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Relationships: Snooping necessary?

You know that saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”, right? It’s pretty much the mantra snoopers use to go digging up dirt on their partners. It’s a clear sign that trust has left the relationship, but some people actually think that snooping is necessary.

If you sense something is amiss in your relationship, is it necessary to go checking phones, emails, or text message logs? How do you know that you won’t get the truth if you just ask?

Have you ever had someone snoop around on you because they suspected something you were doing wrong?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

201 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 16th, 2012
6:55 am

Necessary? NEVER! If trust has left then you should be headed out the door right behind it. Why allow yourself to stoop to the level of an unworthy partner? If you suspect it and your gut says it, time and attention will reveal it!

I can tell you just barely knowing a person and watching misaligned speech (yes that’s all it was), to actions or the lack thereof allowed me to escape the crazies. His lying philandering not so sane ways came to surface. Thank the Lord he watches over me :) Talk about dodging a bullet! Whew and forehead wipe (lol)!

Jeff

May 16th, 2012
7:44 am

A man was recently charged with crimes and put on trial for reading his wife’s email because he suspected she was having an affair (and it proved to be true).

Yet there was no public outrage, no protests, and no one in the media took up his cause. Sad.

n

May 16th, 2012
7:52 am

I would call it curiosity. It is very natural to want to know what the significant other is doing. Curiosity is healthy for a relationship. It is always nice to see the one that you are contemplating a life together with another woman or man as the occasion arises. Then you know they are good converstionalists, like to meet others and are sought for companionship.
Getting along is everything in this world. Put your mind at ease, they are not changing partners or leaving you. They are simply well adjusted. That pretty much covers it. Have a good day and do not worry about it. ing is A-OK.

Dances with Cougars

May 16th, 2012
8:21 am

If you don’t have trust with you partner, you certainly don’t have love.

Lubie Tupp

May 16th, 2012
8:40 am

Hey Snoop Dog, do you really have to base your relationship on fear, deceit and paranoia? If so, move on to the next one but this time make it someone you trust and feel no motivation to snoop on! Life’s much to short to live that way….

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
8:47 am

I’ve told how this woman cleared all the women numbers out of my phone. I went to see my son in his dorm room for a few brief moments. I left my phone in the cup holder when I returned I wanted to call my mom and couldn’t. Scrolling through the phone I noticed there were no female numbers listed. I asked her what happened and she boldly said “I deleted them”. WHAT! I let her know on the spot you killed the butterflies and you are free to snoop somewhere else.

DNG

May 16th, 2012
8:52 am

Seek and you shall find! If you go looking for something, you will certainly find out.

For all those in a committed, happy relationship, I invite you to check out this couples only event coming up on June 23rd.
http://coupleswhiteparty-efbevent.eventbrite.com/

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
8:57 am

Good morning.

<strong?If you sense something is amiss in your relationship, is it necessary to go checking phones, emails, or text message logs? HELL NO!

How do you know that you won’t get the truth if you just ask? Ummmm, since you’re with this person, you SHOULD know his character and how truthful this person has been in the past. If he or she has a pattern of being evasive and tells lies all willy nilly, why you with them?

I don’t like snoops and I don’t snoop. I have a mouth so I’ll just ask what I want to know and dissect what I hear coming out of your mouth.

single and happy

May 16th, 2012
9:03 am

@ Jeff, he should have been charged, I wouldn’t want my S/O looking at anything private of mine, and I would give her the same respect. If I think I need to be looking at anything it will be the door because the trust is gone!

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:05 am

@BF ~ that was one dumb woman. How long were you two seeing each other? Not that it matters, just curious at the nerve of some people.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:06 am

Leggs that’s what a grown woman would do, ask and listen.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:07 am

I tuned into Tough Love last week and the girls were setup on dates, may have been their 2nd date. Stuff was planted around the fake apartment to see if they would speak on it and if they would snoop. One girl turned the guys laptop around to see what he was looking at, and then proceeded to pick up his phone and look through it. It was locked, but still. The nerve of some people.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:11 am

About four years ago when my son went to GA. State. We dated three times, Three times and she pulled this off. I didn’t need her to show me anything more.

disco

May 16th, 2012
9:11 am

blackfoote – for real? she erased the numbers!!! and to think she was dense enough to think that would work. if she had to do something she should have copied the numbers and investigated them on her own time. (not that I’m condoning mind you just saying she could have been sneakier in her quest).

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:19 am

disco she deleted them all, my mom, sisters, and others. Of course I’m conditioned I don’t know anybody’s phone number unless it’s in the phone. I was pissed, and her attitude about it was yeah I did it so what. HUH!

