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Single life: Was that a date?

I have a friend who can be completely oblivious to when someone is flirting with her. She is a beautiful girl with a really big heart, but sometimes a guy has to go to great lengths before she actually notices. Men lose interest with her because she is slow connecting the dots of their efforts.

I don’t know the root cause of her dating blind spot, but I can’t count the times I’ve heard her say, “Wait, was that a date? Or my personal favorite “I think he is just being nice to me”.

Of course men can be kind without an ulterior motive, but most single people have some kind of agenda on the dating scene. Which brings me to the part of dating I do not enjoy: figuring out what the dating agenda is when there are so many signals. I try not to give up out of sheer frustration or laziness but who has time to figure out motives?

If you are unsure about whether or not you are on a romantic date, or if you are unclear about someone’s intentions, what do you do? I tend to be cautious and wait it out but sometimes that backfires! At some point someone has to make a move, right?

How do you handle the mixed signals?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

134 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 9th, 2012
7:07 am

Diva I’m there too in wondering “was he flirting with me or am I misreading” for example. I tend to replay the scenario to a girlfriend, you know another set of eyes and ears. If I not sure and after talking things out with a balanced third party, I head back in the waters….lol I put myself out there to see and create opportunities for more chances and/or encounters. Once I’m pretty sure, I’m stepping up to the challenge.

Shaunie

May 9th, 2012
7:48 am

Diva…I can respect a sister that moves on her own internal clock. Maybe if more of us did that, we would’nt have multiple misadventures. IMO

DreamsMaterialize

May 9th, 2012
9:10 am

Morning
I’ve run into women like Diva’s friend. Sometimes I’ve wondered whether those women were really that oblivious or if they were just trying to let me down without having woman up and actually let me down. It’s all good though. I don’t spend too much time on women like Diva’s friend because no matter how oblivious she is, if she’s interested in you, she’ll do things that you let you know that. And this should not come as a surprise, but if I ask you out…it’s a DATE. lol

disco

May 9th, 2012
9:23 am

good morning. I wouldn’t say that I’m out and out oblivious but I do prefer the straight shooter to the beat around the bush type. just yesterday I had a guy slide in several references to my man or my husband when he was trying to determine if I was single. each time I ignored the reference because I was waiting on him to just open his mouth and get to it. sure you can usually pick up on a good hint but things do have a way of being misinterpreted. I’ll take directness any day.

Jaded Guy

May 9th, 2012
9:26 am

Date? Schmate!

Guys, there are only two kinds of women in this world:

1. Those who will cheat on you, lie to you and break your heart.

2. Those who are busy doing that to some other guy.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 9th, 2012
9:30 am

Meeelllooo asking Disco to she her draws in 5, 4, 3, 2….

There’s something to be said for being direct, as in less confusion being created.

Subtlety was never my strong suit. So if we were on a date – no confusion about it. But I think ladies like Diva’s friend are oblivious because they want to be (as Dreams alluded to). Likewise, they’re the one’s most often stuck on stupid about a guy who could care less.

such is life….

Hi everybody

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
9:36 am

Morning Crew!!!!! Let me read the topic! ;)

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
9:40 am

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
9:41 am

hmmmm it can’t be that confusing really………………….interesting~

wealthybuddies

May 9th, 2012
9:42 am

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Leggs

May 9th, 2012
9:42 am

Didn’t mean to hit submit.

Truth be told, I don’t think any grown, mature person is ever oblivious. You know if you’re on a date or not. You know if this person is interested in you way before you go on that date. If you act like you don’t know, it simply means you don’t view that person as meeting your dating criteria.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

May 9th, 2012
9:51 am

I agree with Leggs.

No woman in her right mind really thinks a guy who isn’t related to her is using his resources to take her out “just because.”

disco

May 9th, 2012
10:02 am

I beg to differ with the folks who assume that being out is a date. every outing isn’t a date. sometimes it’s just two people getting something to eat or two people taking in a show or two people doing whatever. a date is a whole nother level than that and I can imagine how one person might be under the impression that it’s a date while the other person is just along for the ride. this is why you have to be specific.

