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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Relationships: Should you police your mate?

I was listening to Q100’s The Bert Show and they were discussing a couple’s argument: The man is not allowed to watch porn or go to strip clubs, but his wife is all into the racy novel Shades of Gray. (Apparently this book is explicit and sexy and full of naughty naughty things)

The man felt as if there was some kind of double standard at play. If he can’t enjoy adult movies or go to a strip club, why should she get a pass to read explicit content like Shades of Gray? What do you think? Is it the same thing?

I wondered how any woman can forbid or limit her partner’s access to adult movies. Isn’t that a little controlling in the context of a relationship?

Does your partner have a right to control or police your freedom to do what tickles your fancy?

Guys, what would you do if your woman asked/told/ordered you to stay away from certain explicit things? Would you comply? (For the sake of discussion, let’s assume there are no addiction issues involved.)

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

229 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 18th, 2012
7:01 am

I’ll go ahead and answer…..NO! Anything you have a problem with, you can only ask. You cannot demand. He or she is an adult. If there are things you are displeased with or cannot tolerate, whether or not to stay may be in order but mandating adults? Not likely.

single and happy

May 18th, 2012
7:11 am

My answer is, I’m a GAM (Grow A** Man) and if you bring it up again, you can get to stepping!! Just the mere thought that you’re able to tell a grown person what they should and shouldn’t not do because you don’t like it, is crazy!

Long Legs of the Law

May 18th, 2012
7:48 am

No, I don’t “police” my man, but we do enjoy using handcuffs on one another.

SlimNu - Put me back in coach

May 18th, 2012
8:24 am

Enter your comments here

SlimNu - Put me back in coach

May 18th, 2012
9:06 am

Oops, meant to say Good morning. I’m feeling much better today after being on the sick and shut in list the last few days…

On topic: I would not try to police a SO’s desire to watch adult movies or go to a strip club unless it was something done excessively that interfered or caused issues in the relationship…i.e…spending excessive amounts of money in the strip club or having the need to go several times a week as opposed to every now and then….I don’t have an issue with the dude watching movies, unless he’s actually having cyber sex, chatting or whatever with other folks. To me, everything just needs to be done in moderation.

lolalee

May 18th, 2012
9:07 am

Same answer as always: relationship require understanding and compromise. You have to find the balance that works for both people. Neither can “order” the other to do anything, but both should be self motivated to want to find middle ground that they can both live with. It doesn’t matter whether it’s cleaning the house or watching port, the same principals apply.

lolalee

May 18th, 2012
9:09 am

*porn, not port… unless one had an excessive love of boats :)

Buford T. Justice

May 18th, 2012
9:22 am

I got news for you. Women will always, ALWAYS turn from French Poodle to Pit Bull once they feel they are secure (i.e. engaged or married). Old friends are out (They are a bad influence), familiar haunts are out (we are a couple and should do couple things only), guys night out are off the list (you will get into trouble/I’ll call you every hour or call me when you leave to go somewhere else), when you get through working out/playing sports, come straight home (no dilly dallying). My first marriage was like that and, admittedly, I fell into the trap and “obeyed” (hell, I just wanted peace and quiet around the house). But once I developed a backbone (coincidentally it was about the same time I also decided I didn’t give a rat’s behind about her), she kept flying off the handle until I gave her the walking papers. From now on, any relationship that I feel that sort of thing developing, I’ll just head out that much more. I respect you and you respect me. I trust you to go out with the girls, go on weekend trips with the girls and watch whatever movie, media, etc. you want and you do the same for me. It’s called respect, trust and consideration for each other. You are my girlfriend, fiance or wife. Not my warden, law enforcement office or Mom. End of discussion.

Celisea

May 18th, 2012
9:29 am

Buford T. Justice – Thanks for the laugh this morning. I am ca-racking up…lol

(you will get into trouble/I’ll call you every hour or call me when you leave to go somewhere else

Not the “you will get into trouble…..” I needed that with my morning coffee

Elijah

May 18th, 2012
9:32 am

Good Morning All! Hope all is well everyone….. Please by all means continue with the clown jokes and skits.

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
9:43 am

Morning All!!

Nobody can “forbid” or “police” a grown a– anyone to do or not do anything!! If you have a problem with your partner doing something, you can discuss your feelings about it, try to deal with it and if you can’t, get to stepping. Those are your legitimate options. But, I think you are setting yourself and the relationship up for failure if you stress things that have not reached the point of destruction and/or addiction. I think the old “forbidden fruit” syndrome will set in and the whole thing might blow up bigger than it would have if you’d just chilled about the whole thing. A racy book, movie, strip club – I mean really, why give things like that more power than they deserve. You might find if you shrug such stuff off, all the while making sure you’re holding up your own end at home by keeping the fires burning, that other stuff may lose it’s appeal.

