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Dating: Should you switch your style?

Everyone likes the idea of meeting someone great, liking them, and them liking you back. The thought of having to make compromises, concessions, or God forbid actual changes does not bode well for single people.

We all believe we are wonderful creatures and anyone who dates us should accept us as we are! Why would you change to please someone else, right?

Realistically speaking, how many people in a long lasting relationship can actually say they made it work by staying the exact same person? A friend of mine has a woman who is trying to give him a makeover. Simple stuff, really, nothing particular major. Personally, I think she has made his image a lot more polished. I noticed the changes almost immediately and I remarked how nice his new look was.

His boys are giving him a hard time, however, for switching up his style to appease his woman. Although, he tells them that he really likes her “suggestions”, they still believe that she just took the first step toward domination and think it is a warning sign.

Do men worry about their women making too many changes to things like their appearance/image, etc? Are they open to hearing some suggestions or does it come across as controlling?

Have you ever switched your style after dating someone? Have you ever suggested a change for someone else? How did they respond?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

220 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 4th, 2012
6:28 am

Dva compromise is a great place to be. Changing who you are is not.

Good day!

Shaunie

May 4th, 2012
6:59 am

Change is inevitable…Putting up with those who try to change you is optional.

Lily

May 4th, 2012
7:07 am

I’m happy I have no desire to change any individuals. I’m also happy I understand compromise goes both ways. Some only believe compromise is defined as my way or no way.

Exiled!

May 4th, 2012
7:46 am

So if u agree to compromise,you won’t change your ways?

Is compromise only applicable if the other party changes? Because if you accept to compromise on some aspects I guess it also means you change what you have been,prior. Feel me?

I am ok with a fix upper woman myself! :lol:

And I can be Dianne’s fix Upper if she so chooses.

single and happy

May 4th, 2012
7:50 am

@ Shaunie, you took the word right out of my mouth. That was my first thought after reading the topic. Even though we might not see it, hopefully we”re always evolving to the situations around us, if not you will be in the same ole place all your life. When things change on your job, you change, the same should go for your relationship!! When me and my significant other are talking I listen to what she says and act accordingly. As for as the boys, when they can satisfy my needs like she does maybe I’ll listen to them, but don’t think that’s going to happen! (LOL)

disco

May 4th, 2012
8:52 am

good morning. apparently the magic word “balance” is a recurring thing. i don’t think small suggestions of wardrobe/hair/other physical changes are major. by small i mean pointing out a color or style that is flattering and giving s/o option of deciding whether or not they like it. it’s a whole new ballgame when a person is attempting to completely revamp a person’s image and personal style. there are certain things that i simply do not wear and no number of suggestions from a s/o is going to change that. i don’t think that means i’m uncompromising in general even if i refuse to compromise my style.

SlimNu

May 4th, 2012
9:02 am

Morning gang

Leggs

May 4th, 2012
9:06 am

Good morning.

His boys are giving him a hard time, however, for switching up his style to appease his woman. – He really should care less (well, to a point) about his boys and more about this woman and their relationship.

Although, he tells them that he really likes her “suggestions”, they still believe that she just took the first step toward domination and think it is a warning sign. – As long as he likes her suggestions and is willingly going along with them for the betterment of himself, let his friends think what they want. You really can’t control another person’s thoughts. To me, this is an example of ones “boys” riding him because the change appears to be for the good. Doesn’t mean she’s dominating a thing. Just showing him how he can improve. Who would not want to see another improve?

Do men worry about their women making too many changes to things like their appearance/image, etc? – I think the operative word here is “too” many changes. Relationships change as time goes by so the people should change along with it. It’s inevitable.

Are they open to hearing some suggestions or does it come across as controlling? – Don’t know, but it shouldn’t come across as controlling. Let me back up, it all depends on how it’s delivered!

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
9:11 am

Good morning….everybody :)

I don’t think you should have to change your style of “being” for anybody. I think as an individual change happens over time. I look to improve with age and time. I don’t however wish to morph into someone else all in the name of love. If what initially attracted you no longer appeases what do you call that?

