s behavior? Should you avoid this particular friend or try to address it since they will have to all be around one another?

I am curious, do men test their women like this often? Are there certain situations that men want to know how you will handle to see what kind of woman you are when he is not around?

What would you do if you found out someone you are dating had been conducting little “character tests” on you?

130 comments Add your comment

Lily

June 7th, 2012
6:52 am

Oh my, my first thought before I finished reading the entire post was….”it’s a set up” If it was me, honestly I might be offended. Depending upon how much I liked him would determine which way is go. If I wanted it to work and knowing I’m getting tested, I would severely “check him”, let him know just how much I don’t appreciate his approach, tell him I’m telling (lol), and tell my potential new guy exactly what happened…..as if I was oblivious to the entire situation. Now, if I was totally offended…too offended to move forward, I would KIM.

I don’t really get this test. It has a hint of game playing stamped on it. From that perspective I don’t really think it’s fair to her. Why can’t they both go in, equally taking a chance on one another? From that perspective I would be offended.

Single and Happy

June 7th, 2012
7:27 am

no MEN don’t test their girlfriends like that, little boys do, that’s just playing games! As far as being around him, if she doesn’t feel comfortable she doesn’t have to be around him, that’s his friend not hers. And when the situation comes up and he ask why, tell him. If that happened to me as a man, it would be the first red flag that’s it’s time to move on to the next one.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
8:07 am

Guys don’t do that isht (men or boys), there’s a code.

Cats like that get ‘x’ out of the crew for dirty d!@king plain.and.simple.

I had a friend that tried my cut buddy, and failed. Where he lost was she told me before him (like literally hours). I respected the fact that he told me, but I still gave him the bidness about the issue…and laughed.

Dudes that do this kinda stuff – and there are (they’re just not ‘friends’) – are lame to deaf. And stay getting lamed about it.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
8:08 am

If it turns out ole boy knew, she should walk away with the knowledge of dodging a bullet.

Morning

Celisea....blogging from my bedside :)

June 7th, 2012
8:22 am

Shenanigans I tell ya!

I’m watching GMA and there’s a dude that’s lost 200 pounds and looking fantab! He even lost enough to have the surgery for removing that excess skin. His fiance wasn’t supportive during his transition so he left her. I bet she’s kicking herself now. He’s 50 and looking hot and has a new fiance :) Goooo Tony!!

Okay, I’m a bit delirious…haven’t had coffee yet…lol

Morning folks!

Celisea....blogging from my bedside :)

June 7th, 2012
8:24 am

He lost the weight through Extreme Makever Weight Loss Edition

I think the chick in today’s topic should move it along. I can see a bunch of “boys” playing this sort of game. A man ready to make a move does it alone and is willing to take chances in learning about his woman.

Shenanigans (again) I tell ya!

SlimUno

June 7th, 2012
8:24 am

Good morning all,

I don’t see how she would ever know it was a mutual setup between the potential bf and his buddy unless he actually is stupid enough to admit it. I’ve had a friend of someone I was dating try me but I checked his ass and kept it moving. I didn’t feel a need to go back and tell the guy anything. Now had buddy tried me again, then I would’ve made mention to the guy about it.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 7th, 2012
8:28 am

I have friends and none of them have permission to check my girl for me. Lacking confidence to handle your situation independently is a sign of weakness. Gamers should leave dating to men that are secure. I’ve read a dude use the phrase my boys on this blog, and I thought of days in high school and there’s where that mentality lies.

Good Morning:

Celisea....blogging from my bedside :)

June 7th, 2012
8:28 am

If a dude approached me that was a friend of my new boyfriend, that would DEFINITELY throw up red flags. My first thought would be this has gotta be a setup. What friend of a boyfriend is that crass? Loose lips sanks ships….I’d be bumping my gums and getting my stuff to go…lol

Celisea....blogging from my bedside :)

June 7th, 2012
8:33 am

If any of you have a LinkedIn profile CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD. That network has been compromised by hackers. I heard on the local news this morning and then GMA. CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS ASAP!!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

June 7th, 2012
8:37 am

Cely it must be nice to be in your shoes today.

disco

June 7th, 2012
8:47 am

good morning. since you all have already determined that the guys are playing games I’ll talk about the dingbat chick who really feels she needs advice for this situation. really? dude who hollered would have been told to get up out of my face with that foolishness. the so called soon to be ex-boyfriend would have been told to check his friends. ALL OF THEM. every single one of them because I would not have a repeat of those busters all up in my face.

