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Is passion overrated?

Passion. Chemistry. Intense desire. Are these things that could actually be overrated? If you aren’t with someone and feel all these things, does it mean you two aren’t supposed to be together?

If everyone is waiting around for the person that they feel strong passion for, does that mean we are all naive and don’t know what real, true, long-lasting love is about?

When you consider the things that makes most couples last beyond six months, how important do you think passion and chemistry are?

I was watching New Girl and Zoe Daschanel’s character wants to end things with a man because he did not seem to have the same “passion” he felt for his ex-wife….a woman he “hates.” He tells New Girl, “Passion is overrated” and that kind of intensity burns out fast and is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

TV fiction aside, I had to think about which one I would pick if I had to pick one: passion-filled affair or long-lasting aka lukewarm, attraction. If you had to pick one, which would you want?

Were your best love affairs filled with passion or deep like?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

252 comments Add your comment

K Bowers

April 26th, 2012
5:51 am

Hopping from one partner to the next in search of “passion” is middle school behavior. If your reason for being in a relationship is the thrill of attraction and passion, then you will be disappointed no matter who you are with because those feelings come and go over and over. Ask any couple who has been married a long time. You can’t be a slave to your own precious feelings and have a successful long term relationship. It’s about being a grown up and accepting that life is not all about you and not looking to another person to “thrill” you everyday of your life.

Lily

April 26th, 2012
7:10 am

Diva no it’s not. Though, I sort equate that with lust if you have it out of the gate. More than likely it’s going to cool a bit. Give me the romance where it starts out luke warm and over time and through it all we find and build to and on that. Not that you can’t have sustained passion initially, I just like discovering it over time.

Good day!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
7:43 am

Good Morning MIA! ;)

I am very passionate in many areas of my life and of course in my relationship~~~~ brb!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
8:13 am

hmmm chasing your 1st marriage passion is tricky. Post divorce relationships are different bc many aren’t leading with emotions and more practical and logical and this is a bit of a sting if you will bc the emotions are more regulated I feel. There will still be passion I feel in a new relationships but some may be guarded but I wouldn’t be comparing my new with my ex husband measuring passions. Its two different eras like oranges and apples. But for real in my opinion after growing from that passionate marriage that ended I know understand my passion more and how to project it correctly and not just passionate just bc I am really feeling this person. You live and learn and do better~ Just my spin ;)

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
8:22 am

My current and I are very comfortable discussing those great times and not so great times from our marriage and stated if we remarry our new marriage wouldn’t mirror our 1st marriages at all. The economy was 10x better 10 to 15 years ago, jobs were never an issue, gas was under $1, etc. Just stating some socioeconomically factors that contributed to that past passion. Times are different and folks are more aware and dealing with more strife than before. No excuse to be a bore but some factors affect mood and men and women express differently their levels of passion and feelings.

Dave

April 26th, 2012
8:27 am

Nope, passion is not overrated. Those that are without passion or very little passion try to make it that way or trivialize it, but they wind up alone or in a souless situation. Passion motivates. Passion instills courage to pursue. Passion is the spice of life. Without passion, life would be grey, overcast and monotonous. Some people like the Merry Go Round and others prefer the Roller Coaster. The Merry Go Round people just go round and round, no bumps, twists or highs and lows. They start and stop at the same level with no changes in between. I’m a Roller Coaster guy. You get more out of it.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
8:32 am

Passion is the spice of life<<<<<<<<<Love it Dave Great Post!

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
8:55 am

Good morning,

Of course we all would love to stay on that high that you initiatlly have when you first start dating someone, but that isn’t realistic…just like folks who smoke crack don’t constantly stay high after smoking one rock. They have to keep doing what it takes to chase that initial high. With regards to relationships, for me, it boils down to being with someone who genuinely likes and wants to be with me…whether that means we’re all lovey dovey or whether we’re fighting at the time. To me, thats what makes the difference because if you aren’t into the person you’re with and don’t necessarily like them, it’s going to be hard to want to put forth the effort to make it work on the Not so sunny days. I do not want to be with a dud who really could care less if i’m in the same room with him or 300 miles away. I try not to compare my one very long previous relationship with any other one that I am/or gets into. We had both chemistry, passion and genuinely liked each other but as you can see, that didn’t work out either. lol

Me

April 26th, 2012
8:55 am

Enjoyed your post, Dave.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
8:59 am

Slim it does make a difference and more effortlessly cool when both parties genuinely like each other. The passion and chemistry rolls without thought. An affectionate mate is great to have!

Leggs

April 26th, 2012
9:00 am

Passion. Chemistry. Intense desire. Are these things that could actually be overrated? – One word = NOPE!

Come on, passion, desire, intense desire, who wouldn’t want this? These elements help electrify the relationship keeping the flames sizzling red hot. No room for embers to accumulate!!

Good morning.