When I think of compromise I think of finding a happy medium and a place that works well for the both of us. Compromise is not changing or giving up the person you are and have grown to be. Compromise is working towards the center…me from my end and you from your end. None of us are perfect, not even the spouse or SO that desires you to change. Overall, I’m insulted if asked to change my style….of being.

lolalee

May 4th, 2012
9:12 am

I’ve been working on a change to my man’s hair style, but he is happy as is. I know it will look a lot better, but he is happy as is. I’d really like an updated look, but he is happy as is.

So, I am happy as is. Truly. I’ll leave it in the ‘maybe one day file’ and enjoy him for who he is (outdated hair and all) :)

disco

May 4th, 2012
9:23 am

lolalee – you must tell us about the hair style. what is it? processed, shag, press and curl, rick james braids and beads, high top fade. do tell.

lolalee

May 4th, 2012
9:29 am

disco ~ ha! He’s a white boy! no braids and beads, thank god.

disco

May 4th, 2012
9:35 am

lolalee – lol. oh well. while i recognize an old fashioned white hairstyle when i see it, outside of the mullet i couldn’t name any of them.

czBrat

May 4th, 2012
9:37 am

i like leggs’ assessment. i was thinking right along the lines of his friends being downright jealous.

here’s the thing though, i wouldn’t suggest changes to anyone’s look, outlook, or approach in life unless they ask. if you’re asking for my input, then how am i “changing” you? i’m not forcing it on you, and it shouldn’t affect our relationship at all if you choose to disregard my advice.
ultimately, only you gotta do you.

now unsolicited? yeah. no. i don’t do that and don’t take to it kindly.

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
9:41 am

Why am I out of wack this week? Yet another day where I don’t “feel” like working. I have to though…it’s my job :)

Back to topic………

lolalee

May 4th, 2012
9:42 am

disco ~ me neither, but it looks like something from about 10 years ago… sigh.

SlimNu

May 4th, 2012
9:42 am

I think with men, they are just always afraid that they will totally lose their friend….like it’s a tug-o-war between the friends and her with the mutual guy in the middle. It happens with women too but probably on a more passive aggressive level than with guys

Fee in NC

May 4th, 2012
9:52 am

Hey Leggs….. :-)

I think in a relationship we should not only should be good for one another, compliment one another, but on another level cause positive change and growth, and if that mean enhancing your style thats a plus. I know its a fine line, if you feel someone is trying to change you, but then again, if its for the better, it maybe time to shed those ole skins….

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
9:53 am

Morning All!!

Exiled – Your girl Dianne is going to be on Oprah’s Master Class this Sunday! You should check it out, support your woman!LOL!!

Leggs

May 4th, 2012
10:08 am

HEY FEE! It’s about time you poked in here! Glad to read you, chica!

“…but on another level cause positive change and growth, and if that mean enhancing your style thats a plus” – that’s what I said with all those other words (lol).

Leggs

May 4th, 2012
10:08 am

You got it, czB!

abc

May 4th, 2012
10:14 am

First of all, we should not all believe we’re wonderful creatures and all that. Get over yourself, I say; personally, I know where all my warts are. Most of them, anyway. Consider that each new person brings a perspective about you to which you should at least pay attention. If they’re honest enough with you to tell you things they think are wrong about you, appreciate their honesty. If the ‘wrong list’ is too long, self evident: they’re not the one.

czBrat

May 4th, 2012
10:15 am

today’s topic reminds me of my very first interaction on this blog about 3 years aog (i think).
s/o asked me to wear heels more often cuz he luvs that look.
my dear blog gents said, if he’s a good dude and you want to keep him happy, just do it!

slim, i’ve heard of the ‘bros b4 hos’ code but, thankfully, have not come across that foolishness myself. this is what i don’t understand about the people we choose to call “friends”. if they don’t want you to have the things that make YOU happy, what the hell kinda “friends” are these????

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 4th, 2012
10:16 am

great post abc!!!!

howdy crew!