Elijah

June 7th, 2012
8:51 am

Good Morning!

That sista needs to express to the guy she is dating about what happened. If he states it was a set-up time to K.I.M. that is immaturity at its highest level. Both men and women need to tell the SO if this happen. No true friend would do this.

Celis, celis,Celis ummm ummm good!

SlimUno

June 7th, 2012
8:53 am

To me, that is just trifling trying to holla at someone one of your GOOD FRIENDS are already talking to. Are there no boundaries?

disco

June 7th, 2012
9:03 am

I don’t know if any of you ever read makes me wanna holler by nate mccall but in the book (which is essentially a memoir) he writes how he and his friends consistently ran trains on neighborhood girls during their teen years. I’m sure it’s a stretch on my part but if this group of guys goes back that far there is a chance that they’ve passed around a chick or two or three in their day. who knows? maybe this woman has some kind of history and dude was trying to see if she’s been truly reformed. or, here’s another theory – maybe boyfriend isn’t feeling her but he’s one of those types who doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” and break up with her. it’s a ploy to get her to break up with him.

Robert

June 7th, 2012
9:04 am

“They are all like brothers, having grown up on the same block and are basically best friends.”

Robert Rules of Dating – Top 10

Never let your friends -

1. Talk to your woman alone.
2. Come over your house when you are not home.
3. Have your woman’s phone number.
4. Contact your woman on facebook.
5. Dance with your woman at a party/club.
6. Spend the night at your house.
7. Go to Church with your woman.
8. Go to the Mall with your woman.
9. Go to the movies with your woman.
10. Do not bring your woman around me. Your friend.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
9:10 am

What?

Never let your friend talk to your woman alone? What?The?H3ll?

Dude, you might as well put her in chains (2CHAAAAIINNNZZZ) in the basement bruh.

Fact is, if you’re lucky, your woman gets hit on at least 3 times a day. If you can’t trust her, you don’t need her.

disco

June 7th, 2012
9:15 am

dan – re if you can’t trust her you don’t need her. and the same thing goes for your friends. personally, I think you should want your mate and friends to like one another and get along well. I know too many people who feel torn when friends/family don’t like or get along with their significant other. granted whether or not they like your SO shouldn’t make or break the relationship but it helps if everyone is at least amicable.

Elijah

June 7th, 2012
9:18 am

We have to be careful with putting added meaning/definitions to words use to describe a friendship. Some people are just part of the crew, out of that crew one or two of those friends will be your best friends.

That is why I do not understand Fraternities and Sororities. If you pledge to be part of that group should you not have the respect to not hit-on you frat or soro mate?

@Disco I read that book, that is always a possbility, someone may have heard something about the lady.
This situation reeks of dude just may want to get out of the relationship.

SlimUno

June 7th, 2012
9:19 am

I agree, that list is a bit much. I mean, would she not even be able to talk to male neighbors in passing either, the mail man, buggy boy, male store manager, have female doctors only, none of the fathers of your kids’ friends?!!

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
9:33 am

Good morning. I have my energy back….woo hoo!

Having read comments yet, I say she should tell him IMMEDIATELY. Test or no test, certain things a woman can nip in the bud on her own and certain things she needs to let her man know. He approaching her and saying inappropriate things about her body and asking for her phone number should be told to her man. He has disrespected her, his boy and has shown he don’t mind back dooring a supposedly good friend.

lolalee

June 7th, 2012
9:34 am

Robert man you got issues. Hyper controlling are you? Want to put a gag on your woman so she doesn’t talk to anybody? Seriously? I’d run from you in a minute. Clearly you don’t trust your woman if you feel the need to lock her down. Controlling Azz Mutha.

lolalee

June 7th, 2012
9:35 am

Leggs i’m with you. I’d speak right up and let him know that’s no friend of his. If he keeps that dude around, then I know what I need to know about him and I’m out.

