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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Dating: Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Today’s post is courtesy of a fellow dating blogger, Brittany Manson who writes Alone in Atlanta column:

Guys work hard for everything they feel is worth having: the best car, the best job, the nicest house, the cleanest image, etc. However there’s one aspect that it appears they’re not working as hard for anymore: The right woman.

Sure, they feel one (and in some guy’s cases more than one) is worth having, but how much effort is put in on the job of finding a good woman?

Phone calls turn into text messages, date nights out turn into late nights in…To the unsuspecting eye, it seems that guys are getting lazy when it comes to working for women. But are guys getting lazier or are we as women getting easier and so much work isn’t required for us anymore?

It’s no secret that the ratios aren’t necessarily in our favor. Meaning available guys are scarce. So to make our chances better, we make the job easier: we don’t stress “dating” as much, we continue to text even though we prefer verbal conversation, and whatever else is necessary to keep a guy on the job.

But in the long run, who benefits from this? We’ve gotten a guy to do minimal work for us but are we happy with the performance? Guys don’t have to work as hard but will they ever be aware of their full potential?

Values of houses and cars will depreciate. Jobs will let you go without a warning. But relationships with a good man or woman have the ability to stand the test of time and that’s the one thing most of us put the least amount of time and work into.

So now the question is: When it comes to dating and relationships, who’s working hard and who’s hardly working? We work hard at ensuring we have the best of everything to bring to the table, but we hardly work at the pursuit of a suitable mate that’s going to appreciate our hard work in the long run.

Instead we take “temp jobs” where we know a lot of work isn’t required because it’s not going to go anywhere. What will it take to make us all start working hard to find that someone that will make it so we never have to work again?

Guest post by Brittany Mason for Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

290 comments Add your comment

Lily

May 3rd, 2012
7:09 am

I will always hold to the belief that we teach men how to treat us. If all you are worth is a text over talking for example and you accept that, then so be it. Understand me, I know the times have changed and a fair balance of getting with it, per se is needed but hardly working or not, don’t accept laziness.

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Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
8:01 am

Hey Brittany!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Morning MIA!!!!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
8:13 am

I read this on FB last night and thought it was interesting and its semi related to the point I think BM is making………………We go to the doctors yearly, the dentist, ophthalmologist, take the dog for a check up, the car service, do our finances and file takes once a year……keeping everything in tip top condition…………..And the poster beg to ask what do we do for our relationships to keep them afloat and why is there little effort to invest in relationships to keep at tip top condition……………..its an interesting concept I feel……………

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
8:18 am

another thought is simply bc I love me some Teddy P and his song 50-50 love, and reading Lily’s post about being fair and times have changed, it is fair to assess that its now both mates need to bring 100% willingness to the table maybe bc expectations and standards have changed with the times?!?

Mike P

May 3rd, 2012
8:35 am

We will work really hard for something or someone that we believe are worth the effort AND there’s a payoff in the end. If we spend our 20’s trying to get the girl of our dreams without the payoff, sometimes we get tired esp. when we see the lackluster grows in numbers while the quality fades to black.

SlimNu

May 3rd, 2012
8:52 am

Good morning all,

It seems this topic has come up in several conversations from other people lately. Even my sister hit me up the other day asking me about a guy she’s been dating. Then another person I know was talking about how this world of dating seems to be so tainted and full of BS.

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
8:57 am

Good morning.

I definitely agree with Lily in that you teach a man how you want to be treated. You let them know what you will accept and what you won’t. If they’re interested in you, they will listen and try to mesh with your desires. However, they also teach us what they want and what they expect from their mate. It goes both ways. Can’t teach one how to act if you in turn refuse to learn.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
9:00 am

I agree Leggs~

disco

May 3rd, 2012
9:00 am

good morning. I say don’t knock the “temp jobs” especially when so many don’t have jobs at all. lol. hey, folks gotta eat.