Leggs

May 4th, 2012
10:17 am

As far as switching styles, let me speak for myself. As I’ve matured, my style has loosened up a “little” bit. I’ve always dressed conservatively because I’ve always worked in law firms. I think my clothes aren’t as “tight laced” as they used to be and I’m finding a sexier side to me. As a result, I project myself with a tad bit more confidence than I used to (if you can believe that). :wink:

DreamsMaterialize

May 4th, 2012
10:19 am

“I don’t need a new style; being dope is always in fashion.”

i'm swiss

May 4th, 2012
10:20 am

“I think with men, they are just always afraid that they will totally lose their friend….like it’s a tug-o-war between the friends and her with the mutual guy in the middle. It happens with women too but probably on a more passive aggressive level than with guys”

Slim — Really? Maybe I’m just strange, but I’ve never in all my life worried about how one of my friends would feel about any girl that I was into.

i'm swiss

May 4th, 2012
10:22 am

And, I’ve never had a friend cause any grief over any girl that I was into. Now, we dudes do talk sh!t to each other, but that’s all in good fun.

DreamsMaterialize

May 4th, 2012
10:23 am

Seriously though, change in the form of growth is always good. It’s a given that you will change, and the person you’re with will also change over time. If they’re the right one for you, then the two of you will change and grow TOGETHER.

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
10:24 am

On topic – When I was dating, I got SO TIRED of hearing dudes whine about not wanting a woman to change them!! I am like Brat – I don’t give unsolicited advice about appearance & such. If you ask and don’t like what I say, then that’s on you. Most of the dudes I dated were pretty acceptable when it came to dress and appearance, so I didn’t really run into any issues with that. But alot seemed to be on the edge about me trying to change things, maybe due to chicks they dated in the past. One was extremely paranoid about it. My simply suggesting activities that were different from what he was used to was a sign that I was trying to change him, and he told me that! I simply wanted to branch out to a few different restaraunts or cultural events from time to time. If he truly was not interested in going, just say that, but don’t accuse me of trying to change you! He was happy doing the same ole same ole. I left his behind alone.

Luckily, my husband & I have the type of relationship where we can recognized areas we are willing to compromise on, need to change or keep the same. For example, I am slowly but surely changing the eating habits of him & the kids to be much healthier. The fact that I make things healthy AND tasty made the transition easy. I also didn’t force it on them. I didn’t roll in throwing out all the meat and declaring us vegetarians over night. There is a method to affecting positive change on people – IF they are accepting.

Oh and that mess about dudes boys ribbing him? Juvenile that any man out of high school is still influenced by peer pressure. That would be a turnoff to me. And his buddies are definitely jealous. They probably don’t have a woman themselves and are probably still dressing like they are in high school. And he’s still listening to anything they have to say? SMH

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
10:26 am

Worrying about what (insignificant) others think and more over gravitating is plan immaturity and foolishness.

Also, it’s one thing for a SO to get adventurous (lol) and pick up that dress or pumps because they feel you can pull it off….sexy and all all the while making them happy, it’s another thing to request that I buy things to make you happy. I’m sorry but relationships aren’t dictatorship. When you met me you liked my style….I would guess. Not saying having a chat with something like “hey babe what do you think of this” A laundry list? Not so much.

SlimNu..Standing on one foot

May 4th, 2012
10:27 am

czBrat – I won’t say they don’t necessarily want to see you happy but for some it takes a minute to get acclimated to the fact that things may slightly change between them…whether it be the frequency they can hang out, out of respect consulting with the SO prior to making a decision whereas before it wasn’t that way etc. Take for instance when my best friend got married, I was super happy for her and I already knew some things would change. So I backed up a bit to respect their union so they could get themselves acclimated but she took my space as something else. Once we talked about it, everything was better. Now she’s preggers and i’m SUPER excited about that but again, we will have to figure out how to flow once the baby comes. Call it Growing Pains lol

Laura Kim

May 4th, 2012
10:32 am

It is important to know your own style, or the style you want to meet with. And I really found the right person with the style I like on sugarmommydate dot com, why don’t you come and find the right style?

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
10:34 am

And if it’s a matter of style (eating, habits, clothing) and I’d like to see the change then I’m going to offer to buy dinner somewhere other than what he’s accustom or cook a dish I’d like to introduce him to or take it upon myself to pick up the tie or watch or belt or shirt that I think would work wonders. Now if he can see what I can see and how well change works for him, then maybe he’ll start to move in that direction.

I agree with there being a method for causing positive change.

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
10:35 am

Celisea – Your 10:26, great post. That’s what alot of folks don’t seem to grasp.

