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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Sex versus friendship

If you had to make a choice between a relationship with great sex or great friendship, which would you pick? Of course, in a perfect world, we would want both, right?

When you consider the idea of a relationship with someone who is also your best friend, does it seem possible to have the same connection and chemistry in the bedroom?

Have you ever had a relationship that went from friends to lovers? Does the dynamic change when the relationship begins?

Is it possible to have the friendship and the sex without one or the other suffering in a relationship?

P.S. For the sake of discussion, let’s presume that the sex is really good sex. Just sayin’

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

154 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 15th, 2012
7:15 am

Diva Diva Diva, my last solid relationship was the exact scenario. Started out as the best of friends, spent oodles and oodles of time together……..he was probably the greatest love I’ve had so fast at this point in my life. A great guy. I was so afraid of love and always waited for the other show to drop. We hit a snafu and I chose to walk away. In retrospect we had a solidarity that would have carried us through. But you live, learn, you move on. But to your question Diva yes it is VERY possible to have the best of both worlds. I know.

Lily

May 15th, 2012
7:19 am

And yes the dynamics change….almost always. Sometimes moving from one type relationship to another is a bad move, but not always. The “not always” is rare.

Good day!

southpaw

May 15th, 2012
7:35 am

REO Speedwagon said it well when they recorded “Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” It included the line “What started out as friendship has grown stronger.” I noticed that happening with me about 22 1/2 years ago, and my friend is now my wife of just over 19 years.

single and happy

May 15th, 2012
7:46 am

Yes the dynamics do change. When we were friends we could talk about anything, now that we’re dating we can’t talk about nothing. When were friends we could hang out and have fun, now that we’re dating we hardly go out anymore! Friends can date and have a wonderful relationship, if you remain the person they fell in love with, and not try to become the person you think they want you to be! And as far as friendship and great sex, I’ve been having great sex with a friend for 12 years, we can talk about anything, I’m there for her, and she’s there for me.

SlimNu

May 15th, 2012
7:54 am

Good morning all,

It definitely makes a difference to have a foundation of friendship in order to sustain a healthier, longer lasting relationship. I find it harder to see a purely sexual based courtship lasting that long. At the end of the day, I want my best friend by my side…not just a hard wang.

Randyt (aka..not sure about this topic, I've screwed up both in my time)

May 15th, 2012
7:55 am

I’m not sure where I lie on this one. I’ve said way to many times on here that sex ALWAYS changes the dynamics and I believe that is almost a universal truth. Personally, I can’t recall EVER successfully escaping the dreaded FZ (friendship zone). When I have attempted to move toward “bigger and better”, I’ve gotten that, as someon this blog call it, “the sideways eye” like WTF. Most people I know don’t feel comfortable upsetting the ‘friendship’ by getting involved. Friendship is hard to find, sex is easy.

George P Burdell

May 15th, 2012
7:56 am

While most people want love and sex together; men and women usually rank them differently.
Most women will choose love over sex if they can only get one thing.
Most men will choose sex over love if they can only get one thing.
But most of us want both at the same time.

Randyt (aka..not sure about this topic, I've screwed up both in my time)

May 15th, 2012
8:03 am

(On a side note, I’m ‘feeling. an obligation to help Heidi Klum get past her breakup with Seal. I’d be willing to be her friend. It is a tough job, but someone needs to step up. Between her and Demi, this may be an ordeal, but I think I can hold up).

CNelson

May 15th, 2012
8:26 am

I have many friends and some of them are good friends. I don’t want to lose them, but there are always other friends. Male friends that are so so in bed will probably never get out of the “friend zone” (as it was so well put) or never get out of the casual dating zone. But a friend that can make me shake, rattle and roll automatically have a gold star by their status. I know I’m in the minority, but a friend is always a friend and you can always make more of them. But when you add that extra “oomph” that is outstanding SKILLS, we have something to build on. It has to be both to move out of the friendship zone. I cannot choose one, because both are pretty much 1a and 1b.

Dave

May 15th, 2012
8:32 am

I agree with CNelson. I have a lot of friends and some very good friends, but none of them are female. Females can be friends, but if they are hot, I will always wonder how they are between the sheets. Not so pretty female friends will always remain just casual friends and nothing close to best friends. Men wil always want to try and be “good friends” with the hotties, but that’s a foot in the door to take it to the next step. If they deny me, or are pretty ordinary to bad in bed, they return to the casual friend status. For a female to qualify as my “best friend”, I have to be actually dating them because they made my eyes roll back in my head. It’s gotta be both great to hang with and great in bed to have a “best friend” for a female. Otherwise, they are just casual friends.