@ms_jones74

May 3rd, 2012
9:02 am

You know, dating is hard work. At least from my perspective. I have to be the “Goddess of Fun and Light”, charming and engaging and entertaining so he can see my best sides. I’m not picking fights and I’m careful not to sound (too) crazy. I’m hyper aware and trying to be fair, especially where money is concerned — “Should I offer to split this tab? Should I pay the tip? Maybe I should offer to pay for parking? Should I order something cheap? This restaurant was far from him, should I offer to pay some gas?”

I make an effort to be responsive when he reaches out, listen when he talks, develop an actual interest in what he has to say. Move things around if his schedule is tight and mine isn’t so we can see each other. By the time I stop dating someone, I am TIRED. Like WORN OUT. I take long breaks between relationships because.. man. I need a break.

IMO, (many) men don’t work for a particular woman or a relationship because they don’t have to or they don’t want to because there are plenty of women who won’t make them work that hard. “Blockbuster nights” are so common place that they really don’t see anything wrong with them. Chillin’ at my house is cheap and the economy is bad and let’s face it, men are not known for their imaginations. Expecting them to come up with varied, cost effective dates is a LOT. Have some options in mind to offer as a compromise.

My goal is something that my old Youth Pastor used to say… don’t worry about finding the right one. BE the right one. Am I worth the work? Really? Am I asking for more than I bring to the table? Am I aiming for someone out of my league? Are my standards excessively and impossibly high?

I don’t think the situation is hopeless by any means. I also think that if you meet a man who isn’t quite stepping up, that there are ways to gently guide him toward a more acceptable path… but right now my focus is on being worth the work.

czBrat

May 3rd, 2012
9:26 am

HiYas!

just reading the topic has me exhausted. i don’t feel like working that hard today. :grin:

It’s no secret that the ratios aren’t necessarily in our favor.
if you’re talking strictly quantity perhaps, but quality chicks are short supply: high demand.
why buy into the notion that you’re one of the chicks fighting for scraps? *sucks teeth*

ms. jones, being the right one is great advice but sounds like you’re not quite being yourself.

SlimNu

May 3rd, 2012
9:27 am

czBrat – Reading Ms Jones’ post had me feeling like I needed a nap out of exhaustion lol

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
9:34 am

@Ms Jones – dating is hard. If you’re of the mindset that you won’t settle and truly know what you want, it’s easy to weed out the foolish men. It’s a tightrope where we are precariously on the precipice (sp?) until we actually “connect” with another. Unless one wants to stop dating and working on self, I dare to say, SQS may be right. :lol:

kimmie

May 3rd, 2012
9:35 am

Good morning All!!

Welcome Britney! Great topic!!

Ms Jones, funny you brought up the Blockbuster night! I touched a little on that yesterday. I get the whole economy thing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with an evening at home every now and then. A lot of people have really nice big screen, home theatre setups now too, which can add to the home-viewing experience. But if we are DATING, I want to get out and DATE. “Blockbuster” has made a lot of guys lazy. It’s also a way to get to the drawers quick, lets be real.

Times have changed and dating, while it should be fun, can turn into a lot of hard work. It just should not be that hard. But I say go for what you want. If you prefer a man to call more versus text, respectfully make that known and then stick to your word. Folks will either fall in line or go on to the one thats more accepting of their style.

The “numbers” thing should not even factor in how you carry yourself. There is someone for everyone out there, I truly believe. Desparation or thinking you need to be a certain way or else Joe Blow will go down the street to Easy Suzy will only bring you heartache, not happiness. Be true to yourself and that will attract what you desire.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
9:35 am

Leggs but where would we get our appreciation for experiences and misadventures from?!? digressing lol ;)

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
9:38 am

Morning lovelies,

Ms.Jones, chile what are you talking about? LOL

On topic…I guess

I believe there are two things men spend for the women they like, care for, etc. Time and money. While there may not be a direct connection in that and today’s topic my point is people do easily the things they find a pleasure and a benefit. If it’s too much like work to call me rather than the easy out of texting then something is missing. If I have to tell you talking rather than texting is a preference then something is missing. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand the concept of putting an effort into something worth it’s worth but it shouldn’t carried burdened plantation feeling.