Row 125, Seat 11B

April 26th, 2012
9:00 am

I agree with Dave…Without passion, what do you have???? Thats not to say that a person spends every waking moment lusting for whatever form their partner, but there is nothing like seeing that person and feeling that feeling that puts you on the edge of loosing control….or thinking abouth them during the day and finding it HARD to focus on anything else….. ( I need to get some air..Is it hot in here? :)

Leggs

April 26th, 2012
9:02 am

@Dave ~ Nice post. I feel sorry for anyone who tries to trivialize the need for passion.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:03 am

Were your best love affairs filled with passion or deep like? I have had just a few fueled by passion from a mate. Not speaking for men but I see them more intrigued by LIKE. Its important to like her. I could be wrong just an observation. My current is a combination of both and I love it. It feels great an emotional roller-coster I am enjoying!

disco

April 26th, 2012
9:10 am

good morning. must say y’all are starting off alright. we’ve got roller coasters and crack pipes. almost makes me wonder if passion seekers and thrill seekers are one and the same. I must say I’m probably not a fan of passion. I like it for what it is but I’m just not the type. if I had to choose between all passion all the time and just plain, mediocre, slow, steady, boring I’d have to go with the latter. naturally, I understand that most folks want to find the balance that works for them but if I had to choose one or the other I’d pass on passion.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
9:13 am

Dave – Your post reminds of a question my uncle posed this past weekend. He asked the ladies, “Would you prefer a man who was predictable or one that was unpredictable?” And it really is a double-edge sword. I think women tend to like a bit of stability but at the same time, I don’t want to know what your every move is going to be and I need a bit of spontaneity. Like I said earlier, no one wants a dud! I want a guy who isn’t afraid to hop up one Saturday morning and say, hey let’s ride to (insert place here) or does nice things out of the blue..it means more when a holiday and plenty of tv commercials aren’t telling you that’s what you need to do.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
9:20 am

Do yall think we are more open to passion and extreme chemistry early on in our dating lives because we haven’t been hurt or awakened by bad experiences yet? You know how that one person that had your nose wide open as a youngin, had you doing things you never thought you’d do, probably made you question yourself….so after you’ve gotten hurt, you’re more guarded to not get that open again??? (just had that convo the other day as well)

Leggs

April 26th, 2012
9:28 am

Do yall think we are more open to passion and extreme chemistry early on in our dating lives because we haven’t been hurt or awakened by bad experiences yet? – Possibly! However, if one hasn’t experienced hurt, bad experiences, they’re young and just starting out in the dating world. I think the older one gets the better the passion. Experience dictates better ways one executes passion.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:32 am

Experience dictates better ways one executes passion.<<<<<<<<<Amen Legss!!!!! ;)

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
9:33 am

Leggs – You may have a point there as you deal with different experiences, maybe we get better at deciding how or when to display our passions for others. I surely wouldn’t want to waste it on someone who wouldn’t appreciate it. I was talking to one of my good guy friends and he was telling he would NOT want to be that wide open or passionate about another chick again. He’s still a bit bitter from his divorce, I think. I told him, he needs to let it go and stop carrying that extra headache around with him. But he has built the walls so high that, not only can no one get close to him, but he ass can’t get out either. That wall goes both ways.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:34 am

That is why I am not understanding why the guy in Diva’s writ up is reminding his current of his past thrills with his ex wife. Why are they divorce then?!? Bc mess happens and that is called experience and you deal differently moving forward. Its interesting!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:36 am

and currently he is not so passionate for whatever reason. Maybe he is just not into her or not ready for what she wants. It could be anything and that statement could be a loophole to get out without be direct and forthcoming. Its easy to place blame.

Leggs

April 26th, 2012
9:43 am

Most definitely, Slim, the wall goes both ways. Not sure which one is worse, not letting one in or not letting yourself out??? I think the latter may be worse because then it overlaps into other areas of one’s life.

…we get better at deciding how or when to display our passions for others. – And that right there is key to growth and maturity.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
9:43 am

Lady – Yeah, I would not want a dude i’m dating telling me about the passion shared between him and his ex. That would make me want to be like, Well go be with her then! :roll: Sometimes our memories tricks us into believing things were much better than they really were…or at least fades away the bad times and amplifies the good times as far as exes go

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:44 am

Exactly Slim the grass theory applies there. Sometimes parting ways is best but 2nd go round for me I will fight harder for my marriage if I tie the knot again. You live and learn!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:45 am

Its many living with regrets and it is projected unconsciously sometimes~ or denial if you will.

disco

April 26th, 2012
9:52 am

when I read diva’s comment re dude’s passion for his ex-wife, a woman he hates I was thinking more like he “hated her with a passion”. lol. we used to say that back in high school. I hate such and such with a passion.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:55 am

I read it like he supposedly hates her currently but is reminded of the passion he had for her……..perception is funny sometimes disco……lol

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
9:57 am

wants to end things with a man because he did not seem to have the same “passion” he felt for his ex-wife <<<<<<Really dude lol okay yeah that would piss me off too

disco

April 26th, 2012
9:59 am

lady – our perceptions likely come full circle. he missed the original passion he had with her and hated her (passionately) because she took that passion away from him.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:00 am

exactly Disco!!!!! your 9:59! ;)