Spike

May 15th, 2012
8:39 am

I am always intrigued when this topic comes up. Love is something that involves the emotions of the heart and slight attention of the brain. Sex is purely physiological drive and involves less of brain power (like concentration) and almost no emotions of the heart although it is supposedly good for heart health.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that these two spheres, although linked in some relationships, involve different human domains.
However, for those of us who have had the luck, surely becomes magic when they occur together!

Katz

May 15th, 2012
8:43 am

Friend. A true friend is a diamond in the coal pile of great sex.

Shaunie

May 15th, 2012
8:47 am

@Katz- Agreed. Sometimes the most loving thing that someone of the opposite sex can do is become a true friend.

Mike P

May 15th, 2012
8:48 am

Good Morning,

If we’re only friends but we having sex in the manner described above, then its a “friends with benefit” situation, and we all know how that turns out in the end. Bump-Ugly-Buddies don’t last, at some point someone will want more or worse, a real relationship and may get it from somebody else, leaving behind the other.

Its best to separate the two, or lose both!

That’s my 2% Dollar.

Elsa

May 15th, 2012
8:51 am

A true “best friend” of the opposite sex is someone that can humor you and care for you IN ADDITION TO rock my world. If you only have the first part, all you are is a friend. If all you have is the second part, all you are is a fug buddy. Come to think of it, I need both kinds of people until I find one person with both traits.

Dances with Cougars

May 15th, 2012
8:55 am

A true FRIEND will not cheat on you, betray you, sleep with your best friend, try to treat you like “property,” try to manipulate your emotions or (intentionally) rip out your heart.

A Sex Partner?

Not so much.

Rickster

May 15th, 2012
8:58 am

I’ll keep making female friends until I find that female friend that acts like Lisa Ann (look her up if you don’t know who she is:

http://photobucket.com/images/lisa%20ann/

Until then, the search continues………

kimmie

May 15th, 2012
9:06 am

Morning All!!

I’ll let the others comment on this, mainly the singles. I don’t really have anything of value to add. There are exceptions to everything, so what do I know?

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
9:07 am

Morning.

To sustain any relationship, one must first be friends. It’s the glue that bonds the relationship. To have a relationship based solely on sex is like MikeP stated, FWB! They don’t last more than a few months, perhaps even a year or two.

Lisa Ann

May 15th, 2012
9:12 am

What’s a little oral between friends. :)

FrankNErnest

May 15th, 2012
9:16 am

I can be friends with any woman who stimulates me mentally and is physically attractive (to me). All the better if I can get it in with her and we have great sexual chemistry. No jealously on either side, no possesiveness – just being cool and (being cool with getting it in every now and then). Perfect!

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
9:31 am

I agree that FrankN’s 9:16, would be “perfect”…but I for one have never gotten close to getting all that at once…or at least not for long. Dayum the bad luck.

I have noted there is one common denominator in all of my sometimes brief, but always awesome ‘failed’ relationships…and I see him in the mirror every morning. I’m still analyzing what that might mean and will get back to you ;-)

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
9:34 am

Kimmie, were you the one who read “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”? I’m almost finished with it and eager to see the movie. A little slow out of the chutes but a good book and getting better.

kimmie

May 15th, 2012
9:37 am

Randyt – It was not I. Hubs read it and has the movie at home. We’ll sit down and watch it one day.

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
9:46 am

@Randyt ~ didn’t read the book, but saw the movie and for the life of me I have no idea why it was nominated for ANYTHING!

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
9:49 am

Ok, perhaps not for ANYTHING, but 5 nominations. I don’t see it. Apparently, a bunch of other folk disagrees with me.

abc

May 15th, 2012
10:00 am

Regarding ‘Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’, I didn’t read the book nor see the American remake, but the original Dutch flick was very interesting.

I’d go for great friendship over great sex. Sex is sex, it’s not the most important thing to me. No sex would suck, but otherwise, fine.

Mike P

May 15th, 2012
10:01 am

WD – If you had to make a choice between a relationship with great sex or great friendship, which would you pick?

Me: I’d choose the relationship with great sex, hands-down. I can always get great friends.

Mike P

May 15th, 2012
10:06 am

WD – When you consider the idea of a relationship with someone who is also your best friend, does it seem possible to have the same connection and chemistry in the bedroom?

Me: My real best friend is a man. My best-woman-friend is a friend, as in, I placed her in the friend-zone, and there she will remain. I will not consider the idea of having a sexual relationship with her.

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
10:09 am

abc’s comment struck a chord in me (by the way, I have seen the Dutch sequel to “The Girl with tehDragon Tattoo” on Netflix and liked it…I will check out the first one, thanks).

Re abc’s comment, I have wondered lately if I have become too much of a loner for a really mature friendship. I’ve spent so much time on the road for the last five years that I have become used to entertaining myself. Normally I would agree with abc about friendship over sex just because of how easy sex is vs. friendship, but it is getting harder and harder for me to want to have a real relationship. I’m getting lazy and a real relationship does and should require a lot of work to do it well. Frankly that rattles me, because that has not always been me.