It’s all how you handle things. I never lose my cool. :cool:

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 18th, 2012
9:47 am

Grown men/women shouldn’t be controlled, ordered, or policed unless they are in prison.

SlimNu - Put me back in coach

May 18th, 2012
9:50 am

Daaaamn Buford, that bad huh? I’ve never been that kind of girl.

disco

May 18th, 2012
9:53 am

kimmie – I don’t know if I admire or resent those of you that manage to keep your cool. I’ve gone off because a guy ordered pizza from the wrong place. in general I don’t think you should attempt to forbid a grown person from doing anything (not to say you can’t strongly suggest that they don’t – lol.) I don’t think I’d be able to easily take the phrase “you bet not” out of my vocabulary though. I find I say that a lot.

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
10:05 am

disco – Sometimes it’s a passive-aggressive move. It drives folks that are more reactionary crazy too. I got to be a master at it when dating. There is no greater satisfaction that to see someone THINK they are playing you for a fool and THINK they have you off balance and about to go off find you just sitting back, chilling! They don’t know if it’s the calm before the storm, if you really just don’t give a da– or what!! I’m really not a lot of dudes cup of tea and I know it. I’m not predictable.

My hubs is super cool. In fact, he has me beat. Even with the kids, when they are complaining about something he’ll say “Sure hate that for ya”, “It’s nice to want things” or “It’s not open for discussion”. Never even raises his voice. They sit down and shut up!

Sometimes I think all that “cool” in one house might be a bit much. The one that just might break may be me!LOL!!

czBrat

May 18th, 2012
10:12 am

Should you police your mate?
just huh?

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
10:16 am

Good morning.

I sure thought more comments would be made by this time. Of course no grown a person needs to be policed. If so, you’re with the wrong person and someone hasn’t grown up yet.

I think his double standard stance is valid. She will not allow any form of porn from the old Forum semi-smut magazine to Playboy. 50 Shades is an explicit book on sex that appears to get one hot and bothered. She’s sitting in her corner getting moist and bothered and starts to fantasize. If she’s not taking that sexual angst out with her husband, then yeah he needs to ban her as well.

Tag

May 18th, 2012
10:28 am

It will never work. Double standards do exist. Men try and police women and they’ll have 6,836 ladies viewpoints as to how he is a total jerk and shouldn’t have the honor of being with you. Women police men and she is standing up for herself and taking a stand against any percieved boorish behavior that apparantly all men have. Surely SHE wouldn’t have any bad habits or tendancies! It just depends whether either have the backbone to draw a line in the sand and stick to your guns (also withstand the verbal onslaught) or if you just want to keep some peace in the house. Come to think of it, why is the stereotype for women to do all of the rule stating? I’m sure there are men that try to do it, but they usually wind up on Oprah for a tongue lashing. Oh well, it is what it is….

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
10:29 am

I’d go to the strip club with him! :-)

My ex seemed to think I was trying to control him. I wasn’t…I was setting bounderies for what I would and would not put with. I never forbid him from doing things, but I would get angry when he went out and ended up drinking so much that he had to sleep in his car or under a tree! He tried to say that I forbid him from doing things and I called him out and said that I NEVER said he couldn’t do things. He just couldn’t keep his drinking under control when he went out so I really didn’t want him to go without me. When he would tell people that I was trying to control his drinking and “making” him get a job, they all sided with me because they knew how he was with the drinking and he wasn’t working and I was supporting him! Anyway…it’s a moot point now because I kicked him to the curb! I can see how he thought I was trying to control him, but in reality, I was trying to get him to see the consequences to his actions.

O/T…I’m a little bummed today. My British Doctor (guess I’ll call him Dr. Brit from now on) can’t make it to Charleston next weekend. The flights are OUTRAGEOUS!!! Even flying into Atlanta is about $600! Oh well…he promised he’ll come to Atlanta soon. We can always do Charleston on a non-holiday weekend also. :-(

czBrat

May 18th, 2012
10:29 am

knee jerk reaction was that this is ridikulous, but i have to admit i actually did this. some of you may recall i’ve told how s/o’s “best” female friend was incredibly disrespectful to me the first time she and i met. i had a feeling there was some history there that no one was fessing up to.
well, after about a year together (and her behavior getting no better), i finally had to give him the “you need to stop f*cking with that chick until she learns to respect me, or you both can get the hell outta my line of sight!” routine. he opted to drop the so-called friendship.

i prayed/slept on it and told him he really is free to maintain friendships with anyone he pleases. my expectation is that if either of them is interested in something more, you voluntarily end the friendship or the relationship.

so yeah, i guess there was some momentary policing going on there, but i didn’t stick to it.
i’ve raised my kids. i’m not into making folks’ life choices for them anymore.