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
9:40 am

Celisea ~ the guy who lost 200 lbs story was featured on Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss this past Sunday. His then fiance was lazy, and basically tried to sabotage his weight loss regime because it took time away that he would have spent with her. The trainer even came into their home and remodeled it with equipment to assist in both their workouts. She whined and whined. She made herself look really bad on national tv. The guy moved out and the trainer had to remove all he put in their home. Tony (I think is his name) wound up homeless and living out of his car in the parking lot of the gym where he worked out. During him being homeless, he met a new woman. She supported him and he stayed on his grind. Now, he’s on GMA with his story, his new woman and Leslie, the other woman, is sitting at hown biting herself!!! Good for her.

Back to regularly scheduled topic.

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
9:43 am

Also, he proposed to his new girlfriend during the show. You may know, but his weightloss was 365 days in the making. He ended one relationship, started another, lost weight and is now getting married!

i'm swiss

June 7th, 2012
9:54 am

Morning folks.

I’m with Leggs. She should definitely tell the boyfriend. I’d want to know if I were him, that’s for d@mn sure. And if it turns out it was a test, then he’s a punk.

Celisea

June 7th, 2012
9:55 am

Blackfoote – I’m just chilling….headed out for a minute :)

Leggs – That story was really refreshing. Thats what the old gf gets…ha!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
9:56 am

Here’s the thing though about telling the ‘boyfriend’, she should just make it a fact based statement (what was said, when, where and her response).

Telling him in an accusatory fashion (’is this some kinda game you and yo folks play’) will.not.end.well.

i'm swiss

June 7th, 2012
10:01 am

Dan — Good point. That should go without saying, but you never know… lol

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
10:02 am

Dan, will admit that is the key. A grown woman wouldn’t say it in an accusatory tone. No need for HER to incite discord and influence his reaction. All she need to do is recount how it occurred and leave it to him handle. If he shrugs it off, there’s now another issue at hand.

Roberta Higginbotham

June 7th, 2012
10:03 am

It takes a peculiar kind of insecurity for one to “test” a relationship by doing something like this. Yes, the girl should tell the guy what happened without asking him if he set it up, and see what his reaction is. At the very least, one of the following should result:

- If he did set it up, try to determine the root cause of his insecurity. His behavior could portend future behavior, which could make for an unstable, or even dangerous, relationship.

- If he didn’t set it up, he needs to realize that his friend who made the come-on isn’t a friend, and is a person with no personal boundaries who has little or no respect for others.

czBrat

June 7th, 2012
10:04 am

I’d speak right up and let him know that’s no friend of his. If he keeps that dude around, then I know what I need to know about him and I’m out.
well, that sums it up nicely for me.

HiYas! MissYas :sad:
increased work load is making me rethink my career path.
but that’s just the brat in me talking.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
10:06 am

She’en got nothing to do with the other end of that.

That’s entirely on him – state the facts, and watch his response; no other comments necessary.

abc

June 7th, 2012
10:08 am

She should follow her own conscience no matter what she thinks about whether the approach is a coordinated setup to test her. If she has reason to believe it’s a test, she should probably bring that up with boyfriend, because it’s a pretty underhanded and control-freak kind of thing to do. She should also consider that not only would boyfriend want to know, but he’ll probably go kick some azz over it, and likely wind up in jail.

Sassy Me...Ooooh and I like it :-)

June 7th, 2012
10:11 am

Dudes like that are whack…boys play those type of games. She should tell her man what happened, blow by blow, but what I’m glad about is the fact that she shut ole boy down like a paper plane…

There are some men who may become jealous b/c on of their friends have a nice woman and they decide they want her,too…that’s not a good friend and need not be in the circle…he should be a non-muthaf@#$ing factor..

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
10:12 am

“She’en got nothing to do with the other end of that” – Who said she did??

czBrat

June 7th, 2012
10:15 am

try to determine the root cause of his insecurity
commendable, but ultimately not my prob.
fix your sh!t before you come knocking on my door.
believe me, if my sh!t ain’t right,
i have the common courtesy to not let you in.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
10:16 am

@Leggs

The person making the statement about “I’d speak right up”. Nope. That has nothing to do with her beyond that inappropriate contact.

Tiff

June 7th, 2012
10:20 am

Good topic!