Celisea

May 9th, 2012
10:07 am

Why are there so many misunderstood and misunderstandings then if things are always crystal clear? Nah, not buying. I don’t know about others but there are many facets where mixed signals can be communicated. About the most clear thing you can do or get is being asked on a date…even then (I agree), that’s not always clear.

Nope, I disagree. All too often folks operate in the gray areas.

Celisea

May 9th, 2012
10:08 am

Y’all have yourselves a good one now!!

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:08 am

disco being out on a date is one thing and hanging out is another and I know the difference between both was my point and it can’t be that confusing ma’am ;)

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:08 am

Hey C!!!!!! ;) don’t work too hard sis~

disco

May 9th, 2012
10:15 am

I think of martin lawrence’s joke in you so crazy when he told the girl “I said I would take you to the movies, I didn’t say I would pay for you to get in”. yeah, it’s a shame if/when you have to break it down so much but sometimes you have to.

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
10:15 am

I took the post to be about one person liking another and asking them out. No doubt, opposite sex can meet and hang, but I didn’t take the topic to imply that.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 9th, 2012
10:22 am

Here’s a hint: if we meet there *not* a date; if he goes to get her = date.

Oh, and if it’s not a date (or one party doesn’t think it is) wait til the check gets there…that usually ends all the confusion

DreamsMaterialize

May 9th, 2012
10:23 am

sometimes it’s just two people getting something to eat or two people taking in a show or two people doing whatever. a date is a whole nother level than that
disco Please, explain the difference. From my perspective, getting food is a date, seeing a movie is a date, going to a festival is a date, coffee/drinks is a date. Now the date might not go anywhere, but an outing IS a date. The only exception I can see is if the two of you are already established friends and that there is no possibility of anything else. But if you’re a single hot chic, and I ask you out, that’s a date, unless you say otherwise, in which case we might as well not go. As a single guy I don’t see the point of purposeless “outings” with smart, attractive, witty, SINGLE women. lol

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
10:23 am

Exactly, Lady. Good point, Dan (lol).

i'm swiss

May 9th, 2012
10:24 am

“Hello, young lady. I find you extremely arousing and would like to give you the oral pleasure, followed by 16.8 seconds of sheer ecstasy, then a long nap.”

Is that direct enough?

Morning, folks!

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:25 am

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:26 am

swiss to freakin’ early flag on the play lol

czBrat

May 9th, 2012
10:26 am

If you act like you don’t know, it simply means you don’t view that person as meeting your dating criteria.

that’s about how i’d handle it.

HiYas!

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:28 am

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
10:35 am

Hey czB!

O/T ~ looking down at my hand. Something bit me last night between my thumb and pointer finger. Monitoring it and hoping and hoping it doesn’t spread.

kimmie

May 9th, 2012
10:47 am

Morning All!

It usually works like Dreams said. I’ve never NOT known when I was out on a date with a man versus a buddy/coworker just hanging out!

Folks just want to “play crazy”. If you’re really THAT oblivious, you’re a little slow…..

czBrat

May 9th, 2012
10:48 am

hey beautiful!

well that’s not good.
looking down at my chest, i see a single gray hair. also hoping it doesn’t spread. :sad:

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
10:51 am

You summed it up nicely, kimmie. My exact thoughts. Who can’t differentiate a date from hanging out with your bud?

@czB, thanks for the laugh. :lol: :lol:

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
10:52 am

Heck, even the conversation is different when on a date vs. just hanging out.

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:53 am

and non verbals too legss………………..

Lady~Never too much

May 9th, 2012
10:54 am

leggs! lordy I can’t multitask

Fion

May 9th, 2012
10:56 am

@kimmie
your 10:47 is dead on. I really don’t think any woman is that slow.
If she really is, then oh well. NEXT!!!!!

kimmie

May 9th, 2012
10:57 am

And if a dude is really hopscotching around like that with you, saying after “Oh you thought this was a date? Psych!”, ask to see his id, cause he can’t be over 21 playing games like that. I wouldn’t have time for such mess. And I wouldn’t blame a dude for not wanting to deal with a game-playing chick that’s trying to play dumb either!