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
10:39 am

Kimmie – Thanks. Too, because even though I suggested that how I could appreciate it, I’m willing to do the same. I won’t be anybody’s sponsor but I have no problem picking up something nice for my man if I think it would work well. IMO and experience that goes off so much better than just telling folks what to do.

czBrat

May 4th, 2012
10:40 am

lmao @ kimmie!
couldn’t agree more about affecting positive change where it’s welcomed!

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
10:41 am

C – I did just what you said in your 10:34 & dude flipped. Paranoid!

I have a friend who was dating this dude that really didn’t know how to dress appropriately for the occasion. He was also paranoid about “some woman trying to change” him. She would be on guard, praying he would show up dressed right for anything they had to go to, because she dare not suggest anything to him. I knew that would not last long.

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
10:47 am

Kimmie – That’s because he couldn’t appreciate style and finesse…lol

The only time I had a dude to tell me I was trying to change him is when I wouldn’t change. Sooo, I can’t change you but in order for this to work I need to change to the things you like? Um, okay then.

abc

May 4th, 2012
10:54 am

It’s a 2 way street, not just guys that incur the style advice. Every woman I’ve ever had a relationship with has grown their hair for me. It’s what I like. If they had a preference like that, I’m happy to accomodate, as long as I don’t have to wear a clown suit or something.

Exiled!

May 4th, 2012
10:55 am

Thanks Kimmie…don’t know if I will watch Opprah tho..not my fav

My Queen has often suggested wardrobe styles..she buys All of my clothes,nikkers included! I am kinda rigid on style and oftentimes she will bring me jeans in so called vogue mode,but too youthful for my taste. Thank God there is ‘returns’ in America coz I sometimes send her back.

Now I compromise with one caveat.

Absolutely NO compromise on watching soccer! If there is no space fo u to record on the Telly,don’t delete Anything soccer related unless u run it by me.

If u in doubt,refer to penultimate paragraph!

Hey Cee!

I am jealous of Swiss talking bout ur bootey yesterday! :lol:
Damn I missed that blog meat! (yes meat) :lol:

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 4th, 2012
10:57 am

lol Ex!

C ;) !!!

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
10:58 am

If they had a preference like that, I’m happy to accomodate, as long as I don’t have to wear a clown suit or something.

abc – That’s fair, and most wouldn’t have a problem with that. That’s called compromise. When one wants to make you over but you dare not suggest anything to them, that’s a different story…..

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 4th, 2012
11:00 am

and Kimmie that is called controlling and power hungry and you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to on their own. its an uphill battle~

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 4th, 2012
11:01 am

To me compromising is healthy and sustaining if you will. of course not be a doormat and take mess and be passive and hurt inside but to truly work together and come to a common goal to move forward is worthwhile I feel……………

abc

May 4th, 2012
11:02 am

I can’t say anyone has ever tried to really ‘make me over’. But then, I’m not allergic to a nice suit, nor dressy casual; I only wear sneakers if I’m playing sports or doing yardwork; I dress conservatively, but then I think anyone would agree that I’d look absurd if I dressed flamboyantly.

czBrat

May 4th, 2012
11:03 am

The only time I had a dude to tell me I was trying to change him
so glad i’ve not been here ^. like you said earlier, celisea, (i think it was you) if i was drawn to you from jump, why on earth would i be looking to turn you into something else?

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
11:05 am

Hey there MMeello :) What booty? LOL The only meat served was the chicken wings I ordered :) You are crazy…lol You didn’t miss nothing….next time boo

abc – I can get with that

Mmeello – I like how Queen handles. That’s why I said I’m not into sponsoring but if you’re my “boo” and we are jiving and meshing like that I’ll grab something I think you might like AND might look good on you. You can take it from there.

Lady – How goes it :)

kimmie

May 4th, 2012
11:07 am

Lady – I have no problem with gentle suggestions or “baby, I think you’d look good in that red dress”. But when you make “demands” you’ll see a different side of me. I had a few to get testy with me about my hair. That’s when I would go out and get a new, shorter do! Just to let them know “I run this”!

Celisea

May 4th, 2012
11:07 am

czBrat – He wanted to have sex…lol He was putting the moves on me and I was “saving it.” LOL But yes, if you liked me initially what happened that there’s a cause for me to change? Time and life and living will cause us all to evolve and grow. Just like it happens and is happening to me, the same is going on with you (him). No need for overhauls. Let’s grow together and learn how to accept one another flaws and all.