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
9:41 am

carry the burdened plantation

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
9:41 am

I know Lady, I know. Navigating the choppy waters of dating is no joke. Definitely some comical moments worth sharing.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
9:44 am

lol leggs!!!!!!!!!!

waving @ C! ;)

kimmie

May 3rd, 2012
9:44 am

C – Like your post! You are so right, folks really do find the time and the money for things they care about. Quite easily too. What was impossible is now very possible!

I’ve seen the laziest, cheapest, biggest complaining about dating/women/money men fall right in line and straight up bust their behinds when they find the woman they want.

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
9:50 am

Hey Lady…waving back :)

Thanks Kimmie! Yes, it is true. That’s why folks are offended when they’ve given a man or woman umpteen years of ups and downs and he or she turns around and easily finds “the one” and move right on into the next phase, a dirty word for the jilted one…marriage…lol Such is life.

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
9:51 am

I had a nice time last night with Jake Swiss and WillieD :)

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
9:51 am

As we all know, if you want to date this person, obstacles are invisible. It’s that simple. You make a way if want to with anything in life.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
9:56 am

good deal C! hope yall do a round 2 next month! ;)

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
9:56 am

You make a way if want to with anything in life.<<<<<<<<<<<<<Always Leggs! Always!

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 3rd, 2012
10:00 am

Good day…

“We’ve gotten a guy to do minimal work for us but are we happy with the performance? Guys don’t have to work as hard but will they ever be aware of their full potential?”

I think from a guy perspective, the issue with the above statement is that too many times, guys feel like they have to “Try Out” for a woman, jump through hoops, try to impress her, her friends, her mother, her father, anybody but really the key issue is RECIPROCATION. I think most guys want a balance and want to know that if they are giving 100%, that she is giving 100% also not just sitting around like ok, impress me.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:02 am

M. I feel both parties are auditioning for the roles……………..

SlimNu

May 3rd, 2012
10:02 am

Ok so my sis posed this question to me: If a guy tells you hey you would make a great girlfriend/wife but let’s keep hanging out and see where it goes. What do you get out of that?

I told her to me, it would depend on how long the two had been ‘hanging out’ or dating. If it had been only a short period of time, then I could understand that BUT…if it’s been a while then my intuition would yell “That’s BS”…sometimes men use certain terms they know women will respond to like girlfriend, wife, we us etc as sort of bait to keep you on the line to go for what they are proposing. If he is already getting all he wants without the restraints of a relationship, then why would he sign up for one?
Yall’s thoughts?

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:05 am

and also M. the woman ratio is higher and many become complacent to their set population meaning if one doesn’t have what they are buying the keep it moving………………..I hope that makes sense my thoughts are running lol

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
10:05 am

Glad you had a good time, Celisea.

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:07 am

Slim – This is what I read yesterday on another blog and sort of commented that I said the same thing (or similiar) last week while debating with For Real….

The SWINDLE is… women usually let on early on what their intentions are, then men can lie or hide. Most women will tell a guy up front what her intentions are, most men are reserved and say things like, “let’s just see where things go.” So in her mind she was only seeing dude in hopes that he would one day become her boyfriend. In his mind, he might have started out thinking that, but after a while he just wanted to have sex with her. So y’all be on different pages.

Now I would be wrong to say every dude that said “let’s see where things go” is BSing me but more often than not, I’m inclined to believe with this dude’s (the guy that made the statement) perspective.

Just my thoughts

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:08 am

Leggs/Lady – Next time maybe we can all make a date of it :)

Single and Happy

May 3rd, 2012
10:09 am

I guess I’m a little different there, If I’ve got to work hard for it, I don’t want it. I have a nice home a nice automobile, and vacation 4 to 5 times a year even if I have to go by myself, and I don’t consider what I do working hard because I love what I do! And when I’m in a relationship I need to enjoy it also, not work hard to keep it going. I’ve never understood why would you consider it hard work be with someone you’re supposed to love. I know everyday isn’t going to be a bed of roses, but that’s LIFE, everyday isn’t going to be a good day! The problem I’ve seen with most people they haven’t learned to balance life and what it may bring. Because Life Happens!!

abc

May 3rd, 2012
10:10 am

First of all, you won’t find “it”; “it” will find you. The harder you work at it, the less success you will have. Think more along the lines of being in the world rather than of the world.