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
11:39 am

O/T ~ Would anyone here pay $1599 for someone to set you up with 12 guaranteed dates for a year? WTH!!! One date a month. I laughed at the solicitor when she called me last night and I think I hurt her feelings. Oh well.

not understanding

May 9th, 2012
11:51 am

question:
a woman came at me saying she thinks I’m cute, we started hanging out, got close, told me she loved me,but she has a boyfriend who stays with his baby momma, she says she doubt him but cant find a way to leave without hurting him, while my dumb self buys the flowers, open the doors , set up romantic candle lit dinners,and pour out every nice action I can think of to prove I care for her feelings and would never put her thru anything knowing it hurt her, but now she’s acting different towards me, creating less time we spend together, I know she probably is gonna move on and thats ok but, why approch a nice guy and play with him and bring him grief when he did nothing but adore he from the jump, just dont get it I guess, so many complain about no nice guys but we do exist, but it making it hard to show a nice side when people respond with games,

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
11:54 am

Better question ~ why would a “nice” guy knowingly pursue a woman who’s involved with another man and not think he’ll get played??

what's part you don't understand?

May 9th, 2012
11:57 am

You knew she had a boyfriend. What’s to not understand? You may be a nice guy but if you set yourself up partaking in shenanigans and games then you’ll reap the backlash of that type situation. No matter how nice you are.

what part you don't understand?

May 9th, 2012
11:58 am

You sound hurt. Heal and move on to someone more deserving of the nice guy you are.

not understanding

May 9th, 2012
12:04 pm

she pursued me hard kinda making me feel like she wanted to be with me and I played hard to get for a while but gave in after time, and yeah I’m upset at the fact but other than that it is what it is, just don’t get the logic behind misleading people

disco

May 9th, 2012
12:08 pm

since I’m the person who insists there’s a difference between a date and just hanging out (even with confirmed couples) I’ll just say that in my mind (and maybe it’s just in my own head) there’s the addition of excitement, anticipation and even expectations involved with a date that’s not there for just hanging out. a husband can take his wife out on the spur of the moment and it will be just regular (not saying it’s not nice but it’s regular) but to plan something out in advance and give a person time to marinate on it is what takes it up a notch. I think I’ve mentioned on here before that the whole art of getting ready to go out is different when you are going out on a date (at least for me, there’s a whole new method of primping involved). a date is almost “psychological”, a frame of mind.

what part you don't understand

May 9th, 2012
12:11 pm

You said her boyfriend lived with his baby’s momma. That should have been toxic enough for you to steer clear. Why didn’t you give her the option and incentive of further pursuing once she removed herself from that situation? Move on nice guy, there’s someone out there and available for you.

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
12:14 pm

You don’t even sound like a man! Your 12:04 is really birly sounding.

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
12:19 pm

And, if your such a nice person, why go after a woman that’s already involved with a man who lives with his baby mama. That right there should tell you she ain’t wrapped too tight.

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
12:20 pm

Ok, I’m done since you on here playing games yourself.

Leggs

May 9th, 2012
12:24 pm

I think it’s in your head, disco (lol). You can have the same anticipation when hanging out with friends. Just different body parts are tingling….ok, that was crass, but truthful (lol).

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 9th, 2012
12:33 pm

@Disco

Since you favor ‘direct’, how direct are you in telling said dude(s) that your feeling is that “[this] is not a date”? And when do you communicate this fact?

disco

May 9th, 2012
12:46 pm

thanks leggs for re-confirming my crazy. folks to hang out with are a dime a dozen. even if you take out the tingling body parts (lol) you go into a dating situation with a new person hoping to develop something and with a not so new person to maintain what you have developed.

dan – I’m the chick who will say on the spot “are you asking me out on a date”? now, I already know what I want/expect for myself but I ask that question to see where his head is at. some guys punk out when you give it the title, like they are more comfortable “hanging out” than they are “dating”. I’ve also had guys ask for my number and I’ll ask why. they’ll say something along the lines of to call me (one guy said he wanted to conversate with me). I’ll ask – on the spot – when you call what do you want to talk about? this isn’t necessarily about me being difficult so much as to weed out the “weak”. a lot of guys are just out here casting hooks hoping to catch something/anything. that’s all good but I expect him to be able to bring it. sort of like the father asking what are your intentions with my daughter. I’m asking these fellas what are your intentions with me.