Bluzgirl

May 16th, 2012
9:20 am

I have no comment about this topic today!!! Been there, done that!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:24 am

There’s this thing I do when confronted with bad situations, make sure they understand why, when, where, and how. Cool down then politely escort her to her door and say thank you for saving me a bunch of grief.

disco

May 16th, 2012
9:27 am

BF – I’m still tickled. I’m a bit brazen but dang. if she had that much time she could have simply changed one digit in everyone’s phone number. it may have taken you a minute to figure that one out and you probably wouldn’t have even suspected her. she gets credit for being bold but she loses it for being dumb. I just can’t imagine what she thought she’d accomplish.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:30 am

Usually I would take one out of town or to a movie and dinner as a farewell token. (Unknowing to them of course) This gal didn’t come close to that benefit.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:36 am

@BF ~ insecurity and domineering shown right out the gate! WOW!

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:37 am

@BF ~ I had to laugh but I know you weren’t making a joke. You would take one out of town or to a move and a dinner as a farewell token….did you leave them there (lol).

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:38 am

She was used to being in controll on all levels. She served in the Marines as a Lueitenant and she controlled a lot of men in that capacity. She was out of the service but the service was still in her. I was like damn this woman will really try to take me. Attitude of steel fiesty as hell the type I like but in the end too bold.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:40 am

Military woman or not, controlling men in that capacity or not…..common sense is common sense. She’s just plain stupid much like the astronaunt woman who wore a diaper to confront her competition.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:46 am

LOL…..@Leggs
I have a friend that says he does the same thing when he’s purging a interest. No I wont dis or leave them, but they start feeling I’ve gone from cool to frost.

abc

May 16th, 2012
9:48 am

Men expect women to snoop on them. It’s what women do. They figure they can’t trust, because they operate on secrets and lies themselves. Men generally let them go ahead and snoop, it’s the only way to put the thing to rest.

Women hate to be snooped on, though, because of all the secrets and lies. Men know that, so if a man goes snooping, he knows what fallout he’ll have if he gets caught. Generally, on account of that, men don’t bother.

I figure folks will do what they’re going to do no matter if I know about it not, so I don’t bother. I trust, but I have an awareness that the mess could come up at any time, so if/when it does, it won’t be such a big surprise.

disco

May 16th, 2012
9:50 am

leggs – that astronaut chick was something other than stupid. I don’t even know what to call her. don’t get me wrong. I’ve been in fight mode before where I was straight focused on getting at somebody but I’ve never been so focused that I couldn’t stop to use the daggone bathroom. eww.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
9:55 am

@disco ~ you’re absolutely right, she was something other than stupid!

@BF ~ not sure if it’s commendable or not to take someone out of town or to a movie knowing it’s your last date. Why even spend the $$? Why not just tell them to kick rocks? I kid, I know you’re a gentleman.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
9:58 am

LOL…..@disco

That lady was nuts.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
10:02 am

Give’em something to think about while they’re kicking rock……LOL

Leggs I’ve kick a bunch rocks and cans myself…….LOL

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:03 am

I know I wouldn’t want to sit at dinner with Frosty the Snowman. Why even exert pleasantries if your eyelids are iced over???

Tee

May 16th, 2012
10:09 am

My mother always told us if you go looking for something you will find it. When you are on a mission to find something you can easily read into the smallest detail.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
10:09 am

Leggs it’s a psychological move for me not her. For me knowing this is it the last hoorah and you can’t stop a train.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:09 am

We all have, BF, we all have.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:09 am

@BF ~ of course the move is for your benefit. That’s a given.

disco

May 16th, 2012
10:14 am

BF/leggs – re kicking rocks. don’t sleep on kicking rocks. recently I was crossing a parking lot and kicked a rock. I kicked that rock all the way to my car. I had to laugh at myself but admitted that kicking a rock felt kind of good. it requires a little bit of focus and relieves a little bit of tension. who’d have thunk it?

BF – that last hurrah move is akin to “killing them with kindness”. i understand the strategy but i’m no good at it. lol.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 16th, 2012
10:17 am

I’ll check back, dang meetings keep getting in the way of blogging. They must expect me to do a full 8 hours of work or something…….LOL

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:20 am

@disco ~ you crazy (lol)…did you feel like a kid again?

Bluzgirl

May 16th, 2012
10:33 am

I can say that in my last relationship, I did feel like I had to snoop. It’s an awful feeling. He had a shady past and I have trust issues. In the end, I found something while snooping that I confronted him about and it turned into an even bigger issue. It is true that if you go looking for something, you’re bound to find it. In my case, I found a few things, but just couldn’t walk away at the time.

I really hope that with my next relationship, I won’t want to snoop because it will be built on trust! It will be hard for me, though, because I have been burned a few times. It’s something I have to work on. At least I’m being honest about it! :-)

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:36 am

“I found something while snooping that I confronted him about and it turned into an even bigger issue.” – But of course!

I really mean no disrespect, Bluz, but people with severe trust issues why bother to get into a relationship that you realize you’ll probably sabatoge?

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:39 am

@Bluz ~ we’ve all be burned a few times. That’s a part of life. You can’t experience joy until you’ve felt pain. You say you hope your next relationship is built on trust. How is that going to happen if you don’t trust the person you’re with. The issues are with you. You need to work and heal yourself.