Anyone who texts as primary communication is a moron. Next. Frankly, the only people I’ll exchange texts with are my kids, and what I’ll text to them is “call Dad”, or “come over to Dad’s house”.

Late nights in are usually more enjoyable than date nights out. Restaurants mostly suck around here; what, another movie? Let’s not even think about going to a dang bar. Let’s go to the High or the History Center or something tomorrow; we have tickets to a show at the Fox next week; how about a weekend at the beach; etc.

I guess I feel like the idea posed by the topic is rather bogus.

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:10 am

I like what czBrat said about why buy into the notion of chicks fighting for scraps. If it comes to that, and some believe that’s where we are, I’ll gracefully bow out. Honey you can have him…lol

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
10:12 am

Sounds like a plan.

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 3rd, 2012
10:13 am

@Lady

I feel you. When I say reciprocation, I am talking in terms of a balanced dating situation. If a guy meets a girl, and they start talking, dating etc, if he notices he is doing the majority of the calling, organizing, planning, the only time he hears from her is if he calls, the only time a date is mentioned is when he brings it up etc., he is going to wake up and see the big picture that either:

1. She is not that interested if he is doing all of the work and she is not reciprocating.
2. She may have a dating rotation and not enough room for him.
3. He just may be a placeholder until something better comes along. Let’s not forget that women get guys trying to talk to them EVERYDAY lol. I’m not saying that nothing happens from this but if you are remotely attractive, guys will always try to holler especially thirsty guys!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:13 am

yep C I am down! ;)

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:13 am

abc and single and happy yep true

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:14 am

Lady and Leggs…it’s a date! We just don’t know when…lol

DreamsMaterialize

May 3rd, 2012
10:17 am

Morning
Dating requires effort, but it isn’t hard. Figure out who you are and then stand on that. The person for you will be drawn to that. Everyone else doesn’t matter. No need to overthink everthing and try to predict other people’s reactions to you. You’re trying to rig the outcome. Instead, just control you and let the outcome be what it will.

Leggs

May 3rd, 2012
10:17 am

“I guess I’m a little different there, If I’ve got to work hard for it, I don’t want it.” – Guess it depends on what one considers “working hard.” You have to work at what you want. Do you expect it to be handed to you on a silver platter. I think that’s a problem, not many are willing to “work” at a relationship esp with all the bottom feeders trying to scramble to the top.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:18 am

M. I see your point and ladies deal with those same issues in the dating world. Inconsistency exist with both genders and the ones who are not ready for a real exclusive relationship will continue to date openly and treat their positional as options and not proprieties. Its on the person to recognize and chose accordingly how they want to be treated.

SlimNu

May 3rd, 2012
10:20 am

Cel – I read it as BS after knowing they’ve been ‘hanging out’ since last May. Now keep in mind they live 3.5hrs away so you have to factor in how often they see each other, which I’m not certain. Trying to start a relationship off as a LTR is a whole nother hill to climb. So to me, dude is probably like, we are 3hrs away, it’s not like they see each other everyday or every weekend, and he gets the freedom to do what he wants. WHen they do see each other, it’s no more than 3 days at a time (weekend) So why would he sign up for a r’ship when he gets it just the way he wants without feeling like a d ou che if he messes with local chicks? It doesn’t take a whole year to decide if you want to be exclusive or go from casually dating to a r’ship.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:20 am

C my June during the weeks are open except tuesday and thursdays so hopefully we can snag a wednesday or friday I know I am so anal with agendas but one monkey never stops a show ;) but I do want to hang

Celisea

May 3rd, 2012
10:20 am

I think it takes work and an conscious effort. But for someone you are totally vibing with, it won’t feel like “work.” When it “feels” like work then….

M. (pronouced M dot)

May 3rd, 2012
10:21 am

I hate to point the obvious but what’s wrong with both of us working for it? Not just one person working while the other just waits around. It should be 100% mutual effort!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:23 am

Interesting hmmmmm

Lady~Love will win the fight~

May 3rd, 2012
10:23 am

M. I am with you on your 10:21. Its my reality.