HiYas!

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
10:32 am

“The flights are OUTRAGEOUS!!!” Ummmm, ummmm, WOW.

abc

May 18th, 2012
10:33 am

Policing shouldn’t be necessary. They should want to voluntarily comply with each others wishes out of respect for each other and their marriage.

As far as explicit Adult materials go, they should be avoided anyway. They don’t bring positive value to anything, including trash such as that book.

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
10:36 am

I wouldn’t consider that “policing” czB. You have to protect the balance in your relationship, and if another is upsetting the equilibrium, only natural to speak on it. You gave him the facts. He had free will to form a viable solution that suited both his and your needs (lol).

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
10:42 am

I also had a situation with my ex where his best female friend disrespected me. I didn’t forbid him to be friends with her, but I sure made it difficult. She hurt me pretty bad and took 6 months to give me an “apology.” It was definitely a forced apology, laced with back handed compliments. He got to where he didn’t talk to her anymore. Once we broke up, they became close friends again. Fine with me.

Willie Dynamite

May 18th, 2012
10:46 am

Morning All,

Moderation, Respect and consideration when in a relationship. When you attempt to ban something then I think all 3 go out the window only to be replaced by excessiveness, distrust and control.

With that being said I can’t recall anything that I’m banned from doing. However, I have banned weave for the Wifey and hair beads for my girls. Hahaha

Sal

May 18th, 2012
10:47 am

Ummm…I just got in trouble last night for calling my wife a “fuddy duddy” (in a playful tone). She was telling me that I needed to be more direct with my ex as to when she was coming to town this weekend to drop off the kids. I told her that she didn’t know because she had some stuff to tend to and didn;t know when she would be able to make it to town. She called me a “push over” and said that I should be more assertive. She admits she has “controlling” tendancies (she’s VP at her company). When she gets that way with me about what I’m doing and where i’m going, I always say “Hey, you don’t see the name “insert her company name” written on my shirt!” She is a strong woman and that’s great, but needs to learn people won’t just drop their pants and stand at attention when she makes a declaration. You take the good with the bad…… By the way, I didn’t know I was in trouble until this morning when she wouldn’t speak to me…lol

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
10:48 am

@Bluz ~ please believe they never stopped being friends.

disco

May 18th, 2012
10:51 am

that’s interesting bluz. me, myself, personally – if a friend kicked me to the curb for a s/o and it didn’t work with the s/o would I welcome the return of the friendship? casual acquaintance type friend – heck no. later for them. real friend with background – it’s actually happened. I told them about themselves and we picked up right where we left off. I can’t deny though that it makes you realize what’s really up. a lot of folks have friends as placeholders until they finally get their mate.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 18th, 2012
10:51 am

Bluz sorry to hear Dr. Brit unable to see you.

Leggs I’ve heard of that book, it’s suppose to make a person hot and bothered?

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
10:53 am

Leggs…I’m sure they didn’t stop being friends. It just wasn’t in my face anymore. I look back and it says a lot about him for remaining friends with someone who disrespected me like she did and he didn’t stick up for me. I wouldn’t have had that if the shoe was on the other foot. Then again, I don’t have friends who would have been so disrespectful to my S/O. It’s one thing to share concerns, but to call bad names…heck no!!!

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
10:54 am

Leggs – I was thinking the same that they never stopped being friends!

Bluz – Hate to be negative, but watch that “flights are too expensive” excuse too. Just sayin.

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
10:55 am

disco…If a friend kicked me to the curb because of an s/o, I really don’t think I would welcome him/her back after they break up. Even if it’s an old friend. I don’t let people disrespect me.

czBrat

May 18th, 2012
10:56 am

disco, your 10:51 is exactly why leggs’ 10:48 makes perfect sense.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 18th, 2012
10:56 am

Leggs I’m not interested in reading it, just heard all the hype. Can’t remember the last time I held a book much less read one.

disco

May 18th, 2012
10:56 am

kimmie – since you went there I’ll piggy back it. I don’t buy the flights excuse/reason for the simple fact that he already gassed her up on the weekend. he should have already checked flights before he said he’d meet her there. sounds like some fraggle naggle bull to me.