Bluzgirl

May 16th, 2012
10:42 am

Leggs…trust me…I am working on the issues with me. I had rose colored glasses on with the last one. I had real reasons to not have 100% trust in him. Everytime I started to trust more, something would come up. He was a cheater in the past and although I did trust him to not actually cheat on me, I still had to “check it out.” It was just toxic.

For my next relationship, I hope to start with a clean slate and not have as much issue with trust. I’m working on it for sure!

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:48 am

Glad to hear it, Bluz.

Robert

May 16th, 2012
10:53 am

“Have you ever had someone snoop around on you because they suspected something you were doing wrong? ”

We live in a technological society (internet, cell/smart phones, tabloits, laptops, etc.) that puts a lot of emphasis on the “need to know” and some women have taken this to a whole new level. How many men on this site have problems with their woman because of the perceptions technology can create in your relationship. Does she have respect for you?

Robert’s Rules of Dating – Top Ten

1. Cell phone on the night stand and goes to the bathroom to take a shower
2 Respect for his personal items (wallet, etc.)
3. Resist the temptation to check your cell/smart phone (in/out calls, text messages, pictures, etc.)
4. Resist the urge to go through your coat and pants pockets looking for “dirt”
5. Gets in your car and notices little things like the smell of a woman’s perfume, hair, etc.
6. Looks at your receipts (food, cleaners, etc.)
7. Checks the dating sites (match.com, etc.) looking for your picture
8. Checks her facebook account daily looking for “dirt” from her contacts who comment about you
9. Takes pictures with her cell/smart phone of anything that might be suspect (faces,cars/tags,etc.)
10 Lacks passion & desire in the bedroom. She thinks every woman wants her man.

disco

May 16th, 2012
10:55 am

leggs – yeah. I know I’m crazy. I don’t know what the deal was with kicking that rock. initially it was in the way but something just compelled me to keep on kicking it. speaking of feeling like a kid again. another thing I did not too long ago was walk on the edge of the curb putting one foot in front of the other. I didn’t plan to do this but my parking spot was kind of tight. I flashbacked on the days of pretending it was a balance beam.

kimmie

May 16th, 2012
10:56 am

Good morning Gang!

I’ve never been a snooper and don’t like to be snooped upon. I expect my privacy to be respected. I’m a normally calm and laid-back person, but if I catch you going in my purse, closet, drawers, cell phone, etc, you will see a very different side of me. I get that from my mother and that’s how I raising the kids – to respect peoples privacy and personal space.

When I was single & dating, if there was ever any suspicion, I either asked or just got out of the relationship. Most of the time I didn’t even confront, I just went on my way. Most guys are used to women snooping, so when they saw I didn’t, a few were pleasantly surprised. The others saw it as a sign I must not care very much and would try to create drama when there was no need. See some dudes complain about such, but others LIKE it – need to try to keep you off-balance. Cool if you like it, but I’m not the one.

Really, sh– usually rises to the top. Anything I need to know always reveals itself. I’m a bit lazy when it comes to worrying about what’s going on with other people, so if I have to check up behind you constantly and you’re not my child, sigh….. just go on somewhere.

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
10:58 am

I asked if you felt like a kid again because I’ve been hankering to play a game of jacks!

Leggs

May 16th, 2012
11:02 am

@kimmie ~ I was watching that Tough Love episode with lil leggs in the room. She asked me when on a date at the man’s place is it ok to walk around while he runs downstairs to pick up the food as was done on that particular episode. I told her no, you keep your behind in the seat he left you in and you patiently wait on his return. Don’t touch squat!

disco

May 16th, 2012
11:08 am

leggs – a friend of mine said she and her sisters recently played jacks. she said it was fun but i should have seen them all trying to get up off the floor.

re your daughter and walking around dude’s spot, did you at least tell her it’s okay to use xray/magnifying glasses to get a good look at whatever is lying around in plain sight? j/k.

kimmie

May 16th, 2012
11:12 am

Leggs – Obviously those women on TL have not been taught what you are teaching lil Leggs! Really, you should not be walking over anyone’s place, date or not, until you’ve been “welcomed” like that and are no longer “guest” status.

I swear, all those chicks on that show need to get a clue, but I guess that’s why they are perfect contestants for that show! Have you seen the one where the chick gets kicked off for already being MARRIED?

F. Lee Bailey

May 16th, 2012
11:14 am

Oops, looks like the doctor’s report came back and George Zimmerman had two black eyes, a fractured nose and two cuts on the back of his head the night of the shooting. This throws a major snafu into the “He hunted him down like a dog.” prosecution. On item one, George shouldn’t have followed when the 911 operator told him not to, but this is major evidence that there was a struggle and witnesses are confirming that they saw the kid on top of Zimmerman. He shouldn’t have had a gun, but sounds like the “Stand your Ground” law will apply here. Right or wrong, it is the law at that time. George will probably do manslaughter, though. if he gets off, no matter what the evidence shows or witnesses say, the riots will be large and widespread. I’m thinking of moving to an island if he gets aquitted…..