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
10:14 am

@ Mike P…your comment about always being able to get great friends intrigues me. For me it is the opposite. I seem to connect frankly sexually often much sooner than I would truly like…it just happens. Friendship takes time, trust, and thought to me. Interesting.

abc

May 15th, 2012
10:19 am

Ain’t nothing wrong with being a hermit, Randy. I’ve done that; other than my wife, I’m kind of like that now. It’s a common thing for men of a certain age.

Slim Sniffleupagus :-(

May 15th, 2012
10:24 am

Like Cuba Gooding said in the movie Radio, “I want boff!” (both)

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
10:25 am

@Randyt ~ I responded to your 10:09 with quite some thought put into my post and it was eaten. So, all I can say now, I am in alignment with your thoughts!

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
10:27 am

@ abc…thanks. I think what has hit me lately is that I am inclined to bail at the first hint of an issue, rather than try to work things through. Last week I walked away from the beginning of a relationship with a lady I generally liked a lot, rather than even try to see if it was just a bad hair day. The dating pool in ATL is so huge and so much of a smorgasbord that as I have said too often, there will always be another train coming in to the station. I just need to start riding the trains to their destination rather than getting off at the first stop. Like I said…I’m getting lazy.

Celisea

May 15th, 2012
10:31 am

What’s shaking in here? I see not too much. Same convo recycled time and time again…lol

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
10:33 am

Uh oh Leggs, you didn’t beat me up again for the lady I drove into the arms of another again are you? She has emailed me in a nice tone several times, but there were issues there (but then again, the only ones who don’t have issues are six feet uner aren’t they ;-) Okay I admit I helped that one along. This new one I should have held off bailing for awhile at least.

Mike P

May 15th, 2012
10:36 am

@Randyt: I was speaking about how easy it is for me to find friends when compared to finding great sex. Besides I already have all the friends I need or can handle in my little circle.

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
10:39 am

@Mike P…makes perfect sense, I think I just have things backward sometimes ;-)

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
10:45 am

Naw, I didn’t beat you up, Randyt. I don’t beat people up, that’s disco’s job (lol). J/K, disco.

However, your 10:27 is a testament to much of what’s going on in 2012 and dating. Such a hugh smorgasboard no one really wants to ride the train out of the tunnel into daylight.

abc

May 15th, 2012
10:53 am

Hey Randy, if it isn’t to your liking, no reason not to bail on something new. It might not be optimally nice for them (been there done that sent you the tshirts) but no reason to waste your time and theirs.

Randyt (how does one balance almost perfect with the insanity that almost always goes with it? ;-)

May 15th, 2012
11:01 am

Off topic…

1) “plane crashes in Equador with a large amount of cash on board and registered in Mexico”…why do I suddenly have Glenn Frey’s song “Smugglers Blues” from the old “Miami Vice” in my head.

2) “study links alcohol with sex attacks”…who’d a thunk that?

3) “man sets self on fire outside courtroom”…okay I can get strong convictions about things but dayum…

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 15th, 2012
11:07 am

I’m forgiving if she want to be friends only. I don’t have sex with my friends, on the other hand we need to be more than friends.

disco

May 15th, 2012
11:10 am

good morning / almost afternoon. no offense leggs. I’ve been typecast but I suppose it could be worse. I’m on the side of sex over friendship. I’ve already got friends in my corner but dry spells are a mother. and with a janky attitude like mine dry spells are in nobody’s best interest. lol.

kimmie

May 15th, 2012
11:12 am

For a relationship to last, you really need to like the other person. That usually means there is a friendship there. Otherwise, you’ll never get thru those rough patches.

I have some wonderful friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world. 2 are male, the rest female, never had a physical relationship with any of them.

Hubs is the great combo of both great physical and friendship.

Never settle for just one, I say. Otherwise, keep things as they are with that person.

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
11:19 am

@disco ~ we’re all typecast to a certain degree. Girl, you wear your role with the thuggish fist pumping, I don’t give a damn dance steps ever created. :wink:

Slim Sniffleupagus :-(

May 15th, 2012
11:19 am

disco – Dry spells can be pretty harsh especially if you’re coming off recent & frequent puddy dusting…but after a while, that hard up feeling dies down.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

May 15th, 2012
11:22 am

Randyt

I saw this the other day, a lady in a bright yellow sundress. What made it so alluring was her silhoeutte staring back you.

Leggs

May 15th, 2012
11:22 am

“…and with a janky attitude like mine” – believe me, you keeping adding to your resume (lol).

Celisea

May 15th, 2012
11:25 am

Blackfoote – What made it so alluring was her silhoeutte staring back you.

This is called “needing to put on a slip” lol I just bought a new one Saturday at Macys :) Can’t have my tail exposed…lol