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:01 am

Morning all,

Passion eh? I kinda like Slim’s crackhead analysis. If you’re a thrill (i.e. passion) seeker then yeah PASSION IS THE WAY TO GO!! LOL In all seriousness, nothing wrong with passion, but if it fizzles what then? I think a balanced person can enjoy passion but sort of knows realistically passion won’t have you swinging 50 stories high everyday.
I would say we probably have different views of how we interpret. Not one person can “stay up there” I picture passion more so as the bond or the glue or that thing that keeps you coming back. Overall passion is good but like I say it probably depend on how each of us view. Now if you’re a relationship junkie and you need someone to keep giving you a fix, then you’re gonna be changing partners like you’re changing drawers.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:04 am

yep that is why I said roller coaster C I have dealt with highs and lows here currently and they balance and the highs outweighs the lows currently so its meshing you are right. To walk around HAPPY 24/7 is cause for concern its called mania and its a problem so to proclaim your relationship is 24/7 is far fetched too. Life isn’t that straight and narrow. Its all in how you deal with the curve balls~

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 26th, 2012
10:05 am

Yeah, what Cel said lol

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:06 am

meant is HAPPY and GREAT 24/7 but I know you all get what I am saying! lol That is the candy land theory! lol I love theories! lol

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:07 am

Lady – To walk around HAPPY 24/7 is cause for concern its called mania

LOLOL…so true. Cause for the folks to come for you. Ain’t nobody up there all the time and no one should expect a relationship to do that for them…all the time. Make your own self high naturally, off life. Ride your own roller coaster :)

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:08 am

Ride your own roller coaster ;) love it sis!!!!!!

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:10 am

And chile, I ain’t had nobody to “keep me on the edge of losing control” I guess I just dang missed that altogether…lol I’ve had someone that just did it for me but I didn’t feel like I was gonna lose control on sight…lol

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:11 am

Lady – :) Alright got my kid with me today. Need to go check on her… She’s reading The Girl With the Tatoo Dragon :)

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:11 am

at all C!!!!! you are the master of your fate not them! & you can’t control or change them either. it will never happen!!!!!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:14 am

I heard its take your child to work day today!!!! Enjoy! My child is testing this week her last day today! she has done well all week!

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:16 am

Lady…is it? Well heck I didn’t know. She wasn’t together or “her self” this morning so I just grab her, the laptop and my purse and headed in…lol

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:17 am

In 43 minutes I have a team call and was suppose to read 3 chapters of this book we’re reading….I HAVE NOT DONE IT. So for the next 43 minutes I’m skimming

be back later

Leggs

April 26th, 2012
10:21 am

Update on BF – He’s doing well and his mother is doing well too!

@Celisea ~ don’t let her see the movie. The crazy sex scenes are just that, crazy. I for one do not understand how it was nominated for 5 awards. So glad I saw the bootleg version and didn’t pay to see it.

kimmie

April 26th, 2012
10:23 am

Morning Gang!

I don’t think I’ll ever have that crazy, lost-control feeling I had with my 1st love – nor do I want to. It was a high that felt awful when it came crashing down. Yes, past hurt and experience made me a little more guarded with my emotions, but not to the point where I was bitter and not open to real love, thank God! There is no better feeling in the world! And yes, I’ve been in a situation where there was intense passion and chemistry – but I could not STAND the man! Can’t to this DAY!! Don’t wish him bad, just don’t like the person he is!!

Having said that, a life with NO passion – NO WAY! I’m with Leggs on this, who wants that? People try to minimize it, and even try to live without it because of past hurts. The lack of it eventually sneaks up on you though. One of the Strawberry Letters last week touched on it. A guy wrote in admitting he “settled” for his wife because she was nice and he thought she’d make a good wife and mother. He is miserable now, because there is no passion.

There is nothing better in the world to have that mature love, affection and respect for a person. Someone you genuinely LIKE(extremely important). But there needs to be a least a flicker of some passion. It really sets this person apart from being just a good friend, in my opinion.

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:23 am

I have a student weeping @ my desk be back too. if only they would listen the 1st go round but again that isn’t life but yeah graduation is close but there is hope an dI shall instill! ;) bbl

abc

April 26th, 2012
10:24 am

Regarding the economy being 10+x better, not so much. As far as gas costing $1, that hasn’t happened since the 80’s.

They call it chemistry because it IS chemical — a chemical reaction that releases dopamine and seratonin in your brain. It’s a physical and tangible thing. You can hang with a person with whom the chemistry is lacking, or you can hold out for the chemical reaction. The chemical effects wear off in 3-7 years. You’ve heard of the 7 year itch, right? There you are.

For the long term, go with someone that you just plain like. They make better companions.

Celisea

April 26th, 2012
10:28 am

abc – Like your last line

Leggs – Ut…too late she’s seen the movie. Right now though she’s NOT reading the book…lol She’s watching Blood Diamond

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:29 am

yep abc! it has to be more substance! good post!

Lady~Love will win the fight~

April 26th, 2012
10:30 am

hmmm abc I remember gas in the 90’s being .79 to .99 cent but I get your point though but still gas was cheaper