Dr. Ruth

May 18th, 2012
10:57 am

50 Shades if Gray is really a great series of books, if it’s your cup of tea. Right now, all three books in the series occupy #1, 2 and 3 on the NY Best Sellers List. I’ve heard funny commentary on radio stations where women say it “saved their marriage” and all sorts of other funny stuff. It is designed for the woman’s poitn of view (hence the label “mommy porn”), but I’ve heard a lot of men are getting into the act. It’s a fantasy world where women can live out some other fantasy that they would never be able to in the real world. I have to say it’s one hot book! Check out the SNL skit on youtube. It’s a hoot!

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
10:57 am

kimmie…I looked up the flights and they really are expensive. It’s too much money to spend for just a 3 day weekend. $600 to fly into Atlanta and over $1000 to fly into Charleston from Connecticut. He did just get back from England on Sunday (was there on business, then his mom died, so he stayed a couple of extra weeks). I really don’t expect him to spend that much to come see me at this point.

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
10:58 am

@BF ~ supposedly the book is causing many to be more than hot and bothered. Sex lives are improving across America (lol).

ok, kimmie, get out of my head!! :lol: :lol: Yeah, I think it’s an excuse as well.

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
11:00 am

Bluz – Okay. I thought he had the trip booked already.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 18th, 2012
11:02 am

Appreciate the insight Leggs and Dr. Ruth.

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
11:03 am

No…he thought about coming while he was still in England, so he waited until he got home to look up flights. It’s too bad, but it’s all good. I’m disappointed, but this way, I can relax with my best friend and not have to be “on” all weekend.

disco

May 18th, 2012
11:03 am

bluz – I really don’t play it with the chicks who have a new man every other month. they aren’t serious about their relationships and I’m not either. then, on the flip side, I’ve had a couple of friends get married and fall off. I just had to understand it and accept it. same friends got separated/divorced and things went right back as they were before the marriage.

leggs/kimmie – see that’s the problem with us. we’re just too cynical.

DreamsMaterialize

May 18th, 2012
11:10 am

Morning
I don’t have time to “police” other grown folks, and they damn sure won’t be doing it to me. If there’s something you just love to do, please don’t let me get in the way. Just be honest, so I can decide what my next move is.

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
11:15 am

disco – I guess you’re right about being cynical.

Carry on Bluz! Yeah, nothing like chilling with your friends! I’m meeting my 2 main buddies from college tomorrow & can’t wait. We always have a blast, never stopped after all these years.

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
11:15 am

disco…I know that I’ve been guilty of not being around my friends for the first 6 months of a relationship or so, but after the “newness” wears off, you have to rebuild those friendships. Guys may come and go, but friends can be forever. I do have a “friend” who has been in a relationship for over 2 years with this control freak and has dropped me and a few of her close, long time friends. I stuck around for a while, but then gave up. I saw her recently and we talked and I told her that I was hurt that she just dropped me when I didn’t do anything wrong and she apologized and we talked about going to dinner or drinks to try to catch up and rekindle the friendship and I haven’t heard a peep from her. I’m not chasing after her…

Willie Dynamite

May 18th, 2012
11:15 am

Ladies I don’t think you all are being cynical. Just plain spoken. Honestly without trying to be rude or mean I can see Bluz being a candidate for someone’s team.

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
11:16 am

Trying to talk my mom into going to Charleston with me also. She’s had a lot of health issues lately and she really is my best friend. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she’ll go. I think she was more willing when we thought Dr. Brit was going! She wanted to check him out! LOL

kimmie

May 18th, 2012
11:26 am

I don’t know, thinking back as me & my friends got older we didn’t “hang out” as much as we did in and right after college anyway. A few moved away and everyone just got into their lives, whether you had a man or not. We talked pretty regular on the phone, and even that was not an every day or even every week thing. How ever often we did talk or see each other, we always picked right up where we left off. Marriages, divorces, kids, death, careers – life just happens and you work around and within that. Don’t know what I’d have done all these years without any of them.

Leggs

May 18th, 2012
11:28 am

I wouldn’t have expected him to come to see me at all just returning from England and his mother recently passing.

Bluzgirl

May 18th, 2012
11:31 am

Leggs…I didn’t really expect it. He wanted a nice getaway and this was a good opportunity for it. I just hoped I’d get to see him. If it’s meant to be, we will see each other soon. I’m not putting all of my eggs into his basket, though!