I am dating a man (8 months) whose last girlfriend ended up marrying one of his friends. Needless to say he has issues. I have met his family, but not his friends. My question is how can I grow the trust? I would never do that.

Gotta go backto work, soI’m going to lurk,listen and learn.

kimmie

June 7th, 2012
10:25 am

Morning All!!

Interesting. I’m with disco in that why is this even a dilemma for the chick. But, here’s my opinion on it: Yes, agree with Leggs and Dan on this – just tell dude the facts and let him take it from there.

See, again, why is this a dilemma? I like a man to be normal and have friends, like I do. What I don’t like is dudes that have this super-tight frat mentality. Who gives a sh– if they are “best friends”? Why should that friendship be so intimidating to her that she’s nervous about letting her man know dude disrespected her and tried to push up on her? I would have checked his behind with the quickness, loudly, and probably called boyfriend on the spot right there in his presence, that’s how gangster I would have been about it. No joke.

Sassy, you are so right, a lot of dudes get jealous when a guy in their crew meets a nice woman and seems to be moving on from the frat. I’ve seen it in action with guys my brothers have dealt with and other male friends I have. A mature man is able to have a successful relationship with a woman without letting his friendship with his “boys” interfere.

As for the whole testing thing, I would dump him on the sheer stupidity that he let me find out he did it alone, much less the actual immature act of it!

kimmie

June 7th, 2012
10:30 am

Oh, and crazy Robert, reading is fundamental. The so-called “friend” actively SOUGHT her out, going to the gym she went to, practically stalking HER. Unless it was a setup, boyfriend did not “allow” dude to talk to her alone. He was in hot pursuit!

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
10:43 am

Ok, Dan, then let’s agree to disagree because you cannot tell me that if someone hit on your wife, asked for her phone number, whenever in her presence subtly throw innuendos her way you wouldn’t want to know about it.

disco

June 7th, 2012
10:43 am

ooh kimmie – speaking of hot pursuit and since the topic is kind of fading. how come I was out in Tennessee over the weekend and laid eyes on something that I decided I would regret if I went away without speaking to him. he was with a friend that was trying to talk me to death but that I kept shooting down. I sat patiently waiting on dude to say something, anything. he said nothing and eventually went away. at that point I went in to scheme mode. lol. I’ll fast forward through all of my subsequent actions and thought processes and end the story by saying that we literally sat and talked for about an hour and a half in a corner of a crowded club. I later joked that I got my “stalker” on. I would not be denied. lol.

Robert

June 7th, 2012
10:45 am

@lolalee – No ATL “Bama” can carry my jock strap. I do not need to hang around a bunch of men claiming to be my friend. I have noticed in ATL men like to hangout together (strip clubs, downlow, etc.). I was at a club last month that had plenty of lovely women. I was shocked to see most of the men standing around the walls while all the women got-up and danced by themselfs. ATL has a lot of “Bama’s” who are perpetrators dressed like fake gangsters (baseball caps, blue jeans and sneakers) in a club full of beautiful women. All clubs should have a dress code and minimum age requirement.

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
10:49 am

“ATL has a lot of “Bama’s” who are perpetrators dressed like fake gangsters ” – Funny!

kimmie

June 7th, 2012
10:59 am

disco – Go on with your bad self!! I love it!!LOL!!

baseball caps, blue jeans and sneakers – Here we go again. Sigh…….

kimmie

June 7th, 2012
11:01 am

Leggs – When was the last time you saw a gangster, fake or otherwise, dressed in a baseball cap, jeans & sneaks? A rapper maybe.

Maybe I’ve watched too many mafia movies!LOL!!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 7th, 2012
11:01 am

@leggs

If you’re referring to a ‘friend’ hitting on my wife, then all she has to do is tell me.

My response in handling it is none of her concern. She doesn’t need a comment about my ‘friend’, our ‘friendship’, or what she would do in that situation. That’s mine to deal with.

Likewise, if the roles were reversed, there’s not a lot for me to say/suggest once she has the info.

Leggs

June 7th, 2012
11:04 am

kimmie ~ I didn’t even picture the baseball caps or anything. Fake BAMA gansters always remind me of Zoot Suits….

SlimUno

June 7th, 2012
11:06 am

Oh here we go with the “Bama” talk again. Annnnnnnnnnd